You're Living a Lie, You Just Can't Hide From Me

"Thank you for all of this, Gary." Natalie spoke, cuddling into her boyfriend's side. "I swear I couldn't do this without you."

"You really underestimate how strong you are." He kissed the top of her head. He hated seeing her so broken, but he knew she was dreading going to the therapist. It wasn't because she didn't like her or she thought it was a bad idea. Natalie was afraid of Garrett learning things about her that could make him want her less. The truth was, however, that nothing would make that possible. She had a problem believing it, so he wondered just what she was hiding from him.

"I don't know about that..." The redhead sighed, shaking her head.

She'd been even hornier than usual these past few days, but it was because she needed him. It was more than the act, she needed to feel his love. Garrett didn't know what could possibly make her feel so vulnerable, but he couldn't complain about the attention. He knew that it was because she needed to know that he was there; that he would take care of her. No man had done that for her and she needed the constant reminder.

"Nat, I'm not going anywhere... Nothing you say will make me run." He looked her in the eyes, his tone sincere. It made her smile a little bit, knowing that he meant what he was saying. But he might not when he knows the rest of the details.

"I know... Its just, I don't think you understand the severity of what I've done..."

"All I need to know is that no man has ever taken care of you and now I'm going to. No matter what you've done... sex, drugs, whatever, I've loved you too long to stop now." He stroked her cheek, making the girl smile softly. Garrett felt a sense of pride in being able to cheer the redhead up. She made him more nervous than anyone, but also, at the same time, she made him want to protect her in a way beyond what he'd ever known.

"You've been worried about me all day. I'm sure the guys got tired of it and let you leave the studio early." She smiled, watching him chuckle and nod. He had been so sensitive to the things going on with her; it was like he was totally in tune with her. His blue eyes could never lie to her and she was even more aware of the tells that he was lying or nervous. Like now, he was holding her closer than usual. Garrett always did that as if he were telling her that he wouldn't let her fall apart... that he wouldn't let her break. She got extra affectionate in the same way, and with how much sex they'd been having, he probably knew it was the nerves acting up. They physically needed each other in ways that only romance novels spoke of.

"Natalie, how could I not be worried about you? I love you and I want to take care of you."

She smiled softly, kissing him. "I know you don't like when I say it, but you're too good for me, Gare."

"Do we have time so that I can prove how untrue that statement is before we go to your session?"

The redhead smiled, shaking her head. Garrett thought she meant there wasn't time, but she really meant that she couldn't believe he even had to ask. They had been all over each other lately, seemingly not caring who was around or where they were. She slid off her robe and stood there, already naked before him. She didn't want to waste any time when it came to Garrett. They had wasted too long before they were together and she refused to do it now. She blushed as his eyes trailed over her. Even though he'd seen her naked body countless times, he still acted like she was revealing a work of art. He gave her a look like it was the first time he was seeing her all over again. It made her feel beautiful when he gave her that look, as if she belonged in a gallery somewhere. He didn't even move from his place as he watched her, his breathing quickening as she trailed her fingers down her body.

"Nat," Garrett groaned as she straddled his lap. "I- I can't even..."

She didn't say anything, just grabbed the hem of his shirt and took it off of him, throwing it wherever. She gave him that one look that made him weak in the knees, the look of complete love trust, with a slight glint of lust. He never could understand how expressive Natalie's face was when she wasn't even trying. She smiled, kissing him softly before lying him on the bed. He stopped her hands from unbuckling his belt and kissed her gently, shifting so that she was lying on the bed. He took in her body; her cute petite stature, the tattoo, the way she was breathing pretty heavily. Her eyes were heavy lidded and she beckoned him forward.

"You told me that you wanted us to make love, right?"

She nodded slowly.

"I-I love you, and, uh, I-I want to make love to you.... I mean, w-we've been doing that, but I want this to be.... romantic." He blushed, scratching the back of his neck. He was embarrassed and nervous even though it was only Natalie. Garrett couldn't remember ever feeling this undone over a girl. Even Rachael never made him quite as much of a mess as Natalie did. Thinking about it now, he wasn't sure he could classify sex with Rachael as making love. With Natalie, everything was. Even if they were screwing each other's brains out, pounding bodies, it was the passion between them. He never thought they were just going through the motions or it was just sex when it came to her. But he wanted to make sure she realized that.

