Bitter Sweet

Do you remember the way you use to hold me, Jude? Everyday when we finished lunch we’d go outside. You would lean against the railing and open your arms. Smiling, I would run into your chest and bury myself in your warmth.

Everyday with you was pure bliss, Jude. I never stopped smiling. I never stopped laughing. I loved you more than anything but did you ever feel the same way?

I doubt it.

I bite my lip andglare stare at the blonde sleeping soundly on my bedroom floor. He’s lying on his side, eyes shut, chest rising and falling with his rhythmic breathing. The sheets are twisted around his legs and his mouth is slightly agape, allowing him to snore softly on occasion. But none of that is the reason I’m practically glaring at him.

The reason is that he’s sound asleep in front of me with no shirt on and completely defenseless. If I wanted I could go over and kiss him right now. I could hold him down and do what I wanted before he had time to react to any of it and it’s really pissing me off that a part of me is telling me to do it.

Does that make me a bad person? Does it make me a terrible friend for actually wanting to hold him down and make him feel the pain I have been feeling for so many years?

My chest is hurting. It’s tightening more and more every passing second. Every time I see his bare chest rise, my heart beats a little faster. My mind is screaming at me to get up and show him how I feel about him. I want to just hold him in my arms until he knows that I love him and that he’s hurting me more than he knows.

But my heart is saying other wise. It doesn’t want him to hate me forever. It wants to stay by his side, even if that means it’ll be in pain. It wants to be with him forever and it’s keeping me from jumping up and taking him right here and now.

I sigh and throw my legs over the side of the bed. Getting to my feet, I exit my bedroom to go downstairs for a drink. I grab myself a glass and pour a drink of water. I stand at the sink, leaning over it and staring into the water. I watch it ripple as I swoosh it around and round.

Upstairs Jude is lying there and I can so easily kiss him, hold him, touch him. If only he weren’t so oblivious than I wouldn’t be in this situation. I wouldn’t be feeling this temptation that’s eating away at my very being.

What is it that I don’t have? Is it because I’m not a woman? Is it because I’m not beautiful or nice or funny? What is it that I need to make him love me, now and forever? Whatever it is, I’ll get it. If he doesn’t want me then I’ll become something else because I love him. I love him more than anything and I just want him.

Thinking this, does it make me wrong? Does it make me twisted, weird, or an idiot? Am I pathetic?

I run my fingers through my hair and blink away the tears in my eyes. I refuse to let them fall and return to my bedroom when I feel like I can finally sleep. My bedroom door opens and the first thing I see is Jude.

He’s lying on his back, one leg bent, the other hidden under a blanket and stretched out, his arms are thrown out on either side of his body and he’s snoring loudly. His mouth is wide open and saliva is dripping out the side. In other words, he looks like an idiot. But at the same time, he’s Jude, so he somehow still looks gorgeous.

He groans and rolls onto his side so that he’s facing me. He curls in on himself and licks his lips after shutting his mouth. I watch the way his fingers twitch and nostrils flare.

Everything seems to be going in slow motion as I walk towards him. He’s so close yet so far. Every time I take one more step he seems to just be farther away. When I get to my knees beside him, I don’t know what I’m doing. My heart isn’t beating as fast as it should be or maybe time really is slowing down because as I lean in closer, it feels like I’m not even moving.

I hold my breath, why, I’m not sure. My hair is brushing the side of his face and it causes him to wrinkle his nose. He groans and my body shakes because he could wake up right now and realize what I’m about to do but I just can’t pass this chance up.

I lean in and my lips are just hovering over his own but only for a mere moment before I move in and do what I’ve wanted to do for years. I kiss him.

~

Every fiber of my being is burning. My body is shaking, eyes glaring and teeth grinding. But I stand here and do absolutely nothing. I say nothing. I do nothing but there are so many things I want to do. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to rip my hair out. I want to punch him and tell him how much of a complete and total dumb ass he is. I just want to kill him!

Is he an idiot? Is he trying to get himself hurt, again Why is he doing this? Why must he hurt not only me but himself? I hate it. I fucking hate it!

Just down the hall he’s standing there with that little slut. She’s giggling and blushing as Jude talks to her. She opens her arms and he leans in to wrap his arms around her. They’re hugging and I know that it’s ok for them to do that.

Only Jude could become friends with his ex that cheated. Most would never talk to the other again but Jude…he just goes up to them, the traitors, the next day and talks to them and becomes friends with them as if nothing happened at all.

I know in my mind that he should do that. He shouldn’t hate people, actually no one should but at the same time I know that he should be angry. He should yell at her and at Brad. He should show them that it hurt him, that he doesn’t appreciate it, that he isn’t going to let them walk all over them.

My heart doesn’t want him to get close to her. It doesn’t want him to hold her or smile at her or laugh with her because she doesn’t deserve him. No one does because he’s Jude and he’s just that perfect.

I bite my lip and look away. He comes over to me and says hello before throwing his arms around me. I smile and wrap my arms around him and this one hug would have made my day if he didn’t say what he said. “I wish you were Hailey.”

Am I really not good enough?