Freedom to Starve

The band had crowded around in Matt’s living room, several of their closest friends included. It had been this way for the past week and a half. They’d crowded into Matt’s living room, not a single one of them wanting to be left alone because they’d be left to their own devises.

Zacky was leaned back against the wall, the particular mattress that he and Brian had shared was against the wall while the other mattresses were scattered around Matt’s living room.

“You guys...I was thinking about something we could all do for Jimmy.” Jason paused, shuffling through his bag. His voice was void of emotion, almost robotic sounding as all eyes in the room shifted to the guitar tech.

Jason gave a last tug on an item that was evidently buried in his bag. A small, black bag emerged before he turned to the now anxious pairs of eyes.

“I made these, I don’t know what any of you will think of them but I thought they would be a good...homage to Rev.” Jason pulled on the string of the bag and reached in, pulling out a handful of necklaces that he untangled within moments. He stood and moved around the room, handing one to each of the ten people in the room, including himself. As he took his seat, he lifted the necklace over his head, slipping it through the loop.

Settling back against the wall, the guitar tech looked to each and every person. Matt was clutching the necklace in his hand, Val was trying to hold back the emotions the simple bolt brought up inside of her. And then, his eyes reached Brian.

Brian’s face was unreadable for a moment before it turned a shade of red, his eyes moving up to make contact with Jason’s. Frowning a bit more before he actually voiced his opinion, “You fucking took his kit apart, Jason?! Are you fucking serious?! I mean, fuck. You know...you shouldn’t have done that!”

Not another word was spoken as Brian stood and stormed out of the living room and eventually, the front door was slammed behind him. Zacky stood and made his way after Brian, biting down on his lip as he turned the necklace he’d just been given over in his hand.

“Brian! Wait. You son of a bit-” Zacky was cut short as he let out an ‘oof,’ running straight into the back of Brian. He’d stopped without warning and turned around slowly, his eyes a bit harsher than they probably were meant to be.

A bit unnerved, Zack took a few steps back so there was maybe a foot of distance between them. Wringing his hands together, he sighed, taking in Brian’s overall appearance. He’d since changed after they got to Matt’s house, he was now in a shirt and a pair of shoes, his hair disheveled and overall just looking like he was dealing with some demons of his own. That much was obvious from a distance, whether you knew it or not.

“Look, Zack.” Brian sighed, shaking his head as he looked at his boyfriend, a mixture of confusion, pain and anger taking over his features. “I just...I have to leave and just be alone for a bit, okay? It’s not you or anyone else, it’s me. Me. Okay?”

Brian could see that his words bothered Zack which just caused another sigh to emanate from his lips before he reached out and pulled the other guitarist into his arms. He exhaled, running a hand through Zacky’s hair shortly followed by a tender kiss to his forehead. “I love you, I just need some time alone.”

Zacky forced himself to nod, taking a step back and watching Brian climb into his car, maneuvering out of the driveway.

“I love you,” the whisper barely reached his own ears as he watched Brian disappear. Zack sighed and wrapped his arms around his ribcage, giving a light squeeze before he turned on his heel and headed back into the house.



Zacky had been sitting on the mattress in Matt’s living room that he would have shared with Brian if he hadn’t left. He’d been like this for nearly three hours, drifting in and out of the conversation. With a brief break of silence, Zack let out a sigh and pushed himself off the mattress as he grabbed his car keys on the table next to his mattress.

“I think I’m going to go home and check up on Brian,” he voiced, making his rounds around the room. He hugged each person, telling them he loved them. It had become a habit between the group since Jimmy’s passing, the threat of never seeing any given one of them again fresh in their mind. Reaching Matt, he hesitated as the vocalist finally released him, giving Zack a hard look.

“Take care of him, okay?”

“I will, I promise,” Zacky whispered, returning the intensity of Matt’s look. He hesitated, offering a nod of his head as if to give back up to what he said before he turned on his heel and walking out of the house. Climbing into his car, he started the engine before backing out and heading home.

Zacky pulled into the driveway, his eyes on the house. Shaking off the bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, he pulled one of his lip rings into his mouth and sucked on it as he pulled into the garage. Turning off the engine and stepping out, he dropped his keys into his pocket before making his way into the house.

Hesitating in the door way, he waited for a moment before the sound of a guitar reached him from the den area.

“Brian?”

Things being around could be heard for a moment after Zacky announced his presence before Brian emerged from the den. Zack hesitated, taking his boyfriend’s appearance in for a moment. His heart skipped a beat when he noticed the necklace hanging around Brian’s neck, the one identical to his own. And his eyes. His eyes were red and from his distance, it wasn’t possible to tell if they were swollen but it was still evident that Brian had been crying.

Brian looked back at his boyfriend, sniffling a bit as he bit into his own lip. With another moment’s hesitation, he opened his arms, wanting a hug from Zacky now. “Can I have a hug? Please?”

Zacky could feel the tears that welled in his eyes as he walked, closing the distance between them. Reaching his boyfriend, he wrapped his arms tightly around Brian’s waist and leaned up, pressing his lips to Brian’s. That was all it took to make the tears that had been threatening to fall all day take the journey down Brian’s cheeks.

“Why’d he have to die, Z?” Brian whispered, burying his face into Zack’s shoulder as his body began to shake, feeling like his emotions had finally found the passageway to his heart. His tears started falling as he buried his face into Zacky’s shoulder, clutching at his boyfriend’s shirt as his face contorted in pain.

“Shh.” That was the only thing that Zacky could think of to say, running a hand through Brian’s hair, rubbing his back as he tried to comfort the guitarist.

”C’mere,” he murmured quietly, taking Brian’s hand and leading him into the living room. Once they reached the couch, Zacky pulled Brian down and held him close, trying to comfort his boyfriend the best way he knew how to. By forgetting his own feelings for the time being and just consoling Brian, singing quietly in his ear until he’d fallen asleep on his chest.