29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

“Jared.” I whispered in astonishment. What is he doing here?! If I'd known... He got up and started to leave. I got out of my own head and rushed forward and caught him before he could exit the door. Roger just kinda stared in shock.

“I don’t want to hear what you have to say, Arley. Whatever we had before is over.” He said spitefully as he pulled the door open. Tears started streaming down my face at the sight of him so hurt and angry. It’s all my fault.

“Please, just listen to me.” I said pathetically. He looked back at me and his face softened a little.

“I’ll call you when I’m ready to listen.” He said quietly as he shut the door behind him. I covered my mouth with one hand and clutched my stomach with the other. I think I’m going to be sick. How could I forget about Jared like that? How could I not think that this might get back to him? I know why, because I didn’t think, I just acted. I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door.

I slumped against the door and slid to the floor. I replayed that look in his eyes when I walked out of the bedroom with Roger. That look that said a thousand things, but mostly screamed I hate you. I had hurt him. I really liked him and I had hurt him, so incredibly deeply.

“Arley,” Roger whispered from the other side of the door, “can I come in?” I just let a sob loose and didn’t move. How could I mess everything up so badly?

“I think you’ve done enough damage. Please leave.” Alex said coldly from the other side of the door. I heard Roger sigh before I heard the front door shut. I felt something thump against the door lightly. When I looked down because I saw movement, I saw some fingers sticking under the door. At first I didn’t know what to do, but then I laced my fingers in his. I heard Alex sigh in relief, I think he was thinking I might step on them, and lean his head against the door. I can't say I wasn't half tempted to. I sobbed again, feeling horrible.



It was now three o’clock in the afternoon, officially two hours after the incident. Alex sat on the other side of the door while I wallowed in self-pity for the first hour. And for that entire time, Alex sat outside the door with his fingers laced in my own. It was oddly comforting, but at the same time disturbing. I've been nothing but mean to him and he's still nice to me.

Upon thinking that, I realized that this is all Alex’s fault. If I hadn’t been trying to get him out of the apartment, Jared never would’ve seen/ heard all that. I immediately began making a plan. I need to work faster and harder to get him out. If I want any chance of living a normal college life, roommate free of course, then I have to start breaking out the big guns.

After coming to this realiztion, I got off the bathroom floor and opened the door. There, sitting on the ground in front of me was Alex. I brushed past him without a word and went into my room. I pulled out my list of Ways and began purusing them for anything that might suffice as big enough. Wow, there were a lot of big words in that thought; snaps for me. Oh, here's one, actually there's two that'll work just great:

Operation Where the Fuck is the Seventh One: Gather up nine animals and number them 1,2,3,4,5,6,8,9,10. Purposely miss adding a seventh one. Then set them loose in the house. Leave your roommate to round them all up. They’ll be looking for the seventh one forever.

Operation The Aftermath is Secondary: Throw a party or go on an anger rampage. Then, when your roommate is around, leave so they have to clean up the mess you left behind.

The way I see it, I can borrow the baby ferrets from the Oberskin triplets and let them tear apart the apartment. The triplets have two ferrets that just had a litter of nine ferrets about a month ago so they’re almost old enough to be adopted. Now to start the planning. Oh, this is going to be better than ice cream in the winter!



I walked into the apartment two hours later carrying a moderately huge cage. Every now and then it would give a shudder or a small squeak could be heard. The babies were able to move around, but they couldn't make much more noise than a squeak.

“What is that?” Alex said apprehensively as I rounded the corner to go into the bed room.

“One minute.” I shouted to him as I went to set the cage down in our room. I walked back into the living room, where Alex is, and sat down on the couch. I’m exhausted! Those things are heavy.

“What is that?” he asked again, still looking at the T.V.

“It’s the Oberskins’ ferrets. I offered to watch over them. They’re an endangered species so they’re supposed to raise them and then give them to a breeder so they can rebuild the population. They’re going out of town and they needed someone to watch them so I volunteered.” I said a tad bit out of breath. I had talked to the triplets and they agreed to go along with the plan, though Charlie tried to convince me that it wasn’t Alex’s fault I’m in trouble with Jared. Psh, as if.

“Okay.” He said monotonously. He turned back to the T.V. and continued watching whatever it was he was watching.

“Okay well, I have to go to a late class. It’ll be about four hours since we have a lab after and then I have to jet to the train station. My aunt bought Lezlie, Rebecca, and I round-trip tickets to go to Seattle for the day. I’ll be back by tomorrow morning.” I said as I got up and walked into the room. I grabbed my backpack and jacket. I made sure to pack an over night bag for my “trip” to Seattle. In actuality, I’m only going to Lezlie’s apartment. But if he asks, just in case he sees me, I had to stop off there since she was driving. Everything was so perfectly planned.

Right before I left the room, I opened the gate door to the cage. I pulled the cover up and looked at them. They wore little sweaters with the numbers 1-10 on them, minus the number seven sweater. Everything was set. So I waved them goodbye and walked out the room, leaving the door ajar. If everything goes according to plan, Alex will be swarmed in only a matter of minutes. Life is so good right now.