Confused

I locked myself in my room again and I didn’t cry. I’ve held tears in for so long before. I could still do it now. I hope.

Sure…Bert made me laugh today but Gerard taught me how to cry.

“Frank, its okay to cry. Just because you do doesn’t make you less of a man. It makes you more human. Your tears will show pain. Emotions and feelings that are bottled up in there.” He placed a finger on my chest, where my heart was for emphasis.

He held me that night. The whole night, I cried. For my mom leaving me, my dad beating me, everything. And for the first time, I fell asleep feeling light.

If I cry now, it’ll show that I’m still hurting. It will show that just even a small figment of anger can hurt me and if something that small hurts how much more when something big happens.

Curled into a ball, I held myself tight. When my arms grew tired of holding on, I let go and I screamed. I screamed myself hoarse and I screamed it all away. My throat grew painful and I still screamed. Who knew screaming was such a good thing?

I slept afterwards. Just in my clothes. I was THAT tired.

The next morning, I woke up, I ate and I slept. I was too tired to move. It was only when my voice message turned on that I did.

“Hey Frank? It’s Bert. Happy Birthday dude! Wanna chill with me and the guys? We’ve got this underground gig thing and well…you might hang with your guys though so never mind…Just wanted to say happy birthday dude.”

That was when I cried. I felt alone again and it wasn’t because no one was here. It was the fact that nobody decided to call me. The fact that Gerard might not talk to me ever again or the fact that the guys all have people that love them. The fact that the traitors in other people’s lives are the only people that care.

If the traitors destroyed their trust but gained yours, who will you stay with?

I made my decision. I picked up the phone and called the person I wanted to spend my birthday with.