Bitter Sweet

Suddenly, I don’t feel so well. The ground begins to shake or maybe that’s just me but either way nothing seems sturdy and down I go. Lying on the floor, I stare off at nothing in particular and think of what had just happened. A kiss. A kiss shared between Jude and I.

One would think I’d be ecstatic and yes, that’s true, I am but…

With my eyes downcast, I bite at my lip and try to think of a reason as to why he randomly ran off without saying anything. The kiss, what did it mean to him? Was it important or did he just trust me to take it and stay quiet about it?

My heart throbs.

Shaking my head, I push myself into a standing position. There’s no use fretting about it all night. It’ll only cause problems and knowing me I’ll over think all this and it’ll be one big mess. Instead of focusing on the kiss,my lips are still tingling, I go straight up to my room and distract myself with whatever I could find.

It’s Monday morning and I’m standing in front of the bathroom the mirror. The reflection of myself stares back at me, blankly. Although on the inside I’m shaking, panicking, screaming bloody murder about today, I’m fine on the outside.

Taking in a deep breath in hopes to calm my nerves, I finally exit the bathroom to head downstairs. It doesn’t take long to reach school and just like every day, I just want to go home. Today is for a different reason though, today I want to go home because I don’t want to face Jude.

What if today I learn that the kiss meant nothing? What if he tells me that it was just him being…well…Jude? A part of me wants to stay ignorant and continue believing it was something special, something sweet that we were able to share with one another. At the same time I shouldn’t deceive myself. It’s just stupid.

I sigh because it always seems that I’m arguing with myself, especially when it has something to do with Jude.

“Hey cutie pie, what’s up!” Audrey calls from behind me, catching my immediate attention. Turning to face her, I try my best to act as if everything is fine, everything is ok. It doesn’t work and she knows immediately something is up. Frowning, she asks, “What’s wrong, Kale?”

“Nothing,” I reply, still playing dumb. “Why? Do I have to put a fucking smile on my face every day to show that I’m ok?” So maybe snapping at her wasn’t the best idea and just proved how pent up I really am but it’s not like I did it on purpose.

Audrey shakes her head. “Don’t play dumb with me, buddy. Something is up and you have two choices. Tell me willingly or I force it out of you.”

“What are you gonna do, kick his shins? You’re too short to reach his face.”

“No one was talking to you, Darrin,” Audrey snaps, sending a glare over her shoulder that made me question whether she had the power to shoot lasers out of her eyes or not.

Darrin simply scoffs and looks to me. “Hey man.”

“Hey,” I mumble in greeting, shutting the locker door and heading to first period. Audrey and Darrin are right behind me and we reach first in no time. The three of us take our normal seats and suddenly I’m not so calm anymore.

Every part of my body is shaking and I’m trying desperately to focus on the conversation between Darrin and Audrey. Their words don’t reach my ears though. It gets worse when Jude enters the room. He’s grinning like always, his hair is a mess and eyes bright. He walks over to us and takes a seat next to me and…acts as if nothing happened.

He doesn’t mention it, just looks at me with his normal playful grin and says, “Hey baby, what’s crackin’?”

I smile. “Nothing.”

And he goes to talking with Darrin and Audrey. I bite my lip because…I just want him to turn to me and talk to me about it. I want to know about it, the kiss. What was it for? Why’d he do it? Do I mean that little to him that he can’t even fucking explain to me what the hell is going on?

“Kale, hey, you alive in there?”

I’m snapped from my thoughts at the sound of Jude’s voice but right now I really don’t want to hear from him. He should know that but he seems oblivious to the glare that I send his way. My eyes narrow dangerously and I’m tempted just to scream at him but I resist. Scoffing, I lie my head on the table and ignore him until the end of the period.

How can he expect me to act like nothing happened? We fucking kissed. He started it. Shouldn’t he talk to me about it? Explain the situation? Fuck, that’s all I want. Is it seriously too much to ask for? Why am I not good enough? Why the hell can’t I be good enough?

There has to be something about me that isn’t quite right. Is it because I’m a boy? Well, fuck you, Jude. So what if I’m a boy, we dated before and he was fine with it! Or maybe he wasn’t…maybe he really wasn’t and that is the problem? I’m nothing like Hailey. I’m not a girl. I don’t have boobs. I’m not “pretty” because I’m a boy. A fucking boy. So why the hell did he kiss me? Why?

The bell rings and I get up, easily maneuvering my way out of the room and into the hall. At my locker, I rip the door open and ignore Jude, who is now standing beside me with a frown. It’s odd to see that expression on his face. It hurts, actually but I’m hurting right now too and it’s because of him so fuck it.

“Kale,” he tries but I move away. “Kale, will you get back here? Just…let me talk to you. Kale, come on.”

Jude is following right behind me and I’m trying my hardest not to look back at him. It’s working until his hand catches mine. The feel of his fingers circling around my hand makes me look over my shoulder. The moment our eyes meet my resolve is done for.

“Please,” he whispers, his hand holding tightly onto my own. With the grip he has on me, he pulls me closer to him, so close that our chests are nearly touching. This causes my heart to beat at an unusually fast rate. Sighing, Jude rests his forehead against my own and there they go, the butterflies are starting to eat away at my stomach. “Just let me talk.”

With him so close there’s obviously no way I can decline.