Almost Lost It All

When the hospital room is cleared there's only Brian and I left. Inside of my chest I feel things becoming lighter. Slowly, very slowly, the pain is dulling. I kiss his fingers and my lips turn up with effort. I find it hard to smile but it's not impossible like it was before.

"I went into the psych ward and talked to some people there." I say softly, tracing the 'O' tattoo on his middle knuckle.

When I glance up at him there's utter surprise in his face and I can tell he doesn't know what to say. I can tell that he doesn't know how to approach the subject so I suck in my breath to gain the confidence I lost so long ago.

"I'm going to start seeing a therapist and get evaluated." I murmur, dropping my eyes again to our tangled fingers.

Brian presses his free hand against my wrist.

"That's great." He says, letting his own smile come out.

I nod slightly and try to feel better about the situation. It's embarassing. Humiliation sweeps through me because I'm finally admitting that I need so much help. I need to go to a stranger to fix my problems. And even though I am finally asking for help I'm not sure if I'm willing to confess everything. I don't know if I can. I'm so scared that I'll fail or that it will all become too much for me. I only try to hope that telling everything won't make it worse. Speaking the words aloud is terrifying. Will it tear me apart when I hear it all? Will it plunge me into a deeper darkness that I can't get out of? It's so scary to adress. I try to make myself put complete faith in my family and friends to catch me if I fall but my trust is dwindled to the point of almost nothing.

So I blink to clear my head. The second train of thought chugs into my mind with full force so my hands begin to shake with nerves. I lick my lips. My eyes meet Brian's with a new fear: pure rejection.

Calm down. It's okay.

"And...I talked to Michelle," I hint quietly.

His eyes instantly spike with confusion. His gaze is curious and slightly frightened. I let out a silent, slow breath.

"She basically told me I can have you," to my surprise, I laugh a little, "She called off the wedding. When she talked to me she helped me realize how much I actually have. She really made me see that I have the family I need to get through everything. I know now I just need to try harder, even though I'm scared to death that I'm going to fail. I just need to let people in."

I inhale deeply again, forcing renewed breath down my throat and to my lungs. I haven't been able to breathe correctly for weeks; it's hard to ease my muscles. I let the air clear my head and the sharp smell of bleach sting my senses. Before Brian can speak I continue.

"And...and when you were lying on the stage I had a great revelation," I start, unable to keep myself from stammering at the painful memory, "I realized that I love you. I love you more than anyone could and I know you love me too. I can't live without you. Last night I was so set on dying if you weren't coming back because I will follow you anywhere. Deep down in the place I can't reach yet my real trust, happiness, and peace lies with you. We're meant to fit together, forever. I'm so sorry that I left you for so long. I'm the most fucked up person around because I lost Jimmy. I lost my brother so I willed my family away and lost myself in the end. But, in that place I can't reach, I know my brother is with me still. And he's telling me--screaming at me not to lose you, too. Not again." I finish while my chest tightens.

With my free hand I pull out the small black box from my jacket pocket. I set it on his bare stomach and look up at him. I take pull both of his hands into my shaking ones and grip them tightly, kissing his fingers once more. Brian's eyes linger on the familiar little black object and then slowly lift to meet mine. I know I must look nervous. I feel like I'm going to be sick but I try hard to stay calm. The slight smile on my lips doesn't fail to tremble, even if a bit. Inside I can't control the fear. I can't control the fact that I may not get him, finally, like I've wanted him for so long.

"Brian, will you marry me?" I say as the words break lightly against my tongue.

I swallow down the lump in my throat, forcing my eyes to stay on his beautiful, dark, shocked ones. I make sure enough air makes it to my lungs to keep everything clear. The fear grows as his mouth slowly opens.

Please say yes.

"This is not how it's supposed to go. I'm suposed to ask you and it's supposed to be perfect beacause that's what you deserve. We shouldn't have to remember this in a hospital room with me being so weak and a pussy and ju--"

My temper hits me in the face. I feel the familiar hormones attack my heart like they have been lately. I try to control it.

"Brian," I interrupt him sharply, "do you love me?" I ask.

He shakes his head like I'm stupid, "Of course I do but this isn't what's supposed to go down. Listen to me, I wanted it to be everything you need. You caught me off guard, I wanted to--"

"Yes or no?!" I almost shout in his face because the fear and irritation has risen so high that I can't help it.

He looks at me, slightly surprised at my tactics. After a long moment he smiles at me.

"Well..." he says, drawing out the word, "yes."

Even though I knew that answer was coming it's like an atom bomb in my mind. Every bad feeling begins to turn good. The anger disappears and the dull excitement sets in. I'm so dazed that I forget what to do next. But Brian saves me. He opens the small box and pulls out the stunning ring that I wore so long ago. He steadies my shaking hand with his shaking hand and gently slides the ring onto my finger. Even though I try to hold them in the tears well up in my eyes. It's like a release of some kind. It's proof that I'm going to have him forever. I know now that I can move on from this pain because one small old ring binds us together as tight as the love we share.

Brian laughs a little and I can tell he's trying to hold in tears as well. I feel the grand smile on my face. I lean forward into him, aware of the bandage, and lace my fingers through his dark hair. I kiss him. My chest swims with butterflies. My stomach drops in pleasure.

Loud applause fills the room as our family comes barging in. I know that they were all fighting for a chance to see through the small hospital door window. I know that we were all waiting for this moment. Cheering and whooping doesn't make my head ache or my ears itch. I welcome it with complete joy. For this moment I can't feel anything except a fullness I haven't felt for years on end.

"I love you, Angel." Brian murmurs when I pull away from him.

His fingers on my face are warm and light, making me smile even more. I almost die with happiness at hearing him saying that to me again.

"I love you, too." I say.

"YEAH, DO IT!" Johnny yells loudly.

Silence fills the room for the moment we both look up at him. Everyone else looks at him too, and then we all break out into laughter.

This is where I belong. Right here with the people that love me most. And even though I begin to feel the stinging at my brother's absence the happiness overrides it. For once.