Oh, I Never Meant to Cause You Trouble

Asher and I sat in the white on white waiting room of the hospital. We must’ve been a sight to see- he was sporting a Pink Floyd t-shirt and jeans as I wore a long, strapless evening gown.

We haven’t said anything since the car. To much relief, a doctor was tending to Elle, and I reluctantly called my parents. “You want to talk about it?” he asked softly.

My eyes burned a little as I swallowed hard, “my sister has an eating disorder,” my voice cracked as I lowered my voice in fear that someone would hear her secret. It was the first time I actually said it out loud.

Asher wasn’t sure what to say, but his hand grazed mine as he gave a hopeful smile, “I bet she’s glad to have a sister like you.” I turned to him, studying his creased worry lines and pink lips.

If I wasn’t in total worry for Elle, I may’ve kissed him right then and there. Then again, probably not, because we were in a public place, and he was my teacher.

There you go again, Gem.

A doctor walked towards us, and we scooted farther apart, “Elle wants to see you.” I nodded, sending Asher a look to say thanks.

Walking up to Elle, she sat up in her bed, careful that she didn’t disturb the tubes that were connected to her. I bit my lip as I trembled, “You promised.”

She looked a little sad, “I know, and I’m sorry.” she leaned even closer so I could hear her, since her voice was very strained, “thank you for saving me- and thank that man too.” I nodded, walking to Elle‘s bedside, although various monitors and machines surrounded her.

“I called Mom and Dad,” her face fell a little bit, “you were admitted to the hospital, they have to know,” I added, tilting my head in sympathy. Taking her hand, I squeezed it tightly, “now you can get the help you need.”

She seemed embarrassed, but understood. Suddenly Mom rushed in, followed by Dad and flung herself on Elle‘s bed, “I’m so sorry sweetie, I had no idea.”

As Mom babbled on a long and very necessary apology, Dad patted my shoulder. “You’re a great sister to Elle,” he praised. I gave him a half smile and told them I would leave them alone. Mom and Dad told me they’d likely spend the night at the hospital, then once more huddled around Elle, listening to what she had to say- she looked up at me one more time and mouthed thank you.

Shutting the door slowly, I walked to where Asher still sat. He stood up as I walked closer, “take me home?” he smiled and we walked side by side to his car.

Knowing full well that the last thing I wanted was to go home to an empty house, he turned to me, “I want to show you something.” In a matter of minutes, we pulled into a clearing in the forest that surrounded the town. By the look of its refined beauty, it was obviously rarely visited by anyone but the animals. The moon shone on a soft patch of grass and a distant stream bubbled quietly.

We left the car doors open and got out, looking up at the moon. “I love this place.”

“Thought you would,” he looked up at the moon, then to me, “I’m really sorry for treating you the way I did. It’s just- unfair.”

Nodding slowly, I leaned on him lightly, “I know,” and after a few seconds I caved, “I’m sorry too.”

Having an idea, he walked back to the car, turning up his radio which was playing Wait by Alexi Murdoch.

I grinned as he slowly took his time reaching me, “what is this?” I asked.

Asher shrugged, dangerously close, “I figured you missed out on a slow dance tonight.” I was about to say something clever but he put his hands on my hips and pulled me close to him. We swayed in the tall grass as my hands were wrapped around his neck, leaning into his chest and taking in his scent of spearmint and freshly mowed grass.

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slit now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me

In that instant- we both truly forgave everything that has happened for the past couple of weeks- it was that simple. It was too perfect a moment to hold a grudge. And as songs changed, as the moon hid behind the clouds, we still held onto each other.

Although we didn’t want to say it out loud- it was clear that once I went home, everything would be back to the way it was.

And as sun threatened to rise, Asher kissed my shoulder, and leaned his forehead against mine, “I wish this wouldn‘t have to end.”

I stroked his hair and searched into his eyes pleadingly, silently agreeing, “but this moment is all we’ve got.” I kissed his lips desperately and smiled. “So let’s just hold onto it.”

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I woke up at noon as I heard the door open. By getting home at 5 in the morning, I managed to get my sleep in before they came home from the Hospital.

“We’re home!” Dad yelled. Dashing to the top of the stairs, my face fell a little to see Elle. She looked so week, so helpless. Limping slowly up the stairs, I met her halfway and helped the rest of the way up.

After I tucked her into bed with her laptop on her lap, I sat beside her, “how do you feel?”

She thought for a second, “Weak, but okay.”

Conflicted on whether I should ask, I did it anyways, “Why did you binge, Elle?” she became really interested in her computer screen, “why did you do it, after I distinctively remembering telling you to stop?”

“Not now,” she mumbled quietly.

Standing up, I crossed my arms, “from the scare you did all of us last night, I think now is perfect.”

She set the laptop down as she fumed, “all my friends were doing it!” she raised her voice, “how could I not? Not like you’d understand at all.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“YOUR SKINNY. You can eat tons and it won’t even matter.” she paused for a second, “just get out.” I gave her a sorry look, “LEAVE.”

I heard my parents climbing the steps, “what is going on here?” my Mom asked angrily, like it was my fault. Oh, how the tables have turned in just one night.

