29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

It’s been four days. Four days of eating nothing but Lucky Charms for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Four days of adding more and more yellow moons to the pretty plate in my closet. But mostly, four days of Alex ignoring me. I fear I might’ve… no, I don’t care how he feels. I refuse to care how he feels. But he can’t keep ignoring me. This prank, okay it’s not really a prank but it kinda is, won’t work if he’s not paying attention to what I’m doing. How am I supposed to convince him that I’m bat shit crazy if he doesn’t care?

I splash some water on my face, clearing off the face wash I’d used to scrub the little bit of make-up I use off my face. I patted my face dry and looked in the mirror. My complexion was now back to normal. I no longer looked like the living dead. My deep blue eyes shone brightly back at me as I thought of how I was almost finished with my last box of Lucky Charms. Just one more bowl left and I’m done. I chuckled as I watched my own face light up subconsciously. Its fun watching the expressions your face makes without you realizing.

However, to avoid creeping on myself, I put my towel back on the rack and left the bathroom. I walked into the kitchen to find Alex sitting there already. He looked up briefly, his face completely stoic, before he walked around me and into the bathroom. Okay, is it just me, or is he getting worse?

I mean, at first he would at least acknowledge my presence. Then, slowly but surely, he started ignoring me more and more. It went from simply not noticing when I walked into a room to full on not addressing me or even acknowledging the fact that I’m a fellow human. But, then again, maybe it’s because he’s been acting more robotic than human for the past four days. It’s like he’s no longer on this planet anymore.

I poured myself my last bowl of Lucky Charms, my last Lucky Charms lunch, and sat down on the counter. Hmm, it’s odd; I have a table in my little dining room, but I never use it. I usually just sit on the counter. It’s way more comfortable up here. Plus, my mother never let me do it under her roof so I do it under mine. It’s kinda like a peace-sign-up-index-down to my mother and her stupid rules. Who cares if you sit on the counter, it gets cleaned everyday anyways?!

I nibbled on my lunch. I am. So. Tired. Of. Lucky Charms! I can’t stand them anymore. I wasn’t very fond of them to begin with; okay, I lied, I loved Lucky Charms. Emphasis on the word loved. Eating the same thing everyday for the past four days will make anyone hate it. So, although I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I hate Lucky Charms, Lucky Charms and I are not on speaking terms at the moment. In other words, I’m not eating Lucky Charms for a good long while after I finish this.

Alex walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. He fished for something in the refrigerator before surfacing with some more of my apple juice and a bagel. I grit my teeth together, remembering the second Way. Is it just me, or are these starting to sound a little like a religious commandment…?

Operation Sugar Is Sweet and So Am I: Though being nice to your roommate is usually a given, if you like them that is, it’s usually just polite kindness. In this Way, you want to go overboard. Pull out chairs, open doors, help with homework. But don’t stop there. Even go as far as offering to chew their food for them, serenade them while they shower, or organize their trash. The kookier the kindness, the better.

For the last four days, I’ve been following this Way. I’ve been sweet as syrup to this boy. That might have something to do with his more-distant-than-usual behavior, but I don’t know (do I look like a mind reader?). I’ve been asking him about his day, offering him food, and even cleaning up after him. I’ve been nothing but nice to this boy and how does he repay me?! He acts like I don’t even exist!

For instance, he poured himself a glass of apple juice, heated his bagel, smeared cream cheese on it, and walked right out of the kitchen without so much as a word to me. Time to start the kooky kindness. I jumped off the counter and skipped over to where he was sitting at the table. I pulled the nearest chair up next to him and sat really close. He couldn’t exactly ignore me since I was practically in his lap, so he turned his attention to me. I froze for an instant as I took in his eyes. The usual melted chocolateness that is his eyes was now replaced with something similar to mud. It was dull and lifeless. Well dang…

“Yes?” he questioned; his voice steady with a flicker of anger to it. I shuddered slightly before responding.

“I’m just trying to figure out if there’s anything I can do to help you this morning.” I said in a sickly sweet voice. He cocked one of his eyebrows, his eyes still not giving any emotion.

“No.” his voice rang with finality. I almost didn’t question it when I realized that his authoritative voice means nothing to me. I’m a grown ass woman; I don’t have to bend to his insinuated demands. So I straightened up slightly and pressed on.

“Are you sure?” I said as I grabbed his bagel, “I could chew your food for you so that your jaw doesn’t get tired.” He stared at me suspiciously. As I moved to take a bite out of the bagel, he grabbed it out of my hand. I ended up hitting myself in the face.

“Ow.” Was my only response to the abrupt mood change. I looked into his eyes to see them so dark brown, they were almost black.

“No.” He said. His voice was harsh and low, taking on a deadly whisper quality. I shuddered at the coldness that practically poured out of his voice and eyes.

“Okay… sorry. I was just being nice.” I said, putting on a face of innocent hurt. I got up, pushed the chair back in and walked into our room and shut the door behind me. Since it is Saturday, I don’t have class. So, instead, I grabbed my books and set up shop on my desk for some much needed homework completion. Hmm, I kinda wonder what’s gotten it’s self up his butt.

As I continued to ponder Alex, I heard the door open. I watched as Alex’s shadow grew closer as he walked towards me. I ignored him, twisting back and forth slightly in my computer chair. I felt him grip the back of the chair and before I knew it, I was whipped around to face him. I had to grab the sides of the chair to keep from tipping it over. With his hand still on the back of my chair, Alex leaned forward so our faces were almost too close for comfort.

