Status: New. Keep or Kill?
Bitter Sweet
Thinking Forever
I was and still am an insecure person. I remember waking up everyday and looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, “you’re ugly,” but you use to always tell me that I wasn’t. But you didn’t get it, I just wanted to look good for you, after all I was a boy and you were a boy.
Our relationship was weird. People made fun of us and teased us and pushed us around but you never cared. You shrugged it off like it was nothing but it hit me hard. I felt sick like a freak but I wasn’t willing to give you up.
I just wanted to look good in your eyes. I wanted to be that perfect, special someone to you but you always told me that you loved me just the way I was. I never believed you though and I remember that little argument we got into.
You had talked to her, Celine and she was pissing me off. She was hanging all over you and you…you weren’t pushing her away. It struck a sting in my chest and I talked to you about it because I was selfish and still am and I wanted you to myself.
You had just said, “I’m sorry Kale, I’ll tell her to back off. I love you though and only you.”
I remember frowning and looking away from you because I knew, I just knew what was going to happen. I sighed and sat next to you on my front porch while we waited for Brad. We were holding hands and it was making me feel slightly better but at the same time, worse.
I looked at you and you looked at me. I didn’t want to say it but I did, “You’re going to break up with me for her, just watch.”
You had laughed as if what I said was the craziest thing in the world. You shook your head, those beautiful blonde locks of yours falling into your eyes, making me want to reach out and push them away but I held back the urge and simply waited for you to respond and you did, “No I won’t. I promise!”
Our eighth grade year ended and it was summer. I was thrilled because it meant more time to spend with you. We lived close by so we’d always walk to the park and I’d sit on the swings and wait patiently for you. I’d feel your arms throw themselves around me and I would smile and look back at you to see that you’re smiling too.
We’d laugh all day and we’d kiss and we’d hug and we’d just love each other. I held onto you and sighed and kissed your cheek. We went on our first date and it was my mother who took us. My parents were and are still divorced and you knew that I didn’t get along with her so you held me in your arms in the backseat and made me concentrate on you and only you.
We went to see a movie, there we held hands and shared a drink with popcorn. When the movie ended we walked around the mall, going into stores like Hot Topic and Spencers. You were scowling when I pulled out a pair of skinny jeans and begged for you to put them on. I wore them and I wanted to see what you looked like so, sticking out your tongue, you did it.
When you came out, I blushed but used my hair to block it from your view. You were complaining and tugging at them and I laughed at what you had to say, “They’re fucking suffocating my balls, man. How the hell do you expect me to wear these damn things!”
It was so funny, watching you grab at your crotch repeatedly until I finally let you change and we held hands while walking back to my mother, who was waiting for us at the pizza shop. She saw us and we headed home and in the darkness of the car, I held you in my arms and we kissed over and over again until my neck started to hurt from craning it down and my lips were beginning to hurt but we didn’t stop because…it just felt right.
You and I spent all summer together along with Audra and Brad. Do you remember that time when Audra and I chased Brad around the house with swords? And the time Audra broke her straightened off Brad’s arm? His eyes got all watery and we were all laughing and you were holding me and I could feel the vibrations against my back.
Do you remember when we were all at my house and you grabbed that stop sign and somehow, you managed to pull it out of the ground? No one was around so you just laughed and chased Brad, who always seemed to be the one who got tortured, around the hill until you couldn’t carry it anymore and put it back into the ground, only for it to fall back over.
Do you remember when it was raining and you, Brad, Tanner, and I walked to the restaurant at the bottom of the hill? It had just finished pouring and was now sprinkling. You and I shared an umbrella and I jumped in every puddle I could find. You laughed at me, told me how cute I was, and stole my jacket.
You chased after Brad and Tanner with a rock when suddenly an old guy stopped by and yelled, “Young lady, put that back!”
We all, except you, broke out into hysterics. You simply dropped the rock and screamed because once again you were mistaken for a girl. It has happened before and I couldn’t help but laugh. You pouted and crossed your arms so I went up to you and kissed you and you were all better.
I thought that what we had was ever lasting. I’d say, “I love you,” and you replied with, “Forever.” Every time, I believed you and it just made the relationship we had ten times better and I thought that what you said was true.
