False Pretense

Do you remember the promise that you made to your best friend when you were little? You know the one; that you would never allow them to stay in a relationship that you knew wasn't good for them. Everyone makes it, and so many people tell themselves that they'll never let themselves get into a situation like that so it's not going to be a problem anyway. Yet... it seems like it happens everyday that someone breaks that promise. But then again... everyone always forgets the second part of the promise...

You have to trust that the other person is telling the truth.

Sorry for laying all that on you. I don't even know you, but I do know that I have to tell someone about this before I lose my mind. My therapist doesn't understand, and my parents are long past giving up on me.
I just need someone who is willing to sit there and not tell me that I'm insane.

Forgive my rudeness, I never even told you my name.

My name is Avery Alexander Allen; a lot of alliteration in there right? My parents certainly had a sense of humor. Personally, I'm not much of a significance to the world, but my therapist keeps trying to tell me that I have to think higher of myself. I just tell her that I can't because it will never be true. Honestly, my entire life had been completely centered around my friends... well... friend. I thought that he was the most wonderful since sliced bread. I would... and still would do anything for him.

Gavin was just the most amazing person that you'll ever know. He was charismatic and charming; everything that I wasn't. I was the emo kid that everyone was told to avoid because I'd do weird things to them. What they were thinking of I'll never know or even begin to understand. I can't even begin to explain why Gavin had ever bothered to be my friend, especially after he found out that I was gay too. He was everything that I ever wanted in a friend...or even a lover. But that didn't mean anything.

During high school Gavin would stand up for me and hide me when he knew that no amount of convincing or sweet talk would make the jocks and other various bullies find some other form of amusement. He was the person that I ran to crying when I caught my first boyfriend cheating on me. Gavin made me stay at his house for a week so that I could avoid having to listen to Brian's pleas to take me back and that it was just a drunken mistake and that he was sorry... the amount of excuses were endless.

"No! You're not going back there so that you can listen to him 'tell his side of the story' and explain that he 'didn't mean to'! I won't have it! You deserve better than to be cheated on Avery. I don't care if he was drunk. I don't even care if he was fucking drugged. You! are worth more than him," he'd practically screamed in my ears to make me listen.

I burst into tears and fell into his arms trying to explain through my sobs that I wouldn't believe him and that I would be strong and reject him. We both knew that that wasn't happening though. Gavin was smarter than that and I should have known that he wasn't going to let me off that easily.

Gavin only held me tighter and didn't let me go until I was just about to fall asleep.

"Thank you," I whispered softly as I was falling asleep.

"You're welcome."

With that I feel asleep in my best friends arms peacefully knowing that I'd be safe.

What I wouldn't give to have those days back.

Three years later I found out that Gavin was bi. I was surprised to say the least. I'd always been so convinced that he was straight. It didn't help that I'd been crushing on him for what felt like decadesin reality it had only been a few years and of course just finding out that small tid bit gave me the hope that maybe, just maybe, I'd have a chance. We got a lot closer after that, if that was even possible. He asked me how everything was supposed to work... which was especially awkward.

We just flowed from there. I don't think that my life could have been any better through those couple of years where it was just the two of us. We did everything together. We went to the movies, we went shopping, and often times went "fishing" if you will. It was really nice to have someone who was able to finally have an opinion to share with me on guys. I was also finally able to return the favor when Gavin finally came out to... well everyone I suppose. It was originally just supposed to be his family but his sisterkinda had a big mouth about the whole situation. Let's just say that the whole school knew within 20 minutes and the entire city by the next day.

Thank goodness that everyone was just fine with his sexuality because I probably would have killed his sister if they had started to shun or treat him any differently because of it. In fact, more people were upset with me. They all thought that I had poisoned his mind, but it seemed as if everyone was okay with him. I didn't have a problem with it though. As long as he was happy then it was just fine. I didn't tell anyone.

But you still found out.

"Avery, this isn't okay!" he scolded as he indicated my bruises and cuts, angry and disappointed tears stinging his eyes.

