Smiling at Everything

The sound of his voice made her want to melt in her seat. Out of the men and women she had dated in the past, that never happened to her. She never cared about her past relationships; they were just there to make her seem okay. Those were short because she refused to have sex with them; they would call her a prude but they didn't understand. It was a waste of time to try to make them understand.

"Hey, Zack," Jazz piped.

"I like your shirt," Zack said.

It wasn't the best conversation starter but he was trying. He knew it came off a bit middle school-like. But he did like the shirt. It looked good on her. Anything looked good on her.

"Thanks. Neon and I bought it in high school," Jazz said.

If it had been any other person, she would have mumbled a "thanks" and gone to the bathroom to cry in the corner farthest from the door. She knew where people were looking when they complimented her shirt; she wasn't stupid. But she kept wearing the slightly revealing clothing because that's how her friends knew her. If she were to show up in an oversized shirt and baggy pants, they would question her.

"I never pegged you as an Ozzy Osbourne fan," Zack said.

"Are you serious? Ozzy is fucking crazy; I'm obviously pretty crazy. I think it's fitting that I'm a fan. Not that I would ever bite the head off a dove or anything."

"You're not crazy."

"Would you like to take that opinion up with my band mates? I'm sure they'll disagree."

Zack shook his head, "You're not."

"Why do you say that?" Jazz asked, "Even I'm willing to admit I'm off the wall. You don't need to be nice and lie to me."

"I'm not stupid. That bubbly persona of yours is fake."

Jazz could feel a hint of panic inside of her. Did he really know? Or was he just taking a stab in the dark? He barely knew her; he wouldn't have been able to see through her constant happiness. Her best friends couldn't.

Jazz kept the smile plastered on her face. She wasn't going to let it drop and have him know she knew what he was referring to.

"What are you talking about?" Jazz asked.

"No one is that happy all the time. You're hiding something," Zack explained.

Jazz stayed quiet, tilting her head to the side and crinkling her nose. While she was pretending to be confused on the outside, she was desperately trying to find ways to prove him wrong.

It was stupid for her to be scared of someone finding out what happened years ago. She knew that. But she couldn't help feeling scared. There were so many possible ways the situation could turn out.

Her friends wouldn't hate her, she was pretty positive of that. They would expect her to tell the fans though. Arpeggio and Neon were forced to reveal their secrets; they would force her to. This was harder to talk about than anorexia and suicide. This wasn't about the self-inflicted pain she put on herself in high school, the pain that she still had scars from. This was about what caused her to hurt herself. This was about why she couldn't have sex without feeling disgusting. This was about why she acted hyperactive all the time to hide her real feelings.

This was about why she felt dirty constantly.

"I'm right, aren't I? You're still smiling and being cute but something in your eyes changed," Zack said.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Jazz replied, still smiling.

Zack shrugged, "Whatever you say."

He wasn't going to push her to tell him. He wanted her to trust him enough to tell him. She obviously hadn't told her friends about whatever it was that caused her to feel the need to pretend. Anytime he talked to the band about her, they described her as naturally hyperactive. There was more to her than that. There had to be.

She wasn't a wall; she had emotions.

"Alright, guys," Grim said, pulling everyone's attention to the front of the room where he and Matt stood, "We called this meeting to discuss possible tour options."

"This was a meeting?" Jazz asked, "Dorian, you hooker, you lied to me."

"I didn't know. I was deceived," Dorian exclaimed.

"Back to the point," Dante pushed.

Jazz forced herself to stay focused, bouncing Armand on her knee to make sure he stayed quiet. She hated touring; she really did. She loved performing and she loved the fans but she didn't enjoy having to fake emotions for long periods of time. Nor did she enjoy trying to stay awake on a tour bus with nothing to do.

"You guys will be joint-headlining the tour. The last band to perform will switch between RxN and All Time Low," Matt said, "Who performs last at each venue has been decided already and you guys will have a schedule on the tour buses."

"We have two bands to be the openers and the posters that will be hung around the venues have already been made. We leave in three days so be ready. There will be a photo shoot for band posters that will be sold at each merch booth. Joseph is working on the ideas. The shoot will be before we leave," Grim said.

"LOVE 146 and To Write Love On Her Arms are the two organizations that we're sending part of the merch booth profits to. The heads of both organizations may want to meet with you soon to discuss the tour," Matt stated.

"We know we're informing you a little late but we didn't get the full details till recently," Grim said, "Do you guys have any questions?"

"How are the buses going to be set up?" Alex asked.

"We understand that you and Neon have kids so we wanted to keep you on the same bus. We're expecting you to take your children with you on tour. There will be five people on the All Time Low and RxN buses, not counting the babies," Matt stated.

"We were thinking Alex, Neon, Arpeggio, Jack, and Dorian on one bus. Rian, Zack, Dante, Lestat, and Jazz on the second," Grim said.

Jazz's mind nearly shut down at the idea. She would be the only girl on a bus full of men. She couldn't handle that. Men were her enemy. She knew the band members were her friends, that she should trust them, but they couldn't be trusted. They were still men.

"Why couldn't I be on the same bus as Arpeggio and Neon?" Jazz asked.

"Because we can't put Dorian on a bus with Dante and Lestat. All hell would break loose," Grim answered, "Anymore questions?"

"We have fridges on these buses, right?" Dante asked.

There had been at least one occasion where RxN couldn't afford the buses on the nicer end of the spectrum. They had the money now though.

"Yes, you do. And a microwave. So stack up on food. We'll have time over the course of the tour to go grocery shopping but its better to be prepared," Grim said.

"How long is this tour?" Neon asked.

"Two months. It’s a short tour but we felt it would be okay. The fans have been begging for you all to go on tour again," Matt said.

Two months. Jazz would have to fake happy for two months. It wasn't as long as some tours but lately things had been getting out of hand in her mind. She couldn't control when the memories would surface nor could she control her nightmares. Not like she used to. But she had a helper back then, her razor blades. No memories ever surfaced over the pain she felt when she used to cut her skin.

She didn't do that anymore. After passing out from blood loss and waking up in a puddle of her own blood more than once, she decided it was time to stop. It took her awhile but she did stop. She wasn't going to go back to that just to survive a tour.

At least, she didn't think she would.

Zack watched the change in Jazz's posture. It wasn't anything drastic, just a slight slouch to her otherwise perfect posture. Her smile looked forced, more so than usual, and her eyes were dull.

Something was wrong with her. He wanted to know what it was. He felt a need to help her.

Zack didn't know how he became attracted to Jazz. He didn't go for bubbly girls. They grated his nerves no matter how pretty they were. Somewhere down the line, after hearing Jazz's ridiculous comments and seeing her fake her happiness, he started becoming attracted to her. He didn't see her faking as something she was doing just to do. She was trying to hide something from everyone and she was doing a damn good job.

He would find out. He had a whole tour to get her to confide in him. And he would take the challenge if that was what it took to be with her.