I thought forever but apparently you didn’t because…
Not even two months into our ninth grade year, you broke up with me. I remember the day perfectly.
It was slightly chilly but we all went outside after we ate lunch anyways. You were talking animatedly with your friends and I was sitting on the bench, sketch book in hand. I’d occasionally glance at you and smile before continuing the sketch and I thought that you’d love it, this picture I was making for you but that thought was destroyed the moment Tanner sat next to me.
I looked at him curiously and tilted my head to the side. He sighed and I could tell something was up because he pushed his glasses up his nose and looked at anything but me. I was worried and I could feel my heart in my throat so I asked, “What’s up, Tanner?”
It was like he suddenly remembered why he came here because he looked at me and blinked rapidly. Again, he sighed and what he had to say tore my heart to shreds, “He just wants to be friends.”
And the sad thing was Tanner didn’t have to say who he was talking about because immediately I knew. I bit my lip and looked down at my feet because the tears were coming now no matter how hard I tried to keep them at bay. They were coming full force and my shoulders tensed and I began to shake. I knew this was coming and when you finally sat beside me and ran your hand down my back I knew that we were over but I looked up at you through blood shot eyes and said, “Best friends.”
You smiled and sighed in relief before throwing your arms around me and whispered, “Forever.”
Even if you said that I still went to the bathroom and cried for an entire period and I avoided you for the rest of the day because I couldn’t see you. When I got home I went to my brother and he held me as I cried because he knew that a 14 year olds heart is fragile, especially one who had just lost their first love.
Oh, but the heart break didn’t stop there.
Three days later, you were with her, Celine. Three…fucking…days and it made me ask myself how long you had wanted to break it off, how long was I thinking forever and you were thinking it’s over? I didn’t ask and sucked it up but I was so pissed because you two didn’t even last a month while we lasted over 6 and you couldn’t have waited longer to ask.
Three days isn’t long enough for me to get over it but I said nothing. I went back to being your best friend and that’s it because I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t want to ever lose you even if all those things you said were lies because…
Jude, I still love you.
Our relationship was weird. People made fun of us and teased us and pushed us around but you never cared. You shrugged it off like it was nothing but it hit me hard. I felt sick like a freak but I wasn’t willing to give you up.
I just wanted to look good in your eyes. I wanted to be that perfect, special someone to you but you always told me that you loved me just the way I was. I never believed you though and I remember that little argument we got into.
You had talked to her, Celine and she was pissing me off. She was hanging all over you and you…you weren’t pushing her away. It struck a sting in my chest and I talked to you about it because I was selfish and still am and I wanted you to myself.
You had just said, “I’m sorry Kale, I’ll tell her to back off. I love you though and only you.”
I remember frowning and looking away from you because I knew, I just knew what was going to happen. I sighed and sat next to you on my front porch while we waited for Brad. We were holding hands and it was making me feel slightly better but at the same time, worse.
I looked at you and you looked at me. I didn’t want to say it but I did, “You’re going to break up with me for her, just watch.”
You had laughed as if what I said was the craziest thing in the world. You shook your head, those beautiful blonde locks of yours falling into your eyes, making me want to reach out and push them away but I held back the urge and simply waited for you to respond and you did, “No I won’t. I promise!”
Our eighth grade year ended and it was summer. I was thrilled because it meant more time to spend with you. We lived close by so we’d always walk to the park and I’d sit on the swings and wait patiently for you. I’d feel your arms throw themselves around me and I would smile and look back at you to see that you’re smiling too.
We’d laugh all day and we’d kiss and we’d hug and we’d just love each other. I held onto you and sighed and kissed your cheek. We went on our first date and it was my mother who took us. My parents were and are still divorced and you knew that I didn’t get along with her so you held me in your arms in the backseat and made me concentrate on you and only you.
We went to see a movie, there we held hands and shared a drink with popcorn. When the movie ended we walked around the mall, going into stores like Hot Topic and Spencers. You were scowling when I pulled out a pair of skinny jeans and begged for you to put them on. I wore them and I wanted to see what you looked like so, sticking out your tongue, you did it.
