29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

I woke up after having the weirdest dream ever. It all just felt so real, but I could tell it was a dream because it was super foggy. Even now, as I’m laying here in bed, I can feel the details starting to slip from my memory. I dreamt that I couldn’t control myself somehow and Alex had to protect me. I couldn’t think straight, let alone walk straight, and I couldn’t control my actions at all. If I had a thought, I acted on it. For instance, I thought about Alex’s plump lips and how incredible it might be to kiss him, so I did! Now this might just be dream logic speaking, but it felt amazing. It felt like being there with him, just being able to kiss him, was where I was supposed to be. He didn’t kiss me back at first, I think I might’ve surprised him, but after a bit he joined in enthusiastically.

So, needless to say, I was a little freaked out. I looked over at Alex’s bed and saw his feet under the covers. I knew he was there, even though I couldn’t see the rest of him because of the furniture.

Did I really just dream about him?! I know I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I’m developing feelings for him, but still! I should NOT be dreaming about him. And it felt so real too. Like it really happened or something. The dream was set at night, the only distinguishing factor it had from reality was that I didn’t look the way I do now. I had fresh cuts on my arm and my mouth tasted like smoke for some strange reason. It was so weird.

I was only able to wake up once we were settled on the couch. He’d just finished bandaging some wound I’m pretty sure was caused by my inexplicable clumsiness. We were making out, or at least kissing heatedly, when I heard a small noise. It sounded like a door opening, but I decided not to pay it any mind. That is, until Alex gently pushed me off of him. I made a disappointed noise and tried to get him to kiss me again. I only stopped after I heard someone say, “Oh and here I was thinking that you took advantage her. It seems to be the other way around.” I woke up before I could see who ninja-ed their way in.

I turned on to my back and stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t decipher all the emotions running through my head. I took a deep, silent breath and tried to focus on one at a time. The first to pop up was anger, so I went with it. It flared up inside me and I balled my fists. How dare he?! Okay, so this isn’t really his fault. I mean, he didn’t make me dream about him. So I guess anger doesn’t work.

However, I was still angry. Only I wasn’t angry at him. I was upset because I allowed myself to feel these things for him. I’m supposed to be trying to get rid of him and, instead, I’ve started falling for him. I’m flirting with the enemy here! How could I be so reckless and stupid?!

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard Alex roll over in bed, so I decided it was time to get up. I shuffled to the door and looked back at the sleeping source of all my confusion. His brow was furrowed and he had this look of angst about him. And, though he was still sleeping, he looked like he was fighting for his life. Occasionally his arm or leg would twitch like he was subconsciously defending himself. I watched as his lips moved like he was trying to say something. I wanted nothing more than to go to him and ease his grief.

I blinked and backed up a few paces when that thought went through my head. Oh no, this is bad news. Since when did I start wanting to ease anything of his?!

“When you developed feelings for him.” A voice rang through my mind, effectively startling me in the process. If I keep this up, I’m gonna start going crazy.

“You already are, but in the best possible way.” It said again, only this time with a humorous glint to it. Hmmm, now that I think about it, that voice sounds an awful lot like my best friend. So my conscience sounds like Lez…. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not…

I turned away from Alex, leaving him to his terrors, and went into the bathroom. My stomach churned as I shut the door behind me. Somewhere, not as deep down inside as I’d like, I hated leaving him like that.

I pulled the shower curtain open and turned on the water before stepping inside. I relaxed under the almost too hot flow of water and let it wash my worries away.



I walked through my front door with my headphones in and set my bag in the front closet. Let it Rain blared through the tiny speakers and practically flowed through my body. That’s what I love about music; you can just get lost in it so easily. I mouthed the lyrics, putting as much silent emphasis into it as possible. I giggled quietly at myself. As I walked into the living room, I noticed a dirty bowl on the table. It has to be Alex’s because I don’t just leave dishes lying around. Well, except for the one in the closet. But it’s not just lying there, its being put to good use.

Speaking of Alex, I decided to hold off on the big Way. It is almost like the Granddaddy of all the Ways. And, after much deliberation that almost made me fail the exam I was taking today, I decided to just do a few minor Ways in the meantime. But no worries, I will do it.

