Out of Mind and Body

I rolled over in bed, groaning from the sunlight that happened to seep in through my curtains. My bed was too big and it felt empty. Just like, I had been for three weeks. I looked at my clock and found out I could finally register their numbers. It was too early. Eight o'clock and I was already up.

I jumped up, realizing I only had an hour to get ready and head over. Jumping into the bathroom, I showered quickly trying to calm myself down. The way my heart raced. The way my body tingled with every thought. I had to control myself as I stepped out and dried off. I walked into my room, letting my hair air dry for now to get dressed. I shrugged on a pair of black skinnys and a simple gray v-neck. I slipped my socked feet into my Vans and went back into the bathroom to do my hair.

It was eight forty-five by the time I finished straightening it to how I liked it. I grabbed my favorite hat and threw it on. I ran down the stairs stopping to only grab my keys.

"Mark, where are you going?" My mom asked stopping me three feet from the door. I mentally groaned and backed up to talk to her.

"Mom, I told you yesterday. Today is the day I can go visit Rosanna. Our other friends are going too," I said hastily, glancing at the door as if it was my only way of escape from death. She frowned at the mention of my friends. I forgot she highly disliked Garrett and Jared. She adored Cameron and Peter though. Rosanna was a different subject; she kept those feelings hidden completely.

"Mark I don't think you should be seeing her." I turned my head away from the door and grew angry. She sat at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee in her hand. I walked forward, and attempted to calm myself.

"Why the hell wouldn't I go see my best friend since we were little. Do you even remember how devastated I was? Having to go over there and see her almost dead in front of me. Not being able to see her for this long has killed me. Therefore, I am fucking going. I am going!" I repeated turning away and slamming through the door. I saw her look out the kitchen window at the car and me pulling away.

"Why doesn't she understand, Mark?" I asked myself aloud then sighed in frustration. I put in the new Avenged Sevenfold album, “Nightmare”, and went to the song “Fiction”. Its words made me think of death, and how very much it was a part of my life. My father died, Austin died, Rosanna almost died. It was not fair.

I thought back to that terrible day when my heart almost stopped beating itself. Austin left, and Rosanna tried too. I felt the water works begin to grind inside me. I rushed to the hospital avoiding five near collisions from my haste. The whole hospital was a mess. I remembered her being there just the other day. Now she was here on her own accord. I tried to ask what was going on, if she was all right. They eventually threw me out because they said I was “harassing” the nurses for information they did not have.

I remember going on a long walk, having my mother call the police because I did not come back home till the next day at noon. The scolding I got, and how I did not care. The love of my life might be stone cold dead and I would not know. I had locked myself in my room for a week, until Garrett brought news of recovery. However, not all the news was good. They had placed her into a psychiatric ward about an hour drives out.

I had not seen much of her mother, next door. Her Dad had come home on several occasions to comfort his wife and see his thought-to-be-crazy daughter. No one knew why she had but her group of friends. Her parents would leave at dawn and come back at the stroke of midnight. They always visited her. It was not until two weeks, after my week of staying in my room were friends allowed to visit.

I was terrified at what I would see. Whom would I meet? What had happened? Was she okay? Is she still my loving Rosanna Isabel Pindel? I kept wondering as I heard The Rev’s last words to his fans fill my car up to the brim. Life was not fair, Mark. Get over it.

I finally made it to the building that I had researched so many times. The parking lot was nearly empty, save about 20 cars. I noticed Rosanna’s mothers car, and Peter’s. I was afraid to step into the huge building. My mind went on frenzy. My heart raced as I forced myself to place my foot into the complex. I looked around, and shied away from anyone who walked by, or any picture I passed. I felt out of my comfort zone here. Nevertheless, it was for Rosanna.

I walked up to the front desk, and a stern bird looking lady glared at me through her eyeglasses. I was suddenly intimidated but pushed it away. She snapped her fingers at me, and I glared back.

“I’m here to visit a Rosanna Pindel. Where can I find her?” I asked tapping my fingers onto the amble counter. She looked up at me and clicked away onto her computer, her nails hideous to the point where I forced myself to stare at pictures. Each one told of a story of a patient who had gotten better. I found it humiliating at first, but then grew to respect that person and what they accomplished. I hope that Rosanna will be up there and what she has done.

