Almost Lost It All

August 23, 2014

I lean back in the lawn chair while I take a long sip of my beer. I'm quiet. There's nothing I can think of to say anymore. Everything is tossed up in the air with me. Jen has been home for two weeks now and I'm trying hard to put all of that in the back of my mind. The last time I really saw her was the day I pushed her away. Any time that we've all been together she's made sure that she's always been in a different room than me. Honestly, it kills me. When I try to sleep at night I can't because of so many thoughts about what we could be. I hate that she's right in front of me but I can't have her. It's painful to lie next to Michelle and tell her I love her when I now know it's a huge lie. It hurts to think about Jen trying to pull herself together without me. I still want to hold her. I still want to kiss her and tell her she's beautiful. I wonder if she feels the same way about me. I wonder if she thinks about me. I want so badly to get into her mind to see if I'm just a big fool for loving her so much. I want her to want me back. She's driving me crazy. I want to drive her crazy.

The frustration I feel all the time is almost overbearing. Sometimes when I'm alone I yell because I'm so angry. She should be mine. I should be loving her. And I can't forget any of it. No matter how hard I try there's no way to get her or the fact that she's home again out of my head. It's ruling my brain. It's controlling everything in my life. Even if I'm playing in the studio, or talking wedding plans with Michelle, it's eating me up inside. I'm lying to everyone. I'm lying to myself, my fiance, my best friends. What gets me the most is that I'm lying to Jimmy. I sit on the beach at night and talk to him. I tell him that I've moved on from loving his sister. I apologize for not taking care of her and tell him that I can't help her. I know that he hates me for it.

I watch her when she gives into being near me. She's tense all the time. I know she's trying hard to be happy again. I can tell she's trying to move on from her past. I can see that she's in pain. Whenever she smiles there's effort to look real in her eyes. When she laughs the sound is artificial to my ears. And when she moves she's always shaking. When she speaks there's no happiness in her voice. She's suffering on her own, hiding it from everyone. But I can see it. There's no one to hold her while she stays up at night. There's no one she can go to for love or light. She's alone and I can't stand it.

We're all gathered at Zacky's house for a bonfire later on. Matt is grilling burgers while he talks to Johnny. Val is chatting with Michelle about our wedding. I can't listen in because the dread is too overwhelming. Gena, Lacey, and Leana are in the kitchen making salads or something. Jen is with Zacky. I almost can't look at them together. They're best friends but to someone who doesn't know them they could look like a couple. Zack is the only one who can really make her crack a real smile. Even if it's a little smile, it's real. My eyes travel to them standing by the pool. His arm is around her waist and her arm is around his neck. They're talking quietly but he's smiling. Jealousy spikes inside of my chest. My fingers twitch with annoyance.

I know there's no way anything would ever happen between them because Zacky is incredibly in love with Gena. Gena, who doesn't mind her husband's close relationship to his best girl friend. She's just as close to Jen. I don't want to hate my friend and fellow guitarist. I know I never could. But he's making it hard to like him right now.

Suddenly Leana comes out into the yard waving tongs around in her hand and tearing me from my miserable thoughts.

"Jen! There's someone here for you!" She yells, her voice shrill.

Jen looks up with instantly confused eyes. She slips away from Zack's grip and I can feel relief flood my chest. Everyone watches her make her way to the house. No one talks. I think they're still getting used to having her back. As she passes she glances at me. I look up at her with burning eyes. Burning eyes full of a mess of emotions. My heartbeat quickens, my fingers go weak. Slowly, she looks away from me so any feeling of hope leaves my body with her gaze. Leana watches her with a priceless expression only she could pull off.

"Who do you think it is?!" She shouts.

Jen's lips turn up slightly in a grimace. She touches Leana's arm softly.

"I don't know, Lee. I don't know anyone who would want to find me." She murmurs.

Then she disappears into the house. Immediately we all look at each other. We're all thinking the same thing: we've all wanted to find her more than once in our lives; could she have run from something like us to come home again? Who could be here for her? Muttering breaks out among the whole crowd, not including myself. Curiousity beats at my organs but I can't speak. My eyes are trained on the doorway of the sliding glass door which leads into the house.

Minutes later she reappears. I notice instantly how pale she is. Her eyes are a bright blue-grey colour and forcefully calm. The skin around her neck is pink as if she was grabbed or scratched. When she looks like she's going to speak her lips tremble nervously. I sit up straight, my eyes narrowing dangerously.

"Guys, this is..." she pauses, swallows, and goes on, "this is Ethan."

Everyone turns as a tall blonde man steps beside her. He extends his hand and rests it on Jen's lower back. As I think I'm the only one who notices her flinch Matt puts down the spatula he's holding.

"Who is he?" His voice is just a bit harsh but the threatful nature is evident.

Ethan's blazing green eyes flash toward him, sizing him up. He pulls Jen into his arm and holds her with a too-strong grasp. Any jealousy I felt for her and Zack advances to anger toward this guy. I set my drink down to stand up. My muscles tense as I look at the girl I love because she looks terrified.

"I'm her boyfriend." He says with a slithering tone.

Val moves over toward Matt, placing a hand on his bare arm. His muscles flex threateningly. His eyes are glowing a dutiful, dark hazel toward the sudden visitor.

"Oh, really?" Val says toughly.

The man laughs slightly, about to answer, but Jen pushes him away from her.

"That's--" she starts.

Ethan reaches out so fast that I can barely see his hand grip her wrist. He pulls her to him again, squeezing her arm so hard that the skin on his knuckles begins to turn white. At her whimper we all step forward as if we're ready to fight. Her boyfriend pulls her back toward the house. Matt, Zacky, Johnny and I go to follow. At the doorway Jen turns on Zack.

"No. No. Stay here. It's okay, I promise." She says fleetingly before leaving all of us standing stunned.