"I love you." She replied as he took place on top of her, careful to put too much weight on her. He smiled, stroking her cheek before attaching their lips. She smiled into the kiss, letting her fingers run through his hair. Garrett was the only one who could make her this way and they both knew that. He moved slowly, kissing all over her face, and her neck. "Gary?" She asked, causing the boy to look up at her with hesitant blue eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"Why are you still dressed?" The girl smiled, moving to unbuckle his belt.

Garrett chuckled as the redhead was anxiously undressing him. She was getting so frustrated that she couldn't figure out how to undo his belt. "Impatient?"

"If you aren't naked and inside me in five seconds, I'm going to rape you."

"Can't rape the willing."

He had never seen her so on edge and turned on. But soon, he was naked as well, lying beside her on the bed. He stroked her cheek and told her how beautiful she was. He ran his hands all over how petite form, kissing and nibbling at her chest. She giggled, bringing his lips to hers once again, and positioning herself above him. He gently guided her down and she let out a little gasp at the fit. He smiled, watching the way her eyes glazed over and her breath quickened. He pressed his lips to hers as he began to move slowly in and out of her. Sure, he wanted to ravish her, but right now, they were making love. He loved watching Natalie's expressions of pleasure, hearing the little news and gasps she made. Even in the most erotic situation, there was something oddly adorable about her.

"Gary," She gasped, as his lips made contact with the sensitive spot on her neck. He was driving her crazy and he knew just how he was affecting her. "I love you."

He smiled, stroking her cheek, watching the lust in her eyes. "I love you too, Natalie. I always will." Garrett could see that she was close; that her orgasm was about to wash over her. He kissed her deeply, thrusting towards the spot inside her that made her lose control. His lips went to her neck and he quickly found her soft spot. She moaned his name very lowly. His lips traveled up her neck down her jawline and went to her lips. He needed to taste them. He loved the way she looked, eyes glazed over, lips swollen, sweaty, but still the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. To Garrett, Natalie was a living work of art, that songs could never do justice. He loved the constant sighs that passed her lips and the way his name sounded. He moved some hair from her sweaty forehead, kissing her once again, before working his way to her sensitive collarbone.

Natalie let his name fall out of her lips as she let go. If anyone could tend her wounds, it would be him. Garrett was the only one who could ever could make her feel this way. So fulfilled, and complete. He healed her, put all of the broken pieces together so that she was practically good as new. He found the spot inside her that made her moan his name over and over again, louder than before, and positioned himself to keep hitting it. Her orgasm came as a shock, her whole body tensing and releasing just for him. This was the first time anyone cared about her pleasure, and Garrett wouldn't let her forget that. The girl loved how thoughtful he was to her, and how it seemed like he knew her body better than she did.

Her body had never been so overpowered by a boy. Her toes curled and she couldn't hold back her screams of his name. She'd never been a screamer before now, and the way he filled her made her whole body shake with a force that may cause her to forget her own name. He wanted her to know that no one could make her feel this way, she knew it though. She knew no one could ever work her body like he did. Her orgasm triggered his. He groaned and panted, moaning her name very fast. He gasped quietly as his orgasm came. He went faster and came inside her. After the feeling of pure ecstasy wore off he rode out his orgasm and collapsed beside her.

"It gets better every time." She giggled, cuddling against him.

--------------------

"So, you ready for this?" Garrett asked quietly, giving Natalie's hand a squeeze.

"I think I'm more concerned if you're ready."

He looked at her pensively. "The way I see it is that no matter what those guys did to you, none of them could make you moan like me... None of them loved you or ever could like I do. So why should I be jealous of some asshole who took advantage of my girl?" He smiled softly, hoping his words helped even if she didn't seem to react.

The words he'd just said were meant to be comforting, and, for the most part, they were, but Natalie was still a bit apprehensive. On one hand, she needed Garrett, and needed his support so that she could get over this. But, she was also worried it would taint his image of her. He always said it wouldn't or that she was worried for nothing, but she was sure that there were some things he wouldn't even be able to comprehend. Besides, she hated still feeling like the victim.

Garrett kissed her softly, wrapping an arm tighter around her waist before the door opened and Karen appeared. The older woman smiled at the couple, greeting them before inviting them into her office. Natalie took a deep breath as she settled on the couch next to her boyfriend. He put a hand on her knee, unsure what exactly she wanted from him. She placed her hand on top of his but didn't move closer. She wanted to be very careful about how she told her story and try not to scare Garrett. He claimed he could handle it, but Natalie wasn't totally sure.

