I Liked it Better When They Were Young
September 1st the second
*Flashback to September a year ago*
Billie's P.O.V
I saw my reflection for the first time in days. It wasn't a pretty sight.
My eyes were swollen from lack of sleep, the anti-depressants I was taking and crying. There were deep purple lines underneath them. My hair was half sticking up, half flattened from where I'd been lying on my pillow. My skin was paler than ever before and my lips were dry and chapped. Not nice.
I splashed my face with cold water in an attempt to tidy myself up a bit. I looked back at my reflection. Great. Now I was soaking wet as well as an emotional wreck. I opened the medicine cabinet and reached for the anti-depressant pills. I swallowed down two, then a third. My eyes travelled wearily back to the mirror. I did a double take.This time, I wasn't the only one in it. My father was standing beside me, a sympathetic smile on his face.
I knew he wasn't real. He was just a hallucination from my anit-depressants. I had grown out of those dreams years ago. That he'd come back to me. But they'd never come true, no matter how many stars I'd wished on. I felt angry tears rolling down my face as this sunk in. I shook my head at his smiling reflection, refusing to believe he was real. Dreams were for rookies, wishes were for rookies. I'd had enough of the Mirror of Erised.
SMASH!!!
Shit. I hadn't meant to do that. I looked down at the smashed mirror, its broken pieces strewn on the floor, shattered by my blow. I was stronger than I thought. Why couldn't I do that to my stepdad when he tried to attack me?
I slid down the bathroom wall to the floor, nursing my knuckles, which were starting to ache from my punch. I picked up a splinter from the remains of the mirror, studied it for a second, then tossed it aside. Fantastic. Five years of bad luck to come. Well, five more years....
I came to the conclusion that I needed out of the house. I needed air, I needed to breathe again. Staying here, slumped on the floor, was just going to make me feel depressed. And I'd had enough of feeling depressed.
Anna's P.O.V
I sat slumped on the sofa, flicking through the channels, kidding myself that there might be something interesting on. My heart skipped a beat as I heard movement from upstairs. Billie was out of bed! He'd been lying dormant for almost two weeks now, curtains closed, refusing to eat, the usual drill for September. But he was up and moving about. I heard him pad down the stairs, sighing to himself. I heaved myself off the sofa and greeted him in the hallway.
"Hey." I said, smiling at him. He raised his eyebrows at me, a small smile on his face.
"Hi." I looked around the house for a second, then back at him.
"So, uhh, you're up!" Billie shrugged.
"Apparantly."
"So you wanna come have something to eat? Watch TV for a bit?" Billie shook head, scratching his head at the same time.
"Yeah. I was actually gonna go out..." I grinded my teeth. I knew what "Going Out" meant for Billie. It meant seeing some guys in a bar or trailer park and coming back wasted. Billie shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Book me in advance next time."
"So, see you later?" He started for the door. I rolled my eyes and took a catious step towards him, as he fiddled with the lock mom had always told us to leave alone when she was out. But Billie was never one for playing by the rules.
"Billie, you're not going anywhere! Leave the lock alone..."
"Or what?" Billie said, once he had succeeded in opening the door, turning around to face me. "You're not mom. You can't order me around like I'm some little kid..."
"You ARE a little kid!" I yelled. "You're 5ft 3 and fifteen years old!" Billie rolled his eyes. Then a black jeep pulled up outside the house, The Misfits blaring out of the wound down windows. Sean, one of Billie's friends, poked his head outside.
"Oi! Billie!" He yelled, "You coming?" Billie looked at Sean and then at me.
"Yeah." He said, looking at me as he said it. I folded my arms, glaring at the jeep.
"What the hell are they doing here?"
"I called them." Billie said simply. I sighed.
"You really believe they're your friends, Billie?"
Maybe not." He snapped at me. "But they have fake IDs, and that's all I want right now." I rolled my eyes.
