29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

The scene on the television was of two little girls playing in their room. Suddenly, the little one was flying through the air, twirling and gliding on the wall. “Holy fucking hell.” Mike said in horrified whisper. I could barely contain the chuckle that wanted to escape. I love this guy, but he’s the biggest wuss I’ve ever met.

I silently rose from the couch and walked around the corner. Mike was so entranced in Mama, the movie on the television, that he didn’t even see me leave. Even though I couldn’t even see the screen, I just heard Mike scream like a little girl and I knew he was scared shitless. “Dude, did you see-?” I heard him say from around the corner. He must’ve just noticed I was gone. “Alex?” Mike’s voice as he called my name reminded me of a frightened child.

I took that as my chance to pounce. I jumped around the corner, roaring like a lion. I watched my friend, a grown ass man, jump about a foot in the air and let out a scream that could’ve put a five year old girl to shame. Mike just about wet himself he was so scared. I started laughing so hard, I couldn’t breathe.

“What the fuck, dude?!” Mike was standing now, looking ready to kill. I just continued to laugh like a mad man. “I’m gonna kick your fucking ass,” he said before making a grab for me. I ran out of reach laughing. It would’ve worked too, if he hadn’t decided to tackle me to the ground. Mike hit me in the back like a freight train and I was down for the count. He started laying punches into me, in just about any place he could reach. I blocked most of them, and they weren’t that hard to begin with, but they still hurt.

Just then, the doorbell decided to ring. “Lay off, man. I gotta answer the door.” I all but screamed as he continued to assault me. With one more, well placed, hit to the stomach, he let me get up. I ran to the door, just in case he was only taking a short break, and opened it with a flourish. On the other side stood an awkward looking boy; he didn’t look much older than seventeen and he was wearing a pizza-delivery outfit. What the hell could he want?

“I’ve got your order.” I continued to stare questioningly at him. The entire time, he’d been staring at his pizza bag. After he realized I wasn’t going to say anything, he looked up. For some odd reason, people always flinch away from me whenever they first meet me. Well, everyone until Arley, that is. And that was this kid’s response; he shrunk back like I was going to hit him or something. I would smile and put him at ease, but something tells me this is going to be an aggravating experience. “Here are your three pizzas.” He muttered, more reserved now.

“I didn’t order a pizza.” I said gruffly. He squared his shoulders and tried to look as intimidating as possible. However, considering I towered over him at 6’3”, he didn’t look all that intimidating. I don’t understand why he’s getting all defensive; I wasn’t even looking threatening.

I leaned against the door as he scrambled for the receipt. He glanced from the receipt to me and then back again; it’s as if he thinks my picture’s gonna be on it or something. “Isn’t your name Alex Johnson?” The statement came out as more of a question than anything.

“Yeah, but I didn’t order a pizza; let alone three.” He flinched slightly at my words and continued to scan the paper.

“Is your number 521-6784?” He voice shook slightly and I couldn’t tell if it was because he was nervous or scared.

I crossed my arms in front of me and replied, “Yes, but I still didn’t order any pizza.” He stared stupidly at me and I raised my eyebrow. Does he expect me to cave just because he looks like a newbie?

“But, all your information is here.” I moved forward to look at the receipt and he backed up quickly. I immediately stopped and just looked at him. Why is he so terrified of me? I haven’t even done anything to him.

“Fine, whatever. How much is it?” I decided the best course of action is just to get the squirrelly kid away from my door. If anyone were to see us, I swear they’d think I was going to kill him or something.

He immediately perked up. He shuffled for the receipt once more. “33.50.” The slight twinge to his voice was almost prideful; like he was so freaking proud that he knew how to read a receipt. My stomach clenched a tad at the though of shelling out that much for a good deed, but I bit my tongue. It’s not like I don’t have the money for it. With all the extra hours I’ve been putting in at the hospital, plus the trust fund my parents left me, I’m pretty set. I don’t have to worry about money, but that doesn’t mean I want to throw caution to the wind and do what I please with it.

I walked into the kitchen, grabbed my wallet, and walked back to the door. I pulled out thirty-five dollars. “Keep the change,” I said as I passed the money to the nervous teen. He smiled graciously and accepted the money.

After pulling my pizzas out of the bag, he said, “Here you go.” I gave a half-hearted smile before taking the food and shutting the door in his face. I didn’t do it rudely, but the point was clear; I don’t want to see him again.

I strolled into the living room carrying the pizza. “You ordered pizza.” Mike’s voice was colored with confusion and awe. I guess pizza was his craving at the moment.

“No,” I muttered before walking back into the dining room. I pulled out all the bills to see what I had left over. 268; that was supposed to be for rent, but I’ll just pull more out later.

“Well,” Mike said as he walked into the kitchen to grab plates. “if you didn’t order it, then why is it here?” I gave him a withering look and his hands shot up in surrender. “Apparently, I’m asking the stupid questions. Am I right?”

“That’s right.” Sometimes it’s scary how well he knows me. If he can tell from just a look what I’m thinking, then we’re spending too much time together.

“Well, how about, who could have ordered the pizza if you didn’t do it.” I felt tempted to give him another pointed look, but I resisted. I have a good idea who it could be, but I don’t have any proof. “Wait, you don’t think this was Arley, do you?” Mike’s tone was both accusing and defensive. And here I was thinking he was my friend.

“Who else could it be?” I tried not to clip my voice, but I failed horribly. Why is she messing with me like this? What could I have done that was so horrible? I guess happiness is just not on the menu of my life.

