Tequila

“What are you doing out here?” I’d gone out by myself for a smoke. It was loud inside, and Lee was giving me those eyes. Not that I particularly minded the look he was giving me, I just needed a moment to collect myself, a moment to consider everything before I made the decision to go home with him.

“I thought I’d talk to you.” Tom lit up a cigarette of his own. I had seen him in the bar, but chose to ignore him. Clearly, he wasn’t up for ignoring me.

“Yeah? About what?”

“I don’t know, stuff. What’s been going on?”

“You know, the usual.”

“Oh, right, good.”

“How was the tour?”

“Really good, thanks.”

“And you’re back then? For awhile?”

“A couple months, yeah. Going to the States in the fall.”

“That’s… cool.”

“Uh huh…” It seemed there was a bit of nervousness in his voice. Apprehension. And I knew why. “You know, I was thinking maybe we could hang out again sometime.”

“Hang out?” I was surprised. And angry.

“Yeah, we could get a drink or catch another film or something.”

“So you’re asking me on a date?”

“I guess so, if you want me to.”

“Oh no, you do NOT get to ask me out.” I tried to remain in good-humor. I didn’t want to fight with him. I wanted things to be cool, especially if I was gonna have to see him at my favorite pub every week, seeing as it was also his favorite pub.

“What? Why?” He looked only marginally confused.

“Because.”

“Because why?”

“Because you hurt my feelings.”

“When?”

“When? Are you serious? When you didn’t call me after our first date.”

He took a long hit of his cigarette to delay responding. I liked watching him smoke; that was still true. But I hated the way he looked; that had changed. He always wore this look of sheer amazement, like everything that happened was some great surprise. I used to think it made him seem fun and silly. Now, all I saw was stupid and cruel. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“Well, what’d you expect? I had a really good time with you—and I thought you had a good time with me. And then nothing… No text messages. No voicemails. Nothing.”

“I was in Australia! I didn’t have a phone—“

“You couldn’t have sent me a Facebook message or something? If you had just told me that you weren’t interested, we could have at least been friends or something.”

“I was interested. I AM interested.”

I threw my cigarette on the ground and stared him dead in the eyes. “Then why didn’t you call me?” I was pretty sure I knew the answer, but I wanted him to say it.

“I… uh,” he couldn’t come up with a good response.

So I threw one at him. “Because you thought I’d be easier than I was? That I’d just come up to your place on the first real date we had?” I remembered, with a cringe, how I had turned down the offer of a nightcap in his flat at the end of our date.

“No, that isn’t the reason.”

“Well, it seems like it might be the reason…”

“Come on, I’m not like that. You know I’m not like that.”

“Really? I know that? How would I know that?”

“We’ve been friends… forever.” When he said this, we both appeared to wince a little. Forever. Friends. These words stung.

“Yeah, well we’re not really friends anymore, are we?”

“Don’t say that…” He was looking particularly guilty, with his blue eyes not making contact with mine. “Let me buy you a drink.”

“Right now?”

“Well we’re at a bar…”

“No thank you.”

“Why not? Come on, Rachel, a free drink. You can’t turn that down.” He attempted to give me the grin that he knew I liked best on him. And it nearly worked. I nearly fell into the trap he was setting.

“Yes, I can. I’m here with Lee.”

“Lee? Lee who?” He was taken back, not expecting this particular curve ball to be thrown. A cross jealousy lit up his face. And I said nothing, letting him draw his own conclusions. He didn’t have to think hard, because Lee Porter had been infatuated with me for several months. It had almost become a running joke between the two of us when we still talked. “Porter? Seriously, Rach? You’re kidding.” He seemed a bit angry over this, and I let out a cold laugh. It had only been a few weeks, but already we were very different with one another.

“He asked, so I said yes.”

“You said he had funny teeth and a big nose.”

“That doesn’t mean he isn’t worth dating.”

“So you’re dating him now?” It wasn’t just a little bit of anger flooding Tom’s face; it was quite a lot of it.

“No, but this is the second time we’ve gone out.”

“What? Why?” His cigarette was almost burnt down to the filter.

“Because you didn’t want to go out a second time.” I knew this was a cheap shot, as part of me knew it wasn’t exactly true, but I was feeling malicious and spiteful towards him for hurting me.

Through gritted teeth, he said “That isn’t true.”