I placed the dish into the sink and pulled out my phone. The song changed to Jessie J’s Rainbow. I immediately began dancing to it. I wriggled my hips in time to the beat as I pulled up the browser app and opened the Ways from my favorites. Yeah, that’s right; I have them saved in my phone now. I think it’s safe to say this is officially an obsession now. I found one to my liking and decided to go for it. However, first I have to pee.

I giggled at my inner bluntness as I ran to the bathroom, half-dancing to Dance Floor Anthem by Good Charlotte. I moved and grooved through the door without knocking, seriously who’s here anyways, with my eyes closed. As soon as I opened them, I stopped dead in my tracks.

Before my very eyes stood Alex, dripping wet, in only a towel. His eyes widened as he realized that I was, indeed, in the bathroom with him. He just kinda stood there like a deer in headlights while I did my best impersonation of a fish out of water, minus the body movement. My eyes slowly raked over his body. I think I was more shocked at the fact that he was damn sexy and almost naked than I was that he was just almost naked.

My eyes roamed down his muscular pecs to his sculpted abs. I suddenly found myself wishing the towel wasn’t there at all as I eyed it hanging low on his hips. His body literally took my breath away. He even had the cut for Pete’s sake! You know, the one on his hips that’s like an arrow pointing towards his most prized appendage.

After what seemed like twenty minutes, I blinked rapidly before turning around. A squeak of surprise left my mouth as I did. All of a sudden, it seemed like time sped back up, after having been so slow before, and everything became super sharp and hypersensitive. I closed my eyes only to see the beautiful image of Alex’s body burned into my eyelids. It seemed like the same thing happened to Alex too because I suddenly heard bustling around behind me and the shower curtain getting yanked closed.

“What the hell, Arley?!” he shouted, his voice slightly muffled by the shower curtain shield. Thoughts raced through my head at hyper speed; admittedly most of them were about Alex’s body, about how to get out of this. And then an idea flashed into my head; or rather, a Way.

Operation: What is this Privacy of Which You Speak?
You and your roommate probably have a set of rules about boundaries, even if you didn’t really say anything. But, now you’re gonna break them. Invade their privacy. Treat them like a sibling, or better yet, a spouse. Walk in on them on the toilet. Look through their cell if they just leave it lying around. Act like everything you’ve ever learned about privacy is wrong and do the opposite.

“Arley?! Seriously, what the hell?!” Alex said again, sounding angry. I zoned back in and smirked to myself. I put on a face of complete innocence and turned back to Alex. He was hiding behind the shower curtain to the point where all I could see were his shoulders. What is he hiding exactly; he’s wearing a towel.

“Oh, I’m sorry Alex. I didn’t know you were in here.” I said sweetly, keeping up the overly nice routine. “Is there anything I can get you?” He looked shocked at first; like he couldn’t believe what was happening. Then he just looked dumbstruck as he noticed that my façade had yet to waver.

“Uhh, no!” he said, agitation back once more. I muttered a quick okay before I walked further into the bathroom. I could feel Alex’s eyes burning a hole straight through me as I walked over to the toilet. I started to unbutton my pants and he ducked back behind the curtain. I pulled my pants down and sat on the toilet like my roommate wasn’t in the same room. I was so glad Alex couldn’t see me because I swear my face was as red as a tomato.

“Ummm, Arley? What the fuck are you doing?” I don’t think I’ve ever heard Alex curse this much, it’s weird. I could see his silhouette through the shower curtain, it’s pretty sheer, and I could tell that he was either facing me or turned away. I’m guessing it’s turned away since he’s a gentleman and his voice seems to be bouncing off a wall.

“I’m baking a cake.” I said with playful sarcasm in my voice. I watched him fidget a little before crossing his arms above his head. I finished doing my business and pulled up my pants. As soon as the toilet flushed, Alex whipped the shower curtain open and stepped out of the tub. I looked at him through the mirror, seeing as how I was washing my hands. What can I say? Hygiene is important to me.

“What the hell was that?!” Alex shouted from behind me. I just shrugged and looked down at my hands. I had to fight to keep from smiling at his appalled face. I looked up to see him blushing ferociously and running his hands through his hair. He’s kinda cute when he’s awkward; it’s rather endearing. I could see him looking from me to the door and back again. I can’t really tell if he wants to leave but can’t because I’m in the way, or if he wants me to.

