Miserable at Best

“Ian, I don’t think this is going to work anymore.” I was sitting on the park bench with Kate, my girlfriend. Kate was gorgeous. Brown hair that curled with the humidity, big brown eyes with lashes so long that the irises almost appeared black, and a dimple in her left cheek that made her smile both lopsided and adorable. Yes, gorgeous. She and I had been dating for almost two years, and had been best friends long before that, ever since my family bought the house beside hers.

“What are you talking about?” I murmured, stroking her hair with one hand and leaning in for a kiss. She gently turned her head to the right, pulling away. I took my hand from her hair and turned her face back towards me. “What are you talking about? Katie, what’s wrong?”

Kate shifted her eyes down and I could make out a tear rolling down her cheek. “I don’t wasn’t to do this anymore,” she said barely above a whisper.

“Do what?” My forehead creased.

“Us. I want to… I want to be friends again.”

“Katie, we are friends. We’ve always been friends.”

She finally made eye contact, her dark eyes meeting mine. “Just friends.”

They always say it takes a minute to sink in. In my case, however, her words hit me like the Wicked Witch’s house. “Are you… breaking up with me?” It sure as hell sounded like it.

“Ian, I love you. I’ve always loved you. I just don’t love you enough.”

“So you’re breaking up with me.” I knew she could hear the hurt and anger lingering in my voice. I breathed deeply. “You’re breaking up with me.”

“I want to be friends.”

“I want to be your boyfriend.”

“I love you, Ian,” she said, the tears pouring out of her eyes now evident. “Friends or nothing. It’s up to you.” I was silent. I wanted Kate. I needed her. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to take it – seeing her and not being able to press my lips to hers.

She stood then, bringing me back. I liked around at the kids on the swings, the man tugging one end of a rope, his dog bearing the other end between his teeth. As far as they knew, life was normal. They had no idea that nearby a world was ending as this girl walked away from this boy.

* * * * *

Jesus, Ian. Let it go.” It was Friday, almost a week later, and I was sitting in the cafeteria, full tray in front of me, with no appetite to speak of. Instead, I was staring across the cafeteria, three tables over. She was sitting there. Sitting amongst her friends, a group in which I was no longer included. One of them, Sam, was sitting a little too close to Kate and was laughing with her a little too much. I couldn’t stand it.

“Ian. Ian! Let. It. Go.” I snapped my attention back to the table. I was sitting with my friends, who had all been begging me to forget about her. They had been trying to convince me to go to the homecoming dance on Saturday, to put myself out there or something along those lines. Instead of replying, I grabbed my still-full tray and went to dump it in the trashcan.

And she was there. I hadn’t spoken to her since that Saturday in the park, and we’d been avoiding each other all week. I stopped, tray hovering above the trashcan. “Katie.”

She looked up slowly, locking eyes with me only briefly and then looking away. She threw away her garbage and kept walking. I watched her go, watched her as Sam met her at the cafeteria door, watched as she smiled at him. I dumped my food, tray and all, into the trashcan.

* * * * *

Saturday night. I should’ve been at the homecoming dance with Kate. It would have marked our two year anniversary. Not the date, but the event. I’d asked her out at the homecoming dance our sophomore year.

And so I had refused to go.

The doorbell rang at 7:45. “Ian!” my sister shrieked from her bedroom. “Get the door!” Annaliese, a sophomore, was going to homecoming with the guy she had been crushing on since the beginning of time. The doorbell rang again. “Ian! Answer the door!”

Unwilling to abandon the sandwich I had been eating, I made my way to the door with it in hand. Standing on our front porch was Ethan. As far as I could tell, he was an okay guy. Regardless, I just stared at him.

“Um, hey? I’m here to get Annaliese?” He didn’t seem to know what to do with me.

“Yeah, I know.” Why the hell else would he be at our house?

My sister, probably hearing him from upstairs ran down the stairs. She was wearing a short blue dress that poofed out at the waist. It was the same color Kate had worn for the dance two years ago.

Annaliese gave Ethan an apologetic look, rolled her eyes at me, and closed the door behind her. I went back to my room with my sandwich.

The house was so quiet for the next three hours that I actually considered going to the dance just to get away from myself. Instead, I waited for my sister to return so I wouldn’t be alone.

Just after eleven, I heard voices on the street. I went to my window to look for Annaliese and Ethan, but it wasn’t them. As I pulled the curtain back I could see another girl and a guy passing just in front of our house. The first I immediately recognized as Kate. The guy she was with became apparent as they got closer. It was Sam. Obviously.

She looked up at my window as they passed. Maybe out of habit, maybe because she saw the light on, maybe because she still loved me. Or not. There was fog on the window and as she looked up, I used my index finger to write three words on the glass, backwards to me, so she could read them. She turned her head away as soon as she saw them and giggled at whatever Sam was saying. As I stared at them, the condensation on the window began to drip down the window pane. It’s called irony. It was the perfect metaphor of my face.