You're Living a Lie, You Just Can't Hide From Me

Natalie intrigued Garrett in ways he couldn’t express. Maybe it was due to the fact that she was nothing like he’d expected, and that she didn’t apologize for that. It was as if she was older, even though it’d only been months. She seemed to have really grown up, and he could somehow tell that even though they’d never spoken much prior to now. He wanted to know everything about her. He wanted to know what it was that made her so amazing to him.

At first it had just been because she was beautiful, and, sure, he’d always thought she was cute in high school, but now… now there was something about her that couldn’t be denied as less than stunning. The way her eyes weren’t blue or green or gold but an eclectic mix. Something about her reminded him of a mermaid… something terribly beautiful, that isn’t necessarily able to be touched. And he was a sailor lost at sea.

“W-why didn’t we hang out in high school?” Garrett asked quietly, leaning forward.

“You didn’t know I existed in high school.” Natalie replied. “You were too busy being Rachael’s lapdog.”

He sighed.

The truth was that she was totally right, even if he didn’t want to admit it. It saddened him to think that even Natalie realized that the girl he had thought he loved had treated him like shit. To think so, upset him.

He wasted so much time on Rachael when Natalie had been there all along. He had noticed Natalie and thought she was hot, but he’d never even considered talking to another girl in fear of upsetting his girlfriend. He regretted never knowing her until now, but he couldn’t do anything about it.

“Tell me something.”

She tilted her head to the side. “Something?”

“I mean, a-about you…”

“Like what?” The girl laughed lightly.

“Just… anything.”

Natalie smiled softly, pursing her lips together. “When I did pageants, for the talent portion, my talent was rhythmic gymnastics.”

That hadn’t been what Garrett expected. He wanted to hear something deeper than that, but he’d settle.

“What? Not good enough?”

He chuckled.

“I…I’m not really good at letting people in.” She spoke quietly. “I, um… I come off as really aloof, and as if I don’t care, and its because people never seemed to take the time to know me. I hung out with Alyssa in high school, but without her, senior year was awful.”

Garrett frowned.

He knew that Natalie’s high school experience had been nothing like his own. He knew that she had spent a lot of time alone, and in the library, but he didn’t realize that she hadn’t had anyone except Alyssa. He didn’t think Natalie was aloof or standoffish, but he had noticed that she had trouble speaking about herself. She always shifted the conversation to someone else, and John never picked up on it. He loved talking about himself anyway.

“I wish we’d hung out in high school.” He spoke.

“I don’t think you do, Gar. I wasn’t the same person I am now.”

He looked at her placidly, hoping that he could see what she was talking about. He’d learned quickly that Natalie’s eyes held secrets that she’d never speak of. But her eyes looked glassy as if they were ready to be filled with tears. She would never admit that she needed someone, and that was something he wanted to change.

“I’m not a good person, Gary.” Natalie spoke quietly, placing her hands on the table. “And I think I’m afraid that if people realize just how much I mean that… then-“

“What are you talking about?” His eyes widened. “Nat, y-you’re-“

“I play games, I lead boys on… I make them think that they can have me when they can’t-“

“Is that what this is about?” He gestured between them.

“Not with you.” She sighed. “You’re not like the other boys, Gary. I almost resent you for it.”

He didn’t understand, but he felt that pushing the subject would only make it so much more awkward than it had to be. He didn’t know what she meant or how he was supposed to answer, so he let it go. It saddened him that a girl like Natalie, who he was pretty sure, was perfect thought of herself as such a monster. He had no idea how she would ever see that in herself, but he was determined to fix her.

“I, um…” Garrett began. “I-I’ve got this.” He nodded, grabbing the check and placing a couple bills in the booklet before Natalie could protest.

She smiled softly. “Gar, you didn’t have to. I could have.”

“I wanted to.”

“Well, thank you.”

She didn’t know if she liked that he was being so chivalrous. It was kind of sweet, yet she wondered if it were anyone else that she’d be bothered. Natalie didn’t like depending on anyone else, and was reminded of so whenever a boy tried to “take care of her.” She figured it was part of the reason she was so reticent towards them. But Garrett wasn’t like other boys, even if she had to keep reminding herself of the fact.

He put out a hand and she accepted it, standing up from her seat. She smiled as he laced their fingers, leading her out of the restaurant. Something about Garrett was so endearing… so harmless. She hadn’t felt comfortable around boys since Andrew took her to that ASU party. No matter how much she feared, it was like he was willing to save her. Maybe he was just what she needed at the moment.

