Colour

Alexandra had absolutely no idea what to say. She tried to get her brain to work but her neurons just wouldn’t connect. All she knew was that she was staring at him, wide-eyed in shock with her mouth open slightly. In all her brief planning she never once contemplated the idea that Kennedy would actually see her. Now she was beginning to notice the huge hole in her plan.

“You know,” he whispered as though it was the biggest secret he had, “when I finish talking, that’s your cue to start.”

She still felt like her mouth and brain weren’t connecting. Her brain was screaming at her, begging her to say something that didn’t make her sound like an idiot, or at least close her mouth.

“Still trying to think of a decent excuse?” he smirked.

“See, the thing is...” Finally a connection between brain and mouth. Unfortunately, there wasn’t an end to the sentence she’d started, “The thing... Is...”

Kennedy stared at her with anticipation, “This thing better be worth the wait because I’m kind of in the middle of something.”

Alex then remembered that he was keeping his date waiting in order to stand here watching her do her incredible fish impression. Suddenly, her brain kicked into gear.

“I wasn’t spying on you!” she exclaimed. Smooth.

Kennedy burst out laughing and shook his head, “Nice save.”

“Why am I such an idiot?” she muttered aloud to herself.

“It’s difficult to tell really,” he shrugged, “I have been trying to work that out for a while.”

She glared at him, “Shut up. It was a rhetorical question.”

“So, come on, what’s this ‘thing’ you just can’t seem to get out?”

A deep sigh passed her nervously bitten lips, “There wasn’t really an end to that sentence. I was just trying to stop myself looking like a goldfish.”

He chuckled and took a slight step back from her, as if realising they were really close, before crossing his arms over his chest. “How did you know I was here?”

Alexandra did well to ignore the pang of hurt in her stomach as he took a step backwards. “I didn’t.” The simple raise of his eyebrows told her that he didn’t believe a word she was saying. The only thing she could do was stick to her guns. “Really, I didn’t.”

“Your reaction seemed like one of someone who had just been caught rather than one of bumping into someone you know,” he said knowingly.

“Since when have you ever known my reactions to be normal?” she challenged.

“True.”

She glanced down at the floor, inconspicuously grinding her heel into the ground as she felt the burning question she didn’t want to ask crawl up from her vocal chords. She heard the words leave her mouth before her brain had time to stop them. “So, how’s your date going? You know, just thought I’d ask now I’m here...” she added the last bit when he smirked at her.

“Why are you here?” he blatantly ignored her.

She shrugged, “I’m out for a meal with Josh.”

“And out of all the restaurants in the city you just happened to come to the one where I’m on a date?”

“That is pure coincidence.”

“It’s a pretty big coincidence that you just happened to come to a restaurant that’s twenty minutes out of your way, when there are at least four closer to you, three of which you love the food at.”

“I fancied a change.”

“You don’t like change.”

“We’re getting off topic here,” she waved her hand dismissively, folding her arms as though it was some kind of defence against his logical accusations.

“I don’t think we are. Personally, I think we’re on the best topic.”

“Are you just going to completely ignore my question then?”

He put his scrutinising gaze on her for a few seconds before breaking the brief silence, “I’ll tell you what, you answer my question honestly and I’ll answer yours,” he bent back at the waist slightly in order to look her straight in the eyes, “How did you know I was here?”

She stared back at him, face bare of emotion as she felt the stubbornness come through. She didn’t like the fact that he believed she was here for him because that meant that he thought she felt something more than just lust. That didn’t sit comfortable with her. “I didn’t know you were here.”

He took a deep breath and shrugged at her, “Fine.”

“So how is your date going?”

He shook his head and wandered towards the toilet, “I’m afraid I can’t answer that.”

“I answered yours!” she called after him in frustration.

“I think you misheard my terms- I asked you to answer me honestly.”

“I did!”

He rolled his eyes at her, “I think you need a dictionary, Lex, because from your response it seems as though you don’t know what the word ‘honestly’ means.”