“Alrighty, well, is there anything I can get you? Some tea maybe or something else to drink? How about some lotion, I could even help you put it on.” I said, winking at the end. The blush got even worse and I couldn’t help but let a smile slip through. However, I played it off as a polite gesture. I could see the obvious confusion in his eyes; scratch that, his whole face. I’m not sure which is throwing him more: the suddenly happy, helpful attitude or the now apparent disregard for common courtesy and privacy. This is hilarious.

“No, I’m fine.” He said. I looked at him only to find him examining the ceiling. Since he was looking up, I took that to my advantage and covered my mouth to let loose an almost crazed looking smile. He’s so awkward right now; it’s almost too much to take. I have to get out of here before I bust a gut trying to keep in the laughter.

“Okay, well then I’m going to go now. I got to meet up with the triplets.” I said as I walked out the bathroom. Alex followed close behind me and as soon as I stepped out the door, he slammed it behind me. How rude! You’d think he’d be just a little bit nicer to me. I mean, after all, I was being extremely nice to him.

I turned around and looked at the door. Don’t ask me why, maybe I thought it was going to magically open it’s self. So instead of blowing up at him, like I really wanted to, I decided to try the attracting-more-bees-with-honey route.

“Are you okay? You seem a little agitated.” I said into the crack of the door. I waited for a good five minutes and didn’t get a response. Hmm, maybe I went a little too far this time…? Oh well, I can’t stop it now. I have to keep this up for a little while longer. I turned around and walked out the apartment. I decided to make my excuse an actuality; I’m going to call the triplets and see if they want to hang out.

So I called them up on the phone, “Hey Char? Yeah, it’s me, Arley. Are y’all busy?” I said into my Galaxy S. “No? Okay, great! Y’all wanna hang? Excellent! See ya soon.” I hung up the phone and slid it into my pocket as I walked down the stairs. I’m going to go meet up with the Oberskins at Valentino’s Café. Hopefully it won’t be too packed full of kissing couples that we won’t be able to get a couple tables next to one another.



“Damn it, I’m supposed to go meet that new hot chick at the library. She’s my new study partner.” Adeline said with a wink as she gathered her stuff. We’d been pretty much sitting and talking, buying drink after drink to keep the staff appeased, for about three hours. She waved goodbye as she hurried out the door and to her motorcycle. That’s right; she did the stereotypical wild child thing and got a motorcycle. But not just any bike, no she got my dream bike; a midnight blue Ducati.

I turned back to my other good friends. Charlie was watching her sister leave, a slightly worried expression on her face. She’s been wary of Ade’s bike ever since she got into an accident on her first one; it almost killed her. Roger, however, kept checking his phone. I tilted my head to the side as I watched him look at his phone and then the clock on the wall.

“Are you waiting for someone?” I said. Charlie’s attention immediately directed it’s self to me. However, when she saw that I was looking at Roger, she looked to him. He started at the sound of my voice and looked around. When he realized I was talking to him, he blushed.

“Actually, kinda. Ummm… this has been fun, but I gotta go. Or, rather, you gotta go. Ummm I’m expecting someone.” I immediately perked up at the thought of Roger being on a date. He’s usually so collected, but now… he looks almost a mess. He’s all fidgety and nervous. It’s adorable. Do I find nervousness cute? Am I some weird power hungry woman who thrives off of the nervous people in front of me? Because it’s starting to sound like it. Anyways, back to the topic at hand.

“Who are you meeting?” I said at the same time as Charlie said, “Alright, we’ll go.” I looked at her in disbelief. She looked completely unperturbed.

“No, I wanna know who you’re meeting. Do you know Charlie?” I glared at Charlie and she shook her head vigorously. I hate being left out of things, especially when it comes to my friends. Yeah, I’m nosy and damn proud of it.

“I’m not telling and if you don’t leave now, I’m going to cancel on this person. And if I have to cancel on them, you’re going to regret it.” Old Roger was suddenly back as he said this. I have to admit; I’ve been told quite a few times in the past couple of days that I’m going to regret things, but I didn’t believe any of the others as much as I do Roger. He looks dead serious.

“Alright, alright;” I said while I threw my hands up in surrender as I stood up to leave. “I’ll go, but you know that secrets don’t make friends, right?” I gathered my belongings, as did Charlie, and moved to walk out of the place.

