29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

The light from the window over Alex’s bed blinded me as I tried to open my eyes. My head pounded furiously. I felt hung over even though I’m pretty sure I didn’t have anything to drink. I shielded my eyes with one hand and opened them. Just as I suspected, the shades on the window were completely open. I threw the covers back and scrambled out of bed. I stomped towards the window, jumped onto Alex’s bed and closed the blinds. I made to get off the bed and then realized, Alex’s bed is surprisingly Alex-less. I shook my head, bad move since it was pounding, and jumped down. I grabbed hold of my dresser to keep from falling over when the room suddenly spun. I should probably take it easy.

I somehow managed to get out of the rat’s nest I created in our room and to the living room. I walked into the kitchen and quietly searched for the Advil. Once I found it, I dry swallowed three of them. Then I grabbed a questionably clean cup and filled it with water so I could drink down the pills that were now lodged in my throat. When I turned around, I came face to face with Mike. Well, not quite face to face, seeing as he’s taller than me, but you catch my drift.

“Hey shortie, how’s it rockin’?” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. He looked like he just woke up. He stretched his arms into the air and I noticed for the first time that he’s not wearing a shirt, or pants for that matter, just boxers.

“Well, it’d be better is my head wasn’t trying to explode and you were wearing clothes.” I grumbled and walked around him. I grabbed a bowl out of the cabinet and filled it with cereal. Then I grabbed the milk, sniffed it to make sure it was good, and poured some into my bowl too. I hopped up on the counter before I acknowledged Mike again. He was standing in the same place I left him, swaying slightly.

“You okay?” I asked. He jumped a little and turned to face me.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. I’m just dead tired is all.” I nodded. He grabbed a bowl of cereal and joined me on the counter. He bumped my hip with his, so I bumped him back.

“Scoot over; I’m practically in the sink.” I laughed and bumped him again.

“No and if you don’t stop, you’ll be in the sink for real.” He grumbled something along the lines of bitch so I bumped him into the sink. He wriggled around a little before he began eating again. The sink was empty so it wasn’t really a problem for him to be in it, even if it was a little wet.

“That’s fine; I didn’t want to sit next to you anyways.” He stuck his nose in the air and looked away from me. I laughed at him. The Advil had started to kick in so my headache was soon dying away.

“So, what happened last night? Why do I feel so hung over?” I said to Mike. He whipped his head towards me, eyes half bugged out of his head. “What?” I asked. Why is he looking at me like that?

“You mean to tell me that you don’t remember anything that happened in the past 24 hours?” His bowl started to tip forward due to neglect so I put my finger under it to keep him from wearing his breakfast.

“Nope, now what happened? Was it a wild party? It must’ve been because I don’t even remember going.” I laughed. My laughter died though when I saw that the awestruck face still hadn’t left Mike’s face. “Mike, what happened?” Okay, now I’m started to get a little freaked out. My voice took a serious tone to it.

“Do you remember the fire?” He said. I traced through my memory of yesterday. I was almost late for work, I ran out the door and Mike gave me a ride. When I got to Starbuck’s the building was on fire. Holy cheese sticks Batman! How could I forget that?! I stared at Mike wide-eyed.

“The fire.” I whispered. He nodded and then waved his hand as if to say what else. “Well, I ran in to save Lezlie, but she wasn’t in there. She never was or something like that. And then, I remember going to the ambulance and getting checked over by the EMT. Then, I think we went to the lake close to here, and then…” I trailed off as I realized my memory sort of blurred past that point. I couldn’t make out distinct things and then it suddenly just stopped.

“And then?” Mike asked. I just shrugged my shoulders, my eyes still as wide as saucers. I have no idea what happened after that. “Well, that’s going to make such an interesting morning.” He muttered more to himself than to me. I just ignored him and picked my brain, trying to find the missing part of my day in my memory. I heard a stirring in the living room and then Alex walked in.

“Oh Arley, how’re you feeling?” he said once he realized I was sitting in the kitchen. Is it just me or is it awkward in here? I looked between Alex and Mike. Mike was trying to talk to Alex using his hands and different faces, but every time I looked at him he’d stop. Alex, however, just gazed at him confusedly.

“Fine, why do you ask?” My tone came out rude and suspicious, but do you blame me? I feel like I’m missing a major piece of information here. Alex looked at me in the eye, well more stared into my eyes. I narrowed them and turned to Mike. Mike was still trying to talk to Alex telepathically, but stopped and smiled at me when he noticed me looking again. Yup, it’s definitely awkward in here.

