Almost Lost It All

Two weeks later....

The water is sparkling a beautiful blue. The sun is hanging high in the sky so the blazing light is resting heavily on my bare shoulders. I can hear laughing in the background but I can't wrap my mind around any of it right now. Guilt is set hard in my chest; not because of what I did but because I can't regret it. And I still won't stop loving Jen. I can't. I've got her once again and I just can't let her go. All of my love for Michelle is gone. She's not the one I want to sleep in the same bed with or cook dinner with or walk on the beach with. I can't love her anymore. And that's what eats the inside of me day and night. I'm a horrible person. How does one fuck something up so royally like I have already? And she doesn't even know.

That's not why I'm so horrible, though. I'm horrible because I want more. I want more of Jen. When I'm not with her my skin burns for her touch again. My eyes water for her smile and my ears itch for her laugh. I want to know that she's not hurting. I know that she's happy with me. I'm the one that made her smile sincerely after so much pain. When she's alone I don't know how she is. I just want to be with her all of the time so we can love each other like we're meant to. But I guess that's something that may never happen soon. Because I'm still getting married and she's still alone a great deal of time.

A huge rocking hits my legs and I grunt, falling back slightly. I'm knocked right out of my head. Well, I'm incredibly smart for standing at the bow of a boat wanting peace. I sigh to myself as I turn around. I step down onto the deck but don't take two steps before I knock into someone.

"Oh..sorry.." She mutters under her breath.

I know it's Jen and I know that something's wrong with her. She tries to get past me but I don't let her.

"What's wrong?" I say quietly so no one else hears.

We're in the shade of the sail but we're not completely hidden. Fear is eating the inside of me. She feels too distant.

"Nothing." She says almost stubbornly.

I can see her biting her lip. Gently, I push her sunglasses to the top of her head so I can see her eyes. She's crying. I instantly want to pull her into my arms but out of the corner of my eye I can see Michelle watching.

"Why're you crying?" I ask.

Jen looks up at me and sniffs. She smiles slightly but her lip trembles and gives her away. She swallows.

"Uhm..." she lets out a breath, "wedding talk, that's all."

She pushes past me and disappears below the deck. I curse myself as I follow her. I catch her wrist before she can escape into the back room.

"Hold on," I say frantically, "I'm sorry."

Jen looks up at me with heartbreaking eyes.

"No, Brian. I'm sorry. What happened...what we did..." she shakes her head, "we shouldn't have. You have a life now and I shouldn't have come back to mess with it. You're getting married still, remember? Michelle loves you a lot and she's so happy for you guys. You should be, too. I mean..you don't love me. You can't love me. You were ...you were confused. And I didn't come back to sleep with someone's fiance. I didn't come back to disappoint Jimmy like this. I came back because of my friends and I thought that I could have you. Well, I can't, so I'm forgetting everything. I'm not strong enough for this."

"What happened? Where did this come from? I told you that I'd tell Michelle. I love you, I told you that, I showed you that. Why are you doing this now?"

"Because it's not fair. It's not fair to her or you or our friends. I don't want to be in love with someone who hurts me so much. Because I've let a lot of people in over the past four years and I've only gotten crushed."

"I thought I made you happy."

"You do. But only when I can have you, Brian. Now leave me alone."

She slips from my grip and closes the door quietly in my face. I stand where I am, completely stunned into silence. Why did this happen? I thought I had her back. I thought she was mine again. Pain rocks me from the inside out. The emptiness only takes seconds to squeeze into my heart. I exhale a deep, shaky breath.

Goddamnit, no.

I slap my hand against the door.

"Listen to me, Jen. I love you. I could never love anyone more than I love you. You can't do this to us. You need me and I need you, so fuck everything else, okay? All I want is you. I'm working on the rest as best as I can. It's so hard to be the fucking asshole but I don't care because it's so much harder without you. I know what I have to do and I'm going to do it. Don't give up. Not again. You were happy, where did that go? Why are you letting that leave? I don't want this and I know that you don't either. I damn sure know that Jimmy doesn't. You left me heart broken and I've been waiting for four years to have you back. I'm not giving that up. If you love me, you'll help me help you. Please, let me help."

Crying. All I can hear is crying on the other side of the locked door. It kills me.

"Open the door, let me in, and let me help you. I'm sorry I let you leave. I'm sorry that I couldn't help before but I'm ready to do anything now. I won't leave. Let me show you that."

A noise behind me makes me jump. I feel a warm hand on my back so I turn. Michelle looks at me with knowing eyes.

"Why don't you come back upstairs, baby? We're about to open up some beers." She says.

I look at her for a few long moments. I turn toward the door silently, my mouth moving as if I'm speaking. Nothing comes out. I lick my lips and clench my teeth hard. I'm torn between my present and my past. I can feel the agony ripping me apart to the point of hopelessness. I shake my head and push myself up. I let Michelle lead me out onto the deck again. When I reach our friends I don't try to keep a happy face. I don't try to talk or smile. Because I know what I've just lost. I know what I've just done. Jen is right downstairs but I've done it.

I've left her when I said that I wouldn't. And I left with the 'other girl.' The present.