Alexandra was having an internal battle. She couldn’t decide what to do. If she told him the truth then she’d be admitting to herself and to him that she was practically a stalker but if she kept her mouth shut then she wouldn’t find out how the date was going. She wasn’t sure which eventuality she liked less. Not only that but she couldn’t quite read Kennedy’s reaction. She could tell that he was slightly annoyed but she didn’t know if that was because he knew she was lying to him or because she was even here in the first place.

She let out a deep huff, “John told me,” she announced.

He stopped just before he reached the toilet door and about-faced, “That’s my girl.”

“Don’t be patronising,” she glared playfully and he chuckled, wandering back over to her. The smile on his face made Alexandra’s stomach more nauseous than before and she backed off slightly.

“Sorry.” He didn’t really mean it.

As she looked at those hazel eyes that made something inside her flutter, she suddenly realised the ridiculousness of the situation. What had she actually done? What kind of sane person stalks their friend on a date? Especially when said friend was in bed with them the previous night.

“We’ve been gone for ages, you best get to the toilet quick before she thinks you’ve jumped out of the window. If you splash some water on your jeans you can pass off that you did what they do in the movies with the explosive taps and the hand dryer,” she advised.

A frown crossed Kennedy’s features, “Don’t you want to know your answer?”

She nodded vaguely, “Yeah, I do but I’ve just had an epiphany that going about it this way seems slightly eccentric.”

“Only slightly?” he teased.

She sent him a warning look and dropped her arms to her sides, as if letting him back in, “I’m sorry I’m such a freak.”

“I’m used to it by now,” he grinned at her, “She’s a nice girl, by the way. You’d like her.”

“Well as long as she treats you right.” Why was her brain choosing to say all the right things now after the damage had been done? Had she just run out of stupid things to say?

“Aren’t you sweet?” he cooed.

“Don’t tell anyone. People will think I have feelings,” she smirked, “I better get back to Josh.”

“Okay. Maybe I’ll pop round later for a beer, yeah?”

“Um...” she hesitated, “I might be going out tonight, I’ll text you later.”

His brow creased again, “Oh, okay.”

“Enjoy the rest of your night, kid,” she rubbed his arm before darting off to find Josh.

Josh had just had a fresh drink placed in front of him when Alexandra arrived back at the table.

“Took you long enough. I thought you’d got locked in the toilet. Either that or you got sidetracked by stocking up on condoms,” Josh snorted at his own joke as he took a victory sip of his drink.

She ignored him. “Drink up, we’re leaving,” she ordered.

“What?” he frowned, “Why? We haven’t even ordered yet.”

“This was a stupid idea to come here in the first place, we need to go.”

“But I’ve just got a drink,” he pointed at his pint and raised his eyebrows as if he needed the evidence to prove it.

Alexandra grabbed the drink from the table and brought it to her lips. In ten seconds the entire pint was gone and the empty glass was slammed back on the table as she grimaced before a burp left her mouth in response.

“You’re such a classy girl,” Josh rolled his eyes.

“Come on, let’s go,” she repeated, bouncing on the balls of her feet impatiently. He slowly pulled himself up from the seat and slipped on his jacket.

“What the hell happened to you in the toilet?”

She rolled her eyes and began walking towards the door. Josh hurried after her and tried to get some kind of response from her. He even tried goading her into snapping at him but it didn’t seem to work. She was too quiet. It wasn’t until they were sat into the car that he managed to wiggle some kind of reaction.

“Lexie, seriously, you’ve been silent for at least three minutes now and that doesn’t happen unless your mouth is otherwise occupied. We haven’t done that since that night...” he winked at her and when she said nothing, he slapped his thighs in frustration, “Right, something is definitely wrong- you can’t resist any joke made about our night together. Tell me what’s wrong right now,” he demanded. He watched in anticipation as she opened her mouth to talk and then closed it again causing him to huff.

“Don’t have a tantrum because I’m being quiet. You’re finally getting what you’ve wanted for years- me to shut up.”

“There’s me wanting you to shut up because you’re talking shit and then there’s you shutting up because something’s wrong. I’d rather have you talking than have something wrong, so talk to me.”

