29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

I opened the door to an empty apartment. Hmm… I wonder where Alex is. I have to stop wondering about this guy. I’m supposed to hate him. How can I do that if I’m always worrying about him? I really need to put my feelings in check.

“Whatcha thinking about, space case?” Char asked as I set my keys on the kitchen counter. I turned to her and she had this knowing look on her face. Damn her and her extrasensory skills! A blush quickly appeared on my cheeks due to being caught. She just laughed at my expense. I sure know how to pick friends…

“Nothing, jerk.” I replied and set about getting out everything we’d need for the “girl’s night”. She continued to giggle as if I was the most obvious thing in the world. I didn’t think I was being that obvious… okay, maybe I was. But can you really blame a girl for thinking?! I can’t control what goes on in my head. I try my hardest to stay out of there most of the time, it’s a scary place.

Char’s giggles turned into out-right laughing. Damn, did I say that out loud? She nodded and I guess that means I said that out loud as well.

“Exactly what did you hear?” I asked, but she just continued to guffaw like a hyena. Yeah, that’s right, a hyena; this was no slight giggle. I literally watched as she bent over and began slapping her knee. I didn’t think I was being that funny.

I turned away from her and pulled out the box of popcorn from the cupboard. I popped the kettle corn in microwave right as she began to try to talk to me. I rolled my eyes and continued to rifle through the cabinets for something else to munch on, because popcorn and soda isn’t a lot. In the cabinet above the stove I found a bag of Twizzlers. Upon pulling them out, Charlie immediately sobered up.

“Ohhhh, Twizzlers.” She said and made grabby hands at the bag. I quickly jerked them away from her. These maybe her favorite candy, but they’re mine too. If I give her the whole bag, I’ll never get any.

“They’re for the movie, now go pick one.” She once again made a grab for the sweets, but I ninja-ed them out the way. Yes, ninja-ed. Her pouty face took on a whole new level; she turned around and slumped into the living room. I watched as she perused my DVD collection for something suitable to watch. Now, what was I doing…?

It dawned on me and I turned around right as the popcorn was about to burn. Woah, that was close. If I hadn’t grabbed it in time, I might’ve burned it and no one likes burnt popcorn. Well, maybe weird people, but I’m not weird. Or, at least I’m not weird in the sense that I like burnt popcorn. After all, we’re all mad here.

“Are you going to stand in the kitchen all night, or did you want to join the normal people and sit down in here?” Char called from the living room. I laughed at the sheer irony of what she just said. Sometimes I wonder if she can read minds. Probably not, but she is super perceptive. I carried the popcorn I’d poured into a giant bowl and the Twizzlers I’d set on a plate into the living room and set them in front of Char. The movie’s title screen music began to play and I saw the montage for the new Avengers movie on the TV. screen.

“Is this a good choice?” I immediately began bouncing up and down as soon as Charlie asked. “I’ll take that as a yes.” She giggled and pulled the popcorn in between us. I had to take several deep breaths before I was calm enough to watch the movie. Once I settled down, Charlie pressed the play button and cuddled into my side. I had to control myself to keep from spazzing all over Char. I can just tell this movie is going to be epic.



I heard the door open right as the end credits scrolled across the screen. I have to say that was the best movie I’ve ever seen! Literally the best movie I’ve ever seen. I am completely obsessed with superheroes. So, of course, the Avengers is the perfect movie for me. I couldn’t even close my mouth for most of the movie. I think I might’ve actually drooled on myself.

“What’s going on, ladies?” Mike asked as he came around the corner effectively scaring me out of my awesome movie trance. Alex followed not too far behind him, looking as brooding as ever. The look on Alex’s face when he saw me was indecipherable. He looked almost mad, but also kinda embarrassed. I’m not sure how he’s feeling right now, nor should I care. I just have to keep saying that to myself; I don’t give a damn about his feelings. Maybe if I keep that on repeat, I’ll stop having feeling things for him too.

“I doubt that’s how it works.” Mike whispered from beside me. The look on my face must’ve been priceless as I realized someone else, once again, heard my innermost thoughts; because he started to laugh just like Char did. I must be a freaking comedian; please note the extreme amount of sarcasm used in this sentence.

“How loud did I say that?” I whispered in return. Alex had long since gone to the bedroom to do whatever. It’s a good thing too, because the last thing he needs to hear about is how much I like him. Which is not that much, by the way.

“You only muttered it to yourself. Plus, I don’t think he heard you.” I glanced at him and a shit-eating grin was plastered on his face. I turned to Charlie for help, but she was nowhere in sight. Where the hell did she go when I needed her the most?! Some friend she is… Okay, she’s a great friend; just with horrible timing.

I turned to Mike and fixed him with the most serious stare I could muster. He didn’t start laughing so, I’m guessing, he could tell how serious I am about what I’m going to say. “Under no circumstances, and I mean absolutely none, are you to tell Alex what you heard me say. I don’t want him to know about it. It’ll only conflict him further.” Mike cocked his head to the side as I finished talking, as if asking for further explanation. Well, he can insinuate whatever he wants in his head because I’m not telling him anything else.

