Bitter Sweet

I flip the pencil over and over between my fingers and glare angrily at the math paper before me. Normally, I’d be ok with this. I’d be able to get it finished before anyone else and then I’d go straight to sleep until the bell rang, signaling the end of the day but…I can’t focus.

Not on this. Not on anything, really, because I’m just so pissed and yet at the same time incredibly happy.

Jude told me all about the date with Hailey, which is the reason why I’m feeling this way. I love seeing that smile on his face and how he can’t seem to stop blushing when mentioning her. Seeing him happy makes me happy. At the same time, I absolutely hate it and I hurt because he’s getting so wrapped up in her that whenever she ends it, he’s going to break.

I don’t want anything bad to happen to Jude. I want him to be happy, always and I know for a fact that she’s going to break it off, sooner or later. She’s young, she’s flirtatious and she doesn’t deserve him. I don’t see the love coming off her like it is coming off him. She doesn’t care nearly as much as he does and Jude doesn’t see this because he’s in the situation but it’s much easier to understand if you’re someone looking in on it.

Hearing about their sweet little date made me hurt but the pain, I’m able to put up with it, because I’ve been in pain ever since the very day we broke up. I’m starting to become numb to this feeling of heart break but there are times when it just feels like too much and I break down, not that I’d ever let Jude know any of this.

Sighing, I place the worksheet in my folder as homework because I know for a fact I’m not going to finish it and just as I come to this conclusion, the bell rings. Everyone bolts from class, more than happy to get home and do whatever they want or have to do. I, on the other hand, am not sure if I want to go home or not.

No one is going to be there and I just have this feeling that I won’t be able to stop thinking about Jude. I hate and love thinking about him, for obvious reasons.

Grunting, I appear behind Audra and she squeaks in surprise when finally realizing I’m there. Holding a hand over her heart, she pants, “Kale…you scared me.”

I roll my eyes and stare right at her because I can hear them, I can hear Jude and Hailey from here and I know that if I look I’m just going to lose it. Audra glances to the side and scoffs, “He’s hopeless.”

I want to agree but I’m suddenly pulled back against a chest. Audra begins giggling when Jude wraps one leg around my waist and starts humping me like some horny mutt. His arms are around my neck and he’s cackling, “Hey baby, you’re lookin’ mighty fine!”

“Get the fuck off, Jude!” I know my cheeks are as red as red can get and I shove the boy away. My skin tingles from his touch and my heart is thumping wildly just being this close to him. I curse myself for being an idiot and falling for the idiot. I should have known better. But I pretend like I’m not having an inner turmoil and scowl. “You’re a dumb ass! What’s your problem?”

“I’m sorry,” Jude laughs, his smile being contagious and soon I’m smiling too. He throws an arm around my waist and bumps his hip with my own. “It was too hard to resist.”

“Sure it was,” I grunt.

Can’t you see that by doing that you’re only making things worse, Jude? Jude, you’re killing me here and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling this pain in my chest. I want you to stop. I want it all to stop. But I’m not going to tell you any of this in fear that I might just lose you for good.

“I actually came over here for a reason,” Jude says, breaking me from my thoughts. I look up at him and he finally lets go of my hip. I bite back a whine. “Brad, Darrin, Tanner, Hailey, and I are going to the park after school today. You two should come along!”

Audra looks at me for permission but I have no idea what to say. I would say yes but if she’s going to be there too…I just don’t know if I can handle that. Normally, I avoid going anywhere with Jude if Hailey’s there too because seeing them in school is enough. If I see them afterwards too, I might just blow a cap.

Sighing, I shake my head and make up an excuse. “I have a shit load of homework. Audra can probably go though…”

“Nah,” she waves her hand, shaking her head just like I did. “I do too so I think I’ll just head home with Kale. Maybe next time.”

Immediately, Jude whines and I can’t help but smile when he pulls me into his arms for a hug. The moment I feel his arms around me, I melt and my arms wrap around him. I pray to any being out there to freeze time, just this once, so I can stay in this bliss. I just want to stay here in his arms, like this, forever. But my time of ultimate happiness is destroyed the moment Hailey calls for her dog.

I swear I can see his tail wagging as he looks away from me towards her. He gives me a grin and squeezes me one last time before letting go. As soon as his arms are gone, I suddenly feel so cold. I feel like a part of me has been ripped out of my chest and stolen from me and my entire body just slumps.

Audra places a comforting hand on my shoulder. I look back at her through my hair and mumble, “You should have went with them.”

“As if,” she scoffs, crossing her arms with her things pressed against her chest. “I don’t want to watch Hailey walk her dog.”

I chuckle because wasn’t I just thinking that too?

“Besides…it’s obvious that you aren’t feeling so great. Lets go to your place and pig out on junk food, watch movies, and talk about how lame boys are!”

“I’m a boy though…” I point to myself with a look that clearly states I think she’s stupid.

Audra stares at me dumb founded. “You are? I wasn’t aware…”

“Bitch.” I elbow her playfully and she giggles. I smile at her as she wraps an arm around my own and the two of us head for the bus. After getting on and taking a seat, there’s a banging on the window. I look out to see Jude. He grins and I open the window to reach out and hold his hand.

He squeezes it within his own and shouts, “I love you!”

And there’s this tugging in my chest. Suddenly, I feel like crying but I choke back those tears and say it back with a roll of my eyes, just for show, “I love you too.”

Jude laughs and smiles before running off and leaving me in the aftermath.

Why do you have to torture me like this, Jude?