You're Living a Lie, You Just Can't Hide From Me

“So I wasn’t sure what to do on our date.” John began softly. “But I remember you saying something about loving old movies and I found a theatre that only plays them… I figured we could get dinner after?”

Natalie smiled, smoothing out the skirt of her dress, and mentally cursing herself for wearing something that she was afraid to bend over in.

All she had cared about was impressing him and looking good for him, but now she wasn’t so sure. Garrett hadn’t seemed so fond that she was going out with his bandmate. It was up until he said anything that she’d had no doubts about the date. Now her mind was flooded with them. It wasn’t that she didn’t like John; it was just that he wasn’t Garrett. But if Garrett wasn’t interested, then she was going to go ahead with the boy who made his feelings so obvious.

He was a sweet boy, and was definitely good to look at. But whenever he looked at her, she felt like an awkward teenage nerd. She didn’t think he understood half the things she told him, but wouldn’t dare ask so to seem less intelligent than he was. He didn’t seem to care about horror cinema or that she was starting to think that was the type of area she’d love to work in. All he did was look at her in that way that made her uncomfortable, and smile at her. He complimented her on how beautiful she looked and smiled at her with a lustful gaze in his eye.

But the theatre he’d chosen was awesome and the movie that was being shown was, “How To Marry A Millionaire,” so that was nice. But it didn’t seem like something that John would do. Yet she couldn’t decide if she had proper criteria to make that decision. Still, Natalie had always been a huge fan of Marilyn Monroe, Lauren Bacall and Betty Grable, so the fact that one of her favorite movies was playing was nice.

The fact that she’d seen the movie and could recite certain scenes word for word was something John found adorable. He’d seen a photo of Natalie with her natural blonde hair dressed up for Halloween in vintage garb and decided that she reminded him of Grable and/or Monroe. There was something so cinematic about Natalie, and a natural grace that she carried.

John watched her more than he watched the movie. The way she smiled, and mouthed along was something he found adorable. The way she toyed with her raspberry locks and glanced over at him from time to time with a small smile on her face.

But it was the way her hand mysteriously ended up on his thigh that made him react. She wasn’t touching him anywhere that would be considered erotic, it was just on his outer thigh closest to her body, but he reacted immediately. His whole body stiffened merely from her touch and he wished she would move her hand closer to where he needed her most.

“John,” Natalie spoke quietly.

“Yeah Tals?”

“Thank you for bringing me here… its really sweet of you.”

The two sat in contentment, for a while until a few moments later; Natalie felt John’s lips against her neck. She kept her wide eyes on the screen as she felt his tongue glide over the skin near her earlobe. No guy had ever touched her like this, and if they had, she surely wasn’t sober enough to remember. All she had wanted was to focus on the movie, but now it was having a much harder time focusing.

He chuckled softly against her, placing kisses all over the skin that he could reach. He was searching for her spot, and as soon as his lips touched mere inches under her ear, she let out an involuntary moan. He grinned at his success, continuing to suck on the skin, nipping at it, and Natalie threw her head back, no shame. She had never experienced this feeling, and she loved it.

“Do you like what I’m making you feel?” He asked, his fingers starting to trace her inner thigh.

“John, not here.” She told him, moving his hand away.

He chuckled. “So maybe later?”

“Keep it in your pants for the time being.” She answered, purposely avoiding his question.

Sure, Natalie had been with a lot of guys, but she couldn’t remember any of the experiences. There hadn’t been a sober experience, and all she ever remembered was waking up with a terrible ache between her legs. She knew that John was very experienced, which automatically made them a better match, but she wasn’t about to give up her first sober experience so easily. Especially not right then and there in the theatre.

Natalie smiled at John as they sat at dinner. She was still quite full from her meal with Garrett, but ate some, careful not to be rude.

She became oddly nervous that John would be able to tell that something was wrong. The redhead had a feeling that he noticed that she wasn’t acting like herself and that she was not all there. Still, he never mentioned it… but the truth was that it’d been the same things she’d been thinking this whole time. She had never been as honest as what she told Jared. He was the only one who knew the truth, but what she had told Garrett about not being able to play him made her feel bad.

John was the ideal guy in the situation. Something about him reminded her of all the boys she had under her belt, who’d been under her skirt. He was so easily trusting of her, and he was so easy to manipulate, if she chose to. She knew that, if she really wanted to, she could tease him all she wanted, and he would be putty in her hands.

