Don't Waste Your Breath, It's Too Late

Apparently I had suicidal tendencies, or at least that’s what the doctor said after he bandaged up my wrist the night before. He told me I was very lucky I hadn’t cut any deeper or I might not be here right now. In other words I would have died. My fingers traced over the white bandage that was covered by my gray sleeve as I wondered what stopped me from cutting any deeper than I wanted too. Unfortunately, I had no answer. I’m not sure what stopped me.

I sat on the floor curled up in a blanket as I watched the rain pour outside the living room window. The house was quiet, too quiet. Dad was down in the basement doing what ever it was he did, trying to concentrate on something other than me I assumed. He was worried about me and I knew that. How could I not? Every time I looked him in the eyes I could see the concern he felt towards me. But I didn’t feel bad about it. There was no guilt what so ever. He was feeling exactly like I was when Elijah passed and I had to deal with mom by myself.

I watched through the window as I saw Matt’s SUV pull into the driveway. He was alone as he got out of his car and ran to the front door in order to stay dry from the rain. He had a key, so there was no reason for me to get up and open the door for him. Faintly, I heard the key turn the lock before the front door opened. “Brian, Eliza,” He called out. I didn’t respond though, he’d find me soon enough.

His footsteps got closer and a minute later I knew he was behind me, starring a whole right through my back. “Eliza,” He said quietly walking closer to me. I didn’t respond and I didn’t turn to look at him. “I heard what happened.” He said, placing his hand on my shoulder letting me know he was there for me. “You will get through this. It may seem hard, but you’ll be okay in the end.” I appreciated the advice and his heartfelt words, but I didn’t believe them. I just couldn’t, it was too hard.

I shrugged his hand off of my shoulder before standing up from the floor I was sitting on. “Don’t talk to me.” I muttered, before walking out of the room.

“Eliza,” He called out, following after me.

“Leave me the fuck alone!” I shouted as I reached the foyer.

I pulled on my converse before walking out the front door, slamming it behind me. I pulled my hoodie over my head and took off running through the cold, pouring rain. I wasn’t sure where exactly I was going; all I knew was that I felt as if I was being suffocated in that house, and I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed out.

--

It was hours before I finally returned home, and the storm had finally passed. Unfortunately I was drenched from the rain, my clothes and all. I knew immediately once I saw all the guys’ cars in the driveway that I was in a lot of trouble for just suddenly disappearing like I did. I sighed heavily and trudged through threw the wet grass. I wanted nothing more than to run the opposite direction, but I knew that if I did that then things would be worse once I faced them. I turned the doorknob on the front door before pushing it wide open. Before I could even close the door behind me six angry guys were starring at me. Yeah, you read correctly, not five but six. That included dad, Matt, Zacky, Jimmy, Johnny and worst of all Papa Gates.

“Where the fuck have you been, Eliza?” Dad’s angry voice bounced off the foyer walls.

I stopped myself from laughing, knowing that would get me in a lot more trouble. “Out,” I said simply, folding my arms over my chest.

“Out? You were out?” He questioned stepping forward. “Where the fuck is out?” He demanded to know through his gritted teeth.

Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh. “Oh, you know around town.” I shrugged, a Haner smirk tugging at my lips.

Suddenly Val pushed past the guys angrily, shooting them a glare. “Back off,” She told them before walking over to me. “Come on Honey, let’s get you out of these wet clothes before you get sick.” She said softly, placing a warm blanket over my shoulders.

“Thanks,” I said quietly, tugging at the blanket. It wasn’t until then I realized how cold I happened to be.

Val and I walked past the guys and up the staircase to my room. I stood beside my bed and watched as Val rummaged through the suitcase I had yet to unpack, looking for some clothes for me to change into.

“Are these okay?” She asked as she turned around and showed me the black sweatpants and the dark purple long sleeve shirt in her hands.

I nodded, “Yeah,”

She smiled softly at me as I took the clothing items from her. “I’m sorry for disappearing.” I apologized, locking my eyes with hers. I felt the need to apologize to her, considering I knew she worried more easily than the guys.

“I’m just glad you’re okay, Eliza.” She said, bringing me into a short, tight hug. “The guys will be over this in no time. It’s not like you ran away for days. You were only gone for a few hours and that’s not a crime.”

I gave her small smile once she pulled away. I was glad she was being so understanding about everything unlike everyone else. “Thanks Aunt Val,” I said, lowering my gaze to the floor.

“It’s not a problem, sweetheart.” She assured me. “Now, you get changed and I’m gonna go downstairs and see what I can fix you to eat.” She said before turning away to leave the room, but I stopped her.

“Wait,” I practically shouted. “I’m really not that hungry, Aunt Val. I think I’m just going to change and then lay down for the rest of day. Besides, I have school in the morning anyways.” That was a lie. I was a bit hungry, but I didn't want to face dad and the guys again.

She raised an eyebrow at me curiously, but after a minute let it go. “Well, alright.” She sighed. “And Eliza, don’t worry about school. You really don’t have to go tomorrow.” I knew what she was saying was true. Dad had already told me that I didn’t need to worry about school right now. I just needed to focus on getting better, and getting over moms death.

I nodded, “I know. I just feel as if it would be better for me to go.” My voice stayed strong, not wanting her to catch the second lie in my voice. Truth was, I don’t want to go to school, but going to school seemed better than sitting at the house with dad looking over my shoulder every two minutes to see if I was okay. So, I decided to go with the obvious choice.

“Okay,” She finally agreed, believing my lie. “Get some rest, sweetie. If you need me or your dad, just yell for us. We’ll all be downstairs for most of the day.” She gave me a small smile before finally turning away and exiting the room. I walked right behind her and closed the door before turning the lock. I needed some privacy and alone time, and the only way to get that was to make sure no one could walk into my room as they pleased without so much as a knock on the door.

--.

“Eliza,” Dad whispered later that night as he stood beside my bed. The room was dark, so I knew he couldn’t tell if I was asleep or not, which I wasn’t.

“What?” I asked, my voice muffled from my pillow. I wished he would just leave me alone, but it didn’t seem like that was going to happen.

“Can we talk?” He questioned right before I felt the bed sink beside me.

I groaned loud enough for him to hear me. No, I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to sleep, but that didn’t seem like it was going to happen either. “What the fuck could you possibly want to talk about right now? We both barely got any sleep last night from that trip to the emergency room. Don’t you want to go to bed and catch up on your sleep?” I asked, rolling over to face him.

He sighed, and through the dark I watched as he shook his head. “Come on, Eliza.”

“Okay, fine.” I said before sitting up and leaning against the headboard of my bed. I starred at him through the darkness, wondering what the hell he wanted to talk about. What was so important that it couldn’t wait until the morning? “What exactly do you want to talk about?” I questioned, tucking a lock of my messy black hair behind my ear.

“I know this past year hasn’t been good for you, El-“

“Stop, dad.” I cut him off, not wanting to hear it. “You have no idea how bad it was.”

“Then tell me Eliza. Talk to me.” He pleaded, grabbing a hold of my hand for comfort.

I shook my head slightly, pulling my hand away from his. “You just don’t get it dad. You weren’t there, and because of that you’re never going to know how bad it truly was.” I looked away from him. I couldn’t deal with him at that moment. I couldn’t deal with the fact that my life was so slowly crumbling. I was only interested in finding an escape, any type of escape.