I didn’t know what else to say, so to buy a moment, I pulled my chapstick from my pocket and applied a thick layer of it to my lips. “I’m going inside now.” And I went back to Lee and his hinting eyes, his blonde hair and hopeless crush.

---

We were sitting on the sofa in the back of the bar. Each of us had collapsed onto the old couch. I was leaned against him just a little, unable to stop giggling. “Oh… my… god,” I wheezed, letting myself descend into laughter. Tom was smiling at me, in that slow sleepy way. We were no longer stumbling around the pub, drunk and playing darts. It was almost last call and the night was winding down. This was before things were complicated between us.

“Dan said he’d take you home, if you don’t wanna walk.”

“That would be fucking fantastic… It’d be a long stumble back.” Grinning was an unusual occurrence for me, even in those days, but Tom always had a way of eliciting silliness in me. Maybe that’s why we always ended up drinking together. At first, we would just run into each other a lot, since we both liked this bar unreasonably. We’d known each other in school, in a sort of casual teenage way. His friends sat with my friends on the grass outside at lunch from the time we were fourteen until graduation. Then after his band got kind of popular, he was really busy for awhile and we didn’t see each other much. But once we started closing down the bar with one another, it ended with us exchanging numbers, something we’d never done before. Which led us to planned meet ups.

“I don’t know if the tequila was a good idea.” He had his hand on his stomach, and looked a little queasy. Then he let out a loud burp and didn’t look so bad anymore.

“Come on, you know that tequila is always a good idea.” It was my drink of choice, though not always his. I couldn’t help but giggling a little again. If I’d had less to drink, I might have been embarrassed over my girlishness. But we were having so much fun, doing absolutely nothing, and I just didn’t care to put on an act for him. My head was on his shoulder, and his cheek pressed against my hair. It probably looked different than it was, more intimate than our intentions indicated. “Tequila is truly another world of intoxication.”

“Don’t I know it,” Tom said, his eyes crossing for a brief moment.

Dan appeared in front of us, looking entirely too sober. “You ready to go then?”

I nodded. “Oh god, yes. Thanks, Daniel.” I gave him a smile too, just for the hell of it. I didn’t know Dan too well, despite being on near-BFF terms with his twin brother. But Dan was always nice enough to me, maybe for Tom’s sake.

When I stood up, I took two steps and my legs tangled together. I nearly went careening to the floor, but Tom caught a hold of my wrist. “Easy there,” he said while tossing an arm around my shoulders. “How’s the tequila doing now?” He wasn’t quite walking well either, but he was doing better than I was.

“How did I get this drunk?” It was entirely rhetorical in natural, of course. I knew exactly how it had happened but drunkness always sneaks up on me.

Tom and I followed Dan out to the car, climbing in amid jokes and more frequent laughter. I sat in the back seat with my feet up and my head resting on the glass. Tom kept looking back towards me and I would give him a little wave. Then Tom would look at his brother and it seemed like they were having a conversation without actually saying anything. Some freaky twin communication thing. It was kind of funny because there was absolutely no way anyone else would understand their exaggerated facial expressions and eyerolls with only the occasional few words. It was a mystery to everyone but themselves. And I thought that was about the coolest thing ever.

I let them have their mostly silent discussion and tried to pretend like I didn’t notice it. As my eyes blurred the street lights, I wondered if they were talking about me. This was the first time I noticed it. I liked Tom. I wanted him to be talking about me, that’s how I knew. I was curious about what he thought of me. About whether he even thought of me.

“You should help her to the door,” Dan said, seeing the way I was sprawled out across the bench seat. It probably wasn’t a bad idea to have someone walk me there. I might not have made it otherwise.

Tom gladly got out of the passenger side door and opened mine for me. “Here,” he held out his hand to help me up.

“Thanks.” I took his hand and held it tightly, holding onto his arm with my other hand to help me keep balance. His skin was flushed and warm, and I was glad to keep a grasp on him as we made our way to the front door of my house. It was a short trip and I repeated “Thanks” just as he began to talk.

“Hey, do you think you’d wanna go out tomorrow?”

I squinted my eyes. “I don’t know if I can drink like this again tomorrow,” I said with a groan.

“Oh well, I was actually thinking we could do something different.” He had a casual confidence about this, like he was eager.

“Like what?”

“Like maybe a movie? And food?”

