Bitter Sweet

“He what!”

“Don’t make me say it again, Audra.” I don’t know how I’m not breaking down into tears just about now but I am grateful that I’m not. I guess I’m not crying because I’ve done so for so long and so many times that I’ve come to realize tears will not get Jude back.

He’s with that bitch of a girlfriend, Hailey, whether I like it or not. Although my heart yearns for him I will not step between him and happiness. I’ve said this before and I’ll continue to say it just so I won’t slip up and do something that I’ll regret later.

The good thing about being a friend is being able to always be there for him and if that is all I can do then I’ll do it.

“But Kale everyone knows that no matter what, even if you are or aren’t over each other, ex-boyfriends or girlfriends aren’t supposed to drop the L bomb around them! It’s common knowledge.”

“If you haven’t realized it yet, Jude is an idiot. There is no such thing as common knowledge for that imbecile.”

Audra sighs because we both know it’s the truth. Jude definitely didn’t say what he did to cause me any harm. If he knew that it’d hurt me I’m sure he would never have said it, ever, but he didn’t so he did end up hurting me and if he found this out I’m sure he’d stumble on over here and apologize over and over for what he did. That’s just how Jude is.

“Still…even Jude should know not to do that. Besides, Kale, you should really just ask him not to talk about Hailey to you. I’m sure if you gave him a bullshit excuse he’d believe you. I don’t like seeing you like this,” Audra says and I feel myself smiling. Audra is such a sweet girl, no wonder I’m friends with her. If I didn’t have her around I’m not sure what I’d do.

“I can’t do that.,” I inform him, getting off my bed to make my way to my lab top. Opening it, I flick it on and wait patiently for it to load. “I’m his friend and I’ve promised myself that I’ll always be there for him, no matter what, even if that means having him break my heart. As long as he’s happy, that’s all that matters.”

Audra is silent for a moment before saying something completely stupid. “Why are all the good guys gay?”

I laugh. “Audra, really.”

“This is a legit question!” She hollers and her voice would make one believe we’re talking about the cure to cancer. “Every time there’s a good guy out there with morals or who actually gives a damn about the one they love they end up being gay! Gosh, this is so unfair. I am totally getting a sex change.”

I holler with laughter and lean back into my computer chair. Staring at my screen, I wait for Myspace to load and I log in. Immediately, I notice that Jude is online and I click on his name to send him an IM.

Kale says: Douche-bag.

“Honey, do you even know how much that would cost? Besides, they’d deny your sorry ass.”

Audra whines from the other line. “Kale, do you know that you are such a downer?”

“I am well aware, thank you.” I smirk at her cries and can easily imagine her, sitting at her desk with a pout on her face because I know her way too well. I don’t mention it though because she would deny it no matter what.

Myspace makes that annoying sound, the one it makes when you get an IM, and I look to see that Jude answered me. I smile like the idiot that I am because even if we’ll never be again, I love talking with him. I always will.

Jude says: Kale, my sweet jelly bean banana split! I love you! ;D

I roll my eyes at his stupidity and begin to wonder why it is that I love him in the first place but shrug it off because I’ll end up making a very long list and hit myself later for being such a fucking cheese ball.

Kale says: Jelly bean banana split? WTF?

Kale says: Oh and…I fucking hate you.

“Hey, I got to go, doll. It’s time for dinner so I’ll talk to you later, love you!” Audra sings sweetly from the other line. I reply with a love you too, and we hang up. Throwing the phone back onto the hook, I turn my attention back to Myspace.

Jude says: What!? BUT WHY!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! I thought our love was forever and pure!

Kale says: Like hell it is. You’re an idiot.

Jude says: You are heartless! HEARTLESS I TELL YOU!

Kale says: You know it. ;D

Jude says: And to think I was going to compliment you on your rather delicious looks today well it ain’t happin’ now!

Kale says: Why would I want you to compliment me?

Jude says: Cuz I be a sexy man beast

Kale says: I’m not into beasts…

Jude says: You are really ruining this relationship mister! I think we’re going to have to break up

Kale says: We aren’t dating…

Jude says: I don’t care how much you beg! WE ARE OVER MISTER!

Kale says: Jude…we aren’t…dating…

Jude says: Ok, I give in! NOW LETS MAKE UP WITH HOT BUTT SEX!

Kale says: Never.

I face palm myself and grab the phone that’s ringing next to me. Placing it to my ear, I scream, “We aren’t having phone sex either!”

“But Kale,” Jude whines from the other line childishly. “I’m horny!”

“I don’t give a damn. Get your girlfriend to do it for you!”

“But why would I do that when I can have you?”

I feel this pain in my chest, like someone is gripping at my heart and holding it tightly between their fingers. Most would call what we’re doing now flirting, but I know that we’re nothing more than friends and it hurts. It really fucking hurts to know that this is all jokes and he isn’t doing this because he likes me. It feels…it just feels terrible and shit I don’t know what to do other than bite my lip and go with it.

“You’ll never have me.” And it’s true because he’ll never take me.

Jude whimpers and I know he has no idea what he’s doing to me. “You suck.” Because if he did, if he knew that he was and is slowly ripping me apart I’m sure he’d stop…