"So how are you today, Natalie?"

"I... I'm okay. Gary's been wonderful, but when he's not there when I fall asleep, I've had a couple nightmares. But they're worse, its the memories... but the stuff is beyond what I can recall...:" The redhead ran a hand through her hair. "I c-can see him..."

"Your father?"

"No." She sighed, glancing over at Garrett. "The boy who stole my virginity and turned me into... this."

Karen began writing in her notebook before looking back up at the younger girl and asking her to go on. Natalie was quiet as she tried to pick her words carefully. She could already tell that Garrett was getting nervous as he did when he wasn't sure what to do with himself. He wanted to protect her and take care of her, but she wasn't asking him to. It was more that because he had no idea what he'd be able to do anyway. She'd only made mention of the nightmares to him once, but he hadn't realized they were so frequent.

"I was born in Dallas, and my father got a major promotion in Tempe, but he turned it down and we went to Atlanta for a bit before he took it, so I wasn't really used to life in Arizona. I moved to Tempe right before eighth grade, my dad was working a lot so I didn't have to see him. It was probably the best thing for me not to really have contact with him. My mom was so apologetic for the way he'd treated me, and made it her mission to... make me feel worthy, I suppose. I had such self-loathing qualities that she wanted me to feel good about myself. I didn't, and I don't, think I'm the most beautiful girl, but she made me feel that way, and the boys looking at me made me feel so a well. some sort of adoration, and I know that I was seeking male acceptance, so I take part of the responsibility." She bit her lower lip. "I think I was searching desperately for someone to love me because it didn't seem like my father did. I mean, I went out on a couple dates and I kissed a few boys, but there was never that.... spark I always wanted. It wasn't enough for me, and I was annoyed with it. But the first day of freshman year, I saw the boy beside me, and I was enamored. But I was too shy to approach him, and I had no idea he knew who I was. We had English together, and I kind of made myself invisible. I mean, I felt that Garrett was way out of my league and that there was no point in even trying... I tried coming out of my shell, and my best friend, Alyssa, tried, but I was pretty set in my ways."

Garrett squeezed her hand. "You know, the first day I saw you, I thought you were beautiful, but it wasn't just that... As soon as I saw those incredible eyes of yours, I knew there was more to you than a pretty face. But I didn't have the nerve to even... I was too awkward, too weird for you, so I didn't even let myself try." He sighed. "I always noticed you, Nat. I was trying to get up the confidence, but before I could-"

"Rachael snatched you up." Natalie finished with a small nod.

"So you two had crushes on each other but were too afraid to make a move?" Karen almost laughed, even though it was oddly adorable. It seemed like something straight out of a sitcom or something. Especially when it was so obvious that this couple was in love.

"Neither of us knew that the other realized we existed." Garrett spoke quietly. "If I'd known that Natalie thought about me at all during that time, things would be very different."

"It didn't really matter anyway, because one of the girls in my Math class, Rachael Roberts, had her eye on him, and the confidence to make a move. It wasn't that I didn't like her... I just wanted to BE her."

"I just wanted to stop thinking about Natalie so much, and here was this girl who wanted me... I liked Rachael, and I think a part of me loved her, but it wasn't the kind of love that I wanted." He stroked her cheek. "She could never be you."

"They were together for our entire duration of high school, and it killed me. Every guy I went out with wasn't good enough because they weren't Garrett. I wasn't pretty enough because he hadn't given me a second glance... And my mom as well as Alyssa tried to convince me otherwise.... My mom knew that I could relapse into anorexia again, so she was really careful. I mean, she complimented me everyday, bought me really nice clothes... I learned to pretend that I didn't feel that emptyness."

The counselor smiled reassuringly, glancing over at Garrett who seemed to have fear in his eyes. Karen had seen many patients; rape victims, couples, teenagers, but there was something about Natalie that was different. Maybe it was the way that even though Karen had predictions about what the girl had gone through, she seemed really brave and her boyfriend was so supportive. Many of the men she'd spoken to couldn't handle it... They took blame for whatever happened or didn't even want to know, but Garrett sat there, squeezing her hand at the right moments, rubbing her back. It was clear to Karen that he didn't know the whole story either, and was just as anxious to find out.

