Such a Surreal Place

As soon as I got outside of the stupid club, I looked for somewhere to go. Somewhere private. I could only think of the tour bus, so I ran all the way there, tears streaming down my face. When I got there, I grabbed one of my many already packed suitcases and got out of there as fast as I could. I went around the side of one of the buildings who owned the large parking lot that we were parked in. I was quite far away from the bus, but I could clearly see anyone who was going to go into it. They wouldn't be able to see me here; the shadows were just right. I leaned back against the cold brick wall and slid down it, my knees giving in because they were shaking too much from shock.

What the hell was he doing? I thought he loved me! Obviously I had thought wrong. I put my hand up to my necklace and I undid the hook at the back. I sat there, staring at it in my hands. More tears fell down my cheeks. He had chosen some slutty blond over me? After all that we’ve been through? This wasn’t right! What had I done wrong? Where did I fuck up our relationship so badly? I was crying uncontrollably, but I forced myself to stand. I headed back over to the tour bus and opened the door. I chucked the necklace just above the stairs. He obviously didn’t have the key to my heart anymore. He has the key to that stupid blond’s now.

I slammed the door shut, not bothering to lock it, and walked back over to my hiding place. I sat there crying my heart out for about 15 minutes before I saw someone coming over to the tour bus. Mel. I tried to control my crying so she wouldn’t hear me. The night was quite quiet. She took her key and put it in the lock, but soon realised it was already open. I could almost feel her hope rising as she opened the door. She flicked on the light, then stopped on the first step. I knew she had seen the necklace on the ground. I heard her swear and then she started frantically running through the tour bus, looking for me.

Why Syn? Why did you have to go off with that girl? But why did I leave him to dance with Mel in the first place? I could’ve easily stayed and kept an eye on his drunken arse. Was this my fault? If I would’ve stayed, would my heart still be in one piece? Mel came back out of the tour bus and started walking away, but then she stopped and turned around again. I saw two people walking behind her. I recognized Zacky straight away, as he was shouting and I could recognize his voice anywhere. The other one was being quiet. Oh, it was Syn. The one and only Synyster Gates. The one who breaks girl’s hearts as often as he changes his god dam underwear. I cried more as I watched him stumble over to the bus with the newlyweds. God, I loved him so much it really hurt. But at the moment, I felt so insignificant to him.

Mel stood by the door to the bus, yelling at him. She even hit him a few times. I heard a lot of swear words. She was VERY pissed off. Gates just stood there. I don’t even know if he could understand what was going on. That made me even more broken inside. Could he realise what I’d done? I’d left that treasured love necklace on the ground and run away! Run away from him! Why wasn’t he running after me? No. He didn’t love me. He must love that blond slut more than me. I watched as Gates slowly walked up the steps and bent over. He must’ve picked up the necklace. He turned around and walked back down the steps, sitting down on the last one. The light reflected something silver in his hands. He must have my necklace. He took a necklace off himself (must be the key) and held both in his hands. He hung his head down. Maybe he did understand what was going on.

I saw Jimmy walking over to the bus, from an opposite direction than the club. I heard him talking about how he hadn’t seen me anywhere and that he had no clue where I could’ve gone. Then he started going nuts at Gates. Maybe Mel was right. Maybe the only reason Gates actually ‘loved’ me back was because he wanted to become famous. He wanted his band to do very well, and the only way he could do that was to have me as an asset. My tears came freely again as I watched the scene Jimmy was making. He suddenly moved to go hit Gates, but Zacky got in the way, shoving Jimmy back. Then Zacky started yelling at Jimmy. I watched as Gates put his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking. Mel sat next to Gates, putting her arm around him and talking to him. Comforting him? Or telling him he was an idiot? Who knows. Gates picked his head up and started shouting at Zacky and Jimmy, who ceased arguing straight away. I’m sure I heard him say the word ‘love’, but then again, my mind was probably playing tricks on me.

I put my head back against the brick wall, making a loud thumping noise. I didn’t care. I didn’t even feel the pain. My heart was hurting too much. I sat in the darkness, wishing I wasn’t here. That I wasn’t me. I REALLY didn’t want to be Ashleigh Hanway at the moment.

I began remembering pretty much everything that I had done with Gates. My brain was absolutely flooded with so many happy memories. And I still couldn’t see where I went wrong. Every time I was with him, he seemed really glad that he was with me. He seemed so pleased that I had chosen him over all the other guys in the world. It seemed like he was in love with me. Key word being ‘seemed’. What if he was just a really good actor? What if he could lie so damn well, that even I didn’t pick up on it? Or maybe I was just so crazy for him that I couldn’t see through his lies. I couldn’t stop crying. My head was killing me. I wish I had never signed up to produce Avenged Sevenfold’s album. I wish I had never even considered it. This was far too much pain for me to cope with.

If I would’ve known that this was going to happen, I never would’ve even met them. Gates just has that aura about him. Every girl has to be attracted to it in one way or another. Including that stupid blond that apparently was worth a lot more to him than what we had. I had seriously been considering (since Zacky and Mel’s wedding) that maybe I had finally found the real thing. Maybe Gates was my life partner. My soul mate. My other half. Maybe I should have told him in that church that I wanted to get married, even though he had said that he was just joking. But now, I was to never hear another ‘I love you’ from him again. Gosh, I should have never taken them to that club. I should never have left Gates to dance with Mel.

But why the hell should I be angry at myself? I did nothing wrong! I didn’t walk off with my arm around a slut! I still loved Syn. Or was it Brian? Or was it that rock star Synyster Gates? Mel was so right. God, I wish she wasn’t! Why couldn’t I love Brian? Why couldn’t I get away from the ‘rock star boyfriend’ need that I had? I could just add Synyster Gates to the long list of guitarists that I’d been with, but that wouldn’t be easy. ‘Cause this time, I was in love.

I heard Jimmy shouting again. Once again, it was directed at Gates. He was demanding whether or not he loved me. I could see Gates’ face was streaked black from the heavy eyeliner he had put on today. I listened in, focusing on Gates’ answer. Did he love me? Of course not. Why else would he have gone with that blond girl? Wait. He said yes. I heard footsteps coming from the opposite side of me. I turned my head around to my left. Crap. It was Matt. I looked back at the tour bus. If I went that way, Gates would see me, no doubt. And I couldn’t confront him. Not right now. If I went to my left, Matt would definitely see me. Or I could stay hidden behind my suitcase, being invisible. That was my best shot. I stayed put, doing my best to be silent and not cry. The footsteps got closer. I kept on thinking about Gates’ answer to Jimmy’s question.

“Ash?” Matt asked, stopping in front of me. Fuck. That didn’t work.