“Well, you weren’t feeling fine just six hours ago. I’m trying to make sure you’re okay.” Alex started laughing, but stopped when he saw that neither Mike nor I was joining him. “Are you okay?”

“I told you, I’m fine Alex. I have no idea what you’re talking about, I was feeling fine just yesterday and I feel fine today. I mean, sure I have a bit of a headache still, but I’m fine.”

“Wait, what did you just say?” he said. I rolled my eyes at him and hopped off the counter. I don’t have the time or the patience to deal with Alex today; I have study to do for my test on Wednesday. I walked around him and headed towards our bedroom so I could get ready. Alex, however, had other ideas. He reached out and grabbed my arm, whirling me around so that I faced him.

I wrenched my arm out of his hand and said “You don’t grab me! Understand.” I stuck my finger in his face, causing him to back up a bit or get poked in the nose. He held his hands up in surrender.

“Yeah, yeah I got it. I just wanted to know what you said, that’s all.” He looked really confused, but determined nonetheless. He’s not going to let this go.

“I said that I felt fine yesterday and I feel fine today, so leave me alone. I have to study, I have a test on Wednesday and I haven’t studied at all.” I turned around and headed for the room once again. Honestly, of all days for Alex to decide to be ridiculously annoying, he chooses the day my head feels like it’s about to spontaneously combust.

“Wait, what day do you think it is?” I stopped in my tracks and gave him a very annoyed look. He just stood there, looking dumbfounded. What the hell is wrong with him? Doesn’t he remember what day it is?! I really don’t feel like dealing with this right now, but at least if I humor him, he might leave me alone.

“It’s Sunday. What the hell is wrong with you, did you fall and bump your head or something?!” I threw my hands into the air and felt a pang in my arm. I looked down to see my arm bandaged. Hmm, I wonder what happened there…

“Arley, it’s Monday.” I stopped walking when I heard him say that. I started laughing. He seriously thinks it’s Monday?! Ha, wow he really must’ve bumped his head. I turned around so I could laugh at his face, but I stopped when I actually looked at him. He’s never looked so serious. I looked to Mike and he nodded, agreeing with Alex. No, it’s Sunday. I came home after hanging out with Mike and fell asleep and woke up today, I just can’t remember because of how stressed I‘ve been. I looked between them, but they looked dead set on this.

I ran into the room and searched for my phone. I always put it under my pillow so it can work as an alarm clock for me. I couldn’t find it as I flipped through my covers. They’ve got to be playing a joke on me.

‘Then why are you all bandaged up? Where’d that come from?’ a small, serious voice said in the back of my head. I started looking for my phone more frantically. My head began to pound again, but I ignored it. I must’ve fallen or something when I got home and bandaged it before I went to sleep.

'Then where’s your phone? How’d you bandage it by yourself, you hate blood?’ the same voice said. I ran out into the living room to find Alex holding my phone. I grabbed it out of his hand and powered it up. The first thing I saw was about twenty missed messages and six missed calls. I had six voicemails to go with those calls, but I wasn’t worried about that at the moment. I out all the notification to see Monday, November 16th. I covered my mouth with my hand as I checked my email and my Facebook, both reading the same thing. What the hell happened that I can’t remember an entire day?!

“Alex?” I whispered. I turned around to find him standing behind me. He looked ready to catch me, as if I was going to faint. “So it really is Monday?” I said. Both he and Mike, who was standing behind him, nodded. “And I’ve been sleeping since Saturday?”

“Well, not exactly.” Mike said.

“Well, actually not at all. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t remember, it makes no sense. They didn’t tell me this would happen.” Alex said this time. The room started to spin. In my mind, I just kept replaying what I could remember: the fire, the EMTs, the lake just kept running through my head until they blurred together. Suddenly, I felt a pair of strong hands wrap around my biceps.

“Arley?” Alex said frantically. I looked up at him and realized that I almost fell over. “I’m taking you to the E.R. I knew I shouldn’t have let you go to sleep last night. I should’ve kept you up longer.”

“How could you know that she’d wake up without any memory of what happened? We’ll just take her to go get checked out.” Mike said as he grabbed up our coats. I looked around for mine, but I couldn't find it; realizing for the first time that I’m in a night gown. I never wear nightgowns. I just kept this to humor my mother. I usually sleep in pajama shorts and a tank top. Alex grabbed my hand and started pulling me out of the apartment, Mike struggling into pants behind us.