"It sounds so petty now, but I would hide in the library during lunch so I didn't have to see them holding hands or her on his lap. I would rather read about romance than attempt to have one with a boy that wasn't Garrett. But pining over him for as long as I had finally took its toll on me, and I basically figured that if he and Rachael hadn't had any problems, they wouldn't. I tried to refocus my attention, hoping that because I was more mature than I'd been when I was younger, that I could earn my father's love. I guess even though I knew I wouldn't be able to change my father's mind, I wanted to give it one last shot... I started working at his office, hoping maybe it'd give us something to talk about..."

"So how did that go?"

"Well, at first it was really good. I'm an avid book reader, and Dad works at a publishing house, so it was perfect for me. But, as the boss's daughter, I was treated differently by the other employees. I think they expected me to not take the job seriously because of who my father was, but I worked hard. I mean, yes, I read a lot of the books, but I was focused." She sighed. "I would bring in drafts of books to my Dad and tell him that we need to publish this one, or I would offer corrections and he would only nod and motion for me to place it on his desk. There was no 'good job, honey' or any shop talk from him. I don't know if he was angry at himself or at me though." The redhead ran a hand through her hair. "I worked there for months, and then he got a new college intern. A Literature major from ASU named Andrew. He was really sweet, he'd talk to me, invite me to lunch, bring me coffee. I didn't ask for the treatment, but I thought it was because he liked me. I didn't really take much consideration that he thought perhaps I'd gloat about him to my father."

"And this... Andrew. Were you two an item?"

"I refused his advances for a long time because he wasn't Garrett." She sighed. "But eventually, I figured that I couldn't have Garrett, so I had to find someone else, and I started going out with him. We weren't together, but we were spending time together whenever we had breaks or free time. We went out to lunch everyday, because I came straight from school. I think I was falling for him, and disregarded the idea that maybe he was doing this because I was the daughter of his boss."

The older boy kissed her cheek softly, but was silent. He knew that Natalie was getting close to breaking down. She was ashamed of what Andrew had turned her into and that she had so willingly gone along with it. He knew that this was really the start of her downfall. She was about to share all the details she hadn't had the guts to. He could see the way she stiffened as she chose her next words.

"It all changed when he invited me to go to a party at ASU with him basically saying that if I were looking into the school, I should know what their parties were like." Natalie sighed. "Its all kind of fuzzy, to be honest. I was drinking, dancing, having a great time one minute, and then I woke up naked in one of the bedrooms, and there was a note with a twenty dollar bill that said 'find your own way home.'"

"So you think he put something in your drink? A date rape drug, possibly."

She nodded slowly. "I was so ashamed. I didn't even think that he'd use me to get ahead, to piss off my father, maybe. I thought he actually had feelings for me, and even when I saw him a couple days later, he acted like nothing happened. I never expected to lose my virginity at a college party and have no idea what happened. I always dreamed about losing it to the one boy who plagued my mind, but he had Rachael.... But because now i was tainted, I wasn't pure enough or worthy of love. My father didn't love me, Andrew had used me for sex.... I needed to find someone to make me feel as if I was even for just one night. Boys wanted to sleep with me, so I let them." The girl looked down at her hands. "I needed that feeling, but I knew that they were just using me, so I would just get so shitfaced that I would let them do whatever they wanted... just so I could feel wanted. It was the male attention more than the actual sex, but my body was used in unspeakable ways. I was double penetrated, I was gangbanged... The truth is that I don't remember any of it, but I know what happened because I would wake up covered in all of this dried sperm. It was sick, and everyone knew that I was no longer the bookworm, but the slut."

"Why did you not care? Couldn't you have met a nice boy and gotten over Garrett?"

"It all sounds so stupid now, especially because Garrett and I are together now, but I was heartbroken. It was the worst feeling in the world and nothing or no one else would do. I didn't want to even try to fall for someone else. I didn't want to make myself any more vulnerable, and I was too afraid to get hurt again, so I removed my mind from my body. I don't know exactly, but sometime during that.... period, I tried cocaine for the first time."

The boy beside her was silent, looking up at her with soft blue eyes, coaxing her to continue. It hurt him so much to even think of all the pain he had unintentionally caused her. He felt sick thinking that he could have saved her from all of this, but it was too late to be upset. She seemed to know what that look in his eyes meant because she smiled sadly, and squeezed his hand, mumbling a "you didn't know then."

