Days in Passing

Every day passes, each day feeling shorter and shorter than the last. And I sit here, doing my best to try and keep it all slow. My need for everything to be a million times slower could be understood by no one but me. Apparently, I'm the only one who doesn't want for him to leave.

My eyes scan down to my fingers, and I use my thumb to pick the blue nail polish off my ring finger. I bit into my lower lip, trying to take my attention to something else. Something other than the fact that he was leaving me. Again.

"Sarah?" I felt his hand rest on my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I looked into his brown eyes. Those sad, brown eyes almost made me loose it. "Yeah?" I choked out.
"Are you coming downstairs? The guys are here for our goodbye party." he grinned, trying to mask how he was truly feeling.
How I was making him feel.
I nodded my head, quickly standing up and allowing him to intertwine our fingers together. I used my free hand to gently tug my shirt down and buttoned my beige cardigan’s middle button.

His hand squeezed mine as he started down the stairs, attempting to let me know that everything was going to be okay. I tried getting him to walk a little bit slower, but he never got my hint. Before I knew it we had walked into the packed living room. Cheers erupted the waiting people as they over-dramatically accepted us into the group.
Hugs were exchanged and hello’s were said as he quickly moved through the group.

People that I’ve never even met before were gushing over how cute Alex and I were together. Telling me how much guts I must have to be in this relationship. How much I must trust him, to let him go all over the country with the guys. How much we must really love each other for this to work.

All I could do was nod and agree with them; It does take guts, I do trust him and I love him more than anything in the world.

Jack was soon by Alex’s side, taking all his attention. Get used to it.I silently told myself as I busied myself talking with the person who was trying to pass. The conversation was so forced I’m sure anyone in the room could tell. Even those who have had a few too many drinks. But I kept it going, for it was the only thing that was making me not loose it when Alex dropped my hand and walked away with Jack.

Before I knew it, the blonde that I was talking too had found an escape and quickly left me alone. I turned and quickly scanned the crowd, looking for someone to talk to. Anyone to talk to. My breathing started to quicken as I started to take in just how alone I was now. In a crowd of people.

How am I going to handle him leaving?

I snapped out of my sudden panic attack when I felt Alex grip onto my hand again and kiss the side of my head. He swayed lightly and I had to help sturdy him as he laughed loudly.
“Babe, come on,” he tugged on my hand and pulled me through the crowd where Jack was preparing people drinks.
I took the cup that Jack handed me and sipped at it, waving to him as Alex pulled me away again.
We made our way back through the party scene, waving to people and stopping to say hello to old friends. I helped Alex stand up right when Matt walked over, and gave him the reassurance that Alex would be ready to leave in the morning.
“Isn’t he always?” I yelled over the music and sent my boyfriend’s tour manager a smile. “He’ll be there.”
“He always gets like this Sarah.” Matt yelled in return, “He always drinks the fuck out of himself.” he shook his head and walked away. I placed my arm around Alex’s waist and continued to lead him through the crowd. Trying to shake off what Matt had said.

I tucked Alex into our bed and smiled down at him. His eyes started to drop shut but his hand stayed tightly around mine. It took me a few minutes but I finally got my hand away from his. I quickly changed into my pajamas and slid into bed next to him. He drunkenly turned his body to face me and shoved his face into my neck, and his arm went around my waist.
“I love you Sarah,” He slurred, nuzzling me. I hummed softly and ran my fingers through his hair until I heard soft snores coming from him. I sighed deeply and pressed my lips against the top of his head.
I rested my cheek against the top of his head and closed my eyes, hoping to actually get some sleep this time around. His breath tickled my neck as he slept in my arms. I ran my fingers through his hair any time that he moved, causing him to settle down and quickly doze back off. He would be needing all the sleep that he could get before he went off in the van again.