It had been total honesty when she told Garrett that she almost begrudged that he was different. It was partly because she couldn’t treat him like the others and treat him as if she didn’t care for him. But it was also because he saw through her, whether they admitted it or not, Garrett had a lot more on Natalie than any other boy. But she wasn’t on a date with Garrett, and while he continued to plague her thoughts, it wasn’t an option.

“Natalie, I really like you.” The singer spoke, his hazel eyes soft as he reached across the table for her hand.

She smiled, accepting his gesture and lacing their fingers together. “I really like you too.”

“I…I don’t know what you’re so hesitant about…” He paused.

“John, do you remember… what happened at the club?”

“How I told you that I wanted to take care of you?” He raised an eyebrow.

She nodded slowly.

“Why?”

“What did you mean by that?”

“Well, sweetheart, they don’t call me ‘John Ohh’ for nothing.” He grinned.

Natalie smiled, biting her lower lip in a way that John found terribly seductive. The way her eyes seemed to darken to a strange mix of gold and green that weren’t too unlike his own at the moment. The way she was so unassuming and how naturally sexy she just was. Everything about the girl at the moment was making it hard to focus. She didn’t seem to even notice that he was having a hard time, as she picked at her plate.

He was now hoping that she didn’t have a hankering for dessert. He wasn’t sure he could sit at this restaurant much longer before he had to have her right there on the table. He knew Natalie wasn’t a virgin, even if she’d never mentioned it before. There was something about the way she held herself that told him that. In fact, with a body like that, he wouldn’t be surprised if she had screamed a lot of boys’ names in the past.

He wondered what she looked like in orgasm. Sweaty, breathing heavily, eyes shut, hair pressed to her face. He could only imagine just how sexy she would look like that. He would give her the best fuck of her life.

“Alright.” She giggled. “I think we’re finished here anyways.”

“See how I take care of you?” He asked with a smile as he motioned to the waiter to come to their table.

She smiled, letting go of his hand.

Natalie’s thoughts were swimming around her head and she couldn’t piece them all together. There was so much there, and she didn’t know where to start. Things were a lot hazier than they’d been before. All she knew was that something didn’t feel right and all of the thoughts she’d been having about Garrett weren’t surfacing. Right now, John was the only one on her mind and he was the one she wanted.

She’d always thought he was attractive, but now she was seeing something more. The way his shaggy hair was falling in his eyes, and the way his green irises seemed to bleed in color. The way he looked at her like he needed her, even if it was a sexual need. And the way his lips curved in a small, unassuming smile. She was starting to wonder if she’d been too crazy about Garrett to realize that her feelings for John were not as weak as she thought.

God, she was fucked.

“John,” Natalie gasped out as his lips lay claim to her neck.

He chuckled, nuzzling into her skin, loving the way his name sounded on her lips. He wondered if he should leave a mark on her skin. That would show Garrett that Natalie was his to claim. Plus it’d be kind of sexy to have a mark on her pale flesh. But as soon as he was about to mark his territory, Natalie moved his head from her neck.

“What is it, baby?” He asked quietly, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

She was visibly flushed, he noted. She looked embarrassed and aroused all at the same time. But the way that she held his gaze made him question if he had been wrong about her status as a non-virgin. Here they were in her bedroom, and she was stopping it before anything happened. She gave him the most heartbreaking look he’d ever seen as she pulled away from him.

“Natalie, if it’s your first time, I-“

“I’m not a virgin… I’ve just never…” The redhead bit her lip. “I, um… I’ve never had sex with someone I felt anything for.”

“So you feel something for me?” He teased.

“I can feel that you feel something for me.” She teased, her fingers trailing over the obvious bulge in his jeans.

“Fuck, Tali, tell me what you want.” He let out a sharp gasp as her fingers trailed over his package.

When she didn’t make a move, John took control, straddling her smaller body, careful not to put too much weight on her. He kissed her in a way that made her breathless. Still, no matter how much she liked kissing John, she wasn’t sure she was ready to let it lead to more. She cared about him, but that didn’t mean she was going to give her first sober, aware, experience away so easily.

