29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

I’m currently sitting at my desk wondering which prank I should pull next. Let’s see, I’ll make a list of all the ones I’ve done so far.

• Operation Mountain Dew Peeing Unicorn
• Operation Little Things
• Operation Pee Wee’s Playhouse (This is where I talked to the furniture.)
• Operation Oh Oh Spaghetti Oh
• Operation I Can See Him, Why Can’t You
• Operation Mr. Potato Head
• Operation Extreme Room Makeover
• Operation Sour Faced

Wow, that’s quite a few but not anywhere close to 29. Hmm, I have no idea which one to do next.

“Whatcha doin’?” Someone said as they put their hands on my eyes. I screamed and jumped out of my seat. I turned around to see the Oberskin triplets standing behind me. I’m guessing that Charlie had snuck up on me because she was closet, then Adeline, then Roger.

“Oh my gosh!” I screamed as I jumped on them. I’m missed them so much. Their parents sent them on a vacation to the Caribbean since it’s been so freaking cold lately.

“I’ve missed you all so much. I can’t believe you’re back, why didn’t you tell me you were coming back so soon?” I screamed as I hovered over them. Yes, I knocked them all down. That means I’m either really talented or I packed on a few extra lbs. I sat on Adeline’s tummy and pushed down the other two whenever they tried to get up.

“So, is this an orgy and if so, why was I not invited?” I heard a voice come from the doorway. Oh gods, it’s guy #2. I really don’t like that guy.

“Because you’re not wanted here, random dude.” Adeline said. She’s the spunkier out of the three, Charlie’s shyer and Roger’s the responsible one. But he still knows how to have fun.

“Ouch, that hurt me deeply. And you are?” Guy #2 said sarcastically.

“I’m Princess Buttercup, from the Sweet Valley of the Traveling Pants.” She replied. Total [i[Easy A movie quote, I love that movie!

“Well your majesty, I request an audience with your lover.” He said. He looked at me and wink. I unwillingly cringed. This guy is just disgusting. I climbed off Adeline and helped Charlie up.

“What do you want…?” I said. I’m still not sure of what his name is and I wasn’t about to call him Guy #2.

“Scott. And I wanted know if you wanted to watch a movie with us.” He leaned against the door in a cocky manner. He thinks he is just all that and a bag of chips, doesn’t he?

“Yeah, sure. We can all watch a movie.” I said as I skirted around him to get out the door.

I walked into the kitchen with Charlie not far behind me. The other two had joined Alex, Mike, and apparently Scott in the living room. I popped some popcorn in the microwave and sat on the counter. Charlie leaned against the same counter and looked at me.

“That Scott guy wants you bad, you know.” She said quietly. Charlie’s usually quiet and very affectionate. I love her, she’s amazing.

“Yeah, I know. What can I do to shake him?” I asked as I grabbed a bowl to put the Kettle Corn in. That’s right, Kettle Corn. The best kinda popcorn there is.

“Well, you could make one of your huge plans that involves a lot of ridiculous and uncalled for things to happen to make him think you’re crazy, or you can simply tell him you’re not interested.” She said, her tone had a loving but matter-of-fact vibe to it.

“Well, we all know which one I’m doing.” I grabbed the bowl and walked into the living room. Alex and Mike were on the couch while Scott was on the love seat. Adeline sat between Alex and Mike and Roger sat on the floor against the couch. Charlie went and sat next to Roger and leaned on him, while I sat in his lap. Scott raised his eyebrows at us, but Roger didn’t seem to notice. He just put his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder. When Roger did that, Scott looked angry. I know what the next prank will be. Operation Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. Yup you guessed it; this has everything to do with sex.

Operation Oh God, Oh God, Oh God: Take a person into your room and proceed to make sex noises really loudly. Make it seem believable. Do this many times and annoy the crap out of your roommate. This is especially good to do if you and your roommate share a room. Lock them out at the most inconvenient times.

I looked through the Premium Channels for something to watch when Alex snatched the remote out of my hand. “Fine, be that way.” I said and I cuddled deeper into Roger.

“Baby,” I said seductively “do you wanna go into the bedroom and maybe have some fun of our own.” I winked at Roger, who looked vaguely surprised. As soon as he saw the wink, he knew I was playing at something so he played along.

“Sure thing, babe.” I whispered into my neck. I jumped up and so did he and he chased me into the bedroom. I turned around to shut the door and saw everyone staring at us with a wide-eyed expression. Scott, however, looked pissed. The weird thing is that Alex looked a little hurt. Hmm, that’s weird.

“Call us when y’all pick a movie.” I said as I shut the door.

“Okay, what the fuck’s going on? Why are you being all seductive, it’s weirding me out.” Poor thing, he looked so confused.

“What, you don’t want me?” I pouted as I slinked up to him.

“You know I would, the only problem is the thing between your legs.” That’s right, you guessed it. Roger’s gay.

“Yeah, I know, but they don’t know that.” I smirked as I locked the door.

“Okay, so this is one of your plans? Alright, I’m game, but we will have to tell Char and Addie.” Only Roger’s allowed to call Adeline that.

