These Things, I'll Never Say
One.
I have a serious problem.
No, I’m not terminally ill or anything. This is a problem that I could have got rid of myself, but for some reason, I never do. My problem is that I am far too defensive, and it’s only now that I’m realizing exactly what it’s costing me.
He’s over there with her. I love him, and I could have had a chance with him. However, I’m a paranoid, overly-defensive weirdo. I’m the classic class loser. The one who sits at the back of class glaring at everyone, wishing that they were anywhere but here. The one who goes home to her lonely room while everyone else heads to the mall or the beach. The girl who spends the entire evening on her computer while everyone else had sleepovers and house parties. I never used to be like this. People change in high school, you know? I was happy with who I was, and so I didn’t change quick enough. I alienated myself, and now I’m paying the price. After four years of constant bullying and harassment you keep yourself to yourself and you never, ever let anyone close to you. Trust no one, is the only way I can survive high school.
Of course, that makes for a very lonely existence. He was new. His name is Joseph. I’ve thought so much into this that I realized our names begin with the same letter. He’s Joseph, I’m Jodie. We have the same beginning two letters, actually.
Anyway, he’s new, and he’s one of those people who are genuinely nice to everyone. I rejected him. I don’t even know why. There’s something about him that you just know is trustworthy, but I couldn’t risk it. I’m too paranoid. I could never relax. Perhaps it’s best for him? He has such good fun with the others in the class. He doesn’t need to be sitting in the back with me, while I sulk and moan about everyone. He’s better than that.
But I loved him. I’ve never been in love before, but I’m pretty certain this is what it feels like. I know he’s interested in me, too, but I just can’t let him get close. I wish so much I could. There are so many things I want to say to him but I never will.
He has a girlfriend now.
The hardest thing I ever had to do was watch him gradually fall in love with someone else. I should be that girl leaning happily against him, but I’m not. I never will be, either, and I think that’s the most horrible thing. I wish I could catch him after school, tell him how I felt, apologize for my behaviour ... but I’ll never have the guts.
I would tell him about all the bullying. All of the times I was called names and made to think that I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. I would explain that that’s the reason I was so cold. I would ask for his forgiveness and tell him I understood that if he didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, I would understand.
I think all of this all the time. I just don’t know what to do. I have no one to blame. He tried, and I rejected him. Every day I start to hate myself more for it.
Oh, God. I was only just staring at him the whole time I was thinking this, wasn’t I? Jesus. This is embarrassing. I can hardly look away now, though, or he’ll know. I know! I’ll keep staring with a glazed expression so he thinks I’m just daydreaming. Genius, Jodie, pure gold.
I think he’s smiling at me, but I’m not sure. Should I smile back?
It goes against all of my natural instincts that I’ve built up over the years but I do. It’s a tiny, slightly pathetic excuse for a smile but I hope he gets the meaning anyway. I hope he understands what I’m trying to say.
I’m sorry. Forgive me? I love you. I want to get to know you. You’re amazing. Please, understand why I did what I did. I’m so sorry. Please, can we try again?
These things I’ll never say.
No, I’m not terminally ill or anything. This is a problem that I could have got rid of myself, but for some reason, I never do. My problem is that I am far too defensive, and it’s only now that I’m realizing exactly what it’s costing me.
He’s over there with her. I love him, and I could have had a chance with him. However, I’m a paranoid, overly-defensive weirdo. I’m the classic class loser. The one who sits at the back of class glaring at everyone, wishing that they were anywhere but here. The one who goes home to her lonely room while everyone else heads to the mall or the beach. The girl who spends the entire evening on her computer while everyone else had sleepovers and house parties. I never used to be like this. People change in high school, you know? I was happy with who I was, and so I didn’t change quick enough. I alienated myself, and now I’m paying the price. After four years of constant bullying and harassment you keep yourself to yourself and you never, ever let anyone close to you. Trust no one, is the only way I can survive high school.
Of course, that makes for a very lonely existence. He was new. His name is Joseph. I’ve thought so much into this that I realized our names begin with the same letter. He’s Joseph, I’m Jodie. We have the same beginning two letters, actually.
Anyway, he’s new, and he’s one of those people who are genuinely nice to everyone. I rejected him. I don’t even know why. There’s something about him that you just know is trustworthy, but I couldn’t risk it. I’m too paranoid. I could never relax. Perhaps it’s best for him? He has such good fun with the others in the class. He doesn’t need to be sitting in the back with me, while I sulk and moan about everyone. He’s better than that.
But I loved him. I’ve never been in love before, but I’m pretty certain this is what it feels like. I know he’s interested in me, too, but I just can’t let him get close. I wish so much I could. There are so many things I want to say to him but I never will.
He has a girlfriend now.
The hardest thing I ever had to do was watch him gradually fall in love with someone else. I should be that girl leaning happily against him, but I’m not. I never will be, either, and I think that’s the most horrible thing. I wish I could catch him after school, tell him how I felt, apologize for my behaviour ... but I’ll never have the guts.
I would tell him about all the bullying. All of the times I was called names and made to think that I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. I would explain that that’s the reason I was so cold. I would ask for his forgiveness and tell him I understood that if he didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, I would understand.
I think all of this all the time. I just don’t know what to do. I have no one to blame. He tried, and I rejected him. Every day I start to hate myself more for it.
Oh, God. I was only just staring at him the whole time I was thinking this, wasn’t I? Jesus. This is embarrassing. I can hardly look away now, though, or he’ll know. I know! I’ll keep staring with a glazed expression so he thinks I’m just daydreaming. Genius, Jodie, pure gold.
I think he’s smiling at me, but I’m not sure. Should I smile back?
It goes against all of my natural instincts that I’ve built up over the years but I do. It’s a tiny, slightly pathetic excuse for a smile but I hope he gets the meaning anyway. I hope he understands what I’m trying to say.
I’m sorry. Forgive me? I love you. I want to get to know you. You’re amazing. Please, understand why I did what I did. I’m so sorry. Please, can we try again?
These things I’ll never say.