"Where's my sweet little brother now, Billie?" I asked him, causing him to sigh impaitently and scuff his shoes. "The one who used to sing in the shower and play guitar in his room?Sometimes you'd even let me watch you play." Billie sighed.
"That was a long time ago Anna." I lowered my voice.
"You haven't touched that thing since Brad arrived on the scene."
"It's not about that!" Billie hissed, his voice toning down subconciously. He shrugged his shoulders, "I'm not that good anyway..."
"BILLIE!?" Billie's head snapped back to the jeep. Sean honked the horn. He looked back at me.
"Stay out of trouble, Anna." He said, smirking at me. I scoffed in disgust. He screwed my nose, laughed lightly and made his way up to the jeep. All his friends cheered as he got in. He raised his eyebrows once at me, then the jeep went speeding off, no doubt to some bar in Rodeo. I sighed and went back inside, slamming the door.
I settled back on the sofa. I had a love hate relationship with my brother. I used to love him, but now I hated him. Well, I hated what he'd become.
An Alcoholic.
The words were on the tip of my tongue every time I saw him, but I didn't dare saw anything. I knew he'd either snap at me and deny it, or laugh it off with some weird joke I didn't get. Or maybe, just maybe, he'd actually admit it...
I felt tears fall out of my eyes as I realised I used to know my brother like the back of my hand. But I didn't know him at all anymore. We used to be inseparable. We'd made a pact when dad died to stick together no matter what. But Billie had since broken that pact. He never talked about dad anymore, and whenever I tried to bring him up, he ignored me.
Billie's P.O.V
I downed my, god, what number was I on now? I stopped taking count ages ago. Sean, Jason and Dill downed their shots too. I looked around the bar and Anna entered my thoughts. And I couldn't get rid of her!
"Where's my sweet little brother now, Billie?" What the fuck had she meant by that? I sighed mournfully. Her sweet little brother. God, had I ever been sweet? I couldn't even remember. Her sweet little brother was gone. Her sweet little brother was dead. If he'd ever existed, that is.
"Billie?" Sean asked me, "You ok?" I nodded, rubbing my eyes as I slowly came out of my dream. Anna disappeared from the bar.
"Yeah. Year, year, I'm fines." I said, slurring my words a little. "I was... just thinking..." Sean shook his head.
"Whoa, whoa! Less thinking, more drinking, my man!" He grinned. I nodded, laughing, almost falling off the bar stool I was sitting on. Sean steadied me.
"Hey, hey! Careful! You ok?"
"I'm fines." I slurred again. I looked at the bar tender. "Fill it up, goddamit!" I said, indicating the glass. He raised his eyebrows.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" I thought for a second. Maybe I had. I certainly seemed like I had...
"Maybes you's right." I shrugged. But Sean was having none of it.
"Hey! We agreed, whatever he wants." He said, glaring at the bar tender.
"You know, I think maybe I've hads enough." I pondered. I then started laughing again. "I mean, I shouldn't even really be here!" I looked around, "The police will come after me!" I whispered. Sean shook his head and put his arm around me.
"Trust me Billie, you're meant to be here..."
Anna's P.O.V
I heard the phone ring. I heaved myself off the sofa and answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Anna? It's Mike, is Billie there? Someone guy at the restauraunt wants to talk to him." I smiled. Finally, a friendly face. Well, a friendly voice.
"Uh, you just missed him, Mike. He's away out." There was silence. Then Mike asked me, "Out where?" I shrugged.
"Just, out with his friends. His other friends." Mike snorted on the other end of the phone.
"What? You mean Sean, Jason and Dillon? All that lot?" I nodded.
"Yeah." Mike sighed heavily.
"You really think those guys can be trusted?"
"Well, you're working! He can't exactly hang out with you..." Mike sighed again.
"He could if he got a job...." He whistled casually. This is something Mike does when he's nervous.
"I hope he's ok..." He said wistfully.
