Almost Lost It All

10PM

One.
Two.
Three.
Four.

I look at my visible tattoos in wonder. Inked for life. A statement that will never go away. And why don't I have PAIN written somewhere?

The first one is 'Beauty and Brilliance' on the soft skin of my right wrist in fine cursive. The second one is blooming midnight blue morning glories on my left wrist. The third one is 'A-T-H-E-L-E-T-E' on the bottom of my left foot. And the fourth is two-in-one: 'a7x' on the one side of my right ring finger, and 'Jimmy' on the other side. When I lie my hand flat out with my fingers together I can't see it. But I keep my fingers spread; I stare at the Jimmy one the longest.

When I look up toward the moon I feel like he's watching me right now. I've lost my faith in God after he died. Because how could someone be so cruel and take someone so important? Then again, when he was taken, I lost my faith in everything. But now, while looking up toward the sky, I can feel a small bit of hope beating in my heart. A faint voice inside of my head is telling me that he's up there, looking down at me, wishing that I would feel better. He doesn't want me to cry. He doesn't want me to hurt. He wants to be the big brother he always was, hugging the doubt out of me. And when I look at the water I feel something else.

I feel like I'm not so alone. I feel like someone close to me may be looking at the same thing I am. I lean back onto the heels of my hands and sort through my emotions.

Unhappiness.
Loneliness.
Doubt.
Fear.
...
Hope.
Warmth.
Longing.

As I think about what I'm feeling over and over again I realize something. When I look at the ocean I feel like I did when I was with Brian. A small smile spreads across my lips. I close my eyes. Flashbacks fly through my head as I inhale the salty air. His smile, his laugh, his eyes. The burning in my lungs feels good. I realize how badly I want him. Every inch of me, every particle and being, wants that man. I want him as much as I want my brother back. I want him as much as I want to be happy. My eyelashes flutter open to a new wave breaking off from all the other ones.
Maybe that's what I should be looking forward to. A new wave. Maybe I can be that new wave. Breaking off from everything bad in my life; bad in my soul. I can go back to show all of my friends that I've changed. They can help me change. I can be me again. Jimmy's Jen again.

Brian's Jen.

But I can never be his again, can I? He's got a fiance. He's moved on. He's forgotten about me, hasn't he? I'll get home and he won't give a care in the world. She's probably really beautiful. Really perfect for him. He'll never want to give himself to me as much as I want to give it all to him. As quickly as the good came, it leaves my body. A light breeze makes the hair on my arms stand and it's as if I can see all of my good feelings riding the wind; riding completely away from me. I don't try to catch them. When I look up toward the moon again I can't picture Jimmy. When I look toward the water I can't see Brian.

I push myself up and head toward the water. As I walk I peel off my shirt, shorts, and leave my sneakers alone with my socks. I wonder briefly how my face looks but forget it when I reach wet sand. Without hesitation I run into the waves, diving right in. The water is incredibly cold. It feels good on my cuts and bruises. It dulls the emotional pain. As I swim out further I can feel my insides numbing. All of what I'm feeling peels from my skin to shrivel in the salt of the water. I swim further and further until I can't touch the bottom anymore. I lie on my back to look up at the sky. The badness has almost left me to wait in the current until I swim back to shore.

Almost left me. Because as I look up toward the sky I feel like Jimmy is there again, but not to watch me. He's got his back turned on me. Because I almost felt good for once. I almost believed in him, myself, my friends. But I let it slip away. I never caught those good feelings; I just let them fly away. I can't help feeling that I've let my brother down. And not even the beach, my favourite place, can save me from that pain.

The salt from my tears almost fits in with the salt in the water. All of this, all of this faith, it was almost easy.

And Jimmy...he almost knew his sister.