"Gavin, I'm fine really," I tried to reason, but I knew that it was a losing battle the entire time.

"No you're not Avery! You're bruised and probably scarred! That's not fine! Fine would be standing here and being able to give me a hug without cringing in pain! Why didn't you tell me?!"

"I... It's... It's fine. I'm fine really. I..."

I couldn't tell him that it was because I knew that everything would be okay as long as he was happy. I couldn't let him experience the ugly side of coming out. The world didn't like people like us. Even though he wasn't gay it didn't matter in the eyes of society. I couldn't let him go through that. It wasn't worth watching his smile disappear.

"No you're not Avery! This isn't going to happen again, do you understand? And if it does you had better tell me," he sounded defeated; almost as if he knew that I was protecting him. However, the last part wasn't a request.

"I'm fine Gavin. I promise," I finally tried to reassure him as I wrapped my arms around him.

He gingerly hugged me back softly, not wanting to hurt me, and buried his head in the crook of my neck.

"You're too stubborn for your own good. Please, just promise me that you'll let me know if this happens again."

"I can't promise that."

"Avery."

"I'm sorry Gavin, but I'm okay. I promise. I can deal with this. I'm not going to let you get into a stupid fight on my account."

I meant every word, but it meant so much more.

"Stop being so stubborn. Will you at least tell me who it is? I won't get in a fight, I'll just ask them to leave you alone."

"No Gavin. You're going to get into a fight. I've got it."

"I promise I will not get into a fight. I care about you too much to let you keep this to yourself though. Just, let me at least tell them to just pretend that you're not there rather than... this," he practically begged me. I could see it in his eyes. He wanted this to stop, or rather, he needed it to stop. I didn't understand.

I was putty in his hands. I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep anything from him, but what was I supposed to do? I didn't like his boyfriend, but that didn't mean that I was going to tell him that it was Taylor that was doing this to me.

He never told me that that was who he was dating but it was rather obvious. I thought that he'd trust me enough to tell me that he was seeing someone, but I guess that I could understand that he wasn't ready to completely admit that he really was attracted to the same gender, likely more so than to the opposite one.

"Avery. Please?"

I caved later; not that night, or the night after, or even months later. But I eventually caved to your pleas. I couldn't stand to see you in pain at seeing me black and blue. It was terrible for me to see you with him day after day, but I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

It was painful seeing him all over you and then have him glare at me knowing that it would be worse and worse later if you even so much as touched me. I finally told you, in a fit of tears.

You didn't believe me at first of course, but that didn't mean anything at the time. Eventually the bullying stopped. I don't know why or how, but one day it just... stopped. No one bothered me at all, but I had a feeling that everything wasn't okay. However, I did know that you had something to do with it.

You started coming to school without that beautiful smile on your face. Then you can became less and less... there. I felt like I was losing you more and more, but I couldn't understand. Then... then you got really distant, almost as if you were avoiding me completely. I didn't know what was going on, but I figured that it had something to do with Taylor.

"What is he doing to you?" I had finally cornered you, but you didn't look like you wanted to talk to me, at all.... ever.

"What are you talking about Avery?"

"What is he doing to you?"

"He's not doing anything to me."

And that was that. I never heard any more from him. It didn't matter how many times I tried to get through to him. He wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't answer my phone calls. He wouldn't even look at me when we passed in the halls.

It was awful. I had completely lost my best friend, but what else was I supposed to do? There was nothing but to trust that he's come to me and that's all that I could ever hope for. It sucked...

And it didn't work.

I never thought that I'd ever have to be here, in the place that's meant for those that are so much older than you were, and I'll never accept that you didn't tell me. I thought that we could trust each other with everything. I thought that you'd always be the one on my side, no matter what happened. I thought that we were going to be friends forever. I thought that you would tell me. I thought that you'd... at least... trust me a little bit more than that... I guess... I guess that, as I sit here in this God forsaken graveyard...that... I put more faith in you than I should have.