“I promise I’ll tell you guys if it turns into something. I just don’t want to make anything weird if it doesn’t. I’m sorry.” Old Roger suddenly disappeared again and was replaced by this almost broken shell of a man. I know that he’s had some problems in the love department because of his distant relationship with his parents. It affects both him and Adeline, but Charlie worked through it. They’re just having a harder time of doing so. Because they were never close to their parents growing up, they’ve learned to not let people in. I guess they figured that if they can’t trust their parents to love them, who can they trust.

So instead, they decided to stay commitment free and live it up single. Before I knew about any of their problems, I was always envious of them. They seemed to be having so much fun being single and themselves. I wanted desperately to be like them. But, as Adeline put it when she explained it to me, when you wake up in yet another stranger’s bed and run because you don’t want to get hurt, it hurts even more than if they’d broke your heart; because, in the end, you’re breaking your own heart.

I patted him on the shoulder and nodded in understanding. I honestly don’t think I could trust my voice right now. Just thinking about all that has choked me up completely. He looked up at me with gratitude in his eyes. I smiled down at him and officially dropped the subject until he was ready to tell me. Charlie and I both kissed him on the head at the same time and left.

As the doors swung closed behind us and we started down the street, Charlie turned to me. “You love me, right? No matter what, right?” She said. Her voice sounded so unsure and broken. Although Charlie’s learned to let people in, she still has this uncontrollable fear that they’ll leave her. She’s so afraid that everyone she loves will leave her that it’s almost heartbreaking. She’s such a kind, caring person and has so much love for everyone; she should have to walk around with that dark cloud thought over her head. I looked at her and saw fear and sorrow masking her face. Charlie’s always been one to wear her heart on her sleeve and it hasn’t failed today.

“Of course I do sweetheart. What’s the matter?” I swear I’ll kill whoever put that thought into her head. She just nodded and continued walking. I walked beside her, looking at her every once in a while. I stopped her by standing in front her when I realized that she was slowly, but surely falling apart. I let her collapse into my arms and I held her as I whispered that everything was going to be okay.

“I’m sorry… I’m just… just a horrible friend… that’s all.” She choked out. I stared at her in disbelief, but she refused to look up at me. How could someone say that dismissively?! Especially when it’s not true.

“What’re you talking about? You are the most amazing friend ever! Why would you think otherwise?” She just shook her head and still refused to look up at me.

“Would you still love me if I stole the boy you like?” She said, looking into my eyes for the first time. I immediately thought of Alex. Is that why he’s been out late? Maybe that’s his way of getting back at me…? My heart began to race and I could literally almost feeling it tearing apart. This is not good.

“I slept with Jared.” She exclaimed, half-shouting it loud enough for everyone in the vicinity to hear. I guess she took my silence as a bad thing because she started sobbing even harder than before.

I let out a breath I wasn’t even aware I was holding. I mean, sure, I liked Jared, but it didn’t bother me that he was with Charlie. But the thought of Alex with Charlie, that made my blood run cold and that bothered me. It didn't bother me that she slept with Jared because I no longer had any feelings for him. Well, that and he really did call me like he said he would.

I was sitting in my room studying when I heard my phone going off in the living room. It was my default ringtone; the one that I used for everyone, so I paid it no mind. I let it continue to ring so I could finish my homework, but I guess Alex had other plans.

He brought the phone into the room and all but chucked it on my bed. I glared at him as he passed me. I guess it disturbed his precious peace and quiet. I glared at him as he walked out of the room.

I grabbed my phone and checked the missed call. Jared's name came onto the screen and my heart started to race. I haven't talked to him since the incident. What if he's calling to bitch me out? Or worse, sincerely forgive me and want to get back with me? I don't think I could handle his forgiveness; I kinda screwed him over pretty bad.

I swallowed my fear, and the giant lump growing in my throat, and pressed the call button. As the phone rang, I seriously considered hanging up. But then I remembered that he said he'd call when he was ready to listen. I owe him an explanation; well that and an apology, but that was a given. Wait, if he calling for an explanation, that means I have to give him one. But that also means I have to leave so Alex doesn't know what I'm up to.

I hurriedly picked up my jacket off the floor right as he picked up. "Hello, Arley?" I cringed at the awkwardness that practically seeped through the phone.