She took a second to think about how she could articulate her sentence. “I don’t feel right.”

“You’ve just downed a pint of beer, you probably need to burp again.”

She shook her head, “Not physically.”

“You have no other type of feeling...”

“That’s why I’m scared of it,” she whispered, glancing down at her hands that were picking at her jeans.

Josh frowned and twisted in his seat, “What exactly do you mean that you don’t feel right?”

“You know me Josh, I don’t do stupid stuff like this. When have you ever known me to practically stalk someone?”

He shrugged slightly, “A moment of madness.”

She shook her head again, “And when have you ever known me to have one of those when I’m sober?”

“People do things without thinking sometimes. Everyone does it.”

“Well I don’t. I go out, I get drunk, I sleep with guys and throw them away the next day. I don’t follow a guy I’ve had sex with to a restaurant to spy on them while they’re with someone else. I just don’t. I don’t like who I am right now.”

“Lex...”

“No, Josh. I just spoke to Kennedy and he asked me why I was here. I lied to him to change the subject. But now that I think about it, I genuinely don’t know why I’m here and that isn’t like me. I don’t do things for no reason. I think about things, I know what I’m getting out of things but for this I don’t. My judgement is clouded, my logic has gone and I’m scared.”

“It’s nothing to be scared about. You and I both know what’s going on with you, you just don’t want to admit it.”

“I don’t have feelings for Kennedy,” she stated firmly, “I have feelings about him that need to stop.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be thinking about how you’re going to stop them and maybe think about following them,” he suggested.

“No. What I really need right now is to get drunk and find a guy so I can find myself again.”

“That is the last thing you need!” he scoffed.

“Either that or I have to talk to Kennedy.”

“Well do that then.”

“I’m afraid that I don’t know what I’ll end up saying if I do.”

“What, that you like him?”

“No, that I can’t be friends with him anymore.”

“Lexie, don’t be ridiculous. You and Kenny are good friends- you can’t lose that just because you’re scared of what you feel.”

“I’m scared of both of us losing who we are. We’ve both changed since we met and that’s not what friends are supposed to do for each other,” she sighed.

“Who’s to say that it’s not for the best?”

“Kenny is becoming like me and I’ve slowly chipped away at his belief in love. That’s not what I want for him,” she explained, “and I’ve stopped being myself, that’s not what I want either. Are you coming out with me?” she switched subject and started the engine.

Josh had no choice but to sit properly and put his seatbelt on, “I think you’re making the wrong decision.”

“Maybe so, but it’s my wrong decision to make.”

“I suppose it’s up to me to make sure you at least keep up some kind of standard. If you’re planning on getting paralytic then I’m going to have to be there to make sure you get home safe.”

“I might not end up home.”

“Whatever happens, you need me tonight. A party isn’t a party without me.”

Alexandra smiled to herself and the drive home began. She could feel her stomach churning and her head fizzing with questions. Her body wasn’t quite sure what to do with all these emotional changes. She wasn’t even hormonal so she had nothing to blame this on but Kennedy.

Her reasons were true. She didn’t like that Kennedy was changing but she didn’t like that he was still try to find his ‘one’ while all the time all she could think about was the next time she was going to see him. She had spent so many sleepless nights convincing herself that she liked their kind of friends-with-benefits arrangement but her fluttering heart was fighting its corner.

But Alexandra had her own secrets that always shot her heart down in flames. She had her reasons for stopping herself from feeling. The potential to hurt others was a contributor to the way she lived her life, but there was also something in the back of her mind that started screaming and flashing big scary red lights in her face when she began to get that fizzing stomach. It had happened before once or twice but this time she’d gone past that point into the darkness, into the madness.

She should have listened to her warnings. She should have cut Kennedy off after that night. She should have known that it would come to this.

Now she knew what she had to do, even if it did mean weeks of misery until she got over it.

She had to push Kennedy away.

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'You Threw Your Hands Up, Baby You Gave Up, You Gave Up'

Lady Gaga