29 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate

I woke up the next day completely sore. Dear Aunt Jemima was I sore. Sleeping in the closet will do that to you though. I crawled out the closet making weird noises along the way. “I know Paul, I’m sorry. I just felt like today I should be a dinosaur.” I said as I stood up. I looked over to Alex’s bed and saw him sleeping. Perfect, now I can mess with him even more. Time for Operation I Can See Him Why Can’t You?

Operation I Can See Him, Why Can’t You?: Pretend to have an imaginary friend and talk to them constantly. Make up situations where there would actually be more than just one person.

I walked quietly into the kitchen and started moving pots around, noisily. I grabbed the box of pancake mix and started making pancakes. I sang as loudly as I could while talking to Paul.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I heard a voice come from the doorway. Alec was finally awake.

“Making pancakes I am. Like some you would?” I giggled in a high pitched voice.

“Why are you talking like that?” He asked, grumpily, as he poured himself a cup of coffee. He leaned against the counter and watched as I made a mess of the kitchen.

“Because Paul said that I couldn’t do a Yoda voice. Pretty good I am, no?” I said as I threw the rest of the pancakes on the plate and set them on the counter.

“Umm, I guess so. Can I really have some?” Alex asked as he sat at the kitchen table.

“Oh my god! What are you doing?!” I screeched. His eyes shot open and he jumped up from the chair.

“Don’t tell me, I sat on Paul?” He asked with an incredulous look. Damn it, I guess I was a little clichéd with that one.

“Well actually, yes. But its okay, Paul told me he likes you. If you want, you can sit there again.” I said while wriggling my eyebrows. He looked a little surprised, but he sat in the other seat. I set the pancakes and syrup on the table and sat down in the seat next to Alex, since Paul was sitting in the other one.

“So, how are you today?” Alex asked. Hmm, I wonder why he’s still being nice. Oh well, I guess it wouldn’t kill to answer.

“I’m fine. Paul and I woke up and decided we wanted pancakes so we started cooking. Oh crap, we have to go.” I said as I looked at the clock. I was going to be late for my first class. I ran into the room and got dressed as fast as I could.

I ran into the bathroom to do my hair. I stopped in the doorway and stood with my hand on my hip and my foot tapping, the typical annoyed stance. “Paul, your hair looks fine.” I paused before I said; “Yes it does. My hair on the other hand is in complete disarray.” I walked into the bathroom and acted like I was fighting with someone to get in front of the mirror. I finally fell on the ground and glared at the air in front of me. “Fine, you win. I’ll do my hair in the bedroom. You are such a jerk sometimes.” I said as I picked myself up off the ground. I stomped into the bedroom and proceeded to do my hair.

When I walked back out, Alex was still standing in the hall way. Yep, that’s right, he saw the whole thing. I muttered darkly to myself as I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee to go. Alex walked into the living room to sit down I assume.

“What do you want Paul?” I said loudly. My voice was colored with annoyance. I paused as if waiting to hear what he had to say. “No, you can not have some of my coffee. Why are you being such a jerk this morning?” I said, once again loudly. I paused again.

“Well I’m sorry that I told Alex that you like him, I thought he already knew. I mean, you weren’t exactly discreet about it.” Then I had a brilliant idea. I started moving around like I was fighting some one. “Stop it, Paul.” I yelled. I screamed as I accidentally spilled my fresh, hot coffee on my self. The searing hot liquid slid down my front, completely covering my shirt. I ruffled up my hair as an added touch and walked into the living room so I could get to the bedroom.

“Well that’s just great. That’s just fucking great, Paul. Now I have to change my shirt.” I yelled as I walked. I turned towards the entrance to the kitchen. I looked at the clock. I had to leave now if I didn’t want to be late. “But guess what, I don’t have time to. Thanks a lot asshole.” I screamed as I ran into our room and got a new shirt and ran out again. I’ll have to change once I get there. “I fucking hate you!” I screamed as I slammed the front door shut behind me, all the while trying to stifle my laughter.



I returned from class to find the kitchen completely clean. I guess Alex cleaned it. I walked towards the living room but stopped when I heard voices. “Yeah, she was actually fighting with it this morning.” I heard Alex say. Was he talking about me?

“Dude, your roommate sounds totally crazy.” A random guy voice said. Another guy voice said yeah. So, he has friends over. This is gonna be great.

“Honey, I’m home.” I yelled as I walked into the living room. Alex gave me a look of complete indifference, whereas his friends looked kinda apprehensive. Oh, this is gonna be spectacular.

“Hi Alex. Hi random guys.” I said politely. I continued walking into the bedroom. I closed the door and listened to what they had to say.

“Dude, she doesn’t seem that weird.” The first, random guy voice said.

“Yeah man, and she’s freaking hot. You should tap that.” Said what I assumed was the second guy.

“Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet. And don’t talk about girls like that, it’s not cool.” Alex said. Okay he gets half a cool point for saying that. I appreciate guys not looking at females as though they are only good for two things: looking at or tapping that. Yay for him for standing up to the pervert.

I walked back into the living room wearing sweatpants and an oversized shirt. My hair was pulled back into a messy bun and I had fuzzy slippers on my feet. No, I was not dressing down for the pervert. I was dressing comfortably because I felt like lazing around today. “Paul!” I yelled as I entered the kitchen.

“Who is she talking to?” Guy #1 asked.

“Her imaginary friend.” Alex replied. They were playing video games, Halo by the looks of it.

“Paul!” I yelled again. I walked back into the living room, after having gotten a Wild Cherry Pepsi from the refrigerator, and sat on the loveseat.

“Alex?” I said in an attempt to get his attention. They were turning off the game, but he still ignored me. “Alex?” I said once again in a fake cheery tone. I hate it when people ignore me. He continued to look at the screen as Guy #2 looked through the On Demand Premium channel movies for something to watch. Alex was sitting on the couch; kinda towards the middle but not really, with Guy #1 sitting next to him and Guy #2 on the floor in front of the two of them. I got up and stood in front of the television screen with my hands on my hips.

“Alex?” I said again, this time clearly annoyed. He simply looked out the window. I growled and stomped towards him. I straddled his lap, put my hands on his face, and looked him straight in the eyes. He only looked slightly surprised, the other two, however, looked completely stunned.

“Alex?” I said with frustration.

“What?” he snapped. What’s got his panties in a wad?

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I said loudly. He was really starting to piss me off.

“You mean besides the fact that you woke me up at an ungodly hour this morning with your ruckus in the kitchen,”

“Hey, I cooked for you too.”

“Then you left me to clean up the catastrophe you left in the kitchen,”

“I was going to be late for class!”

“And now, you’re embarrassing me in front of my friends! Besides that, I’m just peachy keen.” By the time we were finished, we were screaming at each other. I was still sitting on his lap which made it possible for us to get up into each other’s faces. We glared each other down. His friends just sat and watched us, they looked slightly terrified.

That’s when I felt tears start to rise in my eyes. Give me a break; I was having a pretty rough week. I climbed off his lap and ran into the bedroom, sobbing. I ran into the closet and sat on the floor. He is such an asshole. I mean, I didn’t do anything to deserve being yelled at. I hate being yelled at. I didn’t mean to leave him to clean the kitchen, I was gonna do it when I got home!

By the time we finished or argument, we were screaming at each other. Since I was still sitting on his lap, it made it possible for us to get into each other's faces. We glared each other down, only inches from the other's face. His friends just watched on from a close-ish distance; pure shock and slight fear were etched into their faces.

Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, I felt tears start to water my eyes.



I woke up on something soft and warm. I opened my eyes only to realize I was on Alex’s bed. What the hell happened while I was sleep?!