“So, let me get this straight. You’re torturing him because you like him, right?” He asked as he ran his fingers through his hair. I gave him a reproachful look in response; which he blissfully ignored. “What are you, two?” I continued to glare at him as he laughed at his own humor. I didn’t think it was that funny. I’m not acting like a little kid; my logic is far more mature.

“I’m not torturing him because I like him. That would be idiotic. And this isn’t the appropriate place to be talking about this.” I whispered urgently as Alex walked back into the room. Charlie followed not too far behind him; I guess she went to the bathroom or something. Mike stood up from the seating position he had next to me on the couch and walked over to stand next to Alex.

“You need to leave.” Alex said gruffly. I glanced at Char and Mike to find a mirrored reflection of my own shocked face. Is he talking to me? There’s no way in hell that Alex is talking to me. Obviously he forgets who was here first.

I pointed questioningly to myself. Alex gave a bark of a laugh and said, “Yes you. Or did you think I was talking to Imaginary Gary or whatever his name was.” I raised my eyebrows at him, but he seemed to stand his ground. I can’t believe he’s kicking me out of my own apartment! Well, I was going to lay off on the Ways for tonight, but it looks like I’ve had my mind changed.

“Dude, they don’t have to leave. We can all watch movies together.” Mike interjected. Mike began to fidget with the buttons on his shirt. I watched as the awkward tension practically fogged up the room. Alex was staring directly at me, so I return the look with an intense one of my own.

“No one said anything about them...” Alex said, looking pointedly at me, before he turned to Char. “You’re free to stay and watch movies with us, if you’d like. We’re just going to sit around and be lazy bums.” His attitude towards Char was the exact opposite of how it was with me. He was all charming smiles and twinkling eyes with Charlie, but with me he’s nothing but venomous. I didn’t think I’d pissed him off that much.

“Well, as inviting as that sounds, I don’t think I’ll be staying. If my best friend can’t stay in her own apartment, then I don’t want to be here. And if her roommate is kicking her out, then I want nothing to do with him.” The tone in Char’s voice chilled me to the bone. It was sickeningly sweet and ice cold. If there were such a thing as vampires, Char would make a perfect one. I believe that’s how a vampire would take.

Alex flushed brilliantly, but continued to stand his ground. I could help but look nervously between them, just like Mike was doing, expecting some sort of war to break out. “You don’t know what she’s done to me.” Alex countered. Charlie gave an almost sinister laugh and looked at him as if he were a child she was scolding.

“So you decide to repay her with the same thing she’s been doing. You think if you’re mean in return, then she’ll see the error of her ways. But what you don’t realize is that, by acting like her, you’re turning into the very thing you’re trying to get rid of; a bully.” And with that note of wisdom left to resonate, Char grabbed her purse off the couch and whisked out of the door.

“I should probably follow her.” I said nervously. Alex refused to look at me as I walked past him towards the door. I guess he doesn’t like being treated like he’s a child. Well, when you get scolded by an elementary school major, it’s bound to happen.

“Bitch.” I heard him mutter to himself as I shut the door. Oh, it is on now. No one, and I do mean no one, calls Charlie Oberskin a bitch and gets away with it. It looks like it’s time for Operation Piggy Party. He’s going to pay for what he just said, literally.

Operation Piggy Party:

While you’re out, and you know your roommate is home, call around to a bunch of different places and order full meals. They’ll often ask for a phone number so it’s important to know what your roommate’s is. Aim for places that have a zero return policy and delivery as an option. You want to get as many places to deliver meals to the apartment as possible. As an added bonus: make some of it disgusting food that no one would ever order.

I practically ran down the stairs to find Char at the bottom. She smiled at me sadly before she began walking towards Valentino’s Café, where her car was parked. I caught up with her quickly and she grasped my hand reassuringly. I guess we’re moving the girl’s night” to Char’s house.

“I’m sorry that happened.” She said to me. I looked at her skeptically for a moment; not because she was being cryptic, but because I couldn’t understand why she was sorry. I don’t care if he “kicks me out”, he can’t really make me leave unless I want to. In this instance, it works in my favor for him to be in the apartment tonight and me to be absent. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have left.

“I’m not. I have Ways for dealing with this.” I squeezed her hand excited as I spoke. She looked confused for a second before it dawned on her; I was talking about the Ways. It didn’t take long for her face to turn disapproving.

“You’re not seriously going to mess with him some more, are you?!” I turned away from her when I heard the disappointment in her voice. No one quite understands why I have to do this. I have to live alone. He’s presented me with a challenge and what kind of person would I be if I turned it down.

“Yes, I am.” I sniffed indignantly. “It’s my best defense against his ass-itude.” Char merely shook her head and walked ahead of me. I know she doesn’t approve of what I’m doing, but she could at least be nice to me.

Regardless of what everyone tells me, I’m not going to regret this. I haven’t regretted it yet and I doubt I will in the future. It’ll make a difference to me whether I like him or not. After all, he still has to go, regardless of how I feel about him in the end.