“Like a date?” For the first time all night, I tried to suppress a smile.

He seemed to be doing the same. “Yeah, I just… I guess I just thought that it’d be cool. I mean, I’m leaving in a few days for the gigs, but I wanted to—“

“Yeah, I think it’d be cool too.”

---

“You’re just doing this to make me jealous,” he said, taking a seat next to me. Lee was in the bathroom and Tom had taken the opportunity to approach me. I’d seen him sitting in the back of the place, with his brother and a couple of their friends. They had kept looking in my direction, thinking that I didn’t notice.

“Doing what?” I tried not to glance over at him, so I took a gulp of the rum beer in my hand.

“Sitting here with Lee.” He leaned against the table, looking more chipper than I had left him outside. His friends had clearly tried to cheer him up, with the help of Jose Cuervo by the smell of his breath. “You knew I’d be here tonight.”

Not responding to his suggestion, I said “You been drinking tequila?”

A sloppy smile crossed his face. “Maybe.”

“You’ll feel like shit tomorrow.”

“I was gonna feel like shit tomorrow whether I drank or not.” For the first time, he seemed vaguely apologetic.

“Okay.”

“So I’m right, aren’t I?” Tom said. “This is some plot to get me to apologize to you, so that we can just have a great big laugh about this.”

“I shouldn’t have to plot in order to get you to apologize.” I gave him a sneaky smile just as Lee returned from the toilets.

“Tom, hey man, what’s going on?” Lee was mostly oblivious to the fact that Tom and I had history. Even though it wasn’t really history, per say. More like almost history.

“Nothing, you know.” They exchanged a handshake and a mutual head nod. Tom was trying to be nice; I could see it in his face. He was trying to keep his smile. Lee’s smile was natural, as he had no idea that anything was going on. The most he knew was that Tom and I were friends. The date I went on with Tom was strictly top secret, since there was only one. Word had not been spread further than our close circles of friends.

For a few minutes, Tom and Lee spoke to one another as though I wasn’t there. Typical boy sort of talk. Football, beer and video games. I would have been uninterested if it were anyone else having this conversation. But as it was, I was quite interested, mostly with Tom’s end. His eyes kept shifting to me quickly, to see if I was watching him. Of course, I made it look like I wasn’t.

As they were discussing beer, Tom asked “Did you want another one, Rachel? I was about to get Lee and me one…” He was being sneaky.

Even though I did in fact need another, I said “Oh, no, I’m fine.”

Lee laughed at me. “Did you just turn down a drink? Is hell freezing over?” Lee knew as well as anyone that I wasn’t one to pass up such offers. But I’d already made myself quite clear on the matter earlier. “Of course she’ll have another one,” he said. And Tom laughed with him.

Fitfully, I accepted the beer from Tom. “Thanks.”

A shadow of a smirk curled his lips. “No problem.”

I thought he looked cute, and I cursed the amount of alcohol in my system because of this thought. He wasn’t cute. Not even a little bit, I told myself. I would not allow any useless fantasizing. I was past all that. So totally over it.

---

In my hand, clutched to my chest, was a stuffed purple elephant that had been in one of those treacherous claw machine games. It was absolutely adorable and I was tickled to have it. Tom had spent almost six pounds trying to get this particular elephant. In the lobby of the cinema, Tom had tried nearly a dozen times to win me the toy and he had almost given up several times. But when he finally got it, we were both so excited. I’d put my arms around him and hugged him in a way that I never had before.

“You really like that thing, don’t you?” Tom asked, with a proud smile on his face. We were walking back to my car. On this first official date, I’d insisted upon driving since he insisted upon paying. It seemed like a fair enough trade off.

“I do. Look how fucking cute it is.” I held it up to show him for about the thirtieth time.

“Lemme see it.” He snatched it from my grasp.

“Hey, give it back.” I reached for it and he pulled it away, very amused with himself. “Jerk.” I put on my best and most sincere pout.

“I’m the one who labored to get this little thing,” he said.

“So? It’s mine. What would you do with it anyway?”

“I don’t know… it could keep me company when I’m all alone in my bunk.” He would be sleeping in a bunk much sooner than I would have liked. The next evening, his band was headed out on the road for a few weeks, to Australia and then Japan. It wouldn’t be a long time to go without seeing him, but I felt like I might miss him anyway.

“I could do that.”

“What? Keep me company?”

