I Will Follow You Into The Dark
•1
I stood alone.
A soft smog-filled breeze ran across my skin and through my hair.
The glow of the city lights was visible in the distance as the sun set for the last time.
At least in my life.
One step.
One step is all it would take.
Then everything would be okay again.
I would no longer be in anyone's way. I would no longer have to deal with the pain and suffering that comes a long with being the outcast no one cared about.
I wouldn't have to deal with the pain and the humiliation of a lost love.
The words "I don't love you, I never did. It was nothing more then a lie. A mistake." Ran through my head.
That's what pushed me over the edge. The love of my life, the only one I was living for, decided to write me off like the mistake I am.
Many people don't mean it when the words "You're my life" escape their lips.
I did.
If my life is gone, I can't live.
Which brings me here, on the edge of this cliff.
How cliche.
But since when are cliche's important?
At this point I could care less.
I took a deep breath and shifted my weight forward.
But before I could take that first step, a force pulled me back, and sent me flying backwards, landing on the ground. Suddenly there was another body on top of me.
"What the hell?" I asked out loud. It was dark now so I couldn't see the face of the body still holding me to the ground.
"Ryan, what the FUCK is the matter with you?! What are you doing?!"
I knew that voice. It sounded frustrated, exhausted, and upset.
I didn't answer. Wasn't it obvious? Its not like I came here to have tea with the Mad Hatter.
I tried to push him off of me, but he restrained my arms so I couldn't.
"What are you doing here?" I mumbled when I couldn't break free.
"What am I doing here?! Stopping you, you idiot! Stopping you from making a huge fucking mistake. What the hell were you thinking?!?!"
To be honest, he wasn't exactly helping the situation.
"Brendon, get off me." I ordered.
"No." he said bluntly.
Why was he doing this? Why couldn't he just break my heart and leave me the fuck alone? Why did he have to act like he care when he didn't? Why the fuck is he here?
Oh I get it.
He wouldn't want my death on his conscience.
He knows it's all his fault and he doesn't want to deal with the guilt.
If I don't go through with it, and I go back with him, I'll end up exactly where I started or worse.
He'll probably through me in some mental hospital then go on living his life as if I never existed.
As these thoughts ran through my head, anger began to flood through my system.
"You haven't spoken to me in two fucking months! Why the fuck are you here?!" I screamed thrashing back and forth. I could feel the tears threatening to fall as I let out everything that was on my mind. "What do you care if I'm dead or not?" I continued. "You made it pretty fucking clear that you don't care when you lied about loving me then left! You fucking left me there broken and lifeless. You were my life Brendon, then you left. I can't live with out my fucking life. And since you don't love me, let me do this. I need to. I have nothing left to fucking live for." The last sentence came out almost like a growel.
I tried pushing him off again, but he was too fucking strong.
He began to laugh. Fucking laugh. Although his laugh lacked any humor. It sounded frustrated and in disbelief.
"So. Fucking. Stupid." he growled. Great. Now I'm alone, unwanted, and stupid. Can I please just go die already? "Ryan, you can't believe any of that stuff I told you was true. I lied."
"Yes I know you lied! That's why I'm here. That's why you left."
"No!" he exclaimed. "I lied about lying. I love you more then my own fucking life. But right now you're being stupid! How could I have told you those countless times that I loved you and not meant it? I fucking love you Ryan Ross. And if you jump off that cliff, I'll be right behind you." He tried to reason with me.
Lies. Fucking lies. He's nothing but a liar.
"You're lying." I laughed dryly. "Your a fucking liar!" That's when months worths of tears began to pour down my face. Sobs that hurt all the way down to my chest escaped my lips. I was breaking. My heart, no, my mind was crumbling to pieces. I began shaking violently, so much so that I thought my bones would fall apart. I was unaware of the fact that I was still sobbing.
I had almost become unaware of his prescence. I could barely hear him screaming the words, "Ryan! Stop! Please stop! I love you so fucking much! You're hurting me! Please stop!" He was almost believable. Almost. But I could see through his façade.
Through my sobs I was able to mutter. "Please. Please. Please. Just let me go! I can't take it any more! I hate loving you, and I hate believing your lies. I need to escape." The last four words were barely audible.
I regained control of my body, and pushed Brendon off and jetted for the edge of the cliff, ready to throw myself off. I almost did. Right as my feet were about to leave the ground, he grabbed me again pulling me into his chest, kicking and screaming.
"Ryan! You have to stop! I won't let you do this. Never. I don't care if you fucking believe me or not. I love you more then my own fucking self. I'd die for you. And I will. If you jump, so will I." he was crying now. On the verge of sobs. I continued to push at him, but he just held on tighter. Finally my body gave out and I collapsed on him, sobbing more then ever. He carried me away from the edge, and stood me up so he could look me in the eyes. My red, glossed with tears, dark, fed up eyes.
"I don't believe you." I barely whispered.
"I don't care."
He grabbed my face and brought his lips down on mine hard, but soft at the same time. They were fierce, desperate, and passionate. His hands ran through my hair, and tears ran down my face. His too.
He pulled away and let out a sob.
"Please." he whispered. I looked him in the eyes, and stole another kiss before running as fast as I could and throwing myself from the edge.
Finally. The relief I had been calling for.
The freedom of free falling through the air.
My life was gone before I hit the ground.
