Status: Daily(ish) updates!
Just a Handful of Letters
Andrew
Andrew,
I want to help you open up. I want to help you figure out how you feel about me. I know it's not easy to explain feelings, and I get away with it because I don't think about it. I say or write it as I think it and don't give myself a chance to back away from saying certain things. I don't want to know how you feel in words, but reactions. It took me awhile to think of a way to make it easier for you. But reactions. Automatic. Don't think about it. Instinct. First thought.
Here's how it will, or can if you want to try, get out a piece of paper, write my name across the top. Every time you think of me, take it out, write down the first thought, smile, frown, frustration, sigh, whatever your first automatic reaction. Write it down. Don't leave anything out. The only thing you have to be with this is honest. It will work if you're honest with me, you don't have to hide anything. I don't hide anything from you, or I try not to. And when I write to you, I couldn't tell you what it said because it goes straight from mind to paper before I have a chance to think through whether to say it or not. I'm lucky it follows the lines on the paper. Yet no matter how many times I say I love you, or how much I mean it, I still couldn't tell you how I know I do, or why, it just is. And I've accepted that. You should understand the feelings and emotions aren't words, they're reactions and thoughts; they're tangible ideas; they're a reason.
I asked you to Sadie's way back when on emotion -- I liked you, alot, and I had a feeling it wasn't going away. I gave you that note on Valentine's Day because I cared -- I had a feeling that you could make me happy. I gave you that letter because it hurt to wait for something I thought I could have. I felt, was, the happiest I've ever been when I was with you; even the nights you wouldn't walk with me or talk to me. And when you said goodbye, I fell apart so completely I still haven't put myself together again -- that's why I'm still so attached to you. It still hurts, alot, when you stop talking to me. And I'm trying to understand, but it doesn't work. It took me less than a month to fall in love with you, and most of a year to tell you. And it hurts that you can't even say you care. I'm so open and you're just not. You don't want to come see me, you don't want to talk to me very badly, and you just don't care that much. Do you?
I've been so frustrated recently, and not just at you, but you don't make it any easier when you don't answer those yes or not questions. It's easy. One word answer. I'd don't expect you to answer anymore. But I still love you. Above and beyond all else.
Love,
Marie
I want to help you open up. I want to help you figure out how you feel about me. I know it's not easy to explain feelings, and I get away with it because I don't think about it. I say or write it as I think it and don't give myself a chance to back away from saying certain things. I don't want to know how you feel in words, but reactions. It took me awhile to think of a way to make it easier for you. But reactions. Automatic. Don't think about it. Instinct. First thought.
Here's how it will, or can if you want to try, get out a piece of paper, write my name across the top. Every time you think of me, take it out, write down the first thought, smile, frown, frustration, sigh, whatever your first automatic reaction. Write it down. Don't leave anything out. The only thing you have to be with this is honest. It will work if you're honest with me, you don't have to hide anything. I don't hide anything from you, or I try not to. And when I write to you, I couldn't tell you what it said because it goes straight from mind to paper before I have a chance to think through whether to say it or not. I'm lucky it follows the lines on the paper. Yet no matter how many times I say I love you, or how much I mean it, I still couldn't tell you how I know I do, or why, it just is. And I've accepted that. You should understand the feelings and emotions aren't words, they're reactions and thoughts; they're tangible ideas; they're a reason.
I asked you to Sadie's way back when on emotion -- I liked you, alot, and I had a feeling it wasn't going away. I gave you that note on Valentine's Day because I cared -- I had a feeling that you could make me happy. I gave you that letter because it hurt to wait for something I thought I could have. I felt, was, the happiest I've ever been when I was with you; even the nights you wouldn't walk with me or talk to me. And when you said goodbye, I fell apart so completely I still haven't put myself together again -- that's why I'm still so attached to you. It still hurts, alot, when you stop talking to me. And I'm trying to understand, but it doesn't work. It took me less than a month to fall in love with you, and most of a year to tell you. And it hurts that you can't even say you care. I'm so open and you're just not. You don't want to come see me, you don't want to talk to me very badly, and you just don't care that much. Do you?
I've been so frustrated recently, and not just at you, but you don't make it any easier when you don't answer those yes or not questions. It's easy. One word answer. I'd don't expect you to answer anymore. But I still love you. Above and beyond all else.
Love,
Marie