29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

I saw a light ahead. I knew that if I didn’t follow it, then I would probably die. I held my breath as I swam to the surface. My lungs strained for air, but I couldn’t give up yet. The light seemed to be getting further and further away. No, I need to get to the top. Suddenly, my lungs gave out and I began to float in the immense emptiness. I’d given up, why would I give up? I wanted this, I wanted to make it.

Then I saw a movement in the distance. Alex’s face appeared before me, floating in the deep blue with me. Stay with me, he mouthed to me. What does he mean stay with me? I don’t want to stay with him, I want to be alone, I want to get to the surface. I started to swim again, determination flowing through my veins. I need to get to the surface. I turned back before I reached the surface. I saw Alex floating below me, his face looking completely heartbroken. Why is he so upset? I turned my back to him and burst through the surface.

I woke up gasping for breath. That has got to be the weirdest dream I’ve ever had. Why did Alex look like that when I left him? He looked like someone killed his heart. I pulled the covers off and walked into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, I barely recognized my reflection. My normally bright eyes were dulled by black circles under them. My face looked tired and my hair looked lackluster. I looked wore out. I turned around and headed into the shower. Maybe the hot water will help ease the confusion in my head.



I walked into the kitchen after having gotten dressed. I found Alex leaning against the counter sipping a cup of coffee as usual. I grabbed a bowl of cereal and hopped up on the counter across from him. I don’t know what I should do. Should I be nice and say thank you for the bed? That is how my parents taught me to be after all. Or should I continue being rude? I’m confused. Why does he keep being nice? I’ve treated him bad, acted weird, and did things that normal people shouldn’t do, yet he continues to be nice. Is he trying to mess with my head? I can’t wrap my mind around it. Alex set his cup of coffee down in the sink and started to walk past me to get to the living room. I jumped off the counter and did the first thing I could think of, I gave him a hug.

“What’s this for?” he said suspiciously. I didn’t say a word, I just clung to him. He slowly loosened up and wrapped his arms around me too. He smelled like rain and sunshine, if you know what I’m talking about. I started to relax a little. He was actually comforting. Crap, this might be sending him the wrong message. I let go and stepped away from him.

“What was that for?” he asked. He’s standing too close; I did send him the wrong message.

“It’s just a thank you. Don’t read anything into.” I said and turned on my heel and left to go to the library. I need to do a paper and clear my head.



I walked through the cold November air to get to my apartment. I’d gone to the grocery store so I had a bunch of bags. I should have called one of my friends to help me but I didn’t want to burden them with walking through the snow with me.

“Hey!” someone yelled as I walked past. I turned around and saw the Starbucks guy running towards me. What’s his name again? Oh crap. Wait, its Jared I think.

“Hi.” I said as he came to a stop in front of me.

“Hi. Aren’t you that girl who works at Starbucks? Arley, right?” he said, slightly out of breath. He looked extremely hot with slightly baggy jeans and a sweater that hung deliciously from his shoulders. He looked modelesque.

”Yeah and you’re Jared right?” I said flirtatiously. He already gave me his number, why not flirt with him?

“Wow, who are you trying to feed, the nation?” he laughed as he looked at all my groceries. “Do you need help?”

“I would love some, thank you.” I said and gave him some bags. I still had the majority, but some help was still great. He just rolled his eyes and grabbed the rest of the bags from me. He started walking before I could try to grab the bags from him.

“Are you coming?” he said as he looked over his shoulder. I hurried forward and wrapped my coat closer to my body.

“Thanks.” I said when I got into hearing range.

“It’s no problem, really. So, where are you going with these?”

“Home. I did some grocery shopping after class, so that’s where I’m going.”

“Sweet. Well, lead the way.” He said with a smile. A breathtaking smile by the way. I started walking towards our apartment with a smile on my face. I guess I really am meant to call him.



“Yeah, and then I grabbed him by the hair and said ‘If you think you’re going to mess with me, I’m going to mess you up!’ and slammed him to the ground. I curb stomped him and then he went unconscious.” He said as I unlocked the door to our apartment. I was laughing so hard though, that I couldn’t stick the key in the hole.

“You curb stomped Barney?! Oh my god, you have the weirdest dreams.” I said once I got us inside and into the kitchen. I put the groceries away while Jared sat on the counter and kept me company with stupid jokes like ‘Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.’ I finished and grabbed two popsicles and gave one to Jared as I sat on the counter opposite of him.

“So, I think we could call this a date, so I should probably get to know you.” He said matter-of-factly. I giggled. He really is forward. He smirked up at me, looking at me from under his eyelashes, and waited for my answer.

