Don't Waste Your Breath, It's Too Late

His fingers lingered over my wrist, over my scars, over my past. He locked eyes with mine and gave me a soft smile. Did it feel weird that he wanted to see my scars? Sort of, but I think that I was happy that he accepted me for who I was; my past and all. No, he didn’t know the whole story. In fact he only really knew about what the magazine had said, and a little of what I had told him the day we both disappeared. I wasn’t afraid to tell him, though. I wasn’t afraid that he was going to leave. I trusted him. I wasn’t sure why I trusted him so quickly, but I did. And that said a lot about our friendship.

“Do you ever wish you could rewind life and redo it a different way?” Jay asked curiously, his finger still brushing over my wrist.

I sighed, not sure how to answer his question. “Sometimes, but than again no.” I shook my head. “I know that sounds weird, but I don’t know. I mean, if certain things hadn’t happened throughout my life than I would be here right now, and my dad and I wouldn’t be trying to fix our relationship.”

Jay nodded, letting me know he understood.

“I wonder sometimes what my dad thought I’d grow up like. I mean, obviously I haven’t grown up according to his plan, but I wonder what exactly that was. You know, like what he thought I was gonna do and who I was gonna be.” I admitted to him.

He chuckled and looked down at me as I was sprawled out on the floor, my head resting against his stomach as his back rested against the side of my bed. “You’re just in deep thought today, aren’t you, Eliza?” He teased.

“I guess so.” I nodded with a small laugh. “I’ve just been thinking a lot about the other night. I think…I think my dad and I are finally making progress with each other.”

“And does that shock you?” Jay wondered, raising an eyebrow at me.

I nodded and said, “Yeah, because when I first came here I was so focused on just rebelling against him and everyone else. But now, I’m glad we’re fixing our relationship. In fact, I’m glad my mom sent me here. If she hadn’t, I could be dead right now.”

“Does that scare you to think about?”

“Mhmm,” I mumbled. “I’ve realized that I don’t want die. I have a purpose in this life and I’m supposed to live. I just don’t know what that purpose is yet.”

“Maybe one day you’ll be a world famous drummer like Jimmy is.” Jay grinned before licking over his lips.

“Possibly,” I smiled and rolled my eyes.

Drumming for a world famous band and making music for thousands of fans was something I did think about occasionally. I guess being apart of the Avenged family and them being such a famous band did that to me. Yes, the band did keep my father away from me practically my entire life, but I was glad that they were able to make music that they loved and share with so many people that loved them as well. That’s something that I definitely dreamt of doing some day.

“What are your dreams?” I asked him.

“Well,” He sighed, “My dad expects me to follow in his footsteps and be a DEA agent.” He explained.

“I didn’t know your dad was a one of those drug cops.”

“I never told you?” He questioned, narrowing his eyes slightly.

“No,” I laughed and shook my head. “But I mean it’s not a big deal or anything.” I added, letting him know that I didn’t care. It wasn’t something that was going to put a strain on our friendship or anything.

Jay chuckled. “I know that, Eliza.”

“So, your dad wants you to be a DEA agent like him, but what do you want to do?” I asked, knowing that he had to have had dreams of his own. I mean, everyone has something they dream of doing someday in the future.

“You know, this might surprise you but I actually want to play professional soccer.” He admitted to me.

“Really?” I asked. Jay didn’t seem like the type of guy who wanted to kick a soccer ball around, so of course I was surprised like he thought I’d be.

He nodded with a sly smile. “I’ve been playing soccer since I was seven, and I love it. It’s like when I’m on that field and I’ve got ball, it’s the best feeling. I can’t really explain it any better than that.” He laughed.

“No,” I said. “I get what you’re saying. It’s the same thing as when I’m behind the drum set playing. I feel like nothing can stop me, and nothing can hurt me; almost as if I’m invincible.”

“Exactly,” Jay agreed with a large grin. “So, when I’m gonna get to hear you play anyways?” He questioned, causing me to frown.

I wasn’t sure how to answer his question. I hadn’t been played since mom had died, and at the moment I didn’t feel ready to play. I felt like something was missing, and that alone was stopping me from getting behind that drum set. I knew someday I’d have to face it, but I figured that I’d deal with one thing at a time.

I pulled my wrist away from his hand and sat up before turning around to face him. My hands brushed across my thighs for a moment, and then I proceeded to fold my arms over my chest. “I’m not really sure, Jay. I haven’t played in awhile, and right now I don’t think I’m ready.”

“Okay,” He simply said with a small nod.

I smiled; glad he had left the subject alone and hadn’t pushed it. That was one thing I definitely appreciated with Jay. If he sensed I didn’t want to talk about it, he dropped the subject. He didn’t push me to talk about certain things, where as a lot of people would. The conversation was just over, and before I knew it we were talking about something completely different.

--

“You and that Jay kid seem pretty close.” Matt brought up as I walked back into the kitchen after walking Jay to the door.

He had spent the entire day with me, claiming that if I was skipping school for one more day then he would as well to keep me company, but tomorrow we would both be going back to school. I was nervous, yes. But I was glad that Jay would be by my side. We only have three classes together not including gym and lunch, so a few of my classes are going to suck, but I know I need to get my diploma. So basically, I’m going to try and ignore all the other teenagers around me. I’m not going to pay attention to them and their harsh words, and give them the satisfaction of them thinking that what they say hurts, when in reality it really doesn’t anymore. Why should I care what strangers think of me? All the information they know about me and my life, came from some stupid magazine article. So obviously they don’t matter and neither do their opinions of me. I have my family and I have Jay, and as far as I’m concerned right now, they’re all I need.

“He’s just a good friend, Uncle Matt.” I laughed and rolled my eyes at whatever he was thinking

He nodded as a laugh erupted from the back of his throat. “Sure he is.” He said, and I couldn’t help but notice the sarcasm in his voice.

I sighed and sat down in one of the kitchen chairs at the end of table where dad and Matt sitting as well, just across from one another. I looked back in forth for a moment between the both of them before glancing at Matt.

“How’s Aunt Val doing?” I asked softly.

He looked up from the beer he was sipping on and shook his head. “Not so good.”

I nodded, accepting his answer. I knew she couldn’t be doing that well. “Well, what about Vanessa? How is she?” I questioned.

I could feel dad’s eyes on me as I asked that questioned, and before Matt could answer he interrupted. “Are you sure you’re okay, Eliza?” Dad asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” I narrowed my eyes, confused as to what he meant by that.

Dad laughed and shook his head. “No offense, honey. But you don’t exactly like Vanessa. In fact, you told me you hated her.”

“I know,” I sighed and nodded. “And that was wrong of me to say. I can’t hate family, and I’m sorry. I don’t hate anyone in this family. I mean, how can I? Everyone’s been supportive, and it’s really showed me what family’s all about.”

Dad and Matt exchanged a look before grins broke out on both of their faces. “I’m glad to hear you say that.” Dad said before taking a sip of his beer.

I nodded and said nothing else. I sat there for a few more minutes, while they talked about the band and other things. I couldn’t help but wear a small smile on my lips as I thought about how far I’ve come with everything. I was glad that our relationship was really getting better. I knew that I still had a lot of work to do, and a lot to talk about with Dr. Russell, but I knew that either way I was going to be okay, and things could only get better from there.