“Wait, I’m not even dressed.” I called out as the door shut behind me.



Two hours. I’ve been sitting in this waiting room for two freakin’ hours! I scowled at the side of Alex’s head for what seemed like the hundredth time. “Looking at me angrily isn’t going to speed up the doctors.” I opened my mouth to say something, but Mike cut me off.

“And we’re not leaving.” Both of them didn’t even have to look at me to know what I wanted to say. I slumped back into the chair and pouted, crossing my arms over my chest. Some creepy perv across from me trained his eyes on my chest. I watched as he started to smile. I hurriedly uncrossed my arms, but that didn’t do much good; he’d already noticed me. Just as I was about to say something, Alex put his coat over my front. I looked up at him to see him glaring at the guy. The guy looked at Alex and immediately backed off. I have to admit, Alex can seem pretty intimidating. I looked to Mike to see the same glare on his face.

“Sinclair, Arley!” a nurse called from the other side of the room. We all got up and walked into the observation room. Did I mention that I hate hospitals. The mere thought that blood could've been spilled and any of these rooms is extremely disturbing.

“I’m just going to do a quick check up to make sure that nothing else could be the cause of your forgetfulness.” So she went through the typical doctor visit moves, checking my throat and my ears and such. As she checked everything off her list, she finally started with the questions. “Are you experiencing any kind of abuse at home?” I shook my head. She looked me over, noticing the bandages and bruises that currently littered my body. Then she took in Mike and Alex. Mike may be shorter than Alex, but that doesn’t mean he looked any less intimidating. “Are you sure?”

I rolled my eyes at her and said, “I can assure you, I’m not being abused. And if I was, there’s no way in hell these two would do it.” She narrowed her eyes skeptically and wrote down some notes.

“Okay, well is there any chance you could be pregnant or have an STD?” And that’s the question I’ve been dreading. Everyone but the nurse suddenly got awkward and the air was thick with tension.

“Nope, not a chance.” She once again looked suspicious at my response.

“Are you sure? Have you had sex recently?” My face turned redder and redder as she spoke. I watched as the guys stood there, trying not to pay attention to my answers. Well if this couldn’t get any more awkward…

“Yes I’m sure and no I haven’t.” I replied.

“Wait, so what about Roger? Weren't you two just going at it like rabbits the other day?” I smacked my forehead with my hand. Fudgesicles, I forgot about that one. The nurse looked surprised before she started scribbling away at her notepad. Great, now she probably thinks I’m some giant liar.

“Umm, well not exactly…” Alex looked at me, slightly agitatedly. However, the thing that shone through the most was arrogance. That bastard! He knew I was joking around the entire time!

“Well, what were you doing exactly?” Mike was the one to speak this time.

I just put my hands over my face, trying my hardest to hide my blushing. “I didn’t do anything with him. I just acted like I did. We never really did anything, seeing as how he’s gay. And yes, I’m sure I’m not pregnant because I’ve never had sex.”

“If you say so dear.” The nurse said ‘sweetly’ and left. I looked to Mike to see a very shocked look on his face.

“So, why did you do that? Why’d you act like you were having sex when you weren’t?” Alex said. I glared at his triumphant little smirk. If he really thinks I’m going to admit to messing with him, well he’s got another thing coming. So, I told the partial truth.

“I was trying to make everyone believe that I was really doing Roger so that, that Scott guy would leave me alone. He was seriously creeping on me.” Alex narrowed his eyes at me and I just smiled triumphantly. Ha, who came out on top? That’s right; it was me, oh yeah!

“Oh yeah, sorry about him. He’s my lab partner from last semester and I kinda didn’t know how to tell him I didn’t want to hang out with him anymore. But he’s got a girlfriend now, so he’s too busy to be my friend.” Mike said, his face a little downtrodden towards the beginning, but happier by the time he finished.

“It’s okay, I’m just glad he got the message. I didn’t want to have to actually tell him. Just please,” I folded my hands and gave him the biggest puppy dog eyes I could muster as I spoke, “don’t bring him over anymore.” Mike laughed at me, immediately cutting the tension.

