Almost Lost It All

Three months later...

They've left a place for me at the head table with my invitation sitting on the golden-rimmed plate. Everyone around me is breezing by with smiles and great anticipation as they're settling into their seats. The wind blows gently off the ocean, filling the air with a refreshing salty scent. It flows through my soul and stings me slightly. The sun is getting ready to start setting. The light is cascaded over the beach as beautiful golden rays with rolling white clouds overhead.

As I look around I feel a bit underdressed but I know it doesn't really matter. I venture among the crowd while we wait. Old friends glance in my direction but don't stop to do anything. I glide through easily avoided. I marvel at how many people have changed over the years and how many have stayed exactly the same. It makes me laugh to hear the original, normal conversations that are still circling around everyone like they used to. I hear my name in the crowd more than once or twice but I don't turn to confront who's speaking about me.

Loud chatting turns to soft chatting as the groom and the best men step up to the archway. I watch them from a distance. They haven't changed much in looks but I know each man has changed drastically because of the way life has treated them. A warm feeling fills my soul and makes me smile. They all look incredibly happy. The opportunities in front of them are endless and anyone watching them can see that. Laughter breaks out among the men and each grin brings a different memory to my mind. A different feeling. The feeling of being with my brothers.

Music starts playing in the distance. The men up front become quiet. Johnny claps Matt's back who claps Zack's back who ends up clapping Brian reassuringly on his shoulder. I smile with admiration. I watch as Brian inhales deeply, the nerves showing on his face. He moves around a bit in his tux while the excitement grows in his eyes. The ceremony begins.

I turn as the first girl starts up the aisle. The joy shocks me in the chest.

Gena. She looks wonderful. Slim with a new hairstyle yet again; different than a month ago. It suits her perfectly just as every other has in the past. She smiles grandly with excitement as she travels up the aisle and takes her place furthest from the arch's platform.

Val. She's four months pregnant and she's glowing with it. Her smile is elegant as she instantly makes eye contact with her husband of six years. I smile with the love I feel toward my best friend. She's taken care of so many people and now she gets to focus on her life. If anyone deserves it, it's her. She's still beautiful with age. I lean back; she doesn't see me so I don't try to get her attention.

Michelle. This makes me laugh a bit. Her hair is darker than her twin's but their smiles are similar. She catches the eye of her fiance in the crowd and her eyes light up. I find myself adoring her braveness. Dull memories of wondering about her pass through my mind from years ago. I always wondered the most where she'd end up. I'm happy about where she is now.

When I turn my eyes toward Leana I feel myself fizzle with love. She looks so beautiful. I want to reach out to touch her but I keep my place toward the back. My chest fills with the overwhelming feeling of peace when I look at her. When she smiles I smile, too. She can barely keep herself from bouncing with the excitement of the day. I laugh to myself at how adorable she still is. A distant longing rises in my stomach but I easily push it away. She's happy so I'm happy. I know that no matter what happens she will always be mine.

Grand music begins playing and I watch Brian's eyes intensify with love. I turn slightly as she steps out into the aisle. Her hands are shaking because she's nervous and I know I'm the only one who can notice it. Her lips twitch slightly like they always used to when she was trying to stay calm about something. When she sees her groom she smiles. It's a gorgeous smile. Her dark blue eyes glow with admiration toward the man she loves and pride overwhelmes me. She's changed so much over time. The simplicity of the dress she's wearing makes her burn with beauty. Her hair is falling freely among her shoulder with natural curls and volume. Her shoulders are set back with confidence as she walks with a tall frame. She looks stronger now. She's grown into herself so much in the three months she's been getting help. She's no longer the little girl of the group; she's a woman working on her life. And every little imperfection about her is beautiful. Every little nervous gesture she makes without her own knowledge is beautiful.

As Jen walks she rests her hands on her stomach out of habit but she doesn't look away from Brian. I can feel everyone's eyes fall to her pregnant belly. She's three months pregnant and just starting to show. The warmness fills me to the point of tears. It's a wonder how one reunion on a hidden beach that seemed doomed has brought something so amazing. Something amazing that my family is going to share. And they're going to be amazing parents. I wish for only a moment that I could be part of it but I know that I will be. I'll be around always, just not always seen. My memory will always be kept alive.

When Jen reaches the archway there are reluctant tears in her eyes. She's trying not to smile so much because she doesn't like her smile at all. In a gesture of love Brian gently reaches up and cups her chin in his hand for only a moment before taking her hands in his. As they join they both look down the aisle toward me. For a split second I know that they see me because both sets of eyes lighten with peace. A calming realization shows inside of them that tears shouldn't be shed today with pain, but happiness, because I'm here. I'm always there.

My little sister lets the smile stretch upon her lips as she turns her head back toward my best friend. The ceremony carries on in an happy light, cascading me in warmness. I take a seat in the chair they've left open for me at the very back corner, next to the aisle, and sit back.