Neither of them spoke, just walked along the boardwalk for a while. Garrett didn’t have the guts to say what he wanted and Natalie couldn’t find anything worth mentioning. She had accepted John’s offer for a date later that night and was starting to reconsider.

The truth was that she was ready to give up on her strong feelings for Garrett. She’d waited so long for him and he didn’t even notice her until they came to L.A. John, at the very least, made it obvious. He wasn’t totally discreet about his intentions and he was definitely a hell of a kisser. Still, she wasn’t sure that her feelings for him would be able to surpass the longing inside her that the bass player caused.

She’d never really had one guy to herself, to even consider two made her feel terribly disgusted with herself. But the truth was that Natalie just wanted someone to last for more than a night. She wasn’t sure love existed, but she wanted to believe in it. She wanted to experience whatever it meant.

“Nat?” The older boy spoke quietly.

“Yeah, G?”

“I just… I-I’m sorry.”

She didn’t understand his apology, but she smiled softly nonetheless.

“I noticed you in high school, Nat. I just didn’t have the nerve to-“ He paused, his thumb tracing circles on her hand. “I just hope that we can make up for time lost.”

“I’d like that.” Her smile widened. “I really would.”

He smiled as well, unable to stop. She had this effect on him that he couldn’t deny. Natalie was like the rainbow after a downpour; she was what made him happiest, even if she didn’t know that.

Garrett didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t want to be too forward and scare her off. He’d only been with one girl and didn’t know how to act around girls that weren’t Rachael… especially girls who seemed as fragile as Natalie Evers did. Being around her was difficult because all he wanted to do was push her up against the nearest wall and have his way with her. She seemed so innocent to him, and something about that made him fall for her harder. Too bad he had no idea just how wrong that notion was.

“Hey Nat?” He asked quietly after a while.

“Yes, Gary?”

“Did… did you mean what you said at the club?”

He must have heard her wrong. She probably hadn’t said she wanted him… The music had been really loud, and it wouldn’t make much sense. A girl like Natalie would never make a confession like that sober. He didn’t even know that she was capable of making him so insecure that she’d choose John over him. He didn’t know where all of these emotions came from, but he knew that she was responsible.

Natalie smiled softly, her eyes a shade of blue tinged jade that he couldn’t place.

He couldn’t read her… and even though he knew her eyes were giving him the answer, he couldn’t decipher it. It was between that and the same grin on her face, but he didn’t know how to understand it. All he knew was that she wasn’t denying it. She didn’t say that it had been a joke, nor did she ask what he was talking about. She clearly knew exactly what he was referring to.

“I tend to play games… but I’ve never tried to play you, Garrett.” She told him quietly.

“So you aren’t going on a date with John tonight?”

She sighed. “I like him, and he asked me out. What? Are you jealous?”

Her voice held a playful tone as if she, though she denied it, was playing with him. He didn’t know how to answer her because she was absolutely right. He was definitely jealous; he just couldn’t admit it.

It wasn’t about pride, it was about how she made him think that she wanted him and then accepted a date with his friend. The copper haired boy knew that she didn’t really hold any ties to him, and she could be dating all sorts of other guys, but he didn’t want to believe it. The Natalie he remembered was nothing like this…

Still, his smile dropped as he glanced down at their intertwined hands.

“Hey Nat?” Garrett asked softly, pulling on her hand to stop their walk as they reached her apartment complex.

She turned to him, tilting her head to the side a bit. “Yes Garrett?”

“W-was that… um… a date?”

The redhead opened her mouth to answer, but closed it immediately, her lips curling in a small smile. “Well, we ate a meal, and you paid for it…”

Thinking of the words coming out of her mouth, she realized that she’d had the same conversation with John when they’d decided that breakfast at the twenty-four hour diner had indeed been a date. It was strange to think she was using the same discussion with the boy’s friend mere days before. It made her feel kind of badly, to be honest. It wasn’t as if she was leading him on intentionally.

Natalie didn’t know if Garrett had any interest in her other than her body, so she was careful not to show her true feelings for him. She kept a distance by keeping what she wanted to tell him and what she actually did tell him very separate things. The idea that the meal they just shared could have been a date made her smile a bit, but it hadn’t felt like a date. Hanging out with Garrett felt like spending time with an old friend. Sure, an old friend that she wanted to make out with, but still. She couldn’t even think of another boy who’d made her feel as comfortable as he did.

“I’d like to think it was.” He admitted, his blue eyes looking vibrant as ever, his gaze penetrating.

“Me too.” Natalie smiled.

“I don’t like that you’re going out with John, Nat.” Garrett spoke quietly, his free hand playing with the end of her curled hair, twirling it around his finger.

