Don't Waste Your Breath, It's Too Late

I could hear the loud thunder and the pouring rain from outside as I sat across from a man who I had actually began to like lately. His eyes watched me closely, waiting for me to say something, anything. I knew we had a lot to talk about, but I wasn’t sure how to start the conversation. I shifted uncomfortably on the leather couch before looking up at him.

Finally he asked, “Have you had anymore thoughts of suicide, Eliza?”

I bit down on my lip slightly, hiding the small smile that wanted to dance over my lips. I shook my head back in forth for a moment before stopping. That wasn’t necessarily the entire truth. I had thought about it a little bit, but then I realized that I actually had a lot to live for.

“I did a little bit, but not anymore.” I told him.

“What changed?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at me curiously.

Well,” I paused and smile softly. “I learned that I have a lot to live for. Why would I want ruin that for myself by committing suicide?”

He nodded and chuckled lightly. “You have a good point there.” He told me. “So tell me. What do you have to live for?”

“My family, but most importantly my dad.” I said immediately. “But that’s not all. I have a dream like any other person, and I want to live and succeed by doing what I love some day.”

“Something’s changed in you this past week, Eliza.” Dr. Russell shook his head, almost not believing it. “Why is that? What changed?”

“I guess I just finally opened my eyes.” I said. “I didn’t think that it would happen. I didn’t think that I could actually stop cutting. And I never believed that my dad and I could fix our relationship. But I’ve been proven wrong in so many ways, and I’m glad.”

Dr. Russell nodded his head a few times and took down some notes. “What about your self-harming? How’s that been?”

I leaned forward and pulled up both of my sleeves, proving to him that I hadn’t self-harmed since the night we had to go to the hospital. “I’ve craved it, but I haven’t actually gone through it.” I explained.

“Good, that’s very good. But what about your palm?” He asked, looking down at the cut on my palm from when the razor blade dug into it.

“That was an accident.” I assured him. “It didn’t happen on purpose.”

He raised an eyebrow at me again for a few moments before nodding in approval. We went on to talk about Jay and I, considering he was the one who wanted us to hang out with each other in the first place. I told him how close we had actually gotten. And strangely enough, I thanked Dr. Russell for introducing us. After talking about Jay and I, and discussing about mine and dad’s relationship, time was up.

“I’ll hope to see you and Jay both Thursday.” He had said to me, and I told him he definitely would.

It wasn’t long before dad and I were sitting in the car, on the way home. Walk by Pantera flowed from the speakers quietly, and I itched to turn it up, but I refrained from doing so.

Finally, dad glanced over at me with a simple smile tugging at his lips. “So, how was it?” He questioned.

I knew he was curious, and I could tell the second I walked out of Dr. Russell’s office, he had wanted to ask me about it. But he hadn’t, he had left it alone. I thought maybe he wouldn’t bring it up at all, but I had a feeling that wasn’t going to be the case.

“Great,” I simply said with a small shrug. “Things are getting better.”

“You know,” He started. “I knew they would. I truly did.” He chuckled. “You couldn’t rebel
forever, Eliza.”

I laughed and playfully rolled my eyes. “Shut up.”

The rest of the night consisted of eating delivered pizza with dad, Jay, and Jimmy, catching up on all my homework, and watching some weird horror movie. It was a pretty decent night, and things seem to be turning normal; whatever normal was.

I new things were only going to get better, considering it had already gotten as worse as it could have, and that made me thankful. There had been so many bad things had happened to me over the past few years, and now all of that seemed to be forgotten. Of course, I’d never forget about the car accident and Elijah and Nathan dying, and I would never forget about mom passing away. But the rest of it seemed to have been disappearing from my brain. I’ll admit, I still miss Noah a little bit, but then again I don't. He was a big reason and part of why I wanted to kill myself. He had convinced me to do drugs, which only made things worse.

Now the past is the past, and I’m hoping it stays that way.