"Shut up!" I hissed into the phone. "I've been going over the worst scenarios in my head since he left!" Mike did a weird little grunt, just to show he'd heard what I'd said. "Anyway...." I continued, "Who knows? He could be having a blast. Yeah, let's not be negitive.... Stop laughing, Mike! He's probably having a really good time...." Mike stopped laughing a little and he suddenly sounded serious.
"Oh, I'm sure he's having a good time." He paused. "But we all know what a good time is for Billie...."
Billie's P.O.V
Still at the bar. My head's spinning. I feel sick. I have no idea how much I've drunk, but I know it's a lot. All I can see are the dim lights of the pub fading in and out of focus, and all I can hear is the guys, coaxing me on, like they have done all night, "Just one more drink, Billie! One more drink..."
I tried to say no, but no distinguisable words came out. I lay my head down on the counter. The next thing I felt was straight vodka being poured down my throat and up my nose. I coughed and choked. They all laughed at me, as I gagged and spluttered. I whimpered slightly and ran out of the bar. I crashed straight into the door and fell to the floor. More laughter. I saw them all gather around me as I lay, dazed on the ground.
"Jesus, Bill!"
"Watch out for the door next time!"
"Guys, is he still conscious?" Silence, as they all looked at each other.
"Bill! Billie Joe!" Jason slapped my face hard, but I was too wasted to retaliate. I felt them picking me up and carrying me out of the bar. The cold air hit my face, and my surroundings slurred into each other like watercolours. So did my words. I groaned slightly, as they ran back and forth with my body, laughing.
"What are we gonna do with him? He's fucking pissed...."
"We can't take him home, Anna'll kill us..."
"I know, I know."
In here! In here!" They carried me a little further, then dumped me on the cold concrete, laughing their asses off.
"Bye Bill!"
"See ya, sucker!" They all stumbled off back to the bar. I tried to get up and follow them, but I ended up back on the ground on all fours. I started throwing up violently, my body shaking with the effort. I vowed I'd never speak to them again, as I sobbed pathetically on the ground, my head in my hands, my stomach in my throat. This was it. This was how I was going to die.
I then felt whatever strength and sobriety I had left in me ebb away as I blacked out.
Billie's P.O.V
I saw my reflection for the first time in days. It wasn't a pretty sight.
My eyes were swollen from lack of sleep, the anti-depressants I was taking and crying. There were deep purple lines underneath them. My hair was half sticking up, half flattened from where I'd been lying on my pillow. My skin was paler than ever before and my lips were dry and chapped. Not nice.
I splashed my face with cold water in an attempt to tidy myself up a bit. I looked back at my reflection. Great. Now I was soaking wet as well as an emotional wreck. I opened the medicine cabinet and reached for the anti-depressant pills. I swallowed down two, then a third. My eyes travelled wearily back to the mirror. I did a double take.This time, I wasn't the only one in it. My father was standing beside me, a sympathetic smile on his face.
I knew he wasn't real. He was just a hallucination from my anit-depressants. I had grown out of those dreams years ago. That he'd come back to me. But they'd never come true, no matter how many stars I'd wished on. I felt angry tears rolling down my face as this sunk in. I shook my head at his smiling reflection, refusing to believe he was real. Dreams were for rookies, wishes were for rookies. I'd had enough of the Mirror of Erised.
SMASH!!!
Shit. I hadn't meant to do that. I looked down at the smashed mirror, its broken pieces strewn on the floor, shattered by my blow. I was stronger than I thought. Why couldn't I do that to my stepdad when he tried to attack me?
I slid down the bathroom wall to the floor, nursing my knuckles, which were starting to ache from my punch. I picked up a splinter from the remains of the mirror, studied it for a second, then tossed it aside. Fantastic. Five years of bad luck to come. Well, five more years....
I came to the conclusion that I needed out of the house. I needed air, I needed to breathe again. Staying here, slumped on the floor, was just going to make me feel depressed. And I'd had enough of feeling depressed.