"Hi Jared. Just one second. I haven't to get some place that I can talk." I muttered apologetically as I slipped on my flats and ran for the door. Alex watched me race past him with a curious look. Oh so he doesn't care to talk to me, but he sure does care where I'm going. I slipped out the front door, closing it quietly behind me, and down the stairs of our apartment building.

"Okay, I can talk now." I said into the phone.

"You said that you wanted to explain. Well, here's your chance. I promise not to yell. I know it won't solve anything if I do." I sighed internally. Well there goes my worst fears; he's not going to yell at me and he hasn't unconditionally forgiven me.

"Well, I guess I should start at the beginning. Now, mind you, this story might seem a bit crazy, but it's completely true. Any of my friends could vouch for it's honesty." I paused and took a deep breath as I started to walk down the street. "It all started when my parents forced me to get a roommate..."



"And that's why you caught me in the bedroom with Roger. He was just being a good sport and going on with the schemes of an insane person. He really is gay and just a friend." I somehow ended up in a park on campus. I'd found a well lit area, since it was freezing out, and sat down so I could explain everything to Jared. "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I didn't remember that there was something going on between us and that you might get hurt if you found out about what was supposedly going on. And for that, I'm so incredibly sorry."

I finished and waited for him to say something. The entire time I'd been explaining, he'd said very little and now it was silent again. I waited on bated breath for him to yell or understand or something; anything's better than this silence. I was about to apologize again when I heard him start to laugh. It started out soft but eventually it escalated until it sounded like he'd bust a gut. I breathed a breath of relief.

"So, you mean to tell me that you weren't sleeping around with random dudes? Instead you were playing one of your many tricks on your roommate to make him want to leave?! You're right, that does sound crazy." I cringed once more. I knew it'd sound too crazy to be true. "However, it's so elaborate and detailed that it can't be anything but true. Wow, you're something else Arley." By this time, he'd finished laughing.

"So does that mean that you forgive me?" I said quietly.

He laughed again and responded, "Of course I do. I realized that I couldn't really be mad because we weren't dating yet. But now that you've explained everything and I know that you weren't sleeping around, I can't really be angry, can I?" I giggled slightly as I ran through the explanation in my head. Okay, it does sound a little insane.

"So, let me guess, Alex still doesn't know what you're doing?" He said once i got over my giggle fit.

"That would be correct sir. So if you could not tell him, that'd be awesome." My chest suddenly felt lighter and I didn't feel like such crap anymore. I'm so glad I got that off my chest. I don't like for people to angry with me.

"Sure thing. As a matter of fact, if you ever need any help, let me know. These "Ways", as you call them, sound like they could be fun." Jared replied. I'm so happy, I could squee. And if you don't know what a squee is, then you're not cool enough to find out.

"Oh, they are. But they doesn't always work out the way I want them to. Sometimes it snowballs in my face." I said.

"Even better. Count me in. But I refuse to hurt him in anyway. Just harmless pranks for me please." He replied. His voice still sounded like it was on the verge of laughter.

"Oh I don't do anything to hurt him physically. I just mess with him. He never gets hurt." I said.

'Not physically, but emotionally he does.' The tiny voice in my head said. I decided to ignore it though, it never knows what it's talking about.

"Great, well then count me in. I'm always up for a god joke." He said. I stood up and stretched slightly before I started walking back to my apartment. I couldn't see it anywhere so I guess I wandered kinda far.

"Excellent. Well, I'll let you know. So how've you been?" I said. I'm sure I could think of something for him to do.

“Of course I would. I’ll love you no matter what. That’s what friends do; they love each other regardless of what happens. If you like Jared and want to pursue him, I give you my blessing.” I pulled out of my memories and replied to her. She looked up at me with eyes as huge as saucers.

“Really?” she said, her voice sounded so quiet and shocked that I almost didn’t hear it. I nodded and smiled down at her. She cracked a watery smile and hugged me ferociously. If it had been Adeline, I probably would’ve been a little mad that she slept with Jared. Sex to Ade is meaningless. But with Char, it meant something. If she slept with him, that means he probably means something to her and she wasn’t just doing it despite how she thought I’d feel. I hugged back one of my best friends and laughed.

After we released each other, she looped her arm around my waist and I looped mine around hers. We walked back to my apartment in hopes of finding ice cream, RomComs, and blankies. Yup, we decided to have our very own Girl's Night In.