Such a Surreal Place

“I know this is shocking news and I don’t expect you to make a decision right now,” the doctor started to talk in a comforting tone as tears fell down my face. “But if you decide to treat the cancer, the baby will be killed by the therapy. If you decide to keep the baby and ignore the cancer, the cancer could end up taking over your body in that time, possibly kill the baby, and you too. Keep in mind that both tests are only 99% accurate.” I couldn’t speak. I was too shocked. I had cancer and a baby inside of me. She let me exit her room and I headed weakly over to Brian. He saw my tears and instantly put down the woman’s magazine and hugged me.

“What is it?” he asked, panicking and worrying greatly about me.

“I have cancer,” I told him in between sobs. He hugged me tighter, knowing that was my greatest fear. I pushed him away from me so we were still in a hug, but it wasn’t so tight. He started to rub my back in another effort to comfort me. “But you can’t hug me too tightly because I’m pregnant as well.” His jaw dropped and his eyes filled with happiness, nearly completely replacing the sadness that was there before. I cried in his arms for a while in the waiting room before we left, Brian completely ecstatic inside, but not wanting to show it in case I was offended because I also had cancer. I guess he didn’t know that I could see right through him now. We left the hospital and went back to the bus to meet with the guys, picking up three different pregnancy tests at a small department store on the way, just to be sure of the good news. Brian flung the door open and leaped up the stairs into the tour bus, everyone looking at him funny as I barely made it up the stairs due to feeling like crap.

“WE’RE HAVING A BABY!” he shouted proudly at the top of his lungs. We had decided not to tell everyone else about the cancer, but just the baby. Not yet anyway. Everyone congratulated us, especially Mel and Zacky.

“Oh my God, we’re both having kids!” she squealed super excitedly while hugging me.

“I know!” I said back, hugging her tightly. I was almost in tears because of both sets of news. Since the others didn’t know about the cancer, they all thought it was because of the baby and comforted me with jokes about babies. But they had no idea that I wasn’t actually worried about raising a child; it was the cancer that was freaking me out. The doctor had basically told me that I had to choose my life or my baby’s life. And I didn’t know what one to choose...

I love Brian. He is now my husband and to start a family with him would be so amazing. But if I died, he would be destroyed. But surely he’d be able to look after the baby and raise it properly without me. But what if Bri couldn’t? And what if it was a girl who ended up looking a lot like me? Surely that would emotionally kill him every day. And I was not ready to die. No way. I haven’t done so many things that I want to, and I really don’t want to leave the love of my life at such a young age. But we both wanted a baby, and we had finally conceived one. I just really didn’t know what to do...

*2 days later*

I had been eating healthier and therefore feeling a lot better and rarely puking. The mornings were the worst, but I was sort of getting used to it and coping with it. Things were honestly getting better as I got used to being pregnant; the news had finally sunk in, I think. I had taken the other pregnancy tests that I had bought and they all said I was positive. So I was definitely having a baby. Since the doctor was right about that, they had to be right about the cancer too, so I really had a tough decision to make. I just didn’t know what to do. Brian wouldn’t help me with choosing; he just said it was up to me, not him, and either way he would still love me forever. So I decided to tell my best friend. She was setting up Syn’s guitar before a performance and the boys had gone to get supplies together, Zacky and Johnny getting new clothes while the other three got food for everyone.

“Hey Mel, can I talk to you privately and seriously?” I asked quietly as she tuned the guitar.

“Yeah of course,” she agreed straight away, sensing the urgency in my voice. She put the guitar down gently before finding a seat away from the rest of the crew. “What’s up?”

“Well... When I went to the doctor and found out I was pregnant, I was also told I had cancer,” I said, tears in my eyes already.

“What? No...” Mel seemed almost as crushed as me. “Oh, that is horrible... What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know!” I said, my voice getting squeaky. “If I treat the cancer, my baby dies. And if I have the baby, I could die from cancer.”

“Well, what does Brian think?” she questioned and I dropped my head, looking away.

“He doesn’t know what to do either. He says it’s my choice, and he’ll be happy either way,” I replied and she sighed. We heard the commotion of the band returning and joking around nearby.

“I’m honestly speechless...” she mumbled after some silence between us. “I can’t imagine what you are going through...”

“I have a little baby growing inside of me, Mel, just like you. It’s either I murder him, or I commit suicide!” I said, the tears starting to fall. “What do I do?”

“I... I don’t know...” she whispered. “I’m going to get Brian.” She left me to cry as she took a 20 second walk to find my husband. He ran over to me and hugged me until I stopped crying.

“If it helps, I confided in Jimmy a few minutes ago, and he said to have the baby,” Bri whispered in my ear once I had stopped. He continued to hold me tight as I pondered that thought. Jimmy did have a habit of always being right...