“I don’t think she would do this.” Mike muttered more to himself than to me.

“If not her, then who?” My voice rose slightly and Mike looked at me surprised. I, almost immediately, ducked my head in apology. “Sorry, she’s just really starting to piss me off.”

“It’s fine. But I didn’t mean that this doesn’t seem like something she’d do, I meant that it seems a little low scale for her. Most of her plans are pretty elaborate. A prank pizza doesn’t seem like her.” I nodded in agreement. Even I have to admit, this was a little juvenile for Arley. She’s more of a schemer than a prank-on-a-whim kind of person.

Just then, there was another knock on the door. I groaned as I walked to the door and answered it. On the other side stood a cute Chinese food delivery girl. “Hi there. I have your order.” She said with enough peppiness to sugar some sweet tea. Not too far behind her I could see another delivery girl, this one carrying what looked like Thai, walking up the stairs.

Mike walked up behind me and joined me at the door. “Now this,” he said as a delivery guy walked around the corner heading for my door carrying what looked like Italian take-out. “This looks like Arley.” I groaned once more and walked back into the apartment. This is gonna be a pain in the ass, I can already tell.



An hour and a half, plus 250 dollars, later and it looked like the deliveries had stopped. “Hot damn. How much food is there?” I watched as Mike picked over the table holding all the food. He looked about ready to piss himself, he was so excited. I, however, sat on the couch in the living room with my head in my hands. Two hundred and fifty dollars! I just had to shell out almost three hundred dollars for a fucking prank. Oh, I’m gonna hurt her.

Mike came and sat next to me, putting his hand on my shoulder in the process. “Hey dude, just look at it this way, at least we don’t have to order out anymore.” I glared at his attempt at humor. “Too soon?” His voice was almost sarcastic and I couldn’t help the small smile that slipped. He patted me on the back and then got up to help himself to some food.

“What the hell am I gonna do with her?!” I screamed. Mike jumped about a mile in the air and lo mein went flying everywhere. It was his turn to give me a withering look as he grabbed the broom and dustpan.

“How do you even know it was her? Maybe it was some freshman prank?” I could tell, by the way that he held his laughter, that he thought what he said was stupid. Laughter echoed across the small apartment as he lost the battle with silence over laughter. “You gotta admit, she gotcha pretty good.”

“This isn’t funny,” I snapped back. “What the hell am I supposed to do? I don’t do shit to her and she keeps fucking with me.” I stood up and began pacing the floor. Her pranks were actually starting to cost me, literally.

“You could just continue to kill her with kindness.” Mike’s voice was nothing but sarcasm. I looked at him briefly as I crossed the room once more. He responded with a cheeky grin before getting more lo mein on his plate. He’s right; I can’t just keep taking this lying down. I have to fight back.

“No, you’re right. I can’t just keep putting up with this. Next prank she pulls, I’m gonna fight back. There’s not much I can do about this one, but the next one for sure. I’m fucking sick of this!” I couldn’t control the rage that pulsed through my veins. All I’ve ever been is sweet as freaking sugar to this psycho bitch, but not anymore. The fury that pumped through my body didn’t slow as I came to my conviction; if anything it made it stronger. I could feel my heart race and, before I knew what was happening, my fist was through the wall in the living room.

“Woah dude, what are you doing?!” I stared dumbly at my arm. I couldn’t even see my hand anymore; it’d gone so far into the wall. I pulled my fist out and cursed; my hand was all bloodied and scrapped. Mike dropped his plate and walked over to me. I tried to hide my hand from his view, but he pulled it form behind my back. “Dude,” he whispered.

“Will you please stop saying that?” I grumbled, jerked my hand back, and walked into the bathroom. A hiss of pain escaped as I ran my hand under the flowing tap. I have to see how bad it is. The blood washed away revealing a deep gash in my hand. Damn it, I can’t believe I actually punched a wall. That’s more along the lines of something my mom would do during one of her episodes. I never let my anger get the best of me like that; Arley’s the only person I’ve ever known who can get any kind of reaction out of me. I’m usually pretty neutral; some have gone as far to say that I’m apathetic. However, when it comes to Arley, it’s a different story.

Mike walked over and leaned against the doorframe. He watched silently as I grabbed the first aid kit and started bandaging my hand. I don’t think it is bad enough to need stitches, but it is gonna leave a scar. “Feel better now?” I could feel the sarcasm in his voice; I didn’t even have to look at him.

“I didn’t mean to punch the wall. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it happened.” I finished my bandage and turned to my best friend. His whole stance was casual and, if I didn’t know him any better, I’d swear he didn’t care. His eyes, however, were more worried than I’ve ever seen them.

“I’m fine, I swear. It was an impulse,” I replied to soothe his worries. I tried to walk around him, but he wouldn’t move.

“Yeah, but imagine if that was a person and not a wall. What if that was Arley?” I stopped dead in my tracks. Mike has a good point. What if that was Arley and not the wall? I shouldn’t let my temper get the best of me like that. “I think you’re in a little over your head here.”

“How so?” I balked. How can I be in over my head; I haven’t even done anything yet!

“You obviously care about her, but you aren’t getting the feelings returned. Maybe you should move...” I stared at Mike in disbelief. Granted, he has a good point, but is that really the best choice. I mean, sure she challenges me, but it’s kind of exciting. Then again, maybe it would be a good idea if I just left. It’d save me a lot of heartache in the end.

Mike walked back into the living room, leaving me to my thoughts. The more I think about it, the better the thought of moving out sounds. This is just not worth the stress.