“Uh huh.”

“It’d be cramped with two people.” But he didn’t seem like he would mind too terribly much.

“Not cramped, cozy.” I like the idea of this, maybe a little bit too much. Pausing on the sidewalk and changing the subject, I said “Can I have my elephant back now?”

“What do I get if I give it back?” Oh, he was good.

“I don’t know. What do you want?” I flashed a bright curious smile at him, knowing exactly what he wanted.

“Well I was thinking…” He trailed off, stepping closer to me, close enough that I put my hand on his forearm. He leaned down and very carefully kissed me. When I smiled against his lips, he pressed down a little harder. I let my hand trail down to his; he immediately took a hold of it.

After he pulled back, I was grinning shamelessly and said “Do I get the elephant back then?”

“Yes.” While still keep his fingers locked to mine, he handed it over.

We made it back to my car and when we both climbed in, I was bubbling over with giddiness. The first kiss high. The feeling that no one can touch, no one can take away. I tried to light a cigarette for the drive, but my hand was shaking and Tom laughed at me. “Can’t get it?” He took his own lighter from his pocket and held the flame to the tip of my cigarette.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

He lit a cigarette of his own and we chatted mindlessly on the drive back to his place. I liked this feeling, of us being more than just friends. It felt natural and I hadn’t expected that. We’d know each other for so long; how hadn’t we known THIS? We worked well together. He was fun and silly, able to make me laugh. I didn’t know how I could be so excited about something that I hadn’t known I even wanted until two days before.

When we reached his building, I put the car in park. “I had a lot of fun,” I said.

“Me too…” He inched a little closer, so that he could kiss me one quick time before saying “Did you wanna come up and have a beer or something?”

This offering was incredibly tempting and I almost said yes. But I realized that in my excitement, I might go a little overboard. I might have a few too many beers and go farther than you should on a first date. And I would have, in a minute. That’s why I said “No, I have to get up early.”

He looked disappointed, but not quite fazed. “Yeah, good point, me too.”

“When do you leave tomorrow?” I asked.

“We’re going to the airport around four.”

“Oh.” A small frown formed. “I work until five.”

“Oh.”

“So I guess I’ll see you when you get back?”

“Yeah… I’ll call you though.”

---

Lee was throwing up outside of the bar. He couldn’t hold his tequila. I was standing several feet away, feeling a little queasy from the sight. “You gonna be okay?” I tried to be as helpful as I could, but as it was, I couldn’t do much.

“Yeah, fine—“ And he leaned over again, puking against the building.

“I’m going to get you some water,” I said, retreating back into the bar. I was staggering slightly, continuing to try and ignore the group of boys in the back corner. Tom and his friends. I didn’t even look in their direction, hoping I would go unnoticed. “Can I have a bottle of water?” I asked the bartender, and he nodded before opening the cooler.

“So where’s your boy?” A voice asked from behind me. Tom. He was definitely hammered, I could tell by the way his sentence slid together into one slurred word.

With a good amount of slurring myself, I said “I don’t have a boy… but Lee is outside, getting sick.” I accepted the bottle of water.

He laughed. “Are you serious? That’s great.”

“It’s not funny.”

“Clearly he can’t handle his tequila like I can.” Tom leaned on the bar.

“Just because you aren’t vomiting doesn’t mean you’re handling it any better.” It was snide and I turned away from him to go back outside.

“Rachel, wait!” He reached out to grab my shoulder before I could get away.

“What? I have to call a taxi for—“

“I wish you weren’t being so mean.” It sounded rather pathetic the way he said it, like I was some big scary bully in the school yard.

“Well, I wish you’d leave me alone.” I really couldn’t take him toying with me any longer. I honestly just wanted to go home, by myself, and forget about my disaster string of dates.

He was stunned silent. “But… I…”

And I went back outside, pulling my mobile from my pocket with one hand and clenching the bottle of water in the other. I made a short phone call to the taxi service for Lee. I would not be riding with him; he lived on the other side of town and the chances of me getting vomited on increased the longer the car ride. I lived close enough to stumble home. The walk would sober me up anyway.

“Lee…” I prodded his shoulder and he accepted the water with a grunt. “Cab’s on the way. Do you have fare money?”

“Uh huh.”

“Alright, good.”

“Sorry that I ruined the night.”

