Smiling at Everything

Jazz and Zack inhabited the living room area of the parked bus, both on the couch. Zack was lying down with his head in Jazz's lap. Jazz ran her fingers through Zack's hair, eyes scanning his sleeping face.

She refused to let him sleep during the early morning hours for the most part. Anytime he would drift off in the middle of a sentence, she would poke him till he woke up again. It had only been to keep herself from cutting for the first half hour, after that she just wanted to spend time with him. They had moved to the couch when Zack realized she wasn't going to let him rest. It wasn't long before he fell asleep, and Jazz decided Zack should sleep.

They had to perform that night. He needed his sleep.

Jazz learned a lot about Zack during the night. The more he exposed his life story to her, the more she adored him. Any question she asked, he answered truthfully. He was less foreign to her now, much more inviting than he had been, even during the day before. She could feel herself wanting to open up to him. Being shunned by him was the least of her worries. Zack wouldn't hate her over the past, she was sure of it now. She had come close to telling him about the past, the events that scarred her for life.

But she got too nervous. Even though she was convinced he wouldn't hate her, Jazz didn't want to admit to the things that happened to her. She didn't want those details to meet Zack's ears. She had talked about them enough times in court.

The bus door slid open, drawing Jazz's attention away from Zack and her wonderings. Loud food steps that could only be placed with Dorian scrambled up the steps.

"Jazz," he yelled.

Immediately after the call left his lips, he stopped in his tracks, staring at Jazz and Zack. Dorian scrunched up his nose.

"Ew, Jazz. Do it in the back room," Dorian said.

"What are you harassing her about," Neon's voice carried into the bus.

"Jazz is getting oral in the living room."

Neon and Alex appeared on the bus, wide-awake twins in their arms. Neon's eyebrows drew together. They didn't look like they were doing anything. Zack actually looked dead to the world.

"He's asleep," Jazz defended.

"Your man can't even stay up through it? Jazz, you need to reconsider your standards," Dorian stated.

"Dorian, hush," Neon commanded, "Jazz, I wanted to know if you could take care of the twins while Alex and I go to a meeting with the other lead singers?"

"Sure thing," Jazz said, fake dazzling smile on her face.

"Are you sure? If you're busy with Zack, I can ask Lestat to stop stuffing his face to take care of them."

"Neon, I can handle it. Zack just didn't get much sleep last night. Plus, they like me more."

"They're too fascinated with the bus to care who's with them," Alex stated.

It was true. Both twins were staring around the bus, whipping their heads from side to side to get a good view of everything. They were adorable in their childish fascination for the world around them. So innocent.

Jazz didn't want them to lose that until the time was right. She didn't want anyone to steal that from them. Not like how it was stolen from her. Jazz was protective of the twins; she always would be.

"Well, they still like me more. Hand them over so you're not late," Jazz said.

"Thanks," Neon smiled, walking the short expanse of the living room and placing Novella at Jazz's feet.

Alex followed his wife, walking to the couch and placing Armand next to his sister. Both babies were still too distracted by their new surroundings to take notice of their favorite babysitter.

"We'll be back in about an hour," Neon said.

"Sounds good," Jazz returned.

Neon and Alex gave one last parting "thank you" before leaving the bus. Dorian stayed in his spot, hip cocked to the side, one hand resting on it.

"Are you staying, love-muffin?" Jazz asked, voice full of false pep.

"I would but I'm going to go stuff my face with Lestat, Dante, and Rian," Dorian stated, "What do you want me to pick up for you that doesn't include caffeine?"

"World domination with a side of rubber ducks."

"Delicious," Dorian licked his lips.

He knew what she wanted to eat. Dorian typically was the one to pick up her food if she wasn't leaving the bus. Her default food was a grilled chicken sandwich with a salad as a side.

"That it is," Jazz stated, "So go get it before I attack you ninja style."

Dorian didn't move. Instead, he glanced at Zack, whose eyes were still closed, and smirked.

"What?" Jazz asked.

"Nothing," Dorian shrugged, "I just love how you don't deny that he's your man."

Dorian walked off the bus once his comment was in the open, leaving Jazz in shock. She didn't deny that she and Zack were an item, that Zack was hers. That was a first for her. She normally did keep the record clear, didn't let her friends assume she was with someone when she wasn't. But she hadn't when Dorian accused her of being with Zack. Maybe she just brushed over Dorian's accusation when he made it. Maybe she was too tired to concentrate.

Maybe Jazz wanted Zack to be hers.

"Why are Alex's twins on the floor?" Zack's voice cut through her thoughts.

Jazz looked down at Zack. He stared back at her, eyes heavy lidded, mind begging for more sleep. Zack had woken up sometime during Jazz's musings and noticed the twins seated at her feet. He was going to ignore them and go back to sleep but he wanted to make sure that Jazz was okay. It was never good for her to space out.

"Neon asked me to take care of them while she and Alex attended some meeting with the lead singers of the other bands," Jazz answered.

"Do you always baby sit them?" Zack asked, sitting up.

Jazz nodded. Finally realizing who was taking care of them, Armand tugged at her leg, gurgling. Novella noticed his actions and turned around, a smile springing to her face when her eyes landed on Jazz. The keyboardist leaned down, grabbing Armand first and placing him on her lap. She leaned down again, this time picking up Novella.

"How are you two doing?" Jazz cooed.

The twins immersed in a series of indistinguishable babble. Jazz pretended to listen intently as they talked.

"Why do they like you so much?" Zack asked.

He noticed before that the twins seemed to favor Jazz over their parents from time to time. There had to be something more to it that Jazz being who she was. She was attractive and great at pretending to be happy but he was sure that wasn't the reason behind their love for her.

"I can relate to them," Jazz said.

"You can relate to babies?"

"I just know what its like for people to completely disregard anything I do as being part of my character."

Babies cry because babies cry; Jazz smiles constantly because Jazz smiles constantly. To other people there was no reason behind it beyond lack of communication skills or emotional variation. But to Jazz and the twins, everything they did had meaning.

"Not everyone disregards the things you do," Zack pointed out.

"But no one understands fully. No one can understand fully."

"If you would let me in, I could."

"I don't know how to let you in," Jazz admitted, "I don't know what to tell you. Its scary that I can even consider letting you in but I can't even fathom how to tell you the reasoning behind why I can't sleep or why I drink so many energy drinks or why I resort to pretending I'm happy or why I started cutting."

"Jazz, just tell me what happened to you."

"I don't know where to start."

"Anywhere. Start anywhere."

Zack was desperate. She was so close to telling him. He didn't care if she just told him part of the story. Anything was enough to let him in on why she acted the way she did.

He watched Jazz nibble on her bottom lip, eyes swimming with thoughts. Could she do this? Would she be able let him in? Or would she make him wait longer?

"Do you want to talk about this now?" Zack asked.

Jazz took a breath, reminding herself that Zack was a good guy. It would be okay to tell him. She could trust him.

"Yeah," Jazz replied, "I'd like to talk about it now."