“Umm well what do you want to know?”

“Well, how about, what do you do for fun?”

“I hang out with friends, watch T.V., and do normal teenage things. What about you, what do you do?”

“I like to play guitar, watch T.V. and do other normal teenage things.” He said as he laughed.

“Ok, my turn.”

“Wait, since when did we start playing twenty questions?”

“Since now. So, what’s your favorite color?”

“My favorite color?” he laughed. “Well I guess we could do generic questions. Umm, my favorite color is blue. Yours?”

“Purple, but blue is a close second. And I’m sorry that my question isn’t original enough for you.” I giggled.

“It’s fine because I’m going to ask a completely unoriginal question now too. What’s your perfect date?” he said as he looked at his watch.

“Crap, I have to go so this will have to be our last question.” He finished apologetically.

“That’s okay; umm my perfect date would be one that I’d never forget. It doesn’t matter what we do or where we go, I just want every moment to be incredible.” I said as I jumped off the counter to walk him to the door.

“So, what’s your idea of a perfect date?” He turned around as he reached the door.

“Well, I’d have to say that this date has been pretty great, but you know what would make it perfect?” He stepped a little closer, closing the distance between us until the only thing separating us is a few inches filled with tension, and not the angry kind.

“Umm, no what?” I stammered out. My mind had gone fuzzy. I’d been with guys before, but Jared was different. He took suave to a new level.

“A kiss…” he whispered. He put his hand against the back of my neck and pulled my face to his. After only a second of his warm breath fanning across my lips, he pushed our lips together. His lips are so warm and soft, so nice and inviting. His lips left mine as he stepped away. I opened my eyes and saw him smirking down at me.

“See ya, Arley.” He said and turned and left. Oh my god, that guy can kiss. What was I going to do once I got home? Oh yeah, Operation Mr. Potato Head.

Operation Mr. Potato Head: get a couple potatoes, about as many as the people you know, and draw faces on them. Name them after your friends and roommate. Play with them for a while, in front of your roommate. Then one day while your roommate is out, bake the potato named after him or her. When they ask why say it’s because they just didn’t belong.

I grabbed the bag of potatoes and the Sharpies that I bought and set to work.



“Hey Lezlie, how’s it going?” Potato Rebecca said.

“It’s going amazing Becca baby. I love you so much. Kiss me please.” Potato Lezlie said seductively. I smushed their potato faces together and started making kissy noises.

“What are you doing?” The kissy noises died as I turned towards the voice. Alex stood in the doorway of our room with his backpack hanging from his hand.

“Hey, Alex. Do you like my puppets?” I giggled and continued playing. He walked into the room and put his backpack on his bed.

“This one is Rebecca, this one is Lezlie, these three are the triplets, and this one is you.” I said excitedly.

“Oh really?”

“Yup, it’s everyone I know.” I said.

“Ok guys, I have to do laundry so I’ll be back later. I got up and gathered my laundry. My “puppets” had their own little set up in our closet. They have a table, with some beds and their own sectioned off rooms. I made it out of cardboard and brown paper bags.

I turned towards Alex and said “See you later, Alex.” And then left with my clothes for the laundr-o-mat downstairs.



I walked back into the apartment with my arms full of clean clothes. I love the smell of clean clothes. I put them away and then got dressed for bed. I put on some PINK sweats and a tank top. I walked into the living room and turned on one of my favorite movies, Mama Mia. I laid across the couch and started singing along to the opening song.



Sunshine shone against my eyelids, turning them red. I opened my eyes and was blinded by the sun streaming through the window. I sat up and started towards our room. I got to the closet and took out the potatoes and took them to the kitchen. I set up their table on top of the kitchen table, but left out the Alex one. After Mama Mia last night, Alex had come home from a late class, I’m guessing. I made my potato puppets play together in the bathroom. I pretended like they all went to the beach. Then, I put them all to sleep and read them a bed time story. Today is the day of the execution of Potato Alex. I started making some eggs and potatoes with Potato Alex.

“Good Morning? Can I have some?” a sleepy Alex said as he walked through the entrance of the kitchen. He grabbed some coffee and leaned against the counter.

“Sure, I made enough for the both of us.” I said cheerily as I served the plates. We both sat at the table and began to eat.

“Aww, where's the Alex potato?” Alex asked as he examined the potatoes in the middle of the table.

“He just didn’t belong. So, he’s in a better place now.” I said as I put more eggs and potatoes in my mouth. He looked down at his plate with a horrified look on his face. His fork fell out of his hand and clattered on the table. I giggled and picked up my empty plate and walked into our room. I think he got what I implied.