“Wasn’t you that ruined it,” I mumbled under my breath.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Lee managed to get himself together enough to get into the taxi when it arrived. He gave me a weak one-armed hug, knowing he’d lost his chance for a goodnight kiss when he started throwing up. In truth, he’d probably lost his chance overall anyway. It wasn’t his fault, but the timing was wrong. And maybe, just maybe, Tom had been right. I only agreed to go out with Lee because Tom had so fabulously rejected me and I was feeling a little low. Was I trying to make him jealous by showing up to his favorite bar with someone else? Possibly.

I started my walk as soon as Lee’s cab was out of sight. I glanced through the bar window on my way, not seeing Tom or his friends. I felt mostly relieved. I really wanted to erase the last month or so of my life, starting with the first night Tom and I had seen each other again. I wanted to get rid of any good time memories involving him, because they just made me feel worse. I honestly thought that there was something more there. No, I knew there was something more. What I wanted to know was why he had totally and completely blew it.

It didn’t make any sense. He was a nice guy. A REALLY nice guy. Like, the kind of guy that opens your car door for you and spends twenty minutes trying to win a silly little stuffed elephant for you. He wasn’t the type of guy that ‘forgot’ to call. He was right, I’d known him forever and I knew he wasn’t like that. This was probably why it hurt so goddamn bad.

“Rachel!”

I turned around. Tom was doing is best to run and catch up with me. For a moment, I was worried that he was going to run into the street lamp post; he had to swerve to miss it. “Tom?”

“You’re walking home?” He was out of breath.

“Uh, yeah?” I kept walking forward, not even bothering to look over at him.

“You can come with us. I’m sure Dan wouldn’t mind.”

“I’m fine, thanks.” I sped up and he fell behind. I’d gone about five steps before he shouted at me again.

“I’m sorry, okay?” When he said it, I stopped, but didn’t turn. “I fucked it all up, I know that. I really wish I hadn’t.” Slowly, I spun around to face him. He was coming closer to me. I folded my arms across my chest, waiting for an explanation. “I swear I’ll leave you alone now, but I just want to apologize first… Because I was an asshole.”

“Yeah, you could say that.”

“I’m sorry,” he repeated.

We were stuck without anything to say for at least forty-five whole seconds, and I felt like crying. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t just say he was sorry and make it okay. Because it didn’t explain anything. I had to know. “Can you please just …” I tried to figure out how best to put it. “Tell me how you did it.”

“How…” He didn’t seem to understand my request.

“Just tell me how we could have like the best fucking date ever and how you could kiss me like that and then… nothing. Then you leave and forget all about it. Like it didn’t mean anything.” I did my best to fight off tears; I didn’t want to be that girl. The girl that cries over the guy. I hated that. But I understood it.

He looked like I’d just punch him in the stomach and he stepped even closer, reaching a hand out to me. “Oh shit, Rach, I’m sorr—“

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Just tell me why you did it.”

“I don’t have a good reason.”

“Then tell me a bad one.”

He looked at his beat up canvas sneakers and then back up at me. “I got scared, I guess.”

“Scared? Of what?”

“Fuck, I don’t know.”

I rolled my eyes and went to leave again.

“No, wait, stop.” This time he sprinted forward and jumped in front of me before I could get very far. His hands wrapped around my upper arms, trapping me. “I was scared because being on tour made me realize that I’m never going to be good for you…”

“What?”

He shook his head. “I’m gone all the time.”

“So?”

“My band is my life, and I wouldn’t ever give it up.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to.” Of course this was all in the hypothetical universe where we still had a chance.

“But you deserve better than that. Better than me.”

“Who the hell are you to decide what I deserve?” It was half in anger, half in confusion. He had totally altered my perception of him in 3.5 seconds.

“I don’t know… I was just scared that I’d end up hurting you someday. Then I was stupid and ended up doing it anyway. And when I saw you tonight, I thought maybe I could fix things, but you hate me now and I don’t blame you.”

Despite my better judgment, I said “I don’t hate you.”

He let go of my arms. “Thanks.” He sort of shrugged and then said “I guess I’ll leave you alone now… I just wanted to, uh, apologize.”

“Right.”

“Yeah, so… see you.” He turned to go and I really couldn’t let him leave. Not after all that.

“Tom, hold on.”

“Hmm?”

“Will you walk me home?”

“Yeah.” He smiled. “Sure.”