“I won’t, I promise.” I was sitting on the little exam table so Mike jumped up next to me. I giggled as he tried to make me scoot over so he could have more space. I wouldn’t budge so he pushed me over. I had to move or else I wouldn’t be able to sit back up. Just then, the doctor walked in, almost hitting Alex who decided it was smart to stand in front of the door; idiot.

“So, I see that you’ve suffered from smoke intoxication due to that Starbuck’s fire the other day, am I correct?” I nodded. He walked into the room and Alex shut the door behind him, glaring at the doctor’s back.

“I’m Dr. Templeton Smith.” The doc said, extending his hand towards me. I shook it, noticing immediately that his hand dwarfed my own; and I don’t have small hands. Well, okay I kinda do, but that’s beside the point. “Nice to meet you.” He said as he set his clipboard down. “Which one of you guys is the boyfriend?” I started laughing as Mike and Alex both started blabbering, their faces as red as tomatoes.

“I’m kinda like the big brother,” Mike said, “and this fan girl impersonator is my lover.” He wrapped his arm around Alex’s shoulder and moved in for a kiss on the lips. But the closest Mike got to Alex’s face was his hand, which Alex shoved in Mike’s face. He kept at it though so Alex held him at bay with that one hand.

“Actually, I’m the roommate. I was the one who stayed up with her for the past twenty-four hours only to have her wake up and not remember anything. I’m the one who was brutally woken up after working a damn near 18 hour shift by her practically trying to kill herself in the bathroom!” As Alex spoke, his voice got louder and louder, until he was soon yelling and ranting.

“Oh and let’s not forget that I was the one who bandaged her up, held her hair as she threw up, and carried her from place to place because she was a danger to herself! I was there from the beginning and I stuck through even though I haven’t slept in going on 96 hours now! I fed her, I helped her change, and I didn’t judge her for anything that she said or did! And you know what my thanks was? Getting yelled at and treated like I’m the bad guy when she woke up, that’s how! And now, I’m sitting in some god forsaken doctor’s office about ready to pass out from exhaustion and about to get asked to step out of the room because I’m not immediate family even though I’ve acted more like a family to her than I have towards anyone in a long time!” He stopped and put his head in his hands before wiped his face vigorously. His voice was soft and haggard as he continued.

“So yeah, I’m the roommate; the hated roommate who isn’t wanted in her precious apartment for who knows what reason and I’m not going anywhere until I find out what’s happening to her. I can’t think straight so I don’t really trust myself to diagnose her alone, even if I am a medical major and about to graduate at the top of my class. So just tell me so I can take her back to the closest thing I’ve had to a home in a while so she can go back to hating me and I can go to sleep.” Mike and I sat in silence after Alex finished. Alex leaned against the wall, staring at the doctor furiously. Even though he looked put together, I could see him breaking down inside. It was clear in his eyes.

The doctor held up his hands in surrender and said, “Of course you can stay. If she wants you to, then you can.” They all looked to me.

I swallowed as I processed everything he just said. Wow, he’s really hurt, isn’t he? How could I possibly say no? “Sure, you can both stay, just as long as I don’t have to get naked. In which case, you can turn around.” They both relaxed. I looked to the doctor.

“Well, the good news is that this is normal. Temporary memory loss due to lack of oxygen is a common symptom to asphyxiation. So, you’re fine. You should regain your memory in anywhere between tomorrow and the next two months. If you’re concerned about future memory problems, just come back and we can do some tests. But besides that, you’re fine."

"If your headache persists, then come back. Until then, I’m writing you a doctor’s note for today and tomorrow and excusing you from all tests that might arise within the next week and a half seeing as you’re a student. So, you all are free to go home. Just get some rest and take some Advil.” The doctor turned to leave when he stopped to say. “Oh, and drink lots of water. Have a nice day.” And then he was out the door. Is it just me, or was he anxious to leave?

“Two hours so we can get told there’s nothing wrong with you?! This is a bunch of bull!” Mike shouted.



Alex and I walked through the front door of our apartment. We’d dropped off Mike at his class on our way home from the hospital so he wouldn’t be late. Then, as we drove along, Alex called off class and work sick so he could sleep. So when we walked into the living room, Alex headed straight for our room. “Alex?” I said, my voice sounded withdrawn and somber.

“No Arley, not right now. I just… I just can’t right now. Not right now.” He mumbled as he walked into the room with his head down. He shut the door quietly behind him, but the feeling behind it made it seem louder than a gunshot. Damn it, what did I do?