Anna's P.O.V
I sat slumped on the sofa, flicking through the channels, kidding myself that there might be something interesting on. My heart skipped a beat as I heard movement from upstairs. Billie was out of bed! He'd been lying dormant for almost two weeks now, curtains closed, refusing to eat, the usual drill for September. But he was up and moving about. I heard him pad down the stairs, sighing to himself. I heaved myself off the sofa and greeted him in the hallway.
"Hey." I said, smiling at him. He raised his eyebrows at me, a small smile on his face.
"Hi." I looked around the house for a second, then back at him.
"So, uhh, you're up!" Billie shrugged.
"Apparantly."
"So you wanna come have something to eat? Watch TV for a bit?" Billie shook head, scratching his head at the same time.
"Yeah. I was actually gonna go out..." I grinded my teeth. I knew what "Going Out" meant for Billie. It meant seeing some guys in a bar or trailer park and coming back wasted. Billie shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Book me in advance next time."
"So, see you later?" He started for the door. I rolled my eyes and took a catious step towards him, as he fiddled with the lock mom had always told us to leave alone when she was out. But Billie was never one for playing by the rules.
"Billie, you're not going anywhere! Leave the lock alone..."
"Or what?" Billie said, once he had succeeded in opening the door, turning around to face me. "You're not mom. You can't order me around like I'm some little kid..."
"You ARE a little kid!" I yelled. "You're 5ft 3 and fifteen years old!" Billie rolled his eyes. Then a black jeep pulled up outside the house, The Misfits blaring out of the wound down windows. Sean, one of Billie's friends, poked his head outside.
"Oi! Billie!" He yelled, "You coming?" Billie looked at Sean and then at me.
"Yeah." He said, looking at me as he said it. I folded my arms, glaring at the jeep.
"What the hell are they doing here?"
"I called them." Billie said simply. I sighed.
"You really believe they're your friends, Billie?"
Maybe not." He snapped at me. "But they have fake IDs, and that's all I want right now." I rolled my eyes.
"Where's my sweet little brother now, Billie?" I asked him, causing him to sigh impaitently and scuff his shoes. "The one who used to sing in the shower and play guitar in his room?Sometimes you'd even let me watch you play." Billie sighed.
"That was a long time ago Anna." I lowered my voice.
"You haven't touched that thing since Brad arrived on the scene."
"It's not about that!" Billie hissed, his voice toning down subconciously. He shrugged his shoulders, "I'm not that good anyway..."
"BILLIE!?" Billie's head snapped back to the jeep. Sean honked the horn. He looked back at me.
"Stay out of trouble, Anna." He said, smirking at me. I scoffed in disgust. He screwed my nose, laughed lightly and made his way up to the jeep. All his friends cheered as he got in. He raised his eyebrows once at me, then the jeep went speeding off, no doubt to some bar in Rodeo. I sighed and went back inside, slamming the door.
I settled back on the sofa. I had a love hate relationship with my brother. I used to love him, but now I hated him. Well, I hated what he'd become.
An Alcoholic.
The words were on the tip of my tongue every time I saw him, but I didn't dare saw anything. I knew he'd either snap at me and deny it, or laugh it off with some weird joke I didn't get. Or maybe, just maybe, he'd actually admit it...
I felt tears fall out of my eyes as I realised I used to know my brother like the back of my hand. But I didn't know him at all anymore. We used to be inseparable. We'd made a pact when dad died to stick together no matter what. But Billie had since broken that pact. He never talked about dad anymore, and whenever I tried to bring him up, he ignored me.
Billie's P.O.V
I downed my, god, what number was I on now? I stopped taking count ages ago. Sean, Jason and Dill downed their shots too. I looked around the bar and Anna entered my thoughts. And I couldn't get rid of her!
"Where's my sweet little brother now, Billie?" What the fuck had she meant by that? I sighed mournfully. Her sweet little brother. God, had I ever been sweet? I couldn't even remember. Her sweet little brother was gone. Her sweet little brother was dead. If he'd ever existed, that is.
"Billie?" Sean asked me, "You ok?" I nodded, rubbing my eyes as I slowly came out of my dream. Anna disappeared from the bar.