“Of course. Now I’ll start making moans and then I’ll cue when you should.” I flopped onto my bed, making sure it made a noise so that our little ‘audience’ could hear us.

“Aww, oh yeah. Oh right there. Please more Roger. More!” I said at a slightly loud tone of voice. My bed room walls are pretty thin, thank goodness I don’t really do anything or else everyone would know. I’m pretty sure they could hear it. Roger jumped onto the bed next to me and waited for me to tell him when. After a few more moans, I motioned for him to start. Roger started executing excellent moans. I looked at him in surprise.

“What? Did you think I was a virgin?” he smirked. He moaned loudly and gave me a devilish grin.

I nudged him and said, “Well, aren’t you a naughty boy?” I then moaned loudly also. Then he started bouncing on the bed, in which I joined in. I moaned in time with the bouncing, trying to make it sound authentic. It’s a little hard to pretend to do something that you’ve never done and do it well. Yup, that’s right, I’m a virgin. And I’m damn proud of it too. We gradually got louder and louder until he decided it was a good time to ‘climax’.

“Ok so you know how to climax right?” he said right after he moaned. I moaned and shook my head say some ‘Oh god, harder’ s. He grunted and we bounced harder. I gave a very pleasure-filled moan, if I do say so myself.

“Okay, just moan really loudly and at a high pitch for a decent amount of time. I'll tell you when to stop, but when you do you have to fade out okay?” He said as he moaned loudly. I nodded my head and bounced harder. He cued me with his hand and I moaned just like he told me to at the same time as him. We stopped bouncing and sat there for a minute. Wow, pretending to have sex is very exhausting.

We walked out to the living room not too long after. I almost burst into a fit of laughter from the looks we got. Alex and Mike were staring at us completely shocked, Alex still looked a little hurt. Adeline and Charlie looked shocked too, but mostly they looked horrified. And Scott, poor Scott, he looked beside himself with anger at Roger. I looked back at Roger and he had a triumphant look on his face. I turned around with a blush on my cheeks, partially because I was acting, but also because they had heard something that they perceived as intimate.

“So, what movie are we watching?” I asked to the shocked crowd in front of me.

“Apparently an audio presentation of Arley in Bed.” Mike said jokingly. Even that couldn’t ease the awkward tension in the room.

I giggled awkwardly and said, “Umm, well does anyone want to go out for coffee?”

“Yes, please.” The triplets said. This is one of those moments when I can’t help but realize how alike they can be.

“Ok, well then let’s go.” I said and left as quickly as I could.



Roger and I dodged questions from his siblings as we walked to the on-campus Starbuck’s. When we stepped in, we were greeted by none other than Lezlie.

“Hey baby dolls, what’s new?” she said when the manager went into the back room.

“Well, apparently, Arley’s banging our brother. And rather loudly at that.” Adeline said. Charlie shuddered and looked at anywhere but us. I just laughed. Roger joined me and soon we were holding our stomachs because of how hard we were laughing.

“Okay, I don’t see how scarring your friends is funny.” Lezlie said. I gasped for breath as Roger fell to all fours, still laughing. I figure, someone has to sober up and give them an explanation.

“Well… you told me that a way to get that Scott guy to leave me alone is to tell him to fuck off or to come up with some ridiculous plan full of uncalled for things. Well, my plan was to make him jealous with Roger. I just happened to have a prank that would also annoy Alex, so it’s a win-win situation.” I said, wiping tears from my eyes. Lezlie and Adeline’s eyes twinkled with mischief while Charlie just looked unamused.

“I know, I’m a genius.” I said.

“Well, as genius as you may be, are y’all gonna order something.” Lezlie laughed.

“Yes, I’ll have a Carmel Frappecino.” I said.

“I’ll take a Pumpkin Spice Latte.” Roger said.

“Give me a green tea Frappecino.” Adeline threw in, much to my distaste.

“Let me get a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream.” Charlie replied as she sat down. Roger and Adeline joined her and Lezlie looked at me amused.

“I guess it’s your treat then.” She laughed as she started making our drinks. I scowled at the others who just looked at me innocently.

“I guess so.” I muttered as I fished into my purse for my wallet. I don’t normally carry these things, purses that is. I always lose them. But I figured I would today and, in the mad dash to get out the house, I just grabbed it as opposed to fishing for stuff like I am now.

Lezlie took her break and brought us our drinks. “And that’s how I almost broke my ankle, but got the hottest ski instructor’s number.” Roger said. We all laughed, including Lezlie who had been listening from behind the counter.

“I can’t believe it.” I laughed out. They had been sharing stories from their trip. Apparently, their parents decided to take them to the Alps for a few days before they went to the Caribbean.

“We don’t really stand much of a chance for guys when he’s around.” Charlie sighed. She’s so incredibly shy; I’ll have to fix her up with someone.

“It’s a good thing I’m in to girls too then huh?” Adeline said. Lezlie came and sat on my lap. I’d been sitting on Roger so that meant twice the weight on him.

