Almost Lost It All

Just pick up the phone and dial the number.
I thought furiously.

I picked up the black reciever and stared at it. To distract myself I wondered how many germs were on the mouth piece.

Well, if it's germy, maybe you should just put it down.

I looked down at the two quarters in between my thumb and pointer finger. Anxiety washed over my senses as I forced myself to shove one coin into the money slot, and then the other. A part of me didn't want him to pick up the phone. I thought it would have been so much easier that way. I could tell myself that I tried. I could move on with my life like I have been.

You moving on? Are you capable? Were you ever?
Shut the hell up.
I'm just saying.
Well shut up.

With shaking fingers I pushed one number after the other until there were no more I could press. The ringing made my head hurt and my eyes blur a bit. I glanced over my shoulder at my boyfriend who was glaring at me outside of the payphone booth. He looked scary with his arms crossed over his big chest, leaning against his Camaro. I quickly turned away and gripped the side of the box the phone system was connected to. Nausea was turning my insides sour; I tried hard to keep my head from hurting. I kept my heart beating calmly and I fell into the spell of the ringing. When I got hopeful at the chances of him not answering, his voice intruded my concentration. It scared me. As soon as he said 'hello,' I panicked. I bit down on my lip so hard that I expected blood. A few moments went by before I got enough courage to say something. I shook my head to myself to loosen my thoughts and said loudly,

"Wait!" I was afraid that he hung up already, "Are you still here?"

He didn't answer. I felt disappointed and angry. I felt stupid and ugly. I didn't know anything or anyone new in his life, it could have been anyone on the other line, and not him. I had to try, though. I had to try to hear him one more time. My voice was really shaky.

"Hello?" I said with a bit more unease. That was it. My chance was gone, I would never have the courage to call him ever again, I would never hear his voice--

"Hello? Who is this?" He answered in a slightly confused, but knowing tone.

He forgot about you. See? He doesn't want to hear from you. Stupid.
My head filled with such bad thoughts that I have no idea how I kept talking.

I was crying the whole time I talked to him. I really tried not to but I couldn't help it. It was so good to hear his voice again. He sounded annoyed with me at first and I wanted so badly to hang up. But something kept me there, and for some reason he softened as we kept talking.
I wanted to sob to him. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him, how much I missed our friends and my home. I wanted to tell him how much I missed my brother, Jimmy. I couldn't bring myself to bring any of it up. All I told him was that I missed him, and I dreamt of him. I told him how I just wanted to hear him talking. He's missed me too is what he said. He cared that I was crying. He cared if my boyfriend was going to hurt me. He wanted to know where I was.

I found out that he has a fiance. She was sleeping. I felt really bad that I dragged him away from her. They were probably sleeping nicely together and I ruined it. But he had moved on. She's probably really beautiful. Their wedding is probably soon. I can barely think about it. I want to be happy for him, but I can't be. I'll lie to myself, like always. I'm happy. I should have left in the first place. Things are better now. I don't lie to anyone else. And I only lied to Brian once that whole time.

Before I hung up he was talking to me. He wanted so badly to know where I am. He wanted me to come home. I said goodbye but he didn't want me to say it. I didn't want to say it, either. I hung up on him in mid-sentence.

--

I hate him. I hate him so much.

My boyfriend is the reason I had to say goodbye to Brian. He didn't want me on the phone anymore so he started yelling at the glass booth.

I hang up as quickly as I can. When I got out of the booth Ethan glares at me. He is a very scary man when he can be. But I can be tough, too. ...Well, sometimes. I look at him with a firey gaze.

"Let's go." He snarls at me.

Without a word to fuel the fire I walk to the passenger side of his Camaro and slip into the front seat. When he gets in he looks at me with his forest green eyes. His blonde hair shines golden in the sunset.

"You've been crying, baby." He states. "Why?" His eyes aren't warm, or soft. They are harsh.

I lick my lips. I let out a shaky breath. Everything in that phone call is racing through my head. Not at all do I want to forget any of it. My blue eyes meet his mean ones.

"I just miss my friends." I say, with a fake, small smile.

Ethan starts the car with a tight grip on the key. I watch his hands wearily when he pulls away from the side of the road and away from the closed down gas station. He keeps his eyes on the road as he pulls a cigarette from the carton in his lap. With one hand on the steering wheel he lights the end of the stick. I try hard not to cringe. The poison smoke fills my lungs as he exhales in my face.

"An old boyfriend?" He asks.

Haha. How did he know?

Right away I shake my head, lying to him. I can't bring myself to say "no" aloud because I'd feel like I'm betraying Brian. Ethan's eyes turn to slits as he inhales again. The smoke flows out of both of his nostrils in a threatening way. Without a thought or any type of hesitation my boyfriend lowers the hot, gleaming end of the cigarette into my bare thigh. It's all normal for him.

Tears instantly well up in my eyes and I want to jump out of my skin. I try so hard not to make any noise, but I can't help the weak whimper that escapes from the back of my throat. I shove my fist in my mouth as he crushes the rest of the unfinished cigarette into my bare skin and then throws it out the window. Big wet drops are making tracks down my cheeks. He looks over at me for a second.

"If you hadn't lied, I wouldn't have done that." He says easily. His voice is low and calm, but still terrifying.

I try so hard not to talk. I try so hard not to say anything. But it slips out. The burn is painful. I get angry, and I can't contain it.

"Motherfucker! Fuck you!" I shout.

Before I have any type of guard up Ethan slams on the brakes. I go flying forward into the dash, hitting my chest hard against the plastic. A huge cracking sound confirms that my head has left a spider web in the windsheild. I'm completely dazed when I feel a harsh tug on my hair. Without a way to escape my head is ripped toward the driver's side. My boyfriend's fist collides with the left side of my face. He hits me so hard that I fly into the passenger side door. I can't hear anything or think anything for a few moments. When I come to I can't see well out of my right eye and my lip is split and bleeding. The salt on my fingers stings the cut as I press them against my lip. My face already begins to swell. My head is throbbing so painfully that I feel like I'm going to pass out. Ethan is screaming at me, but I can barely make out any words. I look up at him through my tears and see two of him.

"Where are you? Why don't you come home?"
"I don't want to say goodbye."

A rush of adrenaline courses through my veins. Anger takes hold of my body. I raise my fist and come down on Ethan's face with a crashing blow. The sickening breaking sound tells me that I've broken his nose. He hollars. As quickly as I can I open the car door. I fall out onto the hard pavement. Intense pain shoots from my chest throughout my whole body. It's relatively hard to breathe. I can hear Ethan scrambling to catch my legs. I push myself up and begin to run the opposite way of the way we were driving. I can't see that well, my head is throbbing, my lip is bleeding, my chest is hurting. But I run away.

Ethan gets out of the car with a hand over his nose.

"I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR MY FUCKING WINDSHEILD! YOU WORTHLESS BITCH!" He screams.

I don't look back. I'm too afraid. I know if I stop now I won't be able to keep going. I can hear him burn rubber off the Camaro's tires as he drives off. He doesn't follow me.

"Why don't you come home?"

While I'm running on an abandoned Wisconsin road, tears run down my face. I will come home. I am going home. I only lied to Brian once that whole time on the phone. I said my boyfriend wouldn't hurt me.