As if on queue, Elle began to cry. “Gem is upsetting me,” she whined.

Mom gave me a scornful glare, “leave your sister alone, she’s gone through so much.”

“But she-”

“How about you just get out of the house for a couple hours,” my Dad suggested calmly.

Staring between the both of them, I stormed out of her room and into mine. I quickly changed into running shorts, grabbed my ipod and was out the door.

I started on a route that would be 3 miles there and back. My breath was visible in the air, and I took in the fresh fall afternoon. So many boats of problems swam through my head and I had trouble blocking them out even as I sprinted to various goals- a mailbox, a street sign, anything to not think about things. Which was near impossible.

For a start, Elle, who was once my little content sister, is now a sulky teenager who purges to find perfection. Once so forgiving, is now winning over Mom and Dad with her cute pout and weak demeanor. And as hard as they try, I know she will continue to purge with her friends, but figures it’s a nice way to have sympathy when you’ve ‘gone to the hospital and fully recovered the next day’.

And then there was Asher- who puts all the high school boys to shame. Just thinking about him made my heart ache, as lame as it sounded. And right after he dropped me off this morning, I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling, coming to a conclusion.

It is a terrible thing to know what you want, and know that you can’t have it at all.

I guess I could just find some random boy at school and hope that his wit and charm would erase any romantic feeling I had for Asher Bates. If only it was that easy. It was as if I found the best, most perfect portrait in a frowned upon gallery. But as I searched for paintings in more accepted galleries, all I could think about was that painting, comparing them to the unique portrait I took a liking to straight away.

My deep thinking neglected the fact that I was in a street I didn’t recognize. I stopped running in a matter of seconds, making my head spin. Looking in both directions, I turned back around and tried to unriddle whatever idiotic path I had taken.

By the time I had gotten home, Mom was just about to take a tray of food upstairs- funny, I would think a bulimic patient in the midst of recovering should wait to eat.

Following her up, I went to shower. As I got ready for bed, the door of the bathroom was open, so I could see Elle in her room, complaining to Mom about some assignment.

“I just don’t think I’m up for school for a few days, anyways,” Elle stated dramatically as Mom nodded in understanding.

“Well you take your time, I can stay home if you want on Monday.”

I turned in disbelief, don’t stay it Elle, don’t be so selfish. Her eyes flashed to me quickly, before softening back to Mom, “that sounds great.”

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Relieved for any excuse to get out of the house, I met Sadie, Lilly and Val at an adorable cupcake store on the main street.

“Here she comes,” Sadie smiled as I pulled into a space next to Val’s car. Getting out, Lilly had an awed look on her face.

“Your actually on time,” she sputtered, I laughed and patted her shoulder.

“Told you I’d make it on time.” We filed through the doors, each ordering a coffee and a red velvet cupcake- our tradition when we always come here.

Sitting down, Val was the first to say something, “so how was everyone’s time at the dance?”

“It was so great!” Sadie gushed.

Lilly wasn‘t convinced, “How was Grant?”

“Oh he was-” she stopped mid sentence and chilled out a bit, only I know that she likes him anyways, “he was good.”

Val laughed, “well I had a really good time,” she added a wink and we all got what she meant, except for Sadie.

“What are you insinuating?”

She rolled her eyes, “what do you think?” Sadie looked embarrassed and took a sip of her coffee.

“How was it?” Of course Lilly is interested, she’s been talking my ear off for months now on how she wants her and Will’s first time to be perfect.[i/]

“It was alright- we were in the back of his pickup truck, so there wasn’t much room,” Val shrugged. I couldn’t believe it- well in Val’s case I could. But I would never want to lose it to some guy in a pickup truck in which I’m betting some public place- I would want it to be special. And I bet the two others sitting at the table would agree with me.

“That’s a sickening thought,” Sadie mumbled. I laughed out loud, but then quieted when Val gave me a weird look.

“What about you?” she propped he up head by her elbows and narrowed her eyes, “why’d you leave so early?”

Okay Gem, your fine. “I was getting tired.”

“Really? Or did you leave with someone?” Val tested.

“No- just tired.”

“You totally left with a guy! Who is he? Do we know him?”

Yes, you do. “Nope, you don’t. Because there is no guy!”

Lilly held onto my hand, “what happened? Just tell us why you left- I know you, something’s up.”

I pulled away from Lilly to break off a piece of my cupcake. “Nothing happened! Elle felt a little sick and I was getting tired so we walked home, big whoop.” She looked a little hurt, “sorry- but that’s what happened.” To block out the guilt of lying, I glanced at my phone, widening my eyes at the time, “I have to go.”

Standing up abruptly, I hugged each girl then turned on my heel and was out the door. Tears spilled over my cheeks as I walked, clutching my phone tightly to my chest, I really didn’t have to go.

Why didn’t I just tell them everything? How my sister has an eating disorder, how I am falling hard for a guy I can’t have and how desperately lonely I feel at home.

I know the answer for that- you simply just can’t. The rule is to keep it to yourself and act as if nothing’s wrong.

And that is exactly what I’ll do.

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