I want to lose my sense of self, forget the role I play. That feeling when you're dancing on the line between reality and fantasy, lightly touching a toe on each side, but never fully setting down a foot on either half. When you balance on the boundaries you set for yourself, testing the waters of the unknown, unsure if it's shallow enough to stand in or if you'll slip under completely, losing all control. When you forget to care about the consequences that will follow the actions you make, and are fully aware of it.

I suppose what I’m trying to say, is that I want to indulge myself in a poison.

Mello describes how Near is his poison.