Natalie didn’t know if she could do this. Sure, John was cute, and he was sweet, but Garrett’s words were whirling around in her head. John was a boy, of course he was thinking about sex. Of course his intentions with her weren’t honorable. But was she willing to be his plaything? She couldn’t answer that yet and it saddened her that she didn’t have an answer. Perhaps that was the answer in itself.

“You want me so bad, don’t you?” She purred, her lips close to his ear, her hot breath against him.

He inhaled sharply as her lips pressed against the sensitive spot of his collarbone.

John made it far too obvious what he wanted from her. He was just like any other guy, and he probably didn’t care about anything but getting a fuck out of it. She’d enjoyed their date, but did it have to leave to this? Sure, she was a tease, but she wasn’t sure she could do this. It’d been far too long since she’d been in the same situation. She’d never done this sober. She didn’t know if she could do this at all.

“You want to fuck me senseless.” She teased, her hands running through his hair now.

John groaned above her, reaching to cup her breast. “You have no idea.”

She giggled, slapping his hand away. “John O’Callaghan, what type of girl do you think I am?!”

“I bet you’re really slutty.” He groaned. “You want me too, Natalie. I know it.”

He was right. She’d been a bit of a slut the past couple of months. Of course, it hadn’t been something she was proud of. It hadn’t been something she did because she wanted to. She’d been such in desperation to find some sort of love in the world. It’d come to the point that she wasn’t sure it existed. But John didn’t know any of that; he just knew that she wasn’t a virgin. She couldn’t admit the details to him for some reason.

The redhead stared up at his lust clouded eyes before he leaned back in and kissed her.

Why couldn’t she focus on the boy above her? Why were his hazel eyes not the ones she was thinking of? And even when clothes were coming off, Natalie wasn’t able to focus on the boy she was with. She wasn’t even purposely trying to think her way out of the situation. She’d become quite good at separating her body and her mind, but now wasn’t the time. If she were going to do this, she needed to focus on him. He was hot, and he wanted her. She’d made it sound as if she had intended this… did she?

They were in their underwear, fingers touching everywhere they could. John was leaving hot kisses all over her skin and yet she couldn’t decide if this was worth it. She had known what she was getting into when she invited him back to the apartment, didn’t she? She’d expected this. She’d worn especially cute undergarments for the event.

But Natalie wasn’t the same person she’d been mere months before. She didn’t know if she could do put aside the progress she’d made. She didn’t even know if John was worthy of this experience. She couldn’t even decide if she could trust him to be there the next morning. All she knew was that she had put herself in this situation knowingly and if she was going to stop it, that’d have to be soon.

“You don’t want this, do you?” John spoke, rolling off of her.

“I haven’t… done this in a while.” She blushed.

“How long’s a while?”

Natalie didn’t answer, just inhaled deeply, closing her eyes.

He didn’t push her or press for information, just sat there, waiting for some sort of indication of her intentions.

She crawled back into his arms before he could reach for his clothes. She kissed him in a desperate fashion that made him wonder what was going on with her. It was as if she was on autopilot, and her mind wasn't there at all. Sure, he wanted to sleep with her, but not if she wasn't all in. He wasn't that much of a dick.

"Natalie, stop." He told her quietly. "Fuck. What's wrong?"

She let her gaze fall to the bedsheet.

"Its about Gary, isn't it? God, he has you already, doesn't he?"

Natalie didn't answer and John chuckled darkly. "I knew it."

"You know nothing about Garrett and my-" She paused. "I'm sitting here in my underwear with YOU not with Garrett. If you want to fuck me so bad, just do it. I won't stop you."

He shot her a look, not knowing what she meant or how to answer. And then Natalie realized that she'd judged him wrong. John wasn't only interested in sex, if he was, he wouldn't have stopped. She had been so ready to lay on the bed and let him have his way with her, but he wasn't doing it.

"This wasn't a good idea." John spoke, reaching for his clothes. "You must be feeling sick or something. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

He dressed quickly and was out the door before Natalie could react or answer him. She wrapped her arms around herself, embarrassed and ashamed. She didn't know what she was going to do or what she had done. She was so confused and so angry that she was lost within herself.

The tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes were starting to fall, even as she hurriedly tried to wipe them away. She moved her gaze to her nightstand, finding a piece of paper that had seemingly been torn out of a notebook. She unfolded it gently, and smoothed out the crease before her eyes fell on the page.

In Garrett's messy scrawl were six words that made her heart drop.

I’m drowning and you’re the anchor.