Almost Lost It All

Just keep your eyes open.

Jen called me this past morning and I couldn't sleep after that. Today we're being filmed in the studio. It's the first time we're going to be really mainstream again since "Nightmare" came out four years ago. We're filming a DVD about making our new album in the studio like we did for our self-titled album. It's Sevenfold's fourth day of being in front of a camera again. I'm sitting on the couch at the familiar recording studio where we recorded "Avenged Sevenfold." I'm not in my element at all today. I keep zoning out with her voice inside of my head. Fatigue is wrestling the fight to move or do anything right now. I just want to close my eyes and dream. I don't want to sleep. Just to dream about her; her hair, her smile, her voice. I want to close my eyes and let myself get lost in it like I used to before I got with Michelle.

Michelle.

My eyes snap open. I guess I must have actually drifted off. Guilt rushes through my body when I think about Michelle. She's wonderful, beautiful, fun, totally chill. And I'm thinking about another girl. A part of me wants to say that I can't help it because Jen was my first love. It's normal to want to remember that, right?

You're not remembering, you're wishing you were there. That she was here.

The corners of my lips turn down into a small frown. My brow furrows while I try to convince myself I'm reading way too much into everything. Jen is gone out of my life; out of all of our lives. She left after Jimmy died, so I should let her leave my mind.

You didn't let Jimmy leave your mind, did you?

Jimmy is different. He didn't leave on purpose. It was a tragic accident. But she just left. I hold nothing against her because we all know how hard it was when our best friend, and her brother, passed away in the December of 2009. She couldn't take it, so she ran. Before she ran everyone tried to stop her more than once; everyone knew she was ready to leave. I only tried to stop her one time. It ended up with me saying that I didn't care if she went or not. She left moments after. Maybe if I hadn't said that then I'd be marrying her instead. Maybe if I had tried harder then she would have tried harder. Maybe if I told her I loved her just one more time then she wouldn't have hurt everyone.

...

"Jen, listen to me! You don't have to go. You can stay here, with me, with your friends!" I'm shouting. I hate shouting.

"No, I can't. You don't understand." She states clearly.

Her eyes are a dark aqua colour from crying so much. Her cheeks are flushed and her nose is pink. Her face looks so fragile from the tears; she looks utterly beautiful. Like an angel. How could I let her leave me now?

"Make me understand, then. I'm listening, I'll listen right now. Let me help you."

She stops and looks at me straight in the eyes. Something in her softens. I can feel her guard drop; emotionally, and physically. She blinks tears away as she looks at me still. She sighs shakily.

"It hurts, Brian. It hurts so, so much. You have no idea how much I loved him. He was the only person I could truly trust. He was what I believed in and what made me believe. With him I was a good person, and with him I was worth something. He made me so happy. He was the best person I have ever known. He was the best artist, musician, songwriter, drummer, guitar-player, and inspiration I've ever seen. He was my family before we met all of you, and I was his. We were born to be together: brother and sister forever. But he was ripped away from me. He was taken away and what do I have to live for now? Without my beliefs, without my confidence and my happiness, what am I? Because I can't believe in anything other than my brother. What--who am I suppose to trust now? When my only trust has been betrayed? When I've been robbed of the only person who has ever understood me, where do I turn?"

I'm stunned. Tears sting my own eyes and I realize how overwhelming the pain is. I feel like something is taking my insides and wringing them out to the point of disfunction. I miss him. He was my best friend. He was one of the only people that understood me, too, and he was the first trust worthy people I've ever met. He was the best person I've ever known, just like Jen. But I could never have thought he meant so much to her. I know she's always loved her brother, but that much? No one could ever fathom, or challenge, that amount. They really did live for each other, I realized right then. They had a connection no one else could see. Now I'm being exposed to it and it hurts very much.