I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and looked up to see Alex’s smiling face.
“Hello,” I mumbled, rolling onto my back.
“Good morning.” He grinned, pulling the blankets off me. “It’s time to get ready,” he sang, pulling me out of bed.
“Can’t I just stay in my pajamas?” I questioned, placing my arms around my middle in an attempt to stay warm.
“No,” he pouted. “You should get dressed for me.” he sent me a wink. “Can I pick out our clothes?”
“Oh geeze.” I laughed, wrapping my arms around his middle as he turned to start opening my drawers. “I’ll monitor you.” I placed my on the side of his shoulder as I watched him start pulling out jeans.
“No. no I’m not wearing that.” I would laugh every few choices, finally settling on a pair of shorts. “Please give me an actual shirt.” I giggled into his back as he started to walk towards the closet.
“You, Missy, should start getting dressed.” he winked at me over his shoulder. I rolled my eyes and walked back towards the dresser, pulling out a pair of underwear and a bra. I tugged my pajamas pants and my shirt and quickly pulled on the clothes that we had out. “Did you find me a shirt yet?”

I turned around to see him holding up my All Time Low shirt, “Show me some support while we say goodbye.” he softly asked.
I frowned as I walked towards him, gripping the soft material between my fingers. “Of course.” I whispered. He gave me a small smile as I pulled black shirt over my small frame. I used that two seconds to blink back any tears that were forming in my eyes before looking back at him.
He pulled me into his arms and rested his head on top of mine. “I’m going to miss you,” he whispered. I pressed my face farther into his chest and wrapped my arms around his middle.
“I’m going to miss you too.” I replied, rubbing my hands slowly on the small of his back.
I don’t know how long we stood there. It could have been hours, and I wouldn’t have noticed.

Every few minutes Alex would tell me that he loves me, that he’s going to miss me, that he hates being away from me. And I would return it with “me too.” over and over again.
Finally, he pulled out of our hug and kissed my forehead, “We should get going,” he whispered.
I nodded my head and allowed him to pull me from the room. I laced our fingers together as we made our way down the stairs, and only let go when we got into the car. I fiddled with the hem of my shorts as I looked through the front window. Soon, I felt Alex’s hand wrap around my fidgeting one, causing me to stop and turn my attention on him.
“Next time.” he said, taking his eyes off the road of a second. “This time I mean it.”

I nodded my head, knowing that he was lying again, and smiled at him. They wouldn’t take me, and I’m fine with it. A three month break from your boyfriend is what every girl wants.
He started to trace circles on my hand with his thumb as he drove. I looked at the side of his face as he concentrated on maneuvering his way through the cars. His jaw clenched as he slammed on the breaks and honked the horn, a slur of curse words escaped his mouth as he continued to drive.

I let out a deep sigh and opened my car door as Alex beckoned me out. Quickly, I walked to his side and allowed him to grip onto my hand. I tightened my hold on him as Matt came towards us.
“Ready?” He asked, nodding at Alex.
“Just give us a second.” he said, motioning for his manager to go on the van. Matt gave him a small frown but nodded and left. Alex turned towards me and pulled me towards his chest. “I’m going to miss you Sarah,” he mumbled against the top of his head.
“I’ll miss you to Alex.” I answered, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his shoulder.

I allowed him to stand up straight, forcing myself to clamp my arms to my side instead of around him. He kissed my forehead lightly before leaning back down and kissing my lips. His brown hair lightly tickled my face as I kissed him back. His hands fell back down to my hips as he tightly pulled me back to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding onto him as he made this kiss deeper.
He pulled away a moment later, kissing my nose before letting go of me. I bit my lip as I dropped my arms back down to my side and took a step back.
“I’ll see you around,” he whispered, shifting his weight and shoving his hands in his pocket.
“Yeah,” I mumbled, doing the same.
“I love you Sarah.” he said before turning towards the van. “I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
“Okay.” I called, watching him as he slowly walked to the van and jumped in. Off to do his dream job.

I let out a slow breath as I watched the van pull out of the driveway and down the road. My arms hugged themselves around my waist as I made it back to Alex’s car. I tugged the keys out of my pocket and started the car. I rested my head against the steering wheel and let out all the tears that I had been holding in before. The tears that I didn’t want Alex to see.
I heard my phone chime loudly from my pocket. I sniffled as I pulled it out. Quickly, I used the back of my hand to wipe away the remains of my tears as I glanced at the screen.
One new text flashes across the screen. I clicked open and couldn’t help myself as I cried a little more.
I miss you already xx-Alex
I typed back my reply and reversed out of the drive and turned towards my home.

Every day passes, each day feeling longer and longer than the last. And I sit here, doing my best to try and speed everything up. My need for everything to be a million times faster could be understood by no one but me and him. Apparently, I'm not the only one who wants for him to come home.