29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

Okay, so I’m probably a bitch for doing this, but I’m still going to go through with one of The Ways. Yeah, yeah, I know. I have no heart; I’m a cruel person, yadda yadda yadda. But I honestly want him out. I’m not trying to make friends with him and I’m not trying to be nice to him. So, now that I’ve got that off my chest… I still feel like poo on a stick. Oh well. The Way I’m going with today is going to be… hmmm, which one should it be? I really need to step up my game. Some of these just look so childish.

I bent down over the list of Ways sitting in front of me; Lezlie sidled up next to me. We have two weeks paid vacation because of the fire. Apparently some punk kid thought that burning down a building with people in it would make the perfect senior prank. I mean, come on! We’re in college, not high school; we don’t even really have seniors. I turned to her and grabbed my coffee. I may work at Starbuck’s and love their coffee, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know where to get somewhat good coffee elsewhere. I’m a Starbuck’s fanatic, that’s for sure though.

“You’re really going to go through with another one? Are you sure you should?” Rebecca asked as she sat next to me. I looked between her and Lezlie. Lezlie was still standing since we were at a table for two and she’s a gentleman apparently. This stupid shop only has tables for two. It’s called Valentino’s Espresso, and yup, you got it; it’s a love themed coffee shop. But they have excellent lattes compared to the rest of the ma and pop shops on campus, so I had to come here.

“Of course I am. I want him out of my apartment still. I want to live alone and this is the way to do it.” Lezlie dragged another chair up to the table and parked it, staring at me mournfully. “What?” I said exasperatedly. Come on, you can’t just go looking at people like that and putting holes in their already thin resolves.

“Why are you doing this?” she said simply. I glared at her. How many times do I have to explain it before someone gets that I don’t want him there.

“Because! I want to live alone and I certainly don’t want to live with him.” I threw my hands into the air, as if to signify that it was obvious and ridiculous. She brought her cup up to her mouth and took a long sip before she spoke.

She looked me dead in the eye as she said, “No, why are you doing this to him? Why are you doing this to yourself?” Her eyes searched through mine. I could hardly blink; it felt like she was looking into my soul. I don’t know why, but Lezlie has the power to see in me what even I can’t. Then her mouth fell open. “You like him.” She whispered. Rebecca slapped a hand over her mouth. I’m not sure if it was to cover her own gaping mouth or giggles.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Lez. I don’t like him.” I sniffed. I continued to look over the list. Hmm, that one looks good.

“Don’t lie to me Arley, I know you like him. It’s just like when you were a senior and you had that crush on that jerk. Every time someone would bring him up, you’d talk bad about him. But then, as soon you and he were alone or away from people you both knew, you were suddenly buddy/buddy. This is the exact same thing, I can tell. You don’t want to admit to everyone, even to yourself, that you like him.” She sat up in her chair and leaned forward, challenging me with her eyes to admit that I like him; which I don’t!

I cocked an eyebrow at her. “I can see it in your eyes. Every time we talk about him, they gloss over a little. Kinda like you’re zoning out, but not really. Tell me it’s not true. Go on, lie to me!” she said excitedly. A light blush started to cover my cheeks. Damn it!

“Oh my gosh, you’re blushing!” Rebecca whispered excitedly. The slight pink grew to full on red after she pointed it out. Lezlie jumped out of her chair and did a little victory dance.

“Oh get off your high horse. So what if I kinda like him? It makes no difference, he still has to go.” I said as I took a drink of my coffee. Yup, I know which one I’m doing. Well, I actually found three that go well together. The first one is called Operation A Little Elfin Magic.

{i]Operation A Little Elfin Magic: Eat Lucky Charms everyday for breakfast. However, before you eat them, take out all the yellow moons. Once you have picked them all out of your cereal, eat it and put the moons in a pile in you and your roommate’s room; preferably in the closet. Do this for about a week or so, that way you have a pretty big pile. If your roommate asks about it, say you can’t tell them, but they’ll see. Then, after the pile is big enough by your standards, wait until your roommate’s fully asleep to get rid of them. Throw them outside or down the toilet or something, just make sure your roommate can’t find them. When your roommate asks about it, tell them ‘The elves ate them’ in a slightly crazed voice. Make it convincing.[i/]

Lezlie looked at the Ways I’d chosen. “I will not be a part of this. You’re only running away from your feelings and you’re going to get hurt in the end.” She said defiantly.

“Come on Lez, you have to do this with me. I can’t do this alone and you’re my best friend.” I gave her the puppy dog look. She looked about ready to cave, but Rebecca spoke up first.

“I’ll help you do it.” She muttered. I punched a fist in the air while Lezlie looked at her, clearly appalled.

“Becca…” she whined.

“No, don’t you Becca me. You won’t help her because you know she’ll get hurt. I believe in letting stubborn bitches get what they ask for. If she wants to act like a stubborn bitch, then I’ll let her feel the gravity of her mistakes. Plus, we both know she’ll fuck around and hurt herself again if she does it alone, so I’m going to help her.” Now it was my turn to look shocked. Rebecca just cursed, multiple times at that. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. Her face was set and cold. This is a side of Rebecca I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. I’m not so sure I like it.

“Well damn, I guess I can’t argue with that logic.” Lezlie muttered. Rebecca leaned across the table and pecked her on the lips.

“No hard feelings then?” Rebecca said. Lezlie walked around the table and kissed her girlfriend properly.

