Smiling at Everything

Jazz dropped her three suitcases on the floor of the tour bus and collapsed onto the couch. The goodbyes were finally over and the bands were headed for the first venue, which they wouldn't reach till the next day. Jazz could feel the anticipation welling in her. This would be their first live performance since a couple of months before the twins were born. It was hard to believe it had been almost a full year since they last performed.

The keyboardist sighed, letting music selections run through her head. When she had more energy, she would pull her travel keyboard out of its container and run through the songs from their most recently released album.

"Already missing your boyfriend, Jazz?" Lestat teased, walking onto the bus and dropping his bags near Jazz's.

Rian, Dante, and Zack followed after him, dropping their suitcases on the floor of the living room and kitchen area. Jazz made a mental note to make sure they picked those up after they all got some rest. Being the only girl on the bus did not mean their living conditions would be filthy.

"Why don't you go practice auto-erotic asphyxiation to your girlfriend's picture and not allow yourself to regain proper breathing," Jazz returned, smile plastered on her face.

"How can she say that with a smile on her face?" Rian whispered to Zack.

"Its one of the many quirks of Jazz," Zack replied, voice equally low.

"Jazz, there's no reason to get confrontational about this," Dante said, "We support you in your cougar-like ways."

"Power to the cougars," Lestat raised a fist in the air.

Jazz groaned, "I did not get enough sleep to deal with you jackasses today."

"You never sleep," Lestat responded.

He found it odd that she rarely did. The number of times he had seen Jazz asleep could be counted on one hand. One of those times was on the airplane ride headed towards the To Write Love On Her Arms music festival where Jack and Arpeggio became a couple. Actually, the only times he had ever seen her sleeping were on airplanes. Any time she slept at someone's house, she was the last one to fall asleep and typically the first one to wake up. Jazz sleeping was a rare sight.

But no one questioned her lack of sleep. In fact, no one in the band thought anything of it. Jazz never slept and that was that.

"I should start so I don't have to deal with you two during your every waking moment," Jazz said.

"You drink too many energy drinks to sleep," Dante stated, yawning.

"And you don't drink enough to stay awake."

"Because I find sleep to be useful to my productivity."

"So it helps you say 'shut up' everyday?"

Dante sneered at Jazz; she smiled her normal, fake, dimpled smile in return. She was too tired to be dealing with him, or anyone for that matter. After getting a small amount of sleep, her body yearned for more, beg for it with force that could only be solved by drinking more than her normal mix of three energy drinks. Having an argument with Dante and Lestat took more out of her than it would have if she hadn't slept the night before. But she had to keep up her façade.

"No comeback?" Jazz asked.

Dante rolled his eyes, and began walking toward the bunk area, "I'm going to sleep like a normal person," he paused at the entrance to the bunks and glanced at his watch, "Oh, you may want to call your boyfriend before his bedtime. When is that, five?"

With that, Dante disappeared through the entrance of the bunk area to claim his spot and sleep. Lestat laughed, following Dante out of the living room area of the bus.

"Wow," Rian mumbled.

Dante and Lestat ganging up to tease Jazz was not something he expected. Rian was rarely around the RxN members, finding he had little reason to be around them. But, from what he saw, it didn't seem like Dante or Lestat were anything other than serious. Apparently, they had their moments too.

However, he knew this was the calmer bus and he was relieved to be there.

Jazz made a noise, confirming that she heard Rian but had no legitimate response. Dante and Lestat were joking, she knew that. They would never attack her in that way seriously. They were friends, band mates, and basically family.

"Well, I'm going to take a nap. This morning was brutal," Rian said.

He left through the entrance the bunk area, leaving Jazz and Zack alone in the living room area. Zack shrugged and sat on the couch next to Jazz. Jazz let her smile drop once Rian was out of the room. There was no reason to keep up the façade with Zack around.

"I guess it's just you and me then," Zack stated.

"You're not tired?" Jazz asked.

She had woken him up earlier that morning with her nightmare. Even after she assured him he could go back to sleep, it took him almost two hours to get back to the state of even breathing and calm. Then they had the photo shoot. He had to be tired.

"I'm exhausted," Zack replied.

"And you're not going to sleep why?"

Zack shrugged, "I don't want you to have to stay awake alone. We're not performing till tomorrow anyway; I don't need to sleep right now."

"You don't have to stay up with me," Jazz stated.

It was sweet of him. Jazz's heart was thrashing in her chest, hitting her ribcage violently. A giddy feeling washed over her, similar to the one she got when she had her first boyfriend. She liked Zack and he was showing her attention; her body was reacting naturally to that.

But she would feel bad about keeping him from sleep.

"I know but I want to," Zack said.

"But you could take a nap. I don't mind staying up on my own."

Well, she did mind staying up on her own sometimes. When she was alone, memories were more likely to fill her mind. If she had someone else around, it was easier to keep the memories at bay. Even if no one knew what happened, keeping engaged in conversation sometimes helped her stay mildly sane. However, she could never force someone to stay up with her.

Plus, her memories were coming at much more frequency than they used to. The safe things that once helped her overcome being consumed by memories didn't help anymore. She was beginning to yearn for razorblades more and more knowing they were the only thing to keep her from jumping from the ledge of a building during high school.

"I mind you staying up alone," Zack returned.

He didn't like knowing she would just be sitting on the couch by herself. Knowing and seeing as much as he had, he couldn't leave her alone. She wasn't safe by herself, he was convinced of that. But he also knew he couldn't stay awake as much as she did. He would try to fight off exhaustion as long as he could to keep her company.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Jazz asked.

Zack let his mind search for an appropriate answer. He didn't want to lie, nor did he want to completely half-ass an answer. Jazz deserved to know why she was getting so much of his attention.

"I like you, Elvis," Zack stated, "and I want you to open up to me. It scares me, what you're doing to yourself. It's like you don't realize that you're hurting yourself with the things you do. You can't keep whatever this is pent up inside of you. I can't be with you if you keep this in, especially since I know something is wrong."

Jazz stared at Zack, heart beating the fastest it had in a long time. Did he really just say that?

"What?" Jazz asked.

"You have a genius IQ; I'm sure you understood what I just said."

"I do but it's just," Jazz paused, "you like me."

"That's what I said."

"You mean in the romantic sense?"

"Yes, Elvis."

"Even though you know as much as you do know about me?"

She was sure that all of her secrets would push anyone away. The fake smiles, nightmares, spacing out, things she refused to talk about; it couldn't be remotely attractive to Zack.

"I like the real you more than the fake one," Zack stated.

Jazz stayed silent, biting her lip and staring at Zack. He liked her; he really liked her. Not the way her past boyfriends and girlfriends did. He wanted to be with her beyond the physical level. No one had ever felt that way for her.

Maybe she could open up to him a little more.

"So you're staying up with me?" Jazz asked, breaking the silence.

Zack nodded. Jazz stood from her seat, walking to her smallest suitcase and unzipping it. She pulled the top of the suitcase open, revealing the large amount of energy drinks packed together.

"You want an energy drink then?" Jazz asked.

Zack leaned forward to see inside the suitcase. His eyes widened at the sight of so many highly caffeinated beverages in one area.

"Holy shit," he mumbled.

No wonder the suitcase was so heavy.