“Look, I don’t know what you’re up to, but I’m not playing along anymore. At first I thought it’d be funny to see how far you’d take this, and that’s my own fault. I should’ve stopped you while you were behind. But I enabled you and now you’ve gone too far. I’m not joking Arley,” His voice and eyes were as cold as ice while he talked to me. I couldn’t help but be frozen in suspense as I waited for him to finish his sentence. “you keep this up and you will regret it.” The emphasis on the word will made his serious stance all the more powerful. Why is everyone so sure that I’ll regret doing this?!

Before I could respond, he turned on his heel and walked away. I glared after him, still too shocked to speak. I can’t believe he just did that. Who the hell does he think he is?! I jumped out of my seat and stormed into the living room in time to see the door swing shut. Alex was nowhere in sight so I’m assuming that was him leaving. That bastard! What makes him think he gets the last word?!

I stomped back into my, I mean our, room and sat at my desk once more. I was fuming, but can you blame me? He comes marching in here all authoritative and junk and just… just starts being assertive! How dare he grow a pair now! Okay, I’m not really mad about that, but I am mad about the ‘tude he gave me. All that brooding-yet-aggressiveness he had going on was totally not warranted.

‘But you liked it.’ A small voice in the back of my head said. I glared at the desk top, not even bothering to argue it. I’ve been slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might be kinda sorta developing small feelings for Alex, but that doesn’t mean I want him out any less. I still want him gone!

I turned my attention back to my homework. I huffed since I wasn’t able to concentrate on the work in front of me; I just kept going over what just happened. The raw intensity of it was, dare I say,… No I don’t dare say it. I won’t even think it. I leaned back over my homework and began shouting Shakespearean sonnets so I couldn’t focus on anything besides the boring task at hand. Let’s see; memorize three sonnets and their meanings for English 122, or try to solve the feeling crisis in my head? I’ll take Shakespeare for 500 Alex! Dang it, now I’m thinking about Alex again. No brain, not Alex Alex; Alex Trebek, Alex Trebek, Alex Trebek!



I kept my mantra of Alex Trebek running through my head until I was done with all my homework. Now, granted, it did seem a bit creeperish, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. Of course, that means most of my studying was done Jeopardy style.

I stood back after I taped the last of the flash cards on the wall. There were sections of the wall for each class, five categories per section, and ten questions per category. My bedroom looked like it belonged to a mad scientist. I admired my work as I searched around the debris for my phone.

I was finally able to fetch my phone and pulled up Lez’s number. We have some of classes together so I’m sure she’ll benefit from this. While I texted her to come over, that I have a surprise for her, I heard some noise come from the living room. I turned towards the bedroom door, pressing the send button at the same time, to see Alex standing there. I watched as his eyes took in the room before he glared at me.

“What. Is. This?” His jaw was tense and his eyes were that almost black again as he spoke to me. I opened my mouth to answer, but he cut me off.

“I thought I told you to cut it out! Now what, are you going to tell me that you’re plotting against an alien attack?” He laughed slightly hysterically as he spoke; “No wait, I know. You’re planning for the insect zombie apocalypse!” He stormed up to me, throwing his school bag in the corner. He once again got up in my face and stared me down. His eyes were practically piercing into my soul. But I stood my ground. I pulled myself out of my cowering stance and stood up straight.

“Actually, this is for my classes. It’s like Jeopardy only for the classes I’m in. You’re such a paranoid freak!” I shouted back at him. I watched as his face blanked before it turned to stone. He turned on his heel and left; I wonder what his problem is…

I started when my phone buzzed in my hand. I’d forgotten I was holding it.

Lez’s text read: Okie dokie, I’ll be there soon. I slipped the phone back into my pocket and sat down in my computer chair. I can’t believe he just exploded all over me like that. I wasn’t even doing anything senile this time. I was just being regular old me and he thinks I’m a freak. That kinda hurts.

I continued to twirl my phone between my fingers as I tried to assess the bipolarity that is my roommate. Wait, did I just call him my roommate?! He is NOT my roommate. He’s the infestation that I have to deal with; that I have to get rid of.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I whirled around, squeaking in the process. Lezlie stood in front of me with a shocked expression.

“What the hell?!” I said exasperatedly as I tried to regain my breath.

“I’m sorry; I wasn’t trying to scare you. I was just trying to let you know I was here.” She paused and looked around the room. Her mouth fell slightly open. “Is this what your surprise was for me? Evidence that you’ve finally lost it?” She finished. I looked around the room and realized just how insane my oversized index cards with numbers scribbled across them looked.

“No.” I said defiantly, “I was trying to show the jeopardy game I came up with for our classes. Granted some don’t apply to your classes, but most of them do.” I waved my hand around the room. Her face lit up with recognition. To the unknowing eye, I really do look like I’ve lost it.

“Wow, this is magnificent. You’re a genius,” she said once the shock wore off, “I’m going to call the Triplets. They’ll love to get in on this.” She whipped out her phone and walked out the room. I started to follow her when I noticed something. Alex’s bag still lay discarded in the corner. I picked it up gingerly and set it on his bed. I’m assuming he won’t want it on the ground. I fixed his pillow before I turned back to the door to leave. Lez stood there, a knowing look on her face.

“Oh come off it.” I said. I shoved past her into the living room and then the kitchen. I put on a pot of coffee seeing as how we probably have a long night of studying ahead of us. I don’t think Alex will let me keep this up for more than a night. Not like I care how he feels or anything…