“No, but only if that Becca gets to come out in the bedroom tonight.” I shuddered at the thought of my friend and her girlfriend fooling around. Thanks, but no thanks; that’s not a scene I want to imagine. Rebecca nodded and blushed, kissing Lezlie again.

“Okay, so this one it is. Rebecca, you wanna come with me to the store?” I said before they could get too carried away. Rebecca looked up at me, still blushing, and nodded. So I gathered all my stuff and ventured forth to the supermarket on campus.



Damn this wind. I struggled against the gusts of wind that whipped through the buildings as I hurried home. I had about four boxes of Lucky Charms. Yes, that means I spent almost twenty bucks on cereal, but it was worth it.

When I finally managed to climb the stars and enter my apartment, my hair was all over my head. It looked like a rat tried to make a nest in my hair, but gave up. I walked into the kitchen and dropped off the bags of cereal. We already have milk, so I can start having cereal immediately. Alex wandered into the kitchen and took out the apple juice. I was about to say something, but I didn’t. He can drink my apple juice… for now. I poured myself a bowl of cereal and sat on the counter, putting the milk within reach in the meantime. I started picking out the yellow moons, humming Yeah Boy and Doll Face by Pierce the Veil.

“What’re you doing?” Alex said as I finished pulling out as many yellow moons as I could find. It was actually really tedious, but the pay off would be amazing.

“Eating Lucky Charms.” I said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He just shook his head and went back into the fridge for who knows what. I dangled my legs over the counter edge happily as I ate the cereal. I LOVE Lucky Charms. It’s not my favorite cereal, but I do love it. Alex emerged with leftovers from the other night. He sat opposite of me on the counter.

Right as I was about to say something, he put his head phones in his ears. I could hear Situations by Escape the Fate blasting into his ears. Well fine, I didn’t want to talk to him anyways. I sat back and finished my cereal. Then I gathered all my moons and walked into the room. I could feel his eyes following me as I went.

I cleared off a place on the floor and pulled out the other thing in my bag, a tiny decorative plate. It had tiny shamrocks all over the outside as a border. I set the moons in a pile on the plate and made it look nice. I sat back and looked at my masterpiece. The moons were arranged so that they looked like they were supposed to be there and the whole set up looked like a place set at a table.

“What’re you doing now?” I jumped at the sound of Alex right behind me. I looked to see him glaring down at me. Wow, someone’s panties are in a wad.

“I can’t tell you.”

“Of course not. Look, I’m leaving. I’m going to work. Don’t, I don’t know, kill my clothes or something while I’m gone.” He picked up his jacket and walked towards the door.

“Why would I do that?” I said. He looked back at me and I made my eye twitch.

“There’s the old Arley. Welcome back.” He said sourly before he left. What the hell is he talking about, the old Arley? I’ve been myself, haven’t I?



I woke up the next morning and walked into the bathroom. I took the bandages off my arm and face. You know, I’m getting really sick of not remembering what happened that night. Seriously, how can you block out an entire day?!

I stepped into the shower and had to close my eyes so I wouldn’t see the blood run off of me. It was only dried blood, so it’s not like I needed to be bandaged again. Once I was finished cleaning up, I stepped out and walked into my room in a towel. Alex had stayed out all night, so I have no idea where he is right now. Not like I care…

I walked into the kitchen after I got dressed. I sat on the counter after I got my bowl of cereal. After I picked out all of my yellow moons, I began to eat. I can tell this is going to get really old, really fast. But I have to keep doing it. I can’t stop; I have to collect enough moons. Great, now I sound obsessed…

Just as I took my last bite of Lucky Charms, Alex staggered into the apartment. At first glance, you might think he’s drunk. However, he wasn’t; he was tired. He shuffled through the living room towards the bedroom. I followed behind him so I could get to the closet.

I set up the moons and turned around to find Alex glaring at me. “What?” I said innocently as I shut the door behind me. He glared at the moons and then back at me.

“Look, I don’t know what you’re planning, but I’m not up for it today Arley. I’m not kidding, I will snap.” He said. His voice was husky and dangerous; I’m sorry to say that I kind of liked it. Very, very sorry to say that. I can’t let him know that so I crossed my arms over my chest and cocked my right hip out.

“And what makes you think that I’m planning something for you? My world doesn’t revolve around you, you know.” He stood up from his bed and walked briskly over to me. He towered over me as he stopped within a breath of me.

“I’m not joking Arley, now is not the time to act nuttier than a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.” His voice was low and brooding. He was also close, dangerously close. I was backed against the closet door, cornered by him. But I wasn’t afraid. I could tell he’d never hurt me; that he was just trying to convey a message. I had to physically stop myself from drawing closer to him and closing the gap between us by holding onto the closet door knob like it was a life line. Wait, I’m not supposed to be reacting to him like this! He is the enemy; I have to remember that he’s the enemy! I looked up into his chocolate brown eyes to see danger lurking in the backs of them. Why aren’t I scared?

‘Because if he wanted to hurt you, he would’ve done so by now. He doesn’t want to hurt you.’ A voice in the back of my mind said. I can’t chance it.

“Or what? You’ll hurt me?” I said, my voice even and sarcastic. Alex continued to glare down at me.

“No, I won’t hurt you. I would never lay a hand on a woman. But you’ll regret it, I can assure you. And that’s not a threat, it’s a promise.” Once again, I had to physically will myself to not close the gap between us. I don’t know why, but this is definitely… nope not going to say it. I pushed past Alex and walked out of the room, not uttering another word to him. He can think what he wants; I’m not going to stop him. But if I manage to get rid of him, I won’t regret it.