You're Living a Lie, You Just Can't Hide From Me

“Nat, are you sure?” Garrett asked softly as she curled into his side.

“I need to do this, Gary. Not just for us, I need to do it to figure out what happened. This is for me.”

He smiled a bit, interlacing their hands as the two sat in the waiting room for the psychiatrist. They’d searched high and low to find someone credible who might be able to understand Natalie’s ups and downs. Karen Miller seemed to be the best fit, and Natalie felt a bit more confident talking to a woman. She had wondered to herself if she wanted company; if she wanted Garrett in the room. She’d be exposing everything, the things that she hadn’t even told him. But, she felt that if they were to be as in love as she hoped they were, she needed to be completely honest. He needed to know about her past no matter how painful it may be.

The bass player stroked her hair with his free hand, before lovingly stroking her cheek. “It’ll be okay.”

“Just… nervous.” The girl spoke quietly.

“Why? She won’t be judging you.”

“I’m nervous about you… what you’re going to hear.”

“Oh.” He spoke, letting out a sigh.

Natalie knew that she had made a lot of mistakes and she knew that Garrett realized, but he didn’t know the details. He didn’t know about the self-loathing or the self destructive behavior Natalie had once done to herself. He thought she was beautiful, he thought she was amazing, but she didn’t feel either. In fact, there were times when she didn’t want to feel anything. She knew that the words would him, that perhaps he’d see her differently out of the shadows. The redhead owed it to him, and to herself to confess, but she didn’t know if she could.

Garrett loved her so much, and even if he was in the dark, he respected that she didn’t talk about it. But she didn’t know how to keep it inside any longer. No one knew anything about what she’d done, and she was feeling tired. She felt like a failure, like she was dirty, and that she was some sort of scum of the Earth.

No matter how much she loved him, and how much she wanted to protect him, she needed to do this. If he really loved her, he would be able to accept what she had done. The girl she’d been was not who she was now. She wasn’t happy about the things she’d done, but they all were a part of who she became. It wasn’t that he’d never screwed up, but she couldn’t imagine Garrett ever facing the type of issues she had. And, to be honest, she knew that if he ever had, she wouldn’t have felt any different about him. This wasn’t just a crush or a fling, and they both realized it.

"Don't hate me after all of this."

"I could never hate you." Garrett spoke, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.

It was then that a door opened and a tall brunette with glasses in a shirtdress appeared. She looked to be in her mid-to-late twenties with dark hair placed into a ballerina style bun and a smile on her face. She looked kind enough and Natalie suddenly felt a bit more comfortable. The woman introduced herself as Karen, and smiled at the young couple.

"So you must be Garrett then?" She asked quietly.

The boy nodded.

"Welcome." The older woman spoke before leading the two into a room that reminded Natalie of the study at her parents' house. There was a large wooden bookshelf that seemed to be completely filled. The couches, as well as everything else in the room was in earth tones with small pops of color. She thought it was very elegant, and decided she wouldn't mind spending some time here. The couch felt comfortable and Garrett automatically held her close.

Natalie exhaled, sitting up straighter, and placing her hands on her knees while Garrett's arm remained around her. She bit her lip and played with her hair as Karen sat down. The older woman smiled softly, opening a notebook and getting comfortable in her seat opposite the two teenagers.

"So I assume you've never spoken to a counselor before?"

"No."

"Its okay to be nervous." Karen assured her. "But I am here to help. I am not going to judge you or make assumptions, I am going to listen, and help you in whatever way I can."

"Okay."

She nodded. "Natalie, why don't you tell me why you're here today?"

The redhead let out a deep sigh, looking down at the ground. "I... I don't really know how to put it simply, but I feel like a broken china doll. I feel like I've been shattered and that I'm dirty, that the things I've done are still haunting me, and even though it doesn't seem like it, I am falling apart."

Garrett reached forward to interlace their hands before giving her a comforting squeeze.

------

"When did this start?"

"When I was a kid. I don't remember how old, but my dad basically raised me to do 'boy things,' it was like he was in denial that I was a girl. My mom would tell him to stop, and she'd take me to do 'girl things...' They fought about me a lot... from a young age, I remember hearing screaming and yelling. Dad had wanted a boy, and it was apparently my mother's fault that I wasn't born one. He said it was her shit luck that ruined everything. He told her that he wasn't going to raise a girl because she'd just turn into a slut like her mother... And its funny, because I thought my parents were in love. I thought they had both wanted me, and were happy with me. It just seemed that I was a failure to my father. I tried desperately to seek his attention. I did things he wanted me to do, I ran errands, did extra chores, I behaved... But nothing seemed to work."

"That must have really hurt."

"At first, but eventually, it just... was. I began to understand that my father resented me and was angry. He had wanted a son, and it wasn't acceptable to him. Maybe it was because he was the only boy in his family, I don't know. It was routine that I would do whatever I thought I could do to please my father and it wouldn't do a thing. My mother supported me and she was there for me, but she didn't know what to do. My father didn't attend any of the things that mattered to me... recitals, or performances... He wasn't there to kiss my scrapes when I fell down... In fact, if he was there, he'd be cursing to himself about how I should 'take it like a man,' or something."

