Almost Lost It All

Two months later...

"Here, like this. Spread those fingers and press down."

My long fingers easily spread over the smooth keys of Jimmy's grand piano. I press down and a great sound erupts from the strings. A big smile crosses my face. I look up at him next to me to see him smiling, too. His crystal blue eyes already hold pride for me.

"Very good. Now this." He says.

He places both of his hands on the instrument. He spreads his big hands so his fingers are in the right position. He pushes down to make a beautiful harmony. I follow his actions. Whatever he does, I do. But even though I copy him with notes, I can't copy him with grace. He forgets he's next to me. His fingers glide over the keys as if he's born to do this. An amazing song echoes throughout his new home, a home he can call his own. The one he just bought with Leana. His head bobs as he moves with ease among the board. His bottom lip sticks out slightly as concentrates. While he gets lost his eyes glaze over in a brilliant trance. He's a master. He's as good on piano as he is on drums. I pay attention to every move he makes. Before he finishes I've remembered the whole song already. But I lie to him. I tell him I can't remember a thing. So he plays it again, getting lost again. I watch my brother in complete admiration, with envy extremely far away. Afterwards he looks up and smiles at me. I smile back graciously.

"What did you just play?" I ask, unable to recognize the piece as anything he's ever played before.

Jimmy's smile turns light as he leans back slightly.

"I don't know yet. I think I might call it Fiction." He says thoughtfully.

I nod, "That sounds pretty cool." I tell him.

"Yeah. But it might change. I'm saving this one for later. When I'm ready to hand it out. When everyone is ready to hear it." He murmurs, his eyes turning meaningful, "And it's not any time soon, I don't think. You're the only one that knows about it right now."

A great feeling of pleasure and pride fills me to the brim. That means I'm special. I'm good enough. I've glanced in on his genius when no one else has gotten the chance to.

"Well," I say, "whenever you're ready it's going to be amazing. It's going to live forever on those keys."

Jimmy laughs a little and pats my hand gently.

"You're right about that, little girl." He mutters quietly.

I place my hand over his and turn it over. I push up his long black sleeve to see the soft skin of his wrist. His whole arm is inked all the way to his hand but I only search a moment for what I'm looking for. When I find it, I smile big. It's my name in a fine cursive entwined in roses against a brilliant clouded sky. The tattoo is only small but it means so much to both of us. So much to me.

As I look up at him I brush my fingers over his skin.

"No matter what," I tell him confidently, "I won't leave you. As long as this tattoo is here, I'm here too." I smile slightly with the words.

My big brother slides over closer to me and slips an arm around my shoulders. He kisses my hair.

"Then never lose me again." He murmurs knowingly.

The familiar scene glows among me and I feel myself transform from my seventeen-year-old body into my present form. I look up at Jimmy and the pain only makes my heart ache a bit. It sits lightly in my pulse so I'm able to look peacefully at him.

"You knew that you were going to die. You were saving Fiction for all of us until the time was right." I murmur, stating the obvious.

My brother nods, not speaking. I let my eyes collect all of the features of his young face to store somewhere safe in my mind. It occurs to me that I'm older than him now. Another thought falls onto my brain, forcing me to break the silence once more.

"I saw you at the wedding." I say.

He lightly touches my face as he studies how I've changed over the years.

"I know," is all he says.

I let my hands rest on my mid-section and rub my pregnant tummy. My thoughts wander for a moment before I decide to speak.

"It's a boy." I tell him.

Jimmy lets go of me to lean back slightly. When he looks down at my stomach his eyes light up with pleasure. Tears slowly seep through the crystal blue disguise. He smiles brilliantly as he looks at my face again. My vision is blurred at seeing tears in his eyes. I take his hand and rest it near my belly button. As soon as his touch collides with my stomach there's a soft kick. He gasps a bit, and laughs in disbelief.

"That's amazing...my nephew." He whispers.

I nod before I bow my head slightly to look at his hand. Like before I turn it over in my own two hands. The name is only a little faded now but it's still there. I smile as the tears completely blur my vision. It feels like forever since I've been able to see it. It feels like eons since I've been able to touch my brother again with him feeling so real. I begin to cry with the overwhelming feeling of our existence together. I know that it's a dream but I know that it's really happening. I cry with relief that he's okay. That I'm okay. I cry because I'm strong enough to handle this. Handle life without him physically there. Because I know that he is there: in my heart, my mind, my dreams. Nothing can take that away. And as long as that tattoo is alive so is he and so am I. I'm his sister no matter what.

I look up at him and shake my head, "I won't lose you again. No matter what. You're not alone. And my son will know who you are." I say determinedly.

My brother reaches up and wipes the hair off of my face. He cups my cheek in his hand as his eyes see everything inside of me and mine see through his soul. He kisses my forehead gently before pulling away.

"Remember that I'm with you, too." He murmurs as he gets up.

I don't try to get up or follow him this time. I watch him as he walks toward the light. I know that this is the last time I'm going to see him so intimately. I know that this is his last real visit. He's returning to an eternal life among all of us. I bite my lip to keep the fresh tears in. The drops that escape fall and disappear as soon as they hit any kind of surface.

"Turn around, okay?" Jimmy says, like the first time I saw him in this dream.

I look into his eyes once more before turning on the piano bench. In front of me is that old Nevada bathroom mirror. Right before my eyes the cracks begin to disappear so I can see my clear reflection. I steady the features with little criticism this time. I don't doubt that I'm beautiful. I cherish my new found confidence as I press my finger tips against the cold, healed glass. I was cold, I was broken. And now I'm healing. The cracks in my life are slowly disappearing as I place everything together again. This time I know Jimmy is with me to help.

"You're my beautiful little sister. And I love you. So please, don't ever forget where you belong."

--

I wake up to the smell of tea. When I open my eyes they're misted with tears. Brian sits on the edge of our bed and leans over to press a kiss to my forehead. I feel his lips kiss away the lingering of my brother on my skin. My husband places both of his hands on my stomach and presses his lips in the area above my belly button.

"Good morning, buddy," he murmurs softly.

I reach out and run my fingers through his dark hair. His beautiful eyes raise to meet mine. He smiles. I smile back sleepily, feeling the love sweep me up with the morning. I move over a little so he crawls under the blankets. I gently touch the round scar on his bare chest; it's right near his heart. I let the rush of relief fill me like it does every day. He's alive. I'm alive. And we have eachother forever. I look up into his face as he looks down at me. He bows his head slightly to rest his forehead against mine. His fingers twist the engagement ring and the wedding ring around my finger as he glances down.

"Nice ring." He says as a gorgeous smile takes over his lips.

"My husband really loves me, I guess. He's really amazing. I wouldn't trade him for anything. And I know he's mine." I say back, letting my smile show as well.

"I have to meet this guy. It sounds like you're in love." He replies.

Brian's nose touches mine.

"I'm very in love." I murmur.

"Then maybe you shouldn't be near me." He whispers.

I laugh lowly as I shake my head.

"I don't think he'll mind."

I let my eyes slide closed as he softly kisses my lips. I love him so much there's nothing to describe it. The feeling inside of me is pure happiness when I'm with him. I'm at peace, but so excited with him. I'm looking toward my future. Nothing can go wrong with him here. Even if it does, I know that nothing will tear us apart. And that's enough for me.