Almost Lost It All

August 8th, 2014
5PM

It's four days after I got the call from Jen. Since then my dreams have been tainted with memories of her. I realize that it's getting ridiculous. I spent last night in my attic instead of with my fiance. Whatever I do, wherever I go, she's in my head. I get angry at myself because I can't control it. I've found out that I'm not strong enough to fight all of the oncoming thoughts off. I hate it. I hate not being in control of my own mind. I refuse to give in completely. She's gone, out of my life, spent. She should mean nothing more than an old friend now. I should have moved on from those times. They were great, but I have so many more great things ahead of me. I'm getting married in a couple of months to a beautiful girl who understands me. The band is working on a fantastic new album and DVD so we'll be able to tour again soon. I'm so lucky. But if I have all of these good things in my life, why do I feel so terrible?

You haven't moved on. She was more than a friend. She was everything to you. You still love...
No.

No. I have moved on. I've let Jimmy go where he belongs, so why should I hold onto her? I'm a strong guy, not someone weak who gets upset over memories. Such old memories.

--

A hand grabs mine and I focus in on my surroundings. When I look over to see Michelle next to me, smiling up at her sister, I blink in confusion. I half-expected to see Jen sitting next to me and holding my hand instead of my current fiance.

Stop.

This is not right. It's out of line.

Focus, Brian, come back to planet earth.

I'm in Matt and Valary's backyard with the rest of my bandmates and their wives. I'm the only remaining Avenged member who hasn't tied the knot yet. I swallow down the uncomfort of that. All of our parents are here. I note with unease that my father keeps shooting strange looks my way. I don't want him to know what I'm thinking. I don't want him to know that his son is weaker than he thinks. Of course, he would understand completely, but I still don't want to be that kind of person to him. As I tune in closer I realize that Matt and Val are standing in front of all of us. They're both wearing grins.

"Get on with it!" Jason Berry teases, a smile on his face.

"I already know what's gonna happen." Johnny Christ gloats with a smirk, being the little shit that he is.

"Oh shut up, Christ." Matt shoots back with a laugh.

I feel like I should input something into the conversation, but I honestly don't know what to say. I can barely stay in my own head long enough to remember why we're here and what we're discussing. I notice Zacky isn't here, yet. Where is he? I glance at Gena, who very deliberately ignores my gaze.

"Come on, spit it out already!" Shouts Larry Jacobson, our band manager to this very day.

Val laughs, wrapping an arm around Matt's waist. He does the same to her, except he puts his free hand gently over her stomach. Michelle, Leana and Gena all gasp. Michelle starts to rise.

"No." She utters in surprise.

Her sister nods excitedly, "I hate to say it with out Zack here, but...yes. I'm pregnant!" She announces loudly, grinning greatly.

Michelle springs up like a jack in a box to run toward her sister, tackling her with hugs. The rest of the girls, including mothers, swarm her while I watch my guy friends and our fathers shake hands with Matt. In my sadness I really try to see a glint of hope; this is great. But as I get up to go congratulate my best friends I can't find the overwhelming happiness I should be feeling for them. I know I'm ecstatic for them, I just can pinpoint the emotion at this moment. Why must I be so selfish?

While Johnny backs up from Matt I lean in and hug him briefly while muttering my congrats. I can feel how much I'm working at a smile for him. I want it all to be real. For my sake; for their sake. He's gleaming with excitement, happiness, and fear. Before any of us can get out of the way the girls are ambushing him with hugs too. So the guys start hugging Val. As I take her in my arms I feel empty. My heart feels like it's echoing in my chest. Everything goes quiet. I can't hear her say thank you to me and I can't feel her kiss me on the cheek. I'm pushed back in line by Larry, but I don't notice that either.

Because behind all of their backs I see Zack walking up the driveway. He seems as if he's sheilding someone from harm as he walks. He's holding a girl's hand. It doesn't look like they're in love, it looks like she's seeking comfort from him. Like a best friend might in another. With every step they get closer my heart beats harder. I can't look anywhere else. I can feel my insides start shaking.

"Bri?" Michelle asks me, but I can't respond, because I've forgotten how to talk.

Like a shift on earth, I feel everyone in the backyard turn around to see what I see. Zack holds the gate open for the person behind him and everything freezes. He looks up at us with forced calm, jade eyes.

"Surprise." He utters softly for all of us to here.

My relief is so great that I feel as if I might collapse. I want to yell in joy because she's real. She's real, right in front of her true family. She came back. She came back to us! She realized, finally, how much we can help her. Has she found out that we miss her so much? She's safe again. She can be happy again. Everything can get back to being the way they've always belonged: with her in our lives. I could flip in excitement at this revelation.

But then I look at her. The dreadful pain pulses through my veins, casting the happiness aside. Standing in front of us is no longer a girl. She's thinner, paler, mature-looking. I want to sweep her up into my arms. My body screams in suffering silence to immediately have her body against mine. My fingers twitch to touch her lips, her hair, her hands. My emotions are brewing inside of me. I feel the strong need to protect her from any harm because she looks so scared. Her face is bruised all over the left side; I can tell someone hit her. I want to go over to her and kiss the scars away. I want to hug her close to me and tell her that everything heals. People heal people so I can heal her. I want, at this moment, more than anything, to tell her this is where she belongs. Because she looks so beautiful. Under the bruises, the fright, the visible mental stress: she's so completely beautiful. Her face is smooth in the late afternoon sun. Her lips are dry and chapped, but full and kissable. Her hair is wild; it's flowing over her shoulders in silky waves. Her body looks like it's crying out for arms to hold her. Her eyes look like she's pleading for love.

Whenever I used to think about our reunion I thought I'd be able to kiss her as soon as I saw her. I thought I'd be able to tell her how much I loved her. I thought I could say how I've been waiting for her to come home. Not in a million years did I ever think that when she returned I wouldn't be able to have her again. And I never thought this much doom would consume me with her arrival.

No one makes a move, because they're all too stunned, but I know no one is feeling as I do. I faintly wonder in the back of my mind how Jen is feeling, standing there in front of us like this.