So was the life of the body that fell next to mine.
A soft smog-filled breeze ran across my skin and through my hair.
The glow of the city lights was visible in the distance as the sun set for the last time.
At least in my life.
One step.
One step is all it would take.
Then everything would be okay again.
I would no longer be in anyone's way. I would no longer have to deal with the pain and suffering that comes a long with being the outcast no one cared about.
I wouldn't have to deal with the pain and the humiliation of a lost love.
The words "I don't love you, I never did. It was nothing more then a lie. A mistake." Ran through my head.
That's what pushed me over the edge. The love of my life, the only one I was living for, decided to write me off like the mistake I am.
Many people don't mean it when the words "You're my life" escape their lips.
I did.
If my life is gone, I can't live.
Which brings me here, on the edge of this cliff.
How cliche.
But since when are cliche's important?
At this point I could care less.
I took a deep breath and shifted my weight forward.
But before I could take that first step, a force pulled me back, and sent me flying backwards, landing on the ground. Suddenly there was another body on top of me.
"What the hell?" I asked out loud. It was dark now so I couldn't see the face of the body still holding me to the ground.
"Ryan, what the FUCK is the matter with you?! What are you doing?!"
I knew that voice. It sounded frustrated, exhausted, and upset.
I didn't answer. Wasn't it obvious? Its not like I came here to have tea with the Mad Hatter.
I tried to push him off of me, but he restrained my arms so I couldn't.
"What are you doing here?" I mumbled when I couldn't break free.
"What am I doing here?! Stopping you, you idiot! Stopping you from making a huge fucking mistake. What the hell were you thinking?!?!"
To be honest, he wasn't exactly helping the situation.
"Brendon, get off me." I ordered.
"No." he said bluntly.
Why was he doing this? Why couldn't he just break my heart and leave me the fuck alone? Why did he have to act like he care when he didn't? Why the fuck is he here?
Oh I get it.
He wouldn't want my death on his conscience.
He knows it's all his fault and he doesn't want to deal with the guilt.
If I don't go through with it, and I go back with him, I'll end up exactly where I started or worse.
He'll probably through me in some mental hospital then go on living his life as if I never existed.
As these thoughts ran through my head, anger began to flood through my system.
"You haven't spoken to me in two fucking months! Why the fuck are you here?!" I screamed thrashing back and forth. I could feel the tears threatening to fall as I let out everything that was on my mind. "What do you care if I'm dead or not?" I continued. "You made it pretty fucking clear that you don't care when you lied about loving me then left! You fucking left me there broken and lifeless. You were my life Brendon, then you left. I can't live with out my fucking life. And since you don't love me, let me do this. I need to. I have nothing left to fucking live for." The last sentence came out almost like a growel.
I tried pushing him off again, but he was too fucking strong.
He began to laugh. Fucking laugh. Although his laugh lacked any humor. It sounded frustrated and in disbelief.
"So. Fucking. Stupid." he growled. Great. Now I'm alone, unwanted, and stupid. Can I please just go die already? "Ryan, you can't believe any of that stuff I told you was true. I lied."
"Yes I know you lied! That's why I'm here. That's why you left."
"No!" he exclaimed. "I lied about lying. I love you more then my own fucking life. But right now you're being stupid! How could I have told you those countless times that I loved you and not meant it? I fucking love you Ryan Ross. And if you jump off that cliff, I'll be right behind you." He tried to reason with me.
Lies. Fucking lies. He's nothing but a liar.
"You're lying." I laughed dryly. "Your a fucking liar!" That's when months worths of tears began to pour down my face. Sobs that hurt all the way down to my chest escaped my lips. I was breaking. My heart, no, my mind was crumbling to pieces. I began shaking violently, so much so that I thought my bones would fall apart. I was unaware of the fact that I was still sobbing.
I had almost become unaware of his prescence. I could barely hear him screaming the words, "Ryan! Stop! Please stop! I love you so fucking much! You're hurting me! Please stop!" He was almost believable. Almost. But I could see through his façade.
Through my sobs I was able to mutter. "Please. Please. Please. Just let me go! I can't take it any more! I hate loving you, and I hate believing your lies. I need to escape." The last four words were barely audible.
I regained control of my body, and pushed Brendon off and jetted for the edge of the cliff, ready to throw myself off. I almost did. Right as my feet were about to leave the ground, he grabbed me again pulling me into his chest, kicking and screaming.
"Ryan! You have to stop! I won't let you do this. Never. I don't care if you fucking believe me or not. I love you more then my own fucking self. I'd die for you. And I will. If you jump, so will I." he was crying now. On the verge of sobs. I continued to push at him, but he just held on tighter. Finally my body gave out and I collapsed on him, sobbing more then ever. He carried me away from the edge, and stood me up so he could look me in the eyes. My red, glossed with tears, dark, fed up eyes.
"I don't believe you." I barely whispered.
"I don't care."
He grabbed my face and brought his lips down on mine hard, but soft at the same time. They were fierce, desperate, and passionate. His hands ran through my hair, and tears ran down my face. His too.
He pulled away and let out a sob.
"Please." he whispered. I looked him in the eyes, and stole another kiss before running as fast as I could and throwing myself from the edge.
Finally. The relief I had been calling for.
The freedom of free falling through the air.
My life was gone before I hit the ground.
So was the life of the body that fell next to mine.