"Yeah. Year, year, I'm fines." I said, slurring my words a little. "I was... just thinking..." Sean shook his head.
"Whoa, whoa! Less thinking, more drinking, my man!" He grinned. I nodded, laughing, almost falling off the bar stool I was sitting on. Sean steadied me.
"Hey, hey! Careful! You ok?"
"I'm fines." I slurred again. I looked at the bar tender. "Fill it up, goddamit!" I said, indicating the glass. He raised his eyebrows.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" I thought for a second. Maybe I had. I certainly seemed like I had...
"Maybes you's right." I shrugged. But Sean was having none of it.
"Hey! We agreed, whatever he wants." He said, glaring at the bar tender.
"You know, I think maybe I've hads enough." I pondered. I then started laughing again. "I mean, I shouldn't even really be here!" I looked around, "The police will come after me!" I whispered. Sean shook his head and put his arm around me.
"Trust me Billie, you're meant to be here..."
Anna's P.O.V
I heard the phone ring. I heaved myself off the sofa and answered it.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Anna? It's Mike, is Billie there? Someone guy at the restauraunt wants to talk to him." I smiled. Finally, a friendly face. Well, a friendly voice.
"Uh, you just missed him, Mike. He's away out." There was silence. Then Mike asked me, "Out where?" I shrugged.
"Just, out with his friends. His other friends." Mike snorted on the other end of the phone.
"What? You mean Sean, Jason and Dillon? All that lot?" I nodded.
"Yeah." Mike sighed heavily.
"You really think those guys can be trusted?"
"Well, you're working! He can't exactly hang out with you..." Mike sighed again.
"He could if he got a job...." He whistled casually. This is something Mike does when he's nervous.
"I hope he's ok..." He said wistfully.
"Shut up!" I hissed into the phone. "I've been going over the worst scenarios in my head since he left!" Mike did a weird little grunt, just to show he'd heard what I'd said. "Anyway...." I continued, "Who knows? He could be having a blast. Yeah, let's not be negitive.... Stop laughing, Mike! He's probably having a really good time...." Mike stopped laughing a little and he suddenly sounded serious.
"Oh, I'm sure he's having a good time." He paused. "But we all know what a good time is for Billie...."
Billie's P.O.V
Still at the bar. My head's spinning. I feel sick. I have no idea how much I've drunk, but I know it's a lot. All I can see are the dim lights of the pub fading in and out of focus, and all I can hear is the guys, coaxing me on, like they have done all night, "Just one more drink, Billie! One more drink..."
I tried to say no, but no distinguisable words came out. I lay my head down on the counter. The next thing I felt was straight vodka being poured down my throat and up my nose. I coughed and choked. They all laughed at me, as I gagged and spluttered. I whimpered slightly and ran out of the bar. I crashed straight into the door and fell to the floor. More laughter. I saw them all gather around me as I lay, dazed on the ground.
"Jesus, Bill!"
"Watch out for the door next time!"
"Guys, is he still conscious?" Silence, as they all looked at each other.
"Bill! Billie Joe!" Jason slapped my face hard, but I was too wasted to retaliate. I felt them picking me up and carrying me out of the bar. The cold air hit my face, and my surroundings slurred into each other like watercolours. So did my words. I groaned slightly, as they ran back and forth with my body, laughing.
"What are we gonna do with him? He's fucking pissed...."
"We can't take him home, Anna'll kill us..."
"I know, I know."
In here! In here!" They carried me a little further, then dumped me on the cold concrete, laughing their asses off.
"Bye Bill!"
"See ya, sucker!" They all stumbled off back to the bar. I tried to get up and follow them, but I ended up back on the ground on all fours. I started throwing up violently, my body shaking with the effort. I vowed I'd never speak to them again, as I sobbed pathetically on the ground, my head in my hands, my stomach in my throat. This was it. This was how I was going to die.
I then felt whatever strength and sobriety I had left in me ebb away as I blacked out.