“I’m sorry, Gary, but I like him.” She smiled softly at the idea that maybe she’d made him jealous.

The bassist sighed, not knowing what to respond with.

“But our date isn’t for a couple hours. Wanna come back to the apartment?”

Garrett wasn’t sure. He wanted to spend as much time with Natalie as possible. He wanted to show her that he was the better man. But, he knew that he’d spend a good amount of time thinking about his crush with John. She’d admitted that they’d kissed… did this date include more than that? A girl like Natalie was so delicate and innocent, and that was why the idea of her with John upset her. Well, apart from the fact that he wanted to be with her.

She let go of his hand, reaching her now free hand to move his other hand from her hair, and place it on her waist. She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. She didn’t know why, but, at the moment, she felt that she needed to be close to him like this. Natalie felt guilty for going out with someone else, especially with it being one of the boy’s best friends. But she also knew that with John, she knew where she stood and it was kind of comforting. He had made his every intention obvious to her and she knew what she was getting herself into.

Garrett had always remained a bit of a mystery to her, and while she was interested in solving it, she didn’t know if she had the time. Just because she loved Garrett didn’t mean that she couldn’t learn to love John. It wasn’t like the boy in front of her had many any gesture that would have her thinking he returned her feelings.

“Okay.” He spoke softly.

Natalie smiled a little bit more, letting go of him and leading him into the building. He sighed as they entered the elevator, reaching for her hand once again. She giggled quietly, squeezing his hand and letting their bodies touch.

Being with John made Natalie feel so small and childlike, but being with Garrett made her feel like she was perfect. He wasn’t too tall, and when he held her, they seemed to fit together nicely. She figured that she’d have to stand on her tiptoes if they were to kiss. She and John had only kissed when they lay together in bed, but she had a feeling that if they were to kiss tonight, it would be a whole ordeal.

Everything about Garrett made her feel better about herself. He was as nerdy and awkward as she was, if not more. They could have the longest talks about nothing, and it would just make sense. She didn’t feel as embarrassed to speak her mind around him because he seemed to always know what she was referring to. She hadn’t been able to find a boy like him before. Guys thought it was weird that she was so “boyish.” Girls apparently weren’t supposed to like zombies or video games or comic books. But a part of Natalie had been forced into girl world as a pageant contestant, that the suppression of her unfeminine qualities had made her this way.

"Natalie," He spoke as she led him to her bedroom. "Nat, what is this?"

"I, um... I just wanted to lay down and listen to music with you, Gar."

He sighed, not saying anything as she moved over to her record player and put on a record that he didn't know. He soon realized that it was Jenny Lewis' voice and that the record was by Rilo Kiley. He chuckled, wondering if that was part of the reason Natalie went for red hair.

Natalie stood in front of her closet, pulling something out that he didn't see before joining him on the bed. She smiled as he enveloped her in his arms, and inhaled his familiar scent. What she loved most was that sometimes, after they'd laid there long enough, her sheets would still smell faintly of Garrett. His scent was calming, his touch was exciting.

She didn't know why she couldn't tell him that she wanted him and leave it at that. She was still too shy to be able to admit her feelings for him. John, who she remembered being a nervous wreck at their first show, had seemingly become a heartthrob. He told Natalie point blank that he was interested in her, and that was something she respected. If Garrett didn't say anything, she wasn't going to... What good was coming from it when neither of them made any note at what they really wanted?

Natalie didn't feel as if she deserved Garrett anymore... She had tarnished herself, and couldn't even remember how many guys she'd been with. She was a slut, even if it hadn't been intentional. Garrett had probably only been with Rachael... He couldn't be with someone who couldn't even remember the names of the boys she'd been with.

"Nat, I... I don't know what is going on... do you want to be with John?"

"I don't know, Gar. I don't know what I want. Is that so bad?"

He sighed. "I just... John is one of my best friends... But that doesn't mean he's good for you."

"Why are you being so protective all of a sudden, Garrett? You don't owe me anything."

He sighed frustratedly, looking her directly in the eye. "Because, you're too good for any guy, Natalie. I don't understand that you don’t see what I—w-what all of-of us, the…the guys and, uh, I—see, which is that you deserve so much more than you think you do. You need someone who will be everything you've ever dreamed of.”

"And John isn't good enough?"

"I don't know if his intentions are honorable."

"You assume that I don't know that, Gary?" She leaned her head against the pillows. "I'm not some delicate girl who still believes in love and happily ever after. I'm okay with that."

"That's what I'm saying, Nat... Y-you deserve your happily ever after."