When you came out, I blushed but used my hair to block it from your view. You were complaining and tugging at them and I laughed at what you had to say, “They’re fucking suffocating my balls, man. How the hell do you expect me to wear these damn things!”
It was so funny, watching you grab at your crotch repeatedly until I finally let you change and we held hands while walking back to my mother, who was waiting for us at the pizza shop. She saw us and we headed home and in the darkness of the car, I held you in my arms and we kissed over and over again until my neck started to hurt from craning it down and my lips were beginning to hurt but we didn’t stop because…it just felt right.
You and I spent all summer together along with Audra and Brad. Do you remember that time when Audra and I chased Brad around the house with swords? And the time Audra broke her straightened off Brad’s arm? His eyes got all watery and we were all laughing and you were holding me and I could feel the vibrations against my back.
Do you remember when we were all at my house and you grabbed that stop sign and somehow, you managed to pull it out of the ground? No one was around so you just laughed and chased Brad, who always seemed to be the one who got tortured, around the hill until you couldn’t carry it anymore and put it back into the ground, only for it to fall back over.
Do you remember when it was raining and you, Brad, Tanner, and I walked to the restaurant at the bottom of the hill? It had just finished pouring and was now sprinkling. You and I shared an umbrella and I jumped in every puddle I could find. You laughed at me, told me how cute I was, and stole my jacket.
You chased after Brad and Tanner with a rock when suddenly an old guy stopped by and yelled, “Young lady, put that back!”
We all, except you, broke out into hysterics. You simply dropped the rock and screamed because once again you were mistaken for a girl. It has happened before and I couldn’t help but laugh. You pouted and crossed your arms so I went up to you and kissed you and you were all better.
I thought that what we had was ever lasting. I’d say, “I love you,” and you replied with, “Forever.” Every time, I believed you and it just made the relationship we had ten times better and I thought that what you said was true.
I thought forever but apparently you didn’t because…
Not even two months into our ninth grade year, you broke up with me. I remember the day perfectly.
It was slightly chilly but we all went outside after we ate lunch anyways. You were talking animatedly with your friends and I was sitting on the bench, sketch book in hand. I’d occasionally glance at you and smile before continuing the sketch and I thought that you’d love it, this picture I was making for you but that thought was destroyed the moment Tanner sat next to me.
I looked at him curiously and tilted my head to the side. He sighed and I could tell something was up because he pushed his glasses up his nose and looked at anything but me. I was worried and I could feel my heart in my throat so I asked, “What’s up, Tanner?”
It was like he suddenly remembered why he came here because he looked at me and blinked rapidly. Again, he sighed and what he had to say tore my heart to shreds, “He just wants to be friends.”
And the sad thing was Tanner didn’t have to say who he was talking about because immediately I knew. I bit my lip and looked down at my feet because the tears were coming now no matter how hard I tried to keep them at bay. They were coming full force and my shoulders tensed and I began to shake. I knew this was coming and when you finally sat beside me and ran your hand down my back I knew that we were over but I looked up at you through blood shot eyes and said, “Best friends.”
You smiled and sighed in relief before throwing your arms around me and whispered, “Forever.”
Even if you said that I still went to the bathroom and cried for an entire period and I avoided you for the rest of the day because I couldn’t see you. When I got home I went to my brother and he held me as I cried because he knew that a 14 year olds heart is fragile, especially one who had just lost their first love.
Oh, but the heart break didn’t stop there.
Three days later, you were with her, Celine. Three…fucking…days and it made me ask myself how long you had wanted to break it off, how long was I thinking forever and you were thinking it’s over? I didn’t ask and sucked it up but I was so pissed because you two didn’t even last a month while we lasted over 6 and you couldn’t have waited longer to ask.
Three days isn’t long enough for me to get over it but I said nothing. I went back to being your best friend and that’s it because I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t want to ever lose you even if all those things you said were lies because…
Jude, I still love you.
♠ ♠ ♠
This is the last "flash back" chapterThe rest will be in the present but I might have some memories in the beginning sometimes
Thanks for all the support! Please keep it up and I'll try to update quicker
But school is about to start and I'm pretty busy I'M SORRY!
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