"You have to believe that he's watching over us. He's there and he's wishing that you would be happy. He doesn't want to see you cry, and he doesn't want to see you run away. Believe in us. Believe in your friends because we are your family. Let us show you that you're worth the world and more. Let me show you that. He was taken from all of us, and we all have to live with it. Live with it and move on. Together. No one has to do this alone, not even you. Let me be your confidence and show you that you can be happy again. Trust me. Believe in trust, believe in love, and love me like I love you. Let me understand you! Because it will hurt forever, I know that, but it doesn't have to hurt so much if you just let someone in. If he's your inspiration then let him inspire you to get on with your life and live it. We need you here with us. Your family, your friends-- I need you here."

I get closer to her and reach out. I gently place a hand on her waist to pull her toward me but she won't budge. She's crying more now, and so am I. I don't care how stupid I look. It hurts too badly to be tough. She rests her hands on my chest, keeping us at almost arms-length apart.

"I can't get over this." She whispers through her tears. "He's too important. I have to run. I can't be around people and a place that reminds me so much of him. It'll be the death of me. I love you. I love you so much," she shakes her head, "you could never understand, and would never believe how much. I love all of my friends, but I'm not strong enough for any of you. I'll only bring you all down. I'm not ready to believe. I'm not ready to trust. I'm ready to run away from my problems. I don't know if I'll be back. You can move on, Brian, but I can't. Not here. Not soon. Without Jimmy," she lets out a silent sob and a whimper, "I'm not the person you want me to be. I have no one who understands."

"Baby, please, help me help you. I love you."

Without a word she gently pushes me back and away from her. It kills me. I'm losing her now. It's really happening.

"I really can't." She murmurs.

I can't help but get angry at her. Who said it was okay to just get up and leave everyone? It's not fair. She's not supposed to be allowed to do this. She's leaving everyone who cares, she's being selfish. I swallow. Rage rises in the pit of my stomach and up to my chest.

"Fine! Fucking leave! What the fuck, right?! You're selfish, and you don't know what you're doing! You don't care, then I don't care! Okay?! I don't care if you leave!" I shout at her.

That seems to do it. Jen picks up her duffel bag and looks at me. She sniffs as her face crumples with another sob. My eyebrows arch as I try to keep a composed angry expression. For the first time in my life I don't want to see her. Although I don't want to see her, I want her to stay. And her next words are crippling.

"I still love you. I always will. And if I come back for anything, it'll be you."

I shake my head almost violently at her. I want to scream but I can't think of anything to say. She silently moves to the front door and closes it quietly when she leaves.

...

Syn...Synyster... Man, wake up...

"Hey Gates, wake up." A familiar voice slips into my head and the crippling vision leaves my memory.

When I open my eyes Zacky leans forward slightly to study my face. His voice lowers as he talks.

"You okay, man? You look like shit." He takes the place on the sofa next to me.

I sit up and stretch, laughing a little. Even I can hear how fake the sound is.

"Thanks, Zack." I say with as much ease I can muster up. I shake my head, "I'm okay."

He doesn't seem very convinced. He leans forward, rests his elbows on his knees, and turns his face toward me. His jade green eyes hold understanding of some sort.

"Bad dream?"

I suddenly want to tell him to shut up and go away. I don't want to remember or think about any of it. But, against my will, the argument beings to creep into my head again. I rub my eyes hard with the heels of my hands and sigh.

"Yeah, it's fine, it's nothing." I mutter.

"Is it Jen?" Zacky asks in an even lower tone.

My head snaps up when he says her name.

How would he know that?

I look at him in disbelief. I've already blown my cover. He must know it's her now. I let out a shaky sigh and sit back into the cushions.

"How'd you know?"

Zacky smiles a little, the bags under his eyes thinning as he does. The rings in his mouth press against his lips.

"You look like you did when she left. You didn't sleep, and you had bad dreams. What, did you forget?" He asks in a warm, calm voice. The gentle Zacky V sympathetic voice.

He's hiding something. Of course I didn't forget. How could I ever? But no one would know right off the bat. My dark eyes raise to meet his.

"What else, Zacky?"

The smile disappears as he frowns slightly. His fingers begin to twist together nervously. His watch gleams in the flourescent light.

"She called me right before I came here." He says.