Karen's eyes widened. She thought she had already heard Natalie's story, but the young redhead continued to surprise her. It was horrifying, but oddly incredible to think how much that girl who was barely eighteen had been through. The counselor could see that it hurt Garrett to hear these things, but he made no move of leaving her side. She'd seen so many boyfriends who couldn't handle the things that were said in the session, or denied all of it, but he kept silent. He looked as if whoever had hurt Natalie had hurt him as well. It was almost sweet but given the situation, she didn't think that was the proper adjective.

"I didn't become addicted to cocaine... It just made me feel better. The high made me feel as if everything was okay. I needed to stop feeling, because the hurt that I felt when I wasn't on something hurt too much. There was no one I could speak to, and now I wonder if I should have gotten some therapy, but it hadn't been an idea. My mother assumed that it was just a normal teenage thing, my father acted like he was ashamed of me, and my best friend was already in Los Angeles attending school. I was all alone and I hated myself. I wasn't suicidal, but there were so many times that I wanted to die... to see if anyone cared. I don't think I realized how I was playing Russian Roulette with the coke because it was something I only would partake in if I felt like I needed it. But one night at a party, I had a bad reaction... mixing the drugs in my system with alcohol and I guess I blacked out. I woke up and there were... four men all over me and one with a video camera. I couldn't move or speak up, but they took turns on me... over and over again.... I don't know who they were or what they did with the tape, but when I finally came to my senses, my body hurt so badly that I couldn't move. That was the moment that I really, really wanted to die. I prayed that I could so that I wouldn't have to feel this emptiness inside me."

Garrett wasn't sure what parties Natalie had gone to, because he'd gone to a lot, but had never seen anyone doing coke. To be honest, even if he had, he was too busy with Rachael. For all he knew, they might have been at the same parties. Perhaps he could have saved her from getting gangraped. He'd never wanted to be a hero more than at that moment. He was disgusted that men would do that to little Natalie. She was a meek, gorgeous girl and she'd let herself become someone's sex toy. She was smarter than that, and better than it, but she hadn't been able to see it. He hoped that she was close to the end of the story because he wasn't sure he could hear anymore.

Karen sighed. "Oh Natalie, sweetie. I'm so sorry."

"Me too." She murmured. "But, on the other hand, all of the stuff I went through led me to L.A. and to Garrett. Its messed up, but I think it happened for a reason. I was hanging out with the wrong crowd just to get drunk or high and get used, and I had gotten the reputation of a coke whore... I was just sick of it. I graduated earlier that year, so all I was doing was partying anyway. My dad didn't want to pay for college, so I was taking community college courses... But it got to the point where I finally woke up and asked myself what I was doing. My parents had no idea what was wrong with me, but Alyssa called me concerned, and the next thing I knew, I was driving to L.A."

"Have you spoken to your parents or been home since?"

"No." Natalie sighed. "I call my mom every month just to check in, but its not that big a deal. I have a whole new life out here, and I don't think I could face going back to Tempe."

"Then what will you do when Garrett and his band go back?"

She turned to her boyfriend with a sad smile. "Gary, I-"

"Nat, you have to go back. I promise, I will beat the shit out of anyone that even looks at you the wrong way. I love you and I don't want to lose you."

"Then don't do this. You relapsed the last time you tried to push me away from you. You know that I can't stay here."

"I know." She whispered, leaning into his side, before turning to Karen. "I led Garrett on when the boys came to record, and I also led his bandmate on because I wanted to feel wanted, and if he didn't care about me, I was going to find someone who did... John put up a strong fight, but Garrett won me over... And then he mentioned me coming back to Tempe and I freaked out. I started auditing some classes at Otis to distance myself, and cocaine came back into my life for a little while... But I ended up in the hospital, and I swore I'd never ever do that again. God, my life feels like such a soap opera."

The older woman sighed. "You're a lot stronger than you think, Natalie. You've definitely had a lot of things against you, but this problem with your father... Its his issue, its not yours, and if he cannot see how wonderful you are, he doesn't deserve to know. Don't keep beating yourself over it because it is not your fault." She looked back at her notes. "As far as the, um... degradation you subjected yourself to, you did get tested, right?"

She nodded slowly. "Pure luck that I'm clean."

"Honey, you've been through a lot of trauma, but you're better than all of this. You have a great boyfriend, and you're happy now, aren't you?"

"I really am."

"Even if you do go back to Tempe, you know who you are now, Garrett and all of your friends know it too. Maybe its not such a bad idea to face the things you left behind." The older woman smiled softly. "That's the end of our session, but please consider it."

Natalie sighed. "I really will."