“Oh Gods, you two are heavy!” He said as he tried to move into a more comfortable position. We both laughed but didn’t get up.

“Your break is over, Miss Simpson. Please get back behind the counter.” Mrs. Rapt said as she came out of the back door.

“Freakin’ Raptor.” Lezlie muttered as she got off my lap.

“Alright, I guess I’ll catch y’all later then. Byesy.” She said to us and left.

“Ok, so did I tell you about how Charlie almost fell on an urchin?!” Adeline said excitedly. I leaned in close to hear her story.



“Arley!” someone shouted at me. I was standing by a cliff. I looked in front of me to find nothing but a black void. The scenery around me resembled something of the Grand Canyon, only it also looked the edge of the world. I don’t even know where this place is. I've never even heard of such a place.

“Arley!” they screamed again. It sounded like Alex. I walked to the edge and saw nothing. Huh, that’s peculiar. Usually I see people hanging over the edge of the cliff when someone’s calling to me. That's how a dream's supposed to work, isn't it?

“Arley, watch out!” Alex screamed. Oh, there he is. He’s running towards me. It looked like he was running across a desert of some sort. It was just flat and barren earth that stretched on for miles and miles. Suddenly, I felt the ground move beneath me and then I was falling. I grabbed onto the cliff face, trying as hard as I could to not fall. I finally found a random notch on the otherwise flat surface and held on for dear life.

“Arley!” Alex screamed. His voice sounded closer. I continued to cling to the notch, but I could feel my fingers cramping. Why can't this be like a cool dream where I have super powers or something?

“Help me, please.” I yelled back. Now, you’re probably wondering why I would be screaming for help. Well, you know how people say that when you die in a dream, you die for real? Well, I didn’t want to find out if that was true. I look up to see Alex’s terrified face peek over the edge. I hadn't realized how far down I'd fallen until I saw how far up he was.

“Hold on Arley, please hold on!” he yelled as he looked back over the ledge. His eyes looked around frantically; as if he was searching for something.

“I’m slipping.” I screamed desperately. My fingers began to loosen and numb. Alex looked back over the edge desperately before he slowly started lowering himself down towards me.

“What’re you doing?! You’ll fall!” I screamed. If he lowers himself, he'll die for sure. I can't see the bottom so, undoubtedly, he'll die. I may not want him around all the time, but I can't stand to see him die. Especially not because of me.

“Shh, everything’s going to be okay.” He said as he inched closer. One hand held him to the cliff face while the other dangled mere inches from me. He was now over the cliff half way, the edge diggin, what I assume was, painfully into his waist. I could feel my heart pumping into overdrive as the thought of both of us die here crossed my mind. No; something tells me I just gotta trust Alex.

“Grab my hand and use my body to climb up!” he said. I was about to argue until I saw the look in his eyes. So determined, I knew I couldn’t change his mind even if I wanted to. So, I grabbed his hand and started climbing up him. Right as I reached the top, he slipped and fell down the bottomless cavern.

“Alex, no!!” I screamed. I watched him fall to his certain death. He flipped around and faced me, but I couldn't quite make out his facial expressions. However, I knew there wasn't fear in them. It looks almost like relief...

“Alex!” I screamed again, in withering hopes that it would bring him back. It has to bring him back! He can't die like this!

“Arley!” Alex yelled as he shook me awake. I sat up, gasping for breath. I was in my room again, safe and sound in my bed. “Arley, are you okay?” he said. I looked at him I looked him over to make sure he’s alright. That dream was so realistic. But he seemed okay. He stood over me with nothing but worry etched into his face. I guess I'd woken him up because he was only wearing a pair of sleep pants.

“Yeah.” I said hoarsely. I got up and walked into the bathroom. I once again looked like crap. Besides the fact that my hair was in complete disarray, my eyes had dark circles under the again and my face was paler than normal. So, I locked the door, shed my clothes, and stepped under the relaxing spray of the warm shower hoping that would wake me up a little.



“Come on in, honey.” I said to Roger. I don’t know what all these dreams mean, but they are not interfering with my plans. Roger came in and I looked around the apartment for Alex. I found him in the bedroom, studying.

“Hey, Alex? Umm, can I use the room really quick?” I said sweetly. I mean, after all, this won’t work if he won’t leave.

“Sure, I guess." Was his response as he got up and left, leaving behind his work. Perfect, now I can keep him from his work.

“Come on in honey!” I yelled to Roger. Alex passed Roger in the small entryway and realization dawned on his face. That slowly turned to surrender and, what kinda looks like, hurt. Roger waltzed into the room, avoiding contact with Alex rather smoothly, and shut the door behind him.

“Shall we start?” he said seductively.

After several completely hilarious and yet sexually uneventful minutes, Roger and I immerged from the bedroom all out of breath and sweaty. But what I saw waiting for me in the living room really took my breath away. There, seated on my couch, was none other than Jared.

“See, I never thought that you would be the type to do something like this. I guess I was wrong.” Jared said as he glared at me from the couch. Damn it!