Garrett didn't say anything, but he didn't realize the extent of Mr. Evers' disappointment in Natalie. He remembered hearing her say that he would be mad if she didn't finish her homework on time or came home after curfew. But he had no idea that he had caused her to hate herself, to blame herself for her father not loving her. It was disgusting, and he felt guilty for some reason. He should have realized that Natalie's problems were probably things that started with her father.

"Mom said maybe they could try again for a boy, but I think he was too disgusted. She told me they never fought until I was born, and while I know she didn't mean to blame me, it sounded like she was. So I started wishing, for her benefit, that I'd never been born. I didn't realize how dark those thoughts were... and the things that I was allowing myself to feel were... graver than anything I've ever known since. I thought that maybe if I were gone, they would be happy once again. I think I was twelve when this realization happened, maybe eleven. I never cut myself, because I didn't want visual evidence... I decided that maybe I could just starve myself... Maybe if I was thinner, Dad would love me. Maybe I could look more like a model and he'd change his mind. And if not, maybe I'd die.... then he'd be happy." Natalie frowned, looking over at Garrett, whose blue eyes were glossy as if he was ready to cry.

He was hearing all of this for the first time and he didn't know how much he could handle. Sure, he knew that Natalie had issues with herself and with her father, but he had never ever assumed that they were this... extreme. He couldn't imagine the girl he knew now being anorexic or suicidal at all. He couldn't even think that she didn't shine the way she did now. He hated to see her cry, so even imagining it upset him. He was angry at her father, he was mad that her mother didn't stop anything that was happening. But mostly, he was upset that he couldn't have helped her.

"So you became anorexic." Karen scribbled into her notebook.

"Y-yeah." Natalie stumbled, starting to give into the emotions that were flooding her body. She didn't want to cry, she didn't want to show weakness. "I was really sick... I would just look at myself, and if I couldn't see my ribs, I was too fat. It got to the point where I had to shop in the kids section... I was small already, but when I was... a-anorexic, I was..." She drifted off.

"Did your father notice anything? Did he say anything to you?"

"He told me once that boys wouldn't want me... He told me that there were so many prettier girls out there... That if I'd been a boy, I would have actually been worth something. It was things like that which drove me to it... As I was... uh, decomposing, he told me that even being thin as a rail, I still didn't have much value. He made me feel like there was no way out except to die. I wanted to die so badly just to see if he even bothered to attend the funeral. i wanted to know if he'd feel badly at all. I knew that I was going to if I kept doing it, and I didn't care enough to stop. My mom and my teachers were trying to help me, but I didn't want help. It wasn't until I totally collapsed that anyone did anything." She sighed."I was so close... i thought I had died. But I woke up in the hospital and my Mom was there, alone. She told me that I had scared her, that she would be inconsolable if I died. My Mom had always kind of been my savior... She wouldn't leave Dad, but she seemed to find ways to cheer me up. I was sick for a long time, and getting better also took time, but once I was at my normal weight, Mom was pampering me. She took me out clothes shopping, or to get my hair done. She wanted to prove to me that I was worthy and beautiful no matter what my father said. She told me that he was just jealous that I was young. She said that he resented being older, and that he was more angry at himself than her or me."

By this time, Natalie had given up on trying to hold her emotions back. She was sobbing, she was shaking, and she felt horrible. But she also felt free, like she was finally getting so closure. Even though it hurt, she knew this was what she needed to do and Garrett was making it possible. She was sure that she wasn't strong enough to do this alone. Just by holding her hand, he was being helpful. He was the only one who could handle hearing this.

He wiped her tears away with his thumb, wrapping both arms around her and holding her close. He kissed the top of her head and apologized even though he didn't need to. He wasn't just apologizing because he was sorry this happened. He was sorry that she'd ever felt this way. He was sorry for her father, and for her mother. He was disgusted that a man could hate something he helped create. He could never imagine even disliking something that was his own blood and flesh.

Karen looked up from her writing. "Natalie, I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this."

"Me too."

"I know this is hard, but its good to finally open up and let it out. Its okay to cry and to feel bad. Okay?"

She nodded silently.

"But our time is up, even though I wish it wasn't. I know there's probably a lot more to this story." The older woman spoke, pulling out her appointment book. "I don't usually do this, but I'd like to meet with you again this week... and Garrett, if you'd like to come along, you're certainly invited."

"My band is recording, but I will be here no matter what. Even if I have to take time off from the studio. The guys will understand." He looked over at his girlfriend. "Baby, that's okay, right?"

"I'm gonna need you here... The guys can be mad at me for it."

"They'll be fine. I only play bass anyway. They don't really need me. You need me so much more."

She smiled. "So, what day is good for you?"

Natalie ran a hand through her hair. "Do you have any openings on Thursday?"

"I've got one at 3pm, 4pm, and 6pm... Garrett, how long does a day of recording take?"

"We go in at 9am or 10 usually, and play straight for two or three hours, and then break... Then another couple hours, but I don't think I'm recording any of my parts on Thursday. I can come with Natalie whenever is good for her."

"Gary," The redhead smiled softly. "You're too good for me. I think we should take the last one so you can spend all day at the studio..."

"Or we could do morning?" Karen offered.

"No, Gare will be too worked up over whatever I reveal here. He won't be able to focus on anything."

He chuckled. She was totally right.

"So 6pm?"

"6pm."