“Sixth floor. You have to stay in the waiting room until other friends and family have come out. Enjoy your visit here,” she said bitterly as I slowly walked over to the elevators. There were only seven floors. The hall I was in was dead empty, until a couple came walking towards me. They stopped behind me, waiting for an elevator

“Jerry, your sister is on level four. I heard that was the worse level,” the wife said, as I put my hands in my pockets, trying to act casual.

“No, I told you in the car, Hun. The levels get worse as they go up. That is how they rate them from severity. Therefore, Lou-Anne is kind of in the middle. The doctors have moved her down a few floors since she has been getting better. She has been starting to cherish life now, she can’t wait to get out and smell the grass, hear the birds chirping, feel he warmth of the sun on her skin. She says its like hell in here, but you have to go down all the levels before being let out.”

“Oh that’s good then, she is so close,” the wife said in response her worry decreasing some then from before. I felt my heart drop as the elevator opened. I guess it all cannot go to well. It takes time to get over a potential suicide. I shuffled into the elevator and pushed the number six. The couple saw me push the number six, and frowned. They quickly jabbed at the number four, and stood at the opposite side of the elevator. I felt my eyes water up, then it opened at their level.

“Hey, it goes faster then you think, son. In no time, your friend will be down a level or two, and eventually out. You just got to be there for them.” The man smiled softly then left with his wife. She rubbed my shoulder then let the elevator close again.

I took a deep breath, and kept repeating what he had said. It will go by smoothly, everything will go back to normal, even better. The elevator doors opened and all I could her was silence. The hum of the elevator was gone, and I could not even hear the sound of someone breathing. I was about to shut it again and leave when I saw Peter look up at me and give a small smile.

I stepped out and walked over to him, smiling in return. He clasped my arm and hugged me. I took a seat next to him and surveyed the barely empty waiting room. There were two other people in there with us. One a little girl around six years old, and the other a middle aged woman who looked to be her mother.

“How long have you been here?” I whispered to peter. I do not know why we whispered. Just the feeling and emotions all places like this emitted, or maybe I was afraid of my own voice and thoughts.

“Twenty minutes,” he whispered in return. I fiddled with my thumbs and watched as Cameron walked in, looking obviously terrified. She took a seat next to me and gave a small smile. She still did not know I did not like her like that. I had not had the heart to break up with her yet. It was a sensitive time, and I did not want another best friend to try to kill herself. Peter knew though, and he eyed me.

“Hey Cameron can you come in with me when we visit. I do not want to go in with Mark. Garret and Jared will most likely go in together, and I want a girl with me. You wee really close to her and I’m going in first.” Peter made a compelling argument, and Cameron just nodded in response.

“The first two people can go in and visit her.” A nurse came out as Rosanna’s parents walked away with their heads bent. Peter and Cameron got up and followed the nurse. I was in there by myself, so to speak, and I disliked it.

The little girl tip toed over to me and stared at my strange apparel. She had this look in her eyes of curiosity, one that I would see a lot in Rosanna’s. I turned my head away as a tear rolled down. I felt a small finger wipe it away and I turned back to smile.

“Don’t cry Mr. Everyone cries here, and it makes me sad. Do people cry because the people in the blank rooms will not be coming back out? Mommy says daddy might stay here for a while. She is always crying. Will your friend be in here for awhile?” The little girl looked up at me, and I smiled, making sure, I stopped crying.

“Oh I hope not. I really love my friend, and it would hurt me to know she would not come out. I am sure your daddy is going to come back home with you any day now. I won’t cry if you wont cry, deal?” I asked chuckling softly. She gave it a thought, her thumb and forefinger onto her chin. She smiled and put out her pinky. I hooked onto it and we promised.

“Mrs. Watson, you can visit now,” another nurse said walking in. The mother stood up, and snapped at the little girl. She smiled one more time at me, and skipped off to go with her mother.

“Mommy that big man over there is in love. Just like how you and daddy are. I can tell. What’s it like to be in love, mommy?” I the little observant girl ask as they left the room.

So even, she could tell I was in love with Rosanna. Yeah what is it like to be in love? It is